My office

Like most people, I'm in a few groups on facebook. There's one group in particular where it seems like we end up inadvertently having a "theme" day every now and then. Someone will post a ridiculous selfie, and then we all do it. Or video updates. Pictures of our kids. Whatever.

Today, I was too busy running around to really pay attention to how it started, but pictures of everyone's offices were being posted. When I saw it, I was actually on my way out the door to the grocery store, and so I posted a picture of my cart as my "office for the day".

When I got done at the store, I had to rush straight to the schools to get the kids, and then home to unload the groceries and start supper. At the same time, I was helping with homework and signing agendas and starting a new grocery list for everything that I forgot to get today.

I was making a mental meal plan for the rest of the week and occasionally pulling out my phone to look at my calendar to try to remember everything else that had to be done. Then I got the kids who were home started on supper while I ran out to pick Emily up from basketball practice, and then started cleaning the kitchen and baking some snacks for lunches and after school.

As it turned out, the kitchen was actually my main office for the day. Or at least for the afternoon and evening.

For whatever reason, I managed to actually be more organized than usual tonight. I got all of the dishes done (putting them in the dishwasher counts as "done" in my book) and made the pancake batter for morning. I put the griddle out so I literally just have to plug it in and start pouring batter for pancakes instead of fumbling around to mix it like I usually do. I packed the majority of the kids' lunches so that all I have to do is make their sandwiches and toss their string cheese into their respective bags and then chase them out into the van.

Theoretically speaking, as long as everyone gets up on time, the morning *should* be fairly easy....although I'm sure that it will fall apart somewhere.

Of course, in the middle of all of this, it was pointed out to me that the bathroom faucet was messed up again. I just replaced the stems in it a few weeks ago and was super proud that it wasn't dripping constantly anymore, and now it's jacked up again. I hope that it's just something that needs to be tightened, but I won't know that until I can shut the water off to the house (because no shut off under the sink) and pull it apart again, so depending on how that goes, my "office" tomorrow will definitely include the bathroom and possibly one or more hardware stores.

Until then......yes, there are bricks putting enough pressure on the handle to keep the water from running all night long.

Don't judge. It's working for now.

And yes, I know, the sink is filthy. Again, don't judge. I'll deal with that later.

I used to have an actual office job. I had to get up early and get dressed every day (luckily girl clothes weren't required, but I still had to look human) and drive 30 miles each way to sit in a cube and push papers and run around the state visiting people to make sure that they were getting the care that they needed. I got paid a decent amount of money and enjoyed what I did for the most part.

Sometimes, I miss that life. I miss getting out and seeing people (even if I didn't like ALL of the people I had to deal with on a regular basis) and having a regular routine.

But then again, I wouldn't trade my "offices" now for any of that. I love that I can be home with my kids at a moment's notice when they need me and that I can go to school functions during the day without having to rearrange an entire work day and get permission from the boss. I can do laundry and grocery shop and fix busted sinks while they're in school, and spend the evenings with them (even if I'm in the kitchen for most of the evening).

The money's not as good, but the value is incredible.

Changes

It's time to make some changes.

I've talked before about how much I hate my job, and realistically, that hasn't changed.

Granted, CrankyPants has had a much better attitude for the past couple of months, and that has made a huge difference. But when it comes right down to it, I really hate being there. Don't get me wrong...there are parts that I enjoy, and I love 99% of my coworkers.... but I just don't like the job.

Physically, it's gotten to be too much for me. The stress and the constant running and the constant being on my feet is taking its toll. It's getting to the point that I can barely walk when I get home because I hurt so bad - and that's not fair to me or to the kids. They want and need me to be able to do things, and to tell them "I'm sorry, but I hurt too much" is just wrong. I can't keep up with the house because I'm so worn out and sore all of the time.

I've been doing some serious soul-searching over the past few weeks, and I decided to do something about it. I walked up to CrankyPants yesterday determined to quit. We talked about what is going on and why I need to change - the physical impact, issues with the kids and child care, etc - and we decided that I would go down to part-time status, at least for now. I can pick and choose my hours (for the most part) and work when I want to work.

She already gave me my schedule for next week, and although it's not a huge reduction in hours, it's still less. She still needs me to open a few days until she gets some other people trained - and I agreed to that not for her, but for my coworkers who will end up picking up my slack.

At this point, we are doing this assuming that I am closing on the house on Monday as planned. I know that realistically, quitting and/or cutting my hours before closing is not the best idea - so if for some crazy reason the closing is postponed, we'll adjust our plan as needed. Right now, for once in my life, I'm taking care of ME. This is something that I need to do - hopefully it's the right thing.

It's been a little while.....

So yeah. It's been a while since I've blogged anything. I've been wanting to, trust me. But I just haven't had the time or the energy.

Here's a nutshell for you:

Things are still progressing with the house. Like......all we're waiting for at this point is a date to close. The file went from the underwriters to the Rural Development people a couple of days ago, and RD is taking an average of 10 days to do their thing right now. Once they do their thing, all that's left is the closing. So I have reason to believe that I'll be a homeowner within the next few weeks.

Then there's the job. I've talked about the stress before, and it's really only gotten worse. Although CrankyPants hasn't been as cranky lately, she still has her moments. Not to mention that the job in general just sucks. I'm still not a morning person, and add to that being on my feet for 8+ hours straight without a break, and I'm miserable. I come out of there hurting so much by the end of the day that I can barely walk, and I can't get anything done around the house because I hurt so much.

Then of course there was the whole issue with my van finally self-destructing. It's still sitting in my backyard, dead - and it needs to go away. But I need to find the time to get it cleaned out and list it for sale. Or scrap it. Or something. Add that to the list of things to do.

I borrowed a friend's itty bitty car for a couple of weeks until I could buy my GrandpaCar - literally, it belonged to a friend's grandfather. It's not the most ideal vehicle for us, but I was limited because I can't just go out and finance something while I'm waiting to get the approval for the house. But, it works and it gets us where we need to go. It has a few quirks and needs a little bit of work done to it, but that'll hopefully be taken care of in the next few weeks sometime.

Add all of that to the normal stress of our everyday life, running kids to and from everywhere they need to go, trying to spend as much time as possible with The Dude, dealing with random health issues, handling landlord/maintenance issues in my current house, and trying to maintain some semblance of sanity - and you can imagine how hectic it's been.

