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Thursday, February 9, 2012

Why I don't want to do it again - Part II

So apparently last night's post got lots of people thinking. I love the comments that I got on it, both publicly and privately. They gave me lots of insight into something that has been on my mind a lot over the past couple of years.

I've been saying that I will never get married again. I've said that I've done it twice, I've failed miserably both times, so what's the point in trying it a third time? I've said that I don't believe in marriage anymore. I've said that I'd rather 'live in sin' with someone for the rest of my life than to take the chance of getting married again.

Then today, a single comment on my facebook page got me thinking. It was a comment where I had posted the link to last night's blog and it said "Sounds more like the CHOICE of men, that are the problem." To be completely honest, at first I took that as a snarky comment and almost snapped at the guy who said it. But then I started thinking about it a little bit more and I realized that he was right.

I chose to marry those guys. And those choices turned out to be not so great. At the time(s) I thought that I was making the right choice(s). But I didn't - I was wrong.

I don't trust myself to make that kind of a decision at this point in my life.

That's it. That's my big epiphany. Seems so simple, huh?

In reality, it is simple. We, as human beings, have to trust - ourselves and others. Without trust, we walk through life wondering if we're being done wrong. And that wondering leads to questioning everything - our motives, other people's motives, everything.

I have always been a very trusting person, almost to a fault. And it has come back to bite me in the butt more times than I care to recall. Because of my unfailing trust in others, I have been lied to, cheated on, abused physically and emotionally...the list goes on forever. I have almost always totally blamed the other person, and until recently hadn't looked at myself and the role that my choices played in those scenarios.

Had I made different choices, most of those negative experiences wouldn't have happened. But now, I'm looking at myself more than ever. And I'm looking at myself through the eyes of someone who has finally realized that instant gratification isn't always lasting - just because I might think that I want something right now doesn't mean that it is something that I will want in the future.

At the same time, not wanting something right now doesn't mean that I won't want it at some point in my life. Right now, I have no desire to be married - but I think that stems more from fear than from anything else. I don't have enough faith in myself yet to even think about taking that kind of a step.

The funny thing is that when I went over to The Dude's house today, I told him what was going through my mind - that I don't trust myself enough to even think about something as crazy as marriage right now and he told me that he had pretty much already figured that out, just from reading what I had written last night. I gave him the look and he showed me in the post where he had come to the same conclusion. I don't know how he does it, but he gets me. And he still puts up with me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that right now, my plan is to never get married again - that hasn't changed. But I will admit that at some point in the future, there is a possibility that I might change my mind. But until I know that I can trust myself to make the right decision, I'm sticking with "never".


  1. " I don't want to risk doing it to myself again. I'm terrified of failing at marriage a third time. I don't want to have to add a third folder to that collection. "

    There was alot of insight in yesterdays post, but this told me alot of the story.
    Frankly, for both of us, just to have the successful relationship we have, we both have to overcome our own and each others past hurt, past failings. To be able to open up completely to one another on the committed relationship level, let alone the marriage level is going to take time, caring and patience.

    My concern is not with what may be, but with what is.
    What is: You've invited me into your family, the kids have taken to the idea and it's my job from here to make those decisions priceless. None of the other things matter to me, not the opinions of others, not the what if, not the second tuesday of next week.

    Just your family and my family slowly meshing together.

    That is all, I now return you to your regularly scheduled program!

    1. Again, you amaze me every single day. I don't even know what to say at this point - I'm speechless.

      That alone speaks volumes. ;)

    2. All of these comments below don't matter at this point... the only thing that matters is what that guy up there said.

  2. What that Kerry guy said! And who is he? ;)

    1. Oh, I don't know. Some guy I picked up at Burger King one night. ;)

    2. Wow... that sounds... creepy. Just some random dude, hanging out in the play land area at the burger king! LOL

      Best first date ever, sticky floors and all!

  3. Sounds like Kerry may be "the Dude" :)~ Just remember, our needs, wants, desires, etc are always changing.. just like our hurts, pains and fears... eventually, they mesh and become our present... the key is to appreciate that time for what it is.. when you have been tired, scared, lonely and in pain.. you needed those times to grow.. and I say this as someone who has also made her fair share of questionable decisions and is heavily doubting the wisdom of another marriage ;) But I sure love my present! Stay strong Momma! Sounds like you have a great man in your present :) Cin

    1. The present is definitely wonderful, and I am enjoying every single second of it! One thing that I have learned recently is to never take anything for granted - and that is something that is never far from my mind at any given point in time! :)

  4. Burger King???????? That gives a whole new meaning to going to Burger King for a Whopper!!!!!!!!

  5. I think the key word in this post is slowly. There is no hurry. Trust gets built when things happen slowly so that you can see them coming and prepare for them ahead of time. Relationships aren't a mad rush to the finish line, rather they are all about what happens along the way.

    *Everybody* has skeletons in their closet. Take your time and fully understand what one another's skeletons are. You'll know ahead of time whether or not they are relationship killers.

    1. You are so right, Jason. I've always rushed to the finish line before, and I am not going to do it this time. There is no point in rushing - when you rush, you miss all the little things along the way. I'd rather take it slowly and enjoy everything.

  6. That's a keeper.
    Married or just a Meshed Family Unit.


    1. I tend to agree with you, Kateri. I kinda' like having him around!

  7. both of you just amaze me!! :)
    it's so refreshing to see a real, happy, NORMAL relationship. {{hugs}}
    ps, keep making me all weepy, and i'm gonna have to spork you XD






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