Bit by bit.

Know what I hate?

(Besides pumpkin flavored anything, that is....)

I hate the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Whether it's the unending list of things to do, financial obligations, scheduling conflicts, or emotional crap, I don't like to be overwhelmed. I like simple. I like easy.

Unfortunately, life isn't always simple or easy.

We came back from vacation a few days ago, and I've been trying to get things done ever since. There's so much laundry and cleaning and sorting and catching up to do, and even with my plethora of lists, I'm still having trouble figuring out where to start.

I spent the majority of the day yesterday mowing the grass. It was wet and overgrown and awful. A job that usually takes less than 2 hours and about a half a tank of gas took me over 5 hours and about 2 1/2 tanks because the grass was so high that it kept stalling the engine. It was a nightmare, but I got it done.

The other really big thing that has been nagging at me, waiting for me to get it done, was weeding the garden. I did it right before we left in the hopes that it wouldn't be so bad when we got home. But, we apparently got upwards of 5" of rain and the weeds went crazy. What makes it more difficult is that we dug this garden this year, so the grass keeps growing back in from the edges.

I knew I had to get it done today, no matter what. I was tired, I was sore, and I was in no mood to do it, but I forced myself to get out there and do it. The ground was just wet enough that the weeds weren't hard to pull, so once I got started, it went fairly quickly and easily, and although I only planned to do about half of it tonight, after about 3 hours I had it completely done.

I worked on it alone, with Alex and Daniel occasionally coming outside to tattle whine give me progress reports on getting their laundry put away. As I worked, I replayed various scenes from our vacation.

I kept thinking about the devastating scene with my mother, replaying it over and over again, until I couldn't tell if I had sweat or tears dripping off of my face - or maybe a little bit of both. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what happened, and so far I'm not succeeding at it at all.

The only good thing about feeling so helpless with that situation right now is that I can flip that good ol' coping mechanism switch. You know the one - it has that crazy label on it that says "If you can't control one aspect of your life, push this button and you can control something else instead".

Eventually I'll be able to accept this new normal with my mother and get past it and deal with it better than I am right now. At this moment I might not be able to get a grip on the emotional baggage that came back with me a few days ago, but I can sure as hell make sure that there are no weeds in my garden.

Getting fresh snacks is a bonus.

Post-vacation crap

Sometimes I seriously wonder which is worse - preparing to go on a huge vacation, or cleaning up the mess afterwards.

We got home early Friday afternoon. My stomach revolted against me the second we crossed the Kansas state line (not kidding) and so I felt like crap for the rest of the day. I didn't do much except help unload the van (in between trips to the bathroom) and make sure that the house was still standing. On Saturday we ran around for the big festival here in town, but I managed to get a few loads of laundry done here and there.

Today was the busy day for me. It was hard to get started, but I kept working on laundry and even though it's not all done I can at least officially say that all of the sleeping bags have been washed, dried, and put away.

I had planned to work outside today, but woke up to a little bit of rain. It stopped, so I decided to go ahead and mow the grass. I figured that if I at least did the front yard, my house wouldn't look quite so ghetto and I could take my time getting the back yard cut. We apparently got quite a bit of rain while we were gone, and the yard was a disaster. What normally takes me about 2 hours and less than a tank of gas ended up taking me 5+ hours and about 2 1/2 tanks - the grass was so overgrown and wet that it was almost impossible to get it done. It still looks terrible because it's all clumpy and nasty, but it's cut - and after it dries out a bit more I'll mow again and get rid of all of the clumps.

Once I got that done, I came inside and worked on more laundry and other stuff. I really didn't get as much done as I had hoped to, but I was exhausted from mowing and my body hurt. A lot.

But, I managed to get quite a bit of stuff done - nowhere near what I wanted, but every little bit helps at this point.

Of course, things never go as smoothly as I want them to, and when my vacuum decided to give me attitude, I figured out that the one hose was split - which totally explains the lack of suction lately. I knew I could "fix" it, but then I couldn't find a screwdriver and then I couldn't find the duct tape and as I threw an internal temper tantrum (I was too tired by this point for a real one) I found them and I rigged up the vacuum so that it works. At least it worked enough for a few swipes across my bedroom carpet because I'm tired and I'm not vacuuming everything that needs to be done right now even though I really should.

 I had hoped that we were going to have a fairly quiet week this week, but since it's the last week before school starts, I know that's not going to happen. I just found out about 10 minutes ago that Alex has to have a football physical sometime in the next 2 days in order to play (oops), and that's on top of the girls both needing physicals within the week, along with trying to get school shopping done and deal with real life at the same time while also trying to recover from a vacation that exhausted me both physically and emotionally.

I'm really just not in the mood for all of this. I'm just not.

I need a vacation.

Maybe it's official....

Lots of stuff still going on with the house. After all of the chaos that was Friday, we had a fairly quiet weekend. I waited to hear back from Mortgage Lady because she said she was going to touch base with me on Sunday, but I didn't hear from her.

Yesterday morning, I got an email from a woman who works with Mortgage Lady. She needed some additional info (mainly documentation of that bill being paid off) and so we emailed back and forth several times until I got an email from her that about knocked me out of my seat....

Unfortunately {Mortgage Lady} is no longer with us. I believe that she is still going to finish the files that she has but she will not be in the {local} office.