Seriously though....the biggest worry on my mind right now is my job. I keep making lists of pros and cons in my head, and I can't really come up with anything good about it except for my coworkers - and I don't have to have the job to keep in touch with them. The hours make it extremely difficult for me to do much of anything for myself - and I find myself getting less and less sleep just to try to get the basics done. The job is making it harder for me to take care of myself - and if I don't do that, I'm just not going to make it. I know that right now, I've about pushed myself to the limit, both physically and mentally. I just don't think that I can do it anymore. Being in the fortunate position of not needing the job to survive makes it harder for me to go in every day - because why would anyone put themselves through this if it wasn't needed?

So at this point, I know that I'm going to quit - I just don't know when. I want it to be sooner rather than later, but I also have to make sure that the drop in my income won't affect my chances of getting the final loan approval. I qualify for the house even without the job income - but I don't want to risk it. I sent an email to Mortgage Lady asking her opinion on it, and I'm waiting to hear back from her before I do anything.

That's where I am. One big stressed out and anxiety-ridden mess.

But it could be worse. It could always be worse.

That wasn't supposed to happen

Today started out rough. Daniel started on another vomiting spree sometime in the middle of the night, and kept it up for several hours. The Dude came over at 4:30am as usual so that I could go to work, and I made the decision to take the day off instead. So I got the kids up and ready to go to school, he loaded them up and took them, and I crawled back into bed with Daniel. At some point, The Dude came back and brought some Gatorade and ginger ale - I vaguely remember him coming in to the house and leaving again.

Daniel and I got up around 11:00am and puttered around the house for a bit. I figured that since I had an unexpected day off, I could maybe get some stuff done around the house. The Dude had to be at work at 11:00am, so I knew that I wouldn't be hearing from him for a while.

A little after noon, my phone rang - and it was him. I had a really bad feeling, and as soon as I answered the phone I knew that I was right.

"Babe, I'm headed to the hospital. I fell and I'm pretty sure I broke my wrist."

Crap.

We talked for a few minutes until he got to the hospital, and then the texting started. He kept me updated as things were happening. At 1:13pm, I got the text from him - "And its broken"

Crap.

Crap.

Crap.

I met him at the hospital and took him back to work to fill out paperwork, and then dropped off his prescription and picked Alex up from school. We had to run a couple of errands and then I had to get back here to make supper for the kids. After we were done with that, we made supper for him and his mother and ran that over to their apartment, and then ran a few more errands.

Needless to say, he's not a happy camper right now.

So now we wait until he sees the ortho to find out what the plan is from this point. All I know is that he is miserable and in pain, and I hate to see him like this. I'll be out of town all day tomorrow for a Scout outing with all of the kids, so once we get back I'll be able to check on him and make sure that he's ok. But it looks like he's out of commission for a little while - at least until the pain eases up and he can start to function again.

It could be worse. It could be worse. It could be worse.

It. could. be. worse.

I never thought it would happen. Never.

You know, it's kind of funny. When I was kid, I loved to draw. Whenever I drew a house, it always looked the same - kind of like this...

I never claimed to be an artist.

Anyway, as The Dude and I have been out shopping for houses, we found one that we both like. A lot. And the funny thing is that it really kind of looks like the house that I always drew as a kid. Except it's straighter. And prettier. And has a front porch. And a hot tub. But I digress.....

We were shopping for houses with the knowledge that my credit wasn't quite where it needed to be yet. I've been working on it, but as anyone who has shoddy credit knows, it's a process. I have been working with an agency that has been busting their butts to get negative stuff removed for the past few months. We thought that I was where I needed to be a couple of months ago when my scores suddenly tanked. I was heartbroken. As it turned out, an old debt (to the tune of $3000+) that has been in collections for years - and that I have been faithfully making payments on for years - was sold to a new collection agency, who in turn started reporting it as new debt. It killed my credit.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago when I got a letter in the mail. It was from one of the credit reporting agencies. Nervously, I opened it. 

According to the letter, that particular negative piece of information was deleted from my credit report. Deleted. Thinking back to how much of a negative impact it had when it appeared, I wondered what kind of a positive impact it would have when it disappeared.

As the battle against this particular creditor was happening, I paid off my credit cards. I also paid off a couple of smaller debts with the agreement that those creditors would remove the negative information from my report. I also got the raise at work, and the Social Security that Daniel and I receive increased at the same time.

So on Friday, I was able to check my new and improved credit scores through an online deal that was set up by the credit-report-cleaner-upper-people (my official name for them). I already know that the numbers that I see are slightly higher than the official numbers, so when I saw on Friday that they were high enough, I anxiously contacted Mortgage Lady (also her official name). She was excited to hear the news, and we agreed to meet this morning.

Fast forward to about 2am today, when Daniel's official name changed to Sir Pukesalot. He kept that up for the rest of the night, but seemed to level out a bit. The Dude had planned to go and meet with Mortgage Lady with me, but because Daniel was so sick I emailed her and asked her to just pull my credit report without me and to call me, rather than run the risk of Daniel hurling in her office. The Dude came over and we waited by the phone. Finally she called.

It's official. My credit score is now high enough to qualify for a mortgage.

I started shaking and pacing around the house while I talked to her. I'm not officially pre-qualified for anything yet because there is still one account on my credit report that is showing as "in dispute" - so I have to contact all 3 agencies and tell them to remove that because nothing can happen while there is an active dispute. Minor detail, really. But qualifying for "our" house will not be an issue - and we can actually look at houses in a higher price range than I would have even thought possible.

I contacted the realtor who has been helping us, and "our" house is still on the market.

I am completely and totally overwhelmed right now. Just over 3 years ago, I was on the verge of being homeless. People were sending me money to try to help me save my old house, but it wasn't enough and it went into foreclosure and we were forced to move. We moved into this house only because I qualified for assistance at the time - but I had no idea how I was going to pay the rent when that assistance ended, which was only 3 months. Then my ex passed away and the Social Security started and through the emotional turmoil that followed, the bills started getting paid regularly. It was a horrible way to get the bills paid, but I did what I had to do with what I had - and it's led me to where I am today. Between the Social Security and the job - I will be able to own a house, and soon. 

