So apparently last night's post got lots of people thinking. I love the comments that I got on it, both publicly and privately. They gave me lots of insight into something that has been on my mind a lot over the past couple of years.
I've been saying that I will never get married again. I've said that I've done it twice, I've failed miserably both times, so what's the point in trying it a third time? I've said that I don't believe in marriage anymore. I've said that I'd rather 'live in sin' with someone for the rest of my life than to take the chance of getting married again.
Then today, a single comment on my facebook page got me thinking. It was a comment where I had posted the link to last night's blog and it said "Sounds more like the CHOICE of men, that are the problem." To be completely honest, at first I took that as a snarky comment and almost snapped at the guy who said it. But then I started thinking about it a little bit more and I realized that he was right.
I chose to marry those guys. And those choices turned out to be not so great. At the time(s) I thought that I was making the right choice(s). But I didn't - I was wrong.
I don't trust myself to make that kind of a decision at this point in my life.
That's it. That's my big epiphany. Seems so simple, huh?
In reality, it is simple. We, as human beings, have to trust - ourselves and others. Without trust, we walk through life wondering if we're being done wrong. And that wondering leads to questioning everything - our motives, other people's motives, everything.
I have always been a very trusting person, almost to a fault. And it has come back to bite me in the butt more times than I care to recall. Because of my unfailing trust in others, I have been lied to, cheated on, abused physically and emotionally...the list goes on forever. I have almost always totally blamed the other person, and until recently hadn't looked at myself and the role that my choices played in those scenarios.
Had I made different choices, most of those negative experiences wouldn't have happened. But now, I'm looking at myself more than ever. And I'm looking at myself through the eyes of someone who has finally realized that instant gratification isn't always lasting - just because I might think that I want something right now doesn't mean that it is something that I will want in the future.
At the same time, not wanting something right now doesn't mean that I won't want it at some point in my life. Right now, I have no desire to be married - but I think that stems more from fear than from anything else. I don't have enough faith in myself yet to even think about taking that kind of a step.
The funny thing is that when I went over to The Dude's house today, I told him what was going through my mind - that I don't trust myself enough to even think about something as crazy as marriage right now and he told me that he had pretty much already figured that out, just from reading what I had written last night. I gave him the look and he showed me in the post where he had come to the same conclusion. I don't know how he does it, but he gets me. And he still puts up with me.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that right now, my plan is to never get married again - that hasn't changed. But I will admit that at some point in the future, there is a possibility that I might change my mind. But until I know that I can trust myself to make the right decision, I'm sticking with "never".