I started my full-time gig at work a while back, and I have mixed emotions about it.
Seriously. We all know that I'm not a morning person. Getting up at 4:30am five days per week sucks. My days off are unpredictable. I come home greasy and exhausted and cranky and sore.
I work with some really great people. Some really awesome people. But there's always that one person who ruins it for everyone - and in our case, it's one of the people in a position of power. There are days when the stress of being totally overworked and underappreciated gets to be too much, and I have to convince myself (and others) not to just walk out of the building and never return.
And then I get my paycheck, and I seriously wonder.....is it really worth it? It's not like I'm making a ton of money, which would make being miserable slightly easier to handle.
At the same time, I need this job. No, I need a job. This one was handed to me at the right time. My credit is *thisclose* to being repaired enough to apply for a mortgage. Seriously, *thisclose*. I got word the other day that one huge thing on my credit report has been deleted - and this was something that had a serious detrimental effect on my scores. So I'm waiting for next month's report to see if maybe, just maybe, it was enough to push me over the top. The extra income from this job will make it easier to get us into a house - without a doubt.
I sat down last night and figured some bills. My van is so close to being paid off - like, if I really push it, I can maybe pay it off by the end of the year. And the medical bills that appeared over the summer - instead of taking 7 months to pay them all, I think I can do it in four. I can't do that without the income from a job.
So the job is good. Or at least the income from the job is good. Or good-ish. It definitely helps.
But at the same time....
I was off the last couple of days because I was sick. Well, today was supposed to be my day off, but I took off yesterday as a sick day. And honestly, these were the best two days that I've had since I started this job - because I wasn't there. I got to take the kids to school, and I realized how much I miss doing that. I got to putter around the house and get stuff done (when I wasn't sleeping) and I realized how much I miss doing that.
Don't get me wrong - I love that The Dude does so much with the kids so that I can work. I love that he does it and that he does it willingly. But I hate it. He's spending more time with them than I am - and as a mom, that's not ok with me. He shouldn't be the one meeting with the principal over behavior issues - that should be me (ok, it really shouldn't be either one of us, but the kids aren't perfect). He shouldn't be waking the kids up for school - that should be me. He shouldn't be the one running them to last minute appointments - that should be me. And now that he's working, I'm having to turn to other people to help out with the kids from time to time - and while I trust them completely it still makes me feel so incredibly guilty every time I have to do it.
I know that this is what working parents go through, but I hate it. I made a promise to myself 2 1/2 years ago that I wouldn't work as long as they were little and I could afford not to do it - and I'm breaking that promise - to myself and to them.
I have to stop and ask myself why I'm doing this. I keep saying "it's to get us into a house of our own" and yes, that's true. But at the same time I have to wonder if I couldn't do that without the job. Or maybe without THIS job. Sure, it might take longer, but it could happen. I know it could.
I'm seriously questioning my "need" to work right now. Is getting into a house of our own right now so important that I should be sacrificing time with my kids and my own happiness to make it happen? Am I being greedy by wanting this to happen right now, when realistically we could wait a few more months for it to happen? Or is it something that we can put off for a few months in order to save our sanity? I don't ever want to look back on this period of my life and say "wow, that was so not worth the stress".
I'm not a quitter. I'm not one to walk away from an obligation just because it's hard or stressful. But this is one of those situations that really has me questioning what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.
Decisions, decisions....none of which can be taken lightly.
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| Stress doodles while working on computer stuff tonight. No point, really. |
You doodle in COLOR? Go.To.Bed. Seriously. Now, only you can decide whats best for you, but you have ALWAYS had a problem LETTING other people help you. Yes, LETTING. All I'm saying is sleep on it, and (try) to make a decision when you're (more) rested & had a chance to process all the facts. The kids, well they love Dude, and if it were their fathers doing these things would it bother you as much? Just throwing that out there. I sub ewe. Text me ANYTIME.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I think you should quit. I think you should look for another job, but maybe a part-time office job. You are SO smart, I know anyone would love to have you working for them. These are the best years of Daniel's and his young brother's lives. I am 61. I was always a workaholic and I have never wished, as I look back, that I had worked more! The money comes and goes. It will come and you will get that house you want for your family and The Dude and you (and his mom?) I don't usually go around advising people to quit their jobs. But this time I think you are questioning it for a good reason. I'll back you no matter what you do but that's my two cents.
ReplyDeleteKatie
I'm thinking there is a compromise somewhere in there. I think both of you trying to work full time is just too much with your already hectic schedules. I think your best bet would be to find a part time job while the kids are in school. Sometimes business's advertise stay at home moms welcome to apply. Then hopefully you will have the best of both worlds. And while it may slow your saving for a house, I promise you when your kids are grown you won't look back and say "wow I wish I would have kept that job". I have two adult children and a few left at home. There have been times in my life where I had to work or we didn't eat. But as soon as we could afford it I became a SAHM and have never had any regrets about that choice. It's the best job in the world.
