Want to follow my blog?
Pick a way to do it!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

And people wonder why I don't want to do it again...

I keep telling everyone that I am never getting married again. And people laugh at me and say "oh, you'll change your mind one of these days".

I really don't think so.

I started cleaning out my filing cabinet today. There was a lot of junk in there that I'll go through later, but the worst part was the paperwork. There was so much of it.

Some of it - not so bad. Kids' report cards and drawings and love notes that they had written to me. Those made me smile.

But as I dug deeper, I started getting into the ugly stuff. Really ugly stuff. And I had to go through it and look at it and sort it out and organize it.

Nasty letters to and from attorneys from my first divorce. Letters stating how I was a horrible mother and shouldn't have custody of my kids. Documentation of my failings as a parent. Detailed lists of the items that my first husband wanted out of our home when we divorced. Court documents regarding the domestic violence in my second marriage. Arrest reports with sordid details about my second husband's drunken rages and his DUI arrest. Documentation of counseling that we were forced to go to in order for me to even have any hopes of keeping my kids.

I went through all of it. I sorted it out and put it in mostly chronological order and put it in files marked "Divorce #1" and "Divorce #2" and I put them in their place in the drawer before I really realized just how huge the files are. So much ugliness in those two fat manila folders. I hope that I never have to look at them again. But it seems like every time I put them away, something comes up and I have to dig them out again.

I'm not perfect - I never said that I was. But seeing it all in black and white again just brought back so many things that I had left buried in the past. And I will admit that right now, I am angry at both of my exes, but at the same time I am also angry at myself. I made some crappy choices back then and while I suffered the consequences, my kids went through hell too. They went through hell because of choices that I made - and no child should have to go through that.

But they did. We did. And while we got through it and we survived it, I don't want to risk doing that to them again. I don't want to risk doing it to myself again. I'm terrified of failing at marriage a third time. I don't want to have to add a third folder to that collection.

I know what you're thinking - I have this wonderful guy in my life now, and wouldn't it be great if.........?

First off, it is way too early to even be thinking about that. Rushing into things is just a small part of where those two folders originated.

Have we talked about it? Yep. Have we joked around about it? All the time. In fact, our favorite joke started because it seems like no matter where we go, people assume that we're married. So The Dude has taken to calling me "Wifey" - and I respond with my nickname for him: "Never". He knows my feelings on marriage - I made that clear to him from the very beginning (actually I think I made it clear to him even before our first date, just to be safe).

Am I crazy about him? Oh, hell yes.
Do I want to be with him as much as possible? Yep.
Do I see a future for us together? Yep.
Have we talked about moving in together at some point in the semi-distant future? Yep. (Don't get excited - we're talking 1-2 years from now, depending on lots of different factors.)
Do I foresee us getting married? Nope.

Maybe that's a little harsh. But honestly, right now, I have no desire to ever be married again. The first two times were brutal on me and on the kids. We've been hurt too deeply too many times by men who claimed that they loved us. At this point, I have lost all faith in marriage. Vows don't seem to mean as much as they used to for so many people. I see people in long-term relationships that function so much better than couples who are married - so why ruin a good thing by making it "official"?

Maybe, just maybe, at some point I'll change my mind. I don't know how he's doing it, but somehow The Dude has been knocking down the walls that I so carefully built and he's making me feel things that I swore I would never feel again. And for some reason, I'm ok with it. We talk about things like this a lot, and I am open and honest with him about everything. He knows what I'm thinking - sometimes before I even say it.

How he puts up with me is a mystery to me. But I'm so glad that he does. And I just hope that he will continue to put up with me (and the chaos that is my life) for a very long time - whether or not we ever decide to make it official.


  1. Who needs a piece of "paper" to make things right?

    1. Ha! I knew YOU'D "get it" - but we've also talked about this a few times. ;)

  2. I have just initiated the final stage of the end of my marriage - the filing of the divorce paperwork. Ugly week, ugly marriage really. I rushed into it, believed that "he" would be different when we were married, believed that he could stop the drinking and then the abuse would stop. Bad move, bad thoughts, bad outcome.

    I have a file full of stuff - on my computer and in my filing box. It's ugly. I don't want to ever look at it again and there may come a time when I have the courage to just delete it all so that I don't even get tempted to take a peek ... but at the moment it is serving a purpose. It is reminding me that I need to make sure I take the rose tinted glasses off when it comes to love and relationships. That sometimes the perfect in-laws are the ones who'll rip you to perfect little pieces when you tell the truth about their son. That sometimes it is better to walk away with your life intact, then have it nearly taken from you when the rage strikes in an alcoholic...the police arrest sheets remind me of that.

    I thought I would be bitter about marriage though but strangely I'm not. Maybe because I know that it wasn't me...that the crap that happened, happened because my ex husband was an alcoholic abuser. That no matter what I did, it was never going to be good enough. And for some reason that actually inspires me to want to try again. To believe that the next time around (if there is a next time) I might be blessed enough to have a good marriage.