Me. The same person who was days away from being homeless just 3 years ago - will be buying a house within the next few months.

It's crazy and mind boggling and overwhelming and exciting and scary and surreal, all at the same time. 

Is it worth it?

So things have been kind of crazy around here lately.

I started my full-time gig at work a while back, and I have mixed emotions about it.

Seriously. We all know that I'm not a morning person. Getting up at 4:30am five days per week sucks. My days off are unpredictable. I come home greasy and exhausted and cranky and sore.

I work with some really great people. Some really awesome people. But there's always that one person who ruins it for everyone - and in our case, it's one of the people in a position of power. There are days when the stress of being totally overworked and underappreciated gets to be too much, and I have to convince myself (and others) not to just walk out of the building and never return.

And then I get my paycheck, and I seriously wonder.....is it really worth it? It's not like I'm making a ton of money, which would make being miserable slightly easier to handle.

At the same time, I need this job. No, I need a job. This one was handed to me at the right time. My credit is *thisclose* to being repaired enough to apply for a mortgage. Seriously, *thisclose*. I got word the other day that one huge thing on my credit report has been deleted - and this was something that had a serious detrimental effect on my scores. So I'm waiting for next month's report to see if maybe, just maybe, it was enough to push me over the top. The extra income from this job will make it easier to get us into a house - without a doubt.

I sat down last night and figured some bills. My van is so close to being paid off - like, if I really push it, I can maybe pay it off by the end of the year. And the medical bills that appeared over the summer - instead of taking 7 months to pay them all, I think I can do it in four. I can't do that without the income from a job.

So the job is good. Or at least the income from the job is good. Or good-ish. It definitely helps.

But at the same time....

I was off the last couple of days because I was sick. Well, today was supposed to be my day off, but I took off yesterday as a sick day. And honestly, these were the best two days that I've had since I started this job - because I wasn't there. I got to take the kids to school, and I realized how much I miss doing that. I got to putter around the house and get stuff done (when I wasn't sleeping) and I realized how much I miss doing that.

Don't get me wrong - I love that The Dude does so much with the kids so that I can work. I love that he does it and that he does it willingly. But I hate it. He's spending more time with them than I am - and as a mom, that's not ok with me. He shouldn't be the one meeting with the principal over behavior issues - that should be me (ok, it really shouldn't be either one of us, but the kids aren't perfect). He shouldn't be waking the kids up for school - that should be me. He shouldn't be the one running them to last minute appointments - that should be me. And now that he's working, I'm having to turn to other people to help out with the kids from time to time - and while I trust them completely it still makes me feel so incredibly guilty every time I have to do it.

I know that this is what working parents go through, but I hate it. I made a promise to myself 2 1/2 years ago that I wouldn't work as long as they were little and I could afford not to do it - and I'm breaking that promise - to myself and to them.

I have to stop and ask myself why I'm doing this. I keep saying "it's to get us into a house of our own" and yes, that's true. But at the same time I have to wonder if I couldn't do that without the job. Or maybe without THIS job. Sure, it might take longer, but it could happen. I know it could.

I'm seriously questioning my "need" to work right now. Is getting into a house of our own right now so important that I should be sacrificing time with my kids and my own happiness to make it happen? Am I being greedy by wanting this to happen right now, when realistically we could wait a few more months for it to happen? Or is it something that we can put off for a few months in order to save our sanity? I don't ever want to look back on this period of my life and say "wow, that was so not worth the stress".

I'm not a quitter. I'm not one to walk away from an obligation just because it's hard or stressful. But this is one of those situations that really has me questioning what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

Decisions, decisions....none of which can be taken lightly.

Stress doodles while working on computer
stuff tonight. No point, really.

Where I am...

You may or may not have noticed, but I haven’t been around as much lately. Some might think that’s a good thing (ha) and some might be wondering what is happening.

There is so much going on in life right now. This job is kicking my butt. I know, I know – people work every day and it’s not that big of a deal. But face it – I’m not used to it. I didn’t work outside of the home for years and I was still busy every day. Now, I’m gone for roughly 45 hours every week – yet I still have the same amount of stuff to get done around the house. There’s still the same amount of laundry (if not more, thanks to my greasy work clothes) and the same amount of housework and the same amount of yardwork….. except now that all has to get crammed into the time that I have left.

The Dude helps with the stuff around the house when he can, but as of this week he is now working full-time as well. So now we both have crazy schedules and somehow we have to try to fit in time for us to be able to spend time together along with everything else that has to be done around here.

Fall sports have started, which for me means volleyball games every Thursday night. Emily has a tournament tomorrow morning that is being played about an hour from here, and could last all day long. The girls have practice every day after school, so on the days that they come back here they don’t get here until after 6:00pm. By the time we eat and do homework, we’re all so tired that we crash – and then have to get up early the next day and do it again.

I finally got a new phone the other night – but now that I did that, I no longer have my unlimited data plan, which is what I use to access the internet. We added a phone to my plan for The Dude so we share the (now) limited data – he doesn’t use much, but we have to be really careful about how much we use, or it’ll get really expensive, really quickly. So I’m just not online as much, unless I go to his apartment to use his computer or go to the library to enjoy some peace and quiet. While I’m not online as much, I’m working (still) on freeing up some space on this ancient machine so that it’ll hopefully run a little smoother.

So needless to say, I just won’t be around as much for a while until things calm down a bit. I’m looking into options for cheap home internet so that I don’t have to worry about the data usage on my phone as much, but honestly that’s not a high priority right now. We are still working on getting a house of our own, and that is taking longer than we had hoped – but with each month that passes, we are one step closer. My credit is *thisclose* to where it needs to be, and hopefully it’ll be over the top before the end of the year – and then we can actually start the purchasing process.

So many things that are changing in our lives right now – at times I sit back and think about all of it, and it can be a little overwhelming and chaotic and stressful to say the least. But I know that we’re moving in the right direction, and we’re going to just keep on going until we get to where we want to be. I know that we're going to get there - it's just going to be a little crazier than usual along the way.

I couldn't do it...

...if it wasn't for The Dude.

Seriously. As I get ready to start my third week of this full-time working gig, it's really dawned on me just how amazing he has has been - and continues to be.