ReplyDeleteOk. I am throwing my hat into the mix here. And, Amy, it's going to be a LONG one.
ReplyDeleteI was determined to be living just above the poverty line, and allow my ex husband to kind of work, so that I could stay home and be that kind of mom to Emry.
That didn't happen.
Divorce Happened.
LIFE HAPPENED.
I had to bust my butt.
I had to pay for daycare.
I had to trust in family.. mostly my dad.
I worked my ass off, and I did it against what I WANTED for my child. For my child to have a mother around all the time, because that is my ROLE in this world.
Then, I landed this job, and I needed more help.
We figured it out.
It was hard, I was barely making ends meat.
But, we were starting to pull ourselves above a level I never dreamed we could, especially with it being JUST ME.
Then Klay, just landed in my world. Klay is my version of your The Dude.
He wanted to be helpful, because he loved me, he loved Emry. He wanted what I wanted... To give Emry the best life physically possible.
Not to be rich, but to have enough to feel and be safe.
Giving up responsibility to Klay, was really hard. Because it is MY JOB... Emry is MY RESPONSIBILITY.
But, even until today, I struggle with my boyfriend having such a profound impact in Emry's life.
But, We are doing better than ever before. WE GOT A HOUSE.. a nice house... I got a promotion before we got the house.
Emry is doing all the activities a "Normal" kid does.
Had a jam packed summer of fun.
And, this is all because, I dug deep, trusted in my significant other.
And allowed myself to take the journey.
You got a good man.
And work will always suck.
But, who says, that this job doesn't lead you to ANOTHER position. That someone notices your hard work and dedication.. And steals you to a BETTER place.
It's all a test.
Good things happen when you are busting your ass.
This will not be forever.
It is just RIGHT NOW.
Keep going.
You're doing great things.
Allow life to lead you.
Keep making great decisions.
For you, your family and for your relationship.
Just a little longer.. this will all pay off.
The darkness comes in the strongest when we are so desperately close to achieving the light.
AMY,I AGREE WITH KATERI. SHE'S A VERY SMART GAL. SHE'S BEEN THERE AND KNOW HARD WORK PAYS OFF. HAVE YOU HAD A TALK WITH THE ONE THAT GIVES YOU A HARD TIME. SHE OR HE MAYBE OVER WORKED, ALSO. MAYBE ONE DAY THE UNDERCOVER BOSS WILL WALK IN AND JUST SEE WHAT YOU DO. YOUR FOOT IS IN THE DOOR. MY ADOPTED DAUGHTER STARTED OUT WAITING ON TABLES 30 PLUS YEARS AGO NOW SHE'S A DISTRICT MANAGER FOR THE COMPANY.STILL LONG HOURS AND HARD WORK. GOOD MONEY. SHE HAD A COUPLE OF KIDS ALSO. THE KIDS ARE GREAT. HONOR STUDENTS. ONE JUST GRADUATED COLLAGE AND NOW BECOMING A DOCTOR. MOTHER AND DAD WERE THERE FOR THEM AT ALL THEIR ACTIVITIES. THEY WORKED IT OUT. I'M LIKE YOU,I BELIEVE IN MOMS STAYING HOME AND BEING THERE FOR THEM.SOMETIMES YOU JUST CAN'T FOR ONE REASON OR OTHER. I HAVE LEARNED THAT IN TODAYS WORLD FORGET IT. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY ANYMORE. YOU CAN ALWAY FIND SOMETHING THAT YOU LOVE. THE COMPANIES WORK WITH THE MOMS' AND DADS' TODAY AS LONG AS YOU GET YOUR WORK DONE. I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. YOUR EDUCATED AND A HARD WORKER. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT. YOUR LUCKY THAT THE GIRLS ARE GETTING OLD ENOUGH NOW TO HELP BIG TIME AT HOME. IT WON'T BE LONG WHEN THE BOYS WILL BE ABLE TO WASH WINDOWS,MOW THE LAWN AND ETC. IT'S ALL YOUR CHOICE. EXTRA MONEY AT HOME COULD BE SELLING AVON PRODUCTS. MY MOM DID THAT FOR 17 YEARS. SHE HAD A GOOD BUSINESS GOING BECAUSE SHE WORKED IT. THAT WAS BACK IN THE DAY.OUR PHONE WAS ALWAY RINGING OFF THE HOOK. PLUS, SHE LOVED IT. WHATEVER YOU DO IT WILL WORK OUT. YOU KNOW IT AND SO DO WE. GRANNY
ReplyDeleteOnly you know what is right for your family, but let me share with you what I learned about working in fast food. It sucks. It sucks the life out of you. You are rushed and treated badly.
ReplyDeleteI make more waiting tables part time than I did working the crappy opening shift at the fast food place full time. Swing shift 4 days a week makes me about 300 a week on my paycheck and another 200 a week in tips. And I feel appreciated. Respected, even.
As a 41 year old single Mom of 3.... appreciated, respected, and TIPPED are things I love!!
I tend to think that the fast food job isn't worth it.....