    I don't know. We'll see where life takes me. But thanks for this post. It has helped me to know that I am not the only one who looks at the ugly paperwork and reflects. Thanks.

    1. Wow. Thank you so much for commenting. What you said literally took my breath away.

      First off, I am so sorry for what you are going through - I can safely say 'been there done that' and you will get through it and you will come out stronger in the end (even though it might not seem like it at times).

      The paperwork is a very real reminder of everything that I've been through. I would love to have a big bonfire and burn it all, but I know that I have to keep it in case it is needed again for reference. =/ And it reminds me, as it does you, to look at things objectively.

      I'm glad to hear that you're not bitter - it actually gives me hope that maybe someday I'll be able to be a little more optimistic about marriage in general - but I'm just not there yet.

      Those alcoholic abusers have a way of really raking us over the coals, don't they?

      Best wishes to you - keep your chin up, and I hope you stick around here and comment often - it's nice to know that we're not alone out there! *hugs*

  3. I always swore I'd never get married. And I never did, until I was 56! I was just too strong and independent to ever want marriage. Then I met Kevin, the love of my life. We met online, but a long long time ago when computers were still pretty new. We were friends online for 3.5 years first, then we went out.He lived in NJ and I lived in Boston. We dated long-distance for 3 years. Then I moved to Jersey. Long story short, we were together for 14 years when I decided I wanted to marry him. And as I said, I was 56! I kept my last name the first 3 years we were married (we married in 2008). And now just lately I have been slowing changing things over to his last name, my new last name. It still feels weird! Most of the time I'm happy about being married. Sometimes I wish I'd stuck to my guns and not married. But there were no kids involved at any point (I don't have kids and neither does he) so no one else was really affected by all this.

    My point is you can be very much in love and fully together for years and years and be perfectly happy!

    Go with your gut and remember there's no rush. :)


    1. Katie, that's awesome! Sounds like we've been online for about the same amount of time - I think I started in 1997 and I still have friends that I talk to from back then who I have never met face-to-face.

      Definitely no rush - and I almost always listen to my gut! :)

  4. you are such a strong woman to have gone through so much, and i can see why you would never want to go through it again, even if it could be different. and while the dude seems very awesome for you, i can definitely see why you still don't see that in your future. i agree with the first comment, that you don't need a piece of paper to tell you that you love someone. much love xoxo

    1. LOL I think I have too much paper already, you know? ;)

  5. Wow. You see, we were right... oh the "FUN" stuff you find ON the desk or IN the filing cabinet.

    So strong.
    You are my mama-hero.

    1. Oh yeah, you were right. I haven't even gotten to the desk yet. Yikes! :)

  6. Nothing to worry about, we'll just enjoy the awesomeness that is us and if we come to that bridge we'll decide then to cross or burn the sucker.

    In the meantime, wifey, don't sweat it, I know where you stand and you know where I stand.

    1. You are amazing. I don't know how you put up with me sometimes.

      And yes, Never, I think we've both been pretty clear about where we're standing - and I think we're in a good place. ;)

  7. I have also had 2 failed marriages. the 1st I was with from the time I was 14. but I only married him to piss my mom off. 5 years and 2 kids later he was an alcoholic that also used drugs and beat me. The 2nd one I so rushed into. I knew deep down that he wasn't good for me or my kids, but I was sooooo in love. That lasted a little over 2 years and we had 1 child together. He was very emotionally abusive. Very controlling. And I found out later that he wasn't very nice to my older son at all. So now when I see him I want to seriously kick him hard, in the place where you are njot supposed to kick boys. Luckily I usually only have to see him once a year because he lives far away. I am now married to the most wonderful man ever. And I said the same things that you do. It took a while, and a really special guy to change my attitude towards marriage, but I am glad that he cracked through those walls that I had built up because he is amazing to me and my kids!

    1. Oh yeah, just to make it clear, I didn't get married when I was 14, I started dating him when I was 14 lol

    2. LOL I kind of guessed that was the case, although I know some people do get married that young! ;) Honestly, it's nice to see people who HAVE changed their minds and decided to give it a shot either for the first time or again - but the thought still makes my skin crawl! LOL

  8. I have been there. I swore that I would never get married again. Julie went through hell before it finally happened. After my divorce and several failed relationships after the divorce I finally decided to quit dating and find ME. I realized that I was no longer Roy. I was Roy and (insert name here). I had to find me again. But I wasn't just Roy anymore either because I was a single father now as well. So it was me and my son against the world. So I forgot about all of the dating BS and just concentrated on being a dad. After I stowed all of the baggage out of the way it opened up enough space in my heart for someone else to move into it. Then came Julie.