If he doesn't come over and spend the night before I have to work, he gets up around 4:00am so that he can be here between 4:30 and 5:00am. He makes sure that I get up when my alarm goes off (not a feat for the weak, mind you) and then he sleeps for a couple more hours until the kids get out of bed. While I'm at work, he feeds them breakfast and lunch, makes sure that they don't kill each other, and he takes care of the house. My house. Not his house or our house - but my house. He'll do dishes and do laundry and take out the trash or whatever needs to be done - and if I leave him a list, he does everything on it. He makes me something to eat when I come staggering back in the door at 2:00 - or sometimes as late as 3:30pm.

And with school starting this week, he'll soon be responsible for getting the kids up and dressed and fed and to school in the mornings too - which is not an easy thing to do on a good day.

Yesterday, we got the chance to go to a cookout that some friends of his were having. The weather was finally nice after close to 2 weeks of solid rain and flooding, and we had a great time. The kids got to run around and act like idiots and bounce in the bouncy house and swing on the swings, and he and I got to sit and visit with people and just relax. Afterwards, we did a little bit of shopping since we were in the city and had a few more options of places to go (I still can't find any more pants that I like for work) and then we came home and relaxed. The boys went to spend the night with The Dude's mother for an impromptu sleepover, so we had the house to ourselves for the night.

He knew that I was exhausted - so he didn't give me too hard of a time when I slept through the entire movie that we had planned to watch together. We woke up this morning and he went and picked Alex up and brought him back over here so that he could go spend the day with his father, and I promptly fell asleep again. At some point, I got up and moved to the couch so that we could watch another movie, and -  you guessed it - I slept through it. Finally, The Dude made me get up and go back to bed, and he went back to his place and took Daniel swimming for a couple of hours so that I could sleep some more. He brought Daniel back sometime in the afternoon - and then Daniel promptly fell asleep. I finally got up - for real - around 5:00pm.

I guess I was way more tired than even I thought that I was.

My job is hard. The hours suck, it's physically demanding, and it makes me lose a lot of time with my kids. But I know that it is what I need to do right now in order to get us into our own house, which is the ultimate end goal at this point. I know that it's what I need to do, even if it's not always fun and pleasant. But the bottom line is that none of this would be possible without the love and support from The Dude. Whether he's taking care of everything at the house while I'm at work, or simply letting me sleep - I couldn't do it without him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Just a couple more shots from around the cookout...

There was a really big fish.

Alex being Alex. I tried not to watch him so that I didn't
have a panic attack.

Catching up. And some nakedness.

The past few days have been crazy hectic.

I started my new position at work on Monday, and have been on brain overload ever since - there is so much to learn, and it's such a fast paced place that I'm really just kind of being thrown in headfirst - but I'll figure it all out eventually. It's been harder on my body - there is much more involved physically as I get into unloading the truck and putting all of it away, and just the increased running back and forth across the store to deal with stuff. I'm exhausted by the end of the day - and having to get up at 4:30am doesn't help much.

The Dude - has been amazing. He either spends the night here or comes over at about 4:30am so that he is here when the kids get out of bed. He's been feeding them and doing laundry and washing dishes and sweeping floors and running errands and all sorts of stuff. Today he even took care of dropping off school enrollment paperwork for me so that I didn't have to deal with it. All I have to do is mention that something needs to be done, and he does it. I still don't know how I got so lucky.

We've also gotten a ton of rain in the past few days - and the yard was starting to show it. After work today, I sent The Dude back home to take care of some things for his mother, and then I sent the kids outside to ride their bikes while I dragged the mower and weedeater out of the garage and got to work in the yard.

I just noticed the mud up his back.
*makes mental note for laundry*

It's a jungle out there - especially in Nice Neighbor's yard.
But now they both look spiffy.

But, the best part of the yardwork was discovering some nakedness near the swingset.

That's right - the naked ladies are getting ready to bloom again for the first time since 2011.

I made sure to call the kids over to show them exactly where they are, since they're literally just in the middle of the yard by the swingset. I gave them the lecture about how they needed to be careful and pay attention when they're out there playing so that they don't smash my flowers, yada yada yada blah blah blah....

As they ran off to continue playing, I stood and admired the flowers for a few more seconds. And then as I turned around to get back to work, I hit the trigger on the weedeater.

*sigh*

Luckily that was a smaller patch with just the four flowers, but still......

You asked.....

Just in case you don't follow me on facebook, every now and then I ask people on there to ask me questions, and then I answer them in a blog post. I did that tonight, and this is what they asked me:

Michael asked: why are you so damn awesome? 

Ha. I'm not. The people who read this blog - they are the awesome ones. I just blab and ramble about my normal life, which is totally NOT awesome, but the interactions with the people who read it are what make it all worth it. THEY are the awesome ones, not me.

Erica asked: How do you feel about the tooth fairy letters fame? (I love it btw and will totally use it with my kiddos) 

Honestly, I hate it. I seriously wrote that thing in about 30 seconds and never expected anything to come of it, but it did. And it keeps resurfacing. And I keep getting bashed for it, even though Emily thought that it was funny. But, it is what it is and I can't change it now. So when I see it posted somewhere, I link my blog posts about it in the comments and just let it go - I honestly try not to follow it because more times than not, I'm getting bashed for my parenting skills over one piece of paper floating around the internet.

Michelle asked: Are you freaking out about Monday? I have faith 

Yes and no. I honestly think that the thing that I'm the most worried about is that The Dude is taking on so much responsibility with my kids. The job scares me, yes. The hours scare me, yes. But I know that this is going to be such a huge change for my family, and that scares me more than anything. However, this has come at the most perfect time, and too many things are falling into place at the right time so I can't ignore them. I have to go for it.

Jennifer asked: What are some of the worst things you've seen at work? I want details! (well, not too many details.. but, ya know)

I honestly think that the bare crotch coming through the drive-thru was the worst. Seriously, I can't get that one out of my head. Cover yourselves, people!

Lavinia asked: why is life more complicated than it has to be?

That, my friend, is the million dollar question. But at the same time, I think that people tend to make things more difficult than they need to be. Life is life - whatever is going to happen is going to happen,  and most of the time there is nothing that we can do to change it. Roll with the punches, don't worry about what might happen and deal with it as it comes. One day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes one second at a time - do what needs to be done to get through the moment, and then deal with the rest as it happens.

Bianca asked: Favourite movies? Two categories: with the kids, just you (or you'n'The Dude). 

For me alone, I can watch just about anything except for sci-fi/fantasy types. I'm a sucker for a good horror flick (yes, even alone) but I also love the typical "chick flicks", dramas, comedies, whatever. When it's me and The Dude, we tend to watch more zombie movies (his choice, but I deal with it) or whatever looks good. He's awesome though, and will willingly sit through a chick flick if that's what I'm in the mood to watch.

Heather asked: How do you manage to do all that you do on so little sleep?!? Because I am cranky butthole without it!!!

At this point in my life, it's just become normal for me. Ever since I split from Ex1 almost 9 years ago, I've lived on very little sleep. Right after we separated, I was working full-time plus a part-time job, and I just got used to it. I run so much during the day and evening that the only time that I have time for myself is at night after the kids go to bed. I know that it's not the best situation for me, so when I finally crash and sleep for 12+ hours at a time, I don't fight it much. Caffeine is my friend.

Maria asked: With how long you an the dude have been together do you think marriage is a possability ever?

We have officially been together for just over 20 months (wait, how did THAT happen?) and while I can easily see spending the rest of my life with him, I just can't see myself getting married again. I did that twice, and I got burned - badly - both times. I know that he's different, but at this point, no, I can't see myself married again. For me, emotionally, it's too big of a risk, and yes, I'm a wuss when it comes to that - and I freely admit it. I love him with all my heart - no doubt about it - but I don't want to get married.

And actually, I had to go digging but there are posts here and here that go into way more detail about that. Check those out if you haven't before.

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So that's that for tonight. I haven't looked back at my page in the past few minutes, so if there are more questions, I will answer them on a different night.

I said yes.

No, it wasn't that question.

A few months ago, I started working a part-time job. It started out as just a few hours per week, and was going to just be something to do for fun (and a little bit of spending money) while the kids were in school. As time went on, and I started getting the hang of things, my boss asked me if I could work a few more hours. I went from about 9 hours per week to about 20-24 on average. She also asked me to help train a few people here and there, but nothing major. I didn't really think too much about it.

Then I was surprised a couple of days ago when I was handed my little "award" but still...didn't think much of it. I had made it pretty clear when I started that I wasn't interested in anything more than a few hours per week.

On Wednesday, I actually got sent home a few hours early, which was fine with me. I was tired and cranky, and I had to go to Jared's friend's viewing that afternoon and I needed time to mentally prepare myself for that. When I got home from work, The Dude was hanging out with Alex and Daniel so I decided to try to lay down for a little bit. Unfortunately, a real nap didn't happen because I got a couple of phone calls - and the second one was my boss asking me if I could come back into the store because HER boss needed to talk to me. So I changed my clothes and went back to the store.

I sat down in a booth with the boss and the boss's boss, who proceeded to tell me that he had been "watching" me - I was so tempted to call him a creeper, but I figured that I'd better keep my mouth shut at that point and listen to what he had to say. Long story short, I was offered a full-time position as an assistant manager.

We talked about all of the details, and honestly, it sounded really good but I knew that there was no way that I could make a decision right then and there. I had to check into a lot of things before I could make a decision on something that huge. They understood, but said that they needed an answer by Saturday (tomorrow).

I had to check with The Dude, because working 45 hours per week is a huge jump for me - and it means that he will be taking on more responsibility with the kids. His response? "I've got your back, babe."

I had to check with Ex1, because I had to make sure that he was comfortable with The Dude taking a much bigger, much more active role in the kids' lives - he'll have to transport them to school a few days per week, among other things. His response? "Sounds like a good opportunity. I'm flexible. We'll work it out."

I had to check with Social Security because there is a limit on how much I can earn before those benefits start being reduced. Lots of technicalities about that one, but all in all it's not a big deal and I can handle that.

I had to check with the state because the kids have medical cards and I had to make sure that there wouldn't be a lapse in their medical coverage between the time when my income was too high to qualify for the medical cards and the time when my insurance through work would start. A few more technicalities there, but there won't be a lapse in coverage.

There were a lot of texts flying back and forth between me and my boss, as I asked more questions and got more clarification on a few things. She was very patient with me and answered everything that I needed, which made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.

And of course, I had to sit and think really really hard about all of this. I've been a stay-at-home-mom for so long, and I had planned to do that for a while yet, but this is a really good opportunity, and the timing is phenomenal. As I get ready to buy a house, having such a huge jump in my income will make qualifying for a mortgage even easier, and it will also allow us to take care of a few more bills and a few more necessities at the same time.

And I will have health insurance for the first time in ....... 4 years? Not that I ever go to the doctor, but at least if I have to, I'll finally have that option again...(but not for 90 days).

So with all of this going through my mind over the past few days, plus helping The Dude and his mother move into an apartment, plus just dealing with my day-to-day life, I got a little overwhelmed today and I just decided to take the kids and run away for a few hours.

So at 8:42pm tonight, I texted her and said "Ok. Let's do this." That started another flurry of texts back and forth working out a few final details. At this point, it looks like I'll start full-time the week after next.

Things are about to get a whole lot more chaotic around this place.

Didn't really expect that...

I was busy at work today, running my butt off while trying to do the work of 3 people (seriously - one who went home sick and one who didn't show up, plus doing my own stuff) when I got called into the back to meet with one of the managers. I was really kind of aggravated at that point, so I really didn't even care if I was getting in trouble - even though I couldn't figure out why that would happen in the 10 seconds that it took me to get back there.

Instead, quite the opposite happened. She handed me a cup of goodies and a certificate - apparently every few months they have a meeting where employees can nominate coworkers who they feel are doing a good job - and I was one of the ones who was picked for this round.

I had to pick either KU or KC Chiefs. It was the lesser of two evils.
But Jared likes KU, so he can have the cup.
Not the candy. Just the cup.

It was still a craptastically busy day, and I wanted to rip my hair out more than once during the 8 hours that I was there - but at least now I have chocolate to show for it.

Perspective. It's a beautiful thing.