    The biggest problem that women make with marriage is thinking that they can change the guy and make him into the man that they want him to be. The biggest mistake that men make is thinking that the woman WON't change. Wrong on both accounts. Ladies. Your not going to change us. If we drink, do drugs, cheat and beat your not going to change that. Guess what. If he cheated with you to be with you he will cheat on you to be with someone else. Same thing with the women. If she cheated with you she'll cheat on you. So why are you surprised when he/she does it to you?

    The second biggest mistake the people make is jumping from one relationship to another to another. If you don't know who you are and can't manage your own life without drama then what makes you think that you can bring on someone else's baggage? And don't get involved with someone who skips around from relationship to relationship. You don't want or need their baggage or their shit either.

    And the most important thing. Contrary to popular belief, marriage is NOT a 50/50 proposition. When people believe that, when they have done their 50% and their spouse can't do their half, then they become resentful and arguments start. There are times when that other person just CAN'T do their half. And when that happens you can't get angry about it. I am blessed with a wonderful wife who had taught me more about love and caring and compassion than anyone else that I know. Even my mother. She proves it to me every day. I cannot do my half. I try to do as much as I can but it falls short of half by a long way. Julie has to pick up that slack and never once has she ever thrown it up in my face that she has to do more around here than I do. We don't and NEVER have had an argument. We have been together for 12 years, married for 10 and we have never had an argument. Never about money, never about bills, never about past relationships, NOTHING. WE...DON'T...ARGUE. We both came into this relationship with our eyes open, cautious and careful. We had both been hurt in the past. She never tried to change me but I have changed over the years. Not because she made me but because I saw that I was a better person because of her. We are coming up on ten years of marriage and I can honestly say that it has been the best ten years of my life. And there has been a lot of shit happen in ten years. Many of them would have and have torn other couples apart. But with us? With us, it has made us stronger. To learn a little about our journey follow the link.


    Stay strong Amy. Whichever way you choose, I am sure that Kerry will follow and support.

    1. Thanks Roy! :)

      We still need to arrange a playdate with some marinating action one of these days....

  9. I love your blogs and frequently they tug on my heart. I have known you for some time, while I didn't really know all the details, I knew you and kids were dealt some rough times. But I also saw just what a strong lady you were, and I have always admired that in you. You and the kids have been a part of my prayers often, I am honored to be your friend and I still admire you and know just what an awesome person you are. You don't have to be married to be successful or complete.... You are loved, enjoy life have fun and be happy. Do what is right for you and your kids. BTW, I am on my 3rd marriage and I finally got it right. I am a firm believer that the word "never" should be used sparingly..:) Tomorrow just may bring lots of surprises, embrace it with open arms...... I am so happy for you, who you are and where you are today.

    1. Thank you so much! I keep hearing that "third time's a charm" saying and I wonder about it...but for right now, I'm still sticking with my "never" stance - even though like you said, that word should be used sparingly. But, there will be more about that in my post tonight, once I sit down and clear all of the thoughts out of my head! ;)

  10. Replies
    1. You're already married. And you live in Jersey. *shudder*


  11. Sorry, brother, but I'm gonna have to call dibs on this one, if she'll let me!

  12. Awwww, you know how I feel about this one my dear friend. I can't think of anyone who deserves happiness more than you, or who busts ass harder for that matter. I wanna be like you when I grow up. I said never too before D, and no it isn't perfect, yes I'm having serious doubts; but I am also looking at myself and seeing some places I could do more.

    What Roy said in his comments hit me hard. I have some processing of my own to do. I don't give my 50% when I can and sometimes he doesn't understand when I CAN'T but I see myself giving more when he needs it not because he makes me, but because I do love him and want him to be happy and you know me - ever the giver and fixer....

    Anyways - wild horses wouldn't keep me if Dude busts down that wall and storms the castle gates ;p Love you <3

    1. If he busts down the wall and storms the castle gates, you'll be one of the first to know - you know that! Love you too!

  13. I love that Kerry follows your blog, and even comments! I think that is super nice, and makes me feel good about him for you. If we knew he read your blogs without commenting, that would be another story. Then I would think he was controlling and/or checking up on you. He seems like a great guy, but you know not to rush into moving in together. No one has to tell you that. Just keep loving each other, having fun, and moving forward. Thanks for your honesty and openness. I really enjoy your stuff!

    1. Thanks, Pam!

      I told him about the blog right away - I didn't want him to 'find out about it' later and then be uncomfortable with it. It's something that I started on a whim, but it's really taken on a life of its own lately and I enjoy having the outlet. When I first started writing about him, I made sure that he was ok with it first, and his response was something to the effect of "it's your blog, you can write about anything you want to in it" and he had no reservations. I do usually warn him before the "big" posts come out - although he can usually predict them just by being around me.

      We do have a good thing going here - and I am enjoying every second of it!

      Thanks for reading and commenting!


I have only two rules - don't reveal anyone's personal information, and be respectful. It's not difficult, honest. Now, go on and play.