I don't even know where to start on this one. Seriously. It's been bouncing around in my head since about 7:30 this morning when some idiot in the drive-thru at work really pushed my buttons - and not in a good way.

Let me explain what happened.

We all know that I work in fast food, and most of the time I work in the drive-thru. There are things that people do that thoroughly annoy me, and I wrote about some of them a few days ago. This guy...... yeah. He was right up there with some of the worst offenders.

We were out of large coffee cups today. They had been ordered, but they didn't come on the previous truck. It happens sometimes - we can't control it. So this guy came to the drive-thru and he ordered a large coffee. Our conversation went something like this:

Mr. Grouch: Gimme a (whatever food he ordered) and a large coffee.
Me: I'm very sorry, sir, but we are out of large coffee cups today. Can I get you a medium coffee instead?
Mr. Grouch: (snaps) Well I guess I don't have much of a choice, do I?
Me: I apologize, and.....
Mr. Grouch: (interrupts) Well, I just can't believe this. I mean, really? No cups? I should just go to (insert name of other restaurant). Fine, whatever.
Me: Again, I'm very sorry sir. Can I get you anything else today?
Mr. Grouch: No. I just want my damned large coffee.
Me: Is everything on your screen correct?
Mr. Grouch: Except for the coffee, yes.
Me: Your total is (whatever it was) at the first window, please. Thank you.

He pulled up to the window and started on his tirade again, but to my face this time. I kept apologizing and explained that the cups had been ordered, but they simply were not on the truck and it was out of our control. He just kept at it and muttered under his breath as he paid for his stuff, then pulled to the second window where he continued his tirade until he left.

At first, I was really mad at the guy. I mean seriously, who gets that bent out of shape about a cup of coffee?

There are so many more important things in this world today. So many more. But yet, this guy.... this nicely dressed, handsome man driving a shiny new SUV, was totally losing his cool over something as simple as a cup of coffee.

So many people today have such an entitlement attitude, and it drives me insane. Yes, we're a business and yes, we're supposed to have large cups - but you know what? Sometimes we don't. We aren't required to have them, and even if we did have them, we're not required to serve you. If you want to make sure that you get the cup of coffee that you want - then get it yourself. Buy a coffee pot and make it yourself at home. It's that simple.

And if you make the choice to depend on someone else to provide it for you, then you need to understand that you might not always get what you want. 

Throwing a temper tantrum isn't going to help.

Hosting your own pity party isn't going to help.

If you want something to happen, then make it happen. Don't waste your energy blaming others when you have the power to do it yourself.

I really wanted to tell this guy that if getting a different sized cup of coffee was the worst thing that was going to happen to him today, he should feel lucky. At least he had the ability to get up, get dressed, get in his fancy SUV, and drive somewhere to pay someone to make him a cup of coffee. So many people today don't have that.

I honestly want to thank this jerk. He made me look at some of the things that have been weighing on my mind lately and realize that they really aren't that big of a deal, and they're not worth a temper tantrum or a pity party. Instead, I will make my own cup of coffee and handle them like an adult.

Thank you, Mr. Grouch. I needed that reality check.

Would you like cheese on that burger?

Before I go full-on into my little mini-rant here, let me start off by saying that I will not reveal the name of my employer. One, because they say I'm not allowed to, and two, because there are some aspects of my life that I prefer to keep private. So if you know me and know where I work, please respect that, ok?

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Most of you know that I started working a few months ago. It's just a part-time job at a local fast food restaurant. It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I actually do enjoy it and it gets me out of the house a few days each week. But since I've started working there, I've run into some interesting situations and I thought that I would share those - some of them are funny and some of them are just things that I never thought of before until I was in this position.

Most (if not all) of these will pertain to the drive-thru, as that's where I've been spending most of my time lately.

1. If you're going to go through the drive-thru anywhere, please be fully clothed. We are usually higher than your car, and we can look down into your lap, ok? Seriously. I am not joking about this one at all.

2. I understand that you like to bring Fido with you wherever you go. However, when he barks the entire time you're placing your order, it makes it hard for me to hear what you want. And if he tries to bite me when I reach out to get your money, it's not going to make me very happy. Please - keep your animals under control for everyone's safety.

3. Turn your radio down - or off - before you try to order. It might not seem loud to you, but we can hear it because of the way that the headphones work. We can also hear every conversation that is happening in the car, even if it's in the backseat. If your passengers are quiet, we might actually hear your order on the first try. Also, if you have a diesel engine, turn it off if you can. You have no idea how loud those things are to us.

4. You see that nifty headset that I'm wearing? That's not just so that I can listen to you. It's also so that I can listen to the guy on grill, the girl at the second window who is gathering your food to give to you, the store manager, and various other employees - and chances are that they are all playing a part in getting your food to you. There's also a good chance that more than one of them is talking to me at the same time as I am talking to you, so if I don't stand and chat with you, that's why.

5. All of those people in #4 who are talking to me? They can also hear every word that you're saying. You might want to keep that in mind before you make a smart comment about the store manager while you're ordering.

6. "Would you like to upsize your fries?" "Would you like cheese on your burger?" "Can I get you anything else with that today?" We know you hate all of the questions - but it goes back to the headset. We have to ask you. The store manager - and sometimes her boss, or on days like today, her boss's boss - is listening to every word that we say, and if we don't ask, we get told about it - and not always very nicely. I asked some version of those questions over 140 times today - trust me, I hate those questions way more than you ever could.

7. Sometimes I ask you more questions than you think is necessary. I'm not trying to be annoying. I might be in a different part of the store trying to do any of the other 87 things that I have to do while running drive-thru, and I'm asking you questions as I sprint back to the register to get your order entered - but on the plus side, while I'm asking you those questions, the guy on grill is already getting your food ready because he's listening to you also.

8. Honestly, I don't want to screw up your order - so I might ask you to repeat something. It might be frustrating for you, but I'm willing to bet that you'll be more frustrated if you get the wrong food. There are so many things that interfere with my ability to hear you - your radio, the wind blowing, your engine, the train rumbling by a few blocks away, the guy mowing the lawn next door to the store, my coworkers who are running back and forth behind me, the manager forgetting that I'm in the middle of an order and barking an order at a coworker (or me) over the headset - so please work with me so that I can get your order entered correctly.

9. Timing is everything. Everything that we do is timed from the moment that you pull up to the menu board to order until the time that you drive away from the building. Seriously, you know when you pull in to the restaurant that you're going through the drive-thru. Get your wallet out ahead of time. Grab your debit card or that $20 bill and have it ready to hand to me. I know that you want to get rid of those 83 pennies in your wallet, but I would rather count out a few coins to you than sit there and wait for you to count those 83 pennies out to me - and so would the person behind you who is already late to work. And when you get your food at the second window, move your car ahead and out of the way before you stop to put your wallet away and fiddle with your stuff. You might not think that you're taking that much time, but even one second over our "acceptable time" for an order can cause us to get our butts handed to us by the boss.

10. Just because we are fast food employees doesn't mean that we're all stupid uneducated kids. Some of us are actually pretty smart, and we all have different reasons for working there. One of my coworkers has a degree in chemistry, but she's working there because her husband recently got transferred to this area and she needed to find a job quickly. One is a single mom who was able to get hired on full-time so that she could have health insurance for herself and her son, but also have the scheduling flexibility that she needs in order to take care of him. One lady has been working there because of the scheduling flexibility while she waited for a liver transplant (which she just got a few weeks ago). Some of the younger kids are working there in order to help their parents make ends meet or to save money for college. We all have our reasons - and if we weren't working there, it would be a lot harder for you to get your food, wouldn't it?

Questions and answers

Every now and then, when I can't come up with anything to write about, I ask the people on my facebook page to ask me questions so that I can answer them in a blog post. We did that tonight, and here are the questions....and answers!

Wendi asked: Any advice for a mom and daughter who are going to do their first 5k?

Resting after a 5K is always important.
Just ask Emily.

Coming from someone who runs jogs occasionally gets out and walks as a hobby and not seriously, the best advice that I can give is to just get out there and do it. Don't worry about your speed or your pace or anything like that - get out there and have fun. Of course, you should train beforehand, but you have to do what works for you. There are lots of great websites and apps that can give you pointers, but for me, I found that the best thing to do was to get out and walk/jog as much as I could in the months/weeks leading up to a race. I tried to steadily increase my distance but haven't really worked on speed yet. Hopefully when life calms down a bit I can get out there and do it again.

Shannon asked: Do you watch any reality tv, like The Voice?

Honestly, I don't watch any TV. Shocking, huh? But, I don't have cable (another bill from my past life that needs to be paid off but it's not a priority) and although I have a converter box to get the local stations, it died. So I have a TV that is useless, other than for DVDs. I don't even watch anything online because my internet connection isn't good enough - and honestly, I don't miss it. Once The Dude and I get moved into our new place, we will have cable though - and really at that point the only shows that I plan to watch regularly again are Parenthood and The Biggest Loser.

I did watch the first(?) season of The Voice, and I really liked it!

Sherrie asked: What compelled you to blog? Do you regret it?

See that picture of my boots up there at the top of the page? A couple of years ago, I had posted that picture on my personal facebook with a caption that said something like "oh, my old ugly boots, how I missed you!" because it had just gotten cold and I had dug them out of the closet, and I love those boots. Anyway, my friend Kat over at High Heeled Country commented and said "you should start a blog!" Discussion ensued, and I was convinced to do it. I believe someone actually said "I bet you could get 30 followers in no time!"

As for regretting it, the only thing that I really regret is not staying totally anonymous. There are many more things in my life that I could write about, but without anonymity I won't do it. And because this has gotten so much bigger than I had ever planned, I do try very hard to keep some things private - like our last names and specific information about where we're located. I don't ever want my kids to be embarrassed by anything that I've ever written.

Brandon asked: If you were a woodchuck and were able to chuck wood, how much wood would you chuck? On average, of course...

Enough to build a dream house for me, The Dude, his mom, and all of the kids.

Bianca asked: You share so much already!! Ok. If you could go anywhere on vacation, with no worries about cashola or the logistics, where would you go and, if you don't mind sharing, why? 

Right now, that's an easy question to answer. I would without a doubt head back east to Pennsylvania to see family and friends, take the kids back to DC (for more than a few hours this time), and visit our friends in Virginia again. My parents can't really make the trip out here anymore due to their age and health so it's up to use to get out there to see them. We make an almost-annual trip to do that and had planned to do it this year for a family reunion and high school (not a) reunion, but finances won't allow it. We have to focus on moving instead. Sometimes being a grown-up stinks.

Pam asked:How awful or not as bad as one would think is working where you do?

It's both. Since it's fast food, when we're busy, we're busy. Today, I ran my butt off from 6:30am until 2:15pm without a moment to breathe. People are cranky, coworkers snap at each other, and there are times when I have to do so many dishes that I could be buried under the pile of them and no one would notice. But, at the same time, the vast majority of my coworkers are really cool (even if I have clothes older than some of them), most of the customers are decent, and when I'm on drive-thru first thing in the morning I get to see some amazing sunrises. And occasionally half-naked people. Or men in dresses.

Bruce asked: If they made a movie about your life...what actress would play you?

Oh, that's a good one. I think most of them are too glitzy for me.....but if I had to choose I'd have to say Sandra Bullock. She's one of my favorites and she just seems so down-to-earth and easy-going.

Gayle asked: What kind of work do you do?

In a nutshell, it's fast food. I can't say which one (not that I would anyway) but while I'm there I mainly run register, prep all of the food for the grill on the mornings when I open, clean the dining room, and do lots and lots of dishes. It started out as just a few hours here and there while the kids were in school, but it's kind of fun...... on the good days. So I work when I can, without taking too much time away from the kids.

Suni asked: How do you manage I stay sane, or semi sane with how you busy you are?

Ha! Sane?? You call this sane???? OK, seriously..... I don't know. This crazy life is just normal to me. I live by my datebook, which keeps me somewhat organized but for the most part it's just what I'm used to at this point. When I don't have anything to do, I go insane with boredom! Playing around online and blogging is a great stress reliever for me, as well as sewing and doing crafty stuff, so I have my outlets when things get to be too much.

So I was walking to work...

Since both of our vehicles are dead, I've been walking back and forth to work a lot over the past couple of weeks. I don't always go the same way - but I made sure to go a certain way today specifically to get pictures of this.

Doesn't look so bad from here...

Then as you get a little closer, you realize exactly what is going on...

Yes, that is a dog - doing its best to scare the living crap out of anyone who walks past its 6' tall privacy fence.

The first time I walked through here, I had my head down and my headphones on, and all of a sudden there was really loud barking and growling coming from above my head. I'm pretty sure that if someone filmed it, they are very rich right now because I squealed and jumped and just about ran, thinking that I was about to get attacked. There are at least 2 dogs in that fence, and they throw a royal fit every time I walk past - because of course I keep forgetting about them and so I keep walking past them. Like an idiot.

Just a few blocks away from the psycho-dogs, I get to walk past some Kansas skyscrapers.

Hopefully, today was the last day that I have to walk for a while. The Dude *thinks* that he has the truck fixed, but I refuse to believe it until I actually see it for myself - because I just know the way that our luck runs. I did manage to hitch a ride home after work with a coworker, so that was nice. And a friend took the boys to school for me this morning - and that was a huge help.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In other news.....in case you didn't catch it on my facebook page, it appears that the Tooth Fairy has to make another visit. Luckily, a letter isn't necessary this time around since the boys don't seem to trash their room as much as the girls do.

Now I have to go throw a load of laundry in the washer so that I have clean clothes to wear to work tomorrow....and I think I'm actually going to try to get to bed at a reasonable hour again because for whatever reason, my allergies are kicking my butt. Blah.

Broken down

Today has been rough. Actually, the past couple of months have been.

When I was thinking about what I wanted to write about tonight, I started out thinking that it was going to be a total rant-fest, with me doing nothing but complaining about everything that is going wrong in my life - because honestly, right now, there's a lot of garbage that is going wrong. I seriously spent hours today crying my eyes out. I'm talking full-blown sobbing, snot bubbles, drooling, gasping-for-air ugly crying. For hours. I truly felt like I was having a nervous breakdown or something, because I just couldn't take it anymore.

But as I started to calm down and think more and more about it, I realized that yes - things kind of suck right now - but at the same time, there's still a lot of good stuff too. And I need to think about that or else I'm going to lose what little bit of my mind I have left.

There's been a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff going on that has been incredibly stressful on me, and honestly no one but The Dude knows all of it. I haven't even told my best friends about all of it and I know that I've been pushing them away because I don't want to talk about it yet. It's been so hard, and he's been amazing through all of it (as usual).

He hurt his shoulder a few weeks ago. Badly. He really can't do much of anything right now. The MRI is scheduled for Monday and then we'll have a better idea of how much damage there is and what the next step will be. Until then, a lot of extra stuff is falling on me. I had to drag my mower over there the other night to take care of their yard, even though I was tired and cranky and irritable - but you know what? I like to mow. I was glad I was able to do it. And I got a workout. And it's one less thing for him and his mother to have to worry about getting done. Win x4.

My van. Ugh. Blown head gasket. The garage wanted $2300 to fix it. Ha. Instead, The Dude talked to his friend who talked to his buddy and bargaining was done and deals were made and parts were ordered and it should be fixed within the next couple of weeks for about 1/5th of that quote. I can't complain about that.

The Dude's truck. It's been my temporary set of wheels for the past few days - until this morning when it started to overheat and spew coolant out of the engine. Fearing the worst, The Dude took it and dealt with it while I was at work. Although I ended up having to do an unexpected 3-mile sprint really fast walk to get the boys from school, he was somehow able to replace the thermostat by himself (with one arm) for a grand total of about $9.

Unfortunately, while the sealant on the new part cures, it can't be driven for 24 hours, so I missed the girls' band concert tonight. And I thought that I was going to miss the CF walk tomorrow, but thanks to a dear friend offering me a ride (which involves her going WAY out of her way) I will be there. I will be wearing a horrible outfit, but I will be there.

I got this part-time job a few weeks ago, only planning to work a few hours here and there for some extra spending money - but with everything else that is happening (and costing us money) I quickly realized that I need to work more hours. I talked to my boss about it and she is willing to give me more hours AND work around my availability - and until The Dude goes back to work, he'll be able to help me with the kids in order to make all of this happen.

There's a lot of other smaller things going on at the same time - but I always find it amazing how all of the big crap decides to go wrong at the same time - and it's so easy to get sucked into the horribleness of it and forget that there's still good stuff happening too. I know that we're going to get through all of this at some point - we'll get my van fixed and get his van running and get his shoulder fixed and find our dream house and pay off all of our bills and life will be better than it is now - but I just have to be patient and keep working toward that, one day at a time.

I'll rise

I went camping this weekend with Alex and Daniel. It was a Scout thing, and although it was horribly cold and windy and at times downright miserable, the boys had a great time and we survived the weekend with very few serious issues for the amount of kids that we had with us.

While we were there and I was basically unplugged from the world, it gave me a break from thinking a whole heck of a lot.  But now that we're back and the clothes are unpacked and the laundry is (almost) done, it's back to reality.

Things are piling up again, and my plate is full - and like I mentioned on my facebook page, it's not full of chocolate.

~The Dude is facing what will most likely be major surgery on his shoulder, and right now he is miserable - and I can't do anything to help. He's not working, but there are still bills to be paid on his end.
~We are still looking to move as soon as we can, but of course, that takes money - lots of money - whether we decide to rent or buy.
~It appears that my van needs to have some work done on it. Like, now. I probably shouldn't be driving it, but I don't have much of a choice.

Needless to say, all of that adds to my normally stressful and chaotic life. I actually spoke to my boss last week and she gave me a few additional hours this week so that will help financially. I've all but cut out any frivolous spending on my end in order to save as much money as possible so that we can get through all of this stuff, and I'm looking into some other opportunities to make money that I've known about but ignored up until now.

Bottom line is this: no matter what happens, we're going to get through all of the BS. Even though right now I feel not only like my plate is full, but that I've been smacked upside the head with it - things are going to fall into place and we're going to survive. The Dude will get his shoulder fixed and be back to 100% soon, we'll get moved into a new fabulous wonderful place, and my van will be roadworthy again.

It might not happen today or tomorrow or next week - but I know that we are going to get through it.