Wait, what????!?!?!! What do you mean?!?!?! Mortgage Lady has been there for me from the get-go! She's been there since before I even started the process! How can she just leave me hanging like this??? Noooooooooo.......

After I got over my initial panic, Mortgage Lady 2.0 explained that she had been working with Mortgage Lady the entire time, and everything would be fine. She knows my story, she knows my file, and there is nothing to worry about.

Uh huh. Sure. Easy for her to say.

Anyway, more emails between me and Mortgage Lady 2.0, and me and Realtor Lady, and I started to think that maybe, just maybe things were going to be ok. They seemed way calmer about the whole situation than I was, so I did my best to take my cues from them.

I didn't have to work today, so after I got the boys to school I came home and started puttering around. I had gotten some empty boxes from work and decided to start in the laundry room, which has been a store room to a ton of games and toys that the kids just don't use anymore. I started going through the stuff and trashed the ones that were missing too many pieces, packed the ones that I want to keep, and posted the rest on facebook in the hopes that some of my friends would want to adopt some new games.

I actually made a little bit of progress, although there's still way more to do - but at least I got started. No more denial - time to start packing.

The Dude came over to hang out for a while this afternoon and we were talking about everything that has been happening with all of this. Then the emails started flying again. Long story short, closing is now officially scheduled for Monday, January 27 at 3:00pm.

Officially. Like.....it's going to happen.

*commence panic attack #745,812 of this process*

At that point we decided to go out and grab a (very) late lunch. As we ate, he tried to talk me down from my freak out (he failed miserably) and we just tried to absorb the enormity of what is about to happen.

As I go through this process, there are so many emotions that go along with it. On the outside, it's just me buying a house - not such a big deal. People do it every day.

But there's also the doubt, the fear, the caution that it might not happen. I know in my head at this point, it's going to happen. But it seems like such a stretch for me - ME - to be doing this. I've made some pretty stupid choices in my life, and none of them should have led me in this direction, but here I am about to commit to a 6-figure investment that in a way I feel that I don't even deserve.

I know that realistically, I could not afford to do this without the Social Security. And I am well-aware that I would not be receiving that if my second husband hadn't passed away. That makes this whole process more than a bit bittersweet for me. I still battle with the feelings of guilt over his death, even though I know that it wasn't my fault. I struggle with the thought that the money that Daniel and I get because he died is what is making the home of my dreams a reality for me - but at the same time, I know that I am doing the right thing by making sure that we have a home that suits our needs in so many ways.

I think about my battle to avoid homelessness a few years ago, and can't wrap my head around the fact that very soon, we will be in a house with 6 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and more than enough room to meet our needs plus some.

Overwhelming doesn't even begin to describe it. Seriously, there are no words to describe how I'm feeling right now. I wish that I could explain it, and I will probably ramble on and on about it over the next few weeks as I try to work through all of it in my head. All I know is that right now, I'm caught somewhere between ecstatic and numb - and feeling maybe a little bit of both.

I never thought it would happen. Never.

You know, it's kind of funny. When I was kid, I loved to draw. Whenever I drew a house, it always looked the same - kind of like this...

I never claimed to be an artist.

Anyway, as The Dude and I have been out shopping for houses, we found one that we both like. A lot. And the funny thing is that it really kind of looks like the house that I always drew as a kid. Except it's straighter. And prettier. And has a front porch. And a hot tub. But I digress.....

We were shopping for houses with the knowledge that my credit wasn't quite where it needed to be yet. I've been working on it, but as anyone who has shoddy credit knows, it's a process. I have been working with an agency that has been busting their butts to get negative stuff removed for the past few months. We thought that I was where I needed to be a couple of months ago when my scores suddenly tanked. I was heartbroken. As it turned out, an old debt (to the tune of $3000+) that has been in collections for years - and that I have been faithfully making payments on for years - was sold to a new collection agency, who in turn started reporting it as new debt. It killed my credit.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago when I got a letter in the mail. It was from one of the credit reporting agencies. Nervously, I opened it. 

According to the letter, that particular negative piece of information was deleted from my credit report. Deleted. Thinking back to how much of a negative impact it had when it appeared, I wondered what kind of a positive impact it would have when it disappeared.

As the battle against this particular creditor was happening, I paid off my credit cards. I also paid off a couple of smaller debts with the agreement that those creditors would remove the negative information from my report. I also got the raise at work, and the Social Security that Daniel and I receive increased at the same time.

So on Friday, I was able to check my new and improved credit scores through an online deal that was set up by the credit-report-cleaner-upper-people (my official name for them). I already know that the numbers that I see are slightly higher than the official numbers, so when I saw on Friday that they were high enough, I anxiously contacted Mortgage Lady (also her official name). She was excited to hear the news, and we agreed to meet this morning.

Fast forward to about 2am today, when Daniel's official name changed to Sir Pukesalot. He kept that up for the rest of the night, but seemed to level out a bit. The Dude had planned to go and meet with Mortgage Lady with me, but because Daniel was so sick I emailed her and asked her to just pull my credit report without me and to call me, rather than run the risk of Daniel hurling in her office. The Dude came over and we waited by the phone. Finally she called.

It's official. My credit score is now high enough to qualify for a mortgage.

I started shaking and pacing around the house while I talked to her. I'm not officially pre-qualified for anything yet because there is still one account on my credit report that is showing as "in dispute" - so I have to contact all 3 agencies and tell them to remove that because nothing can happen while there is an active dispute. Minor detail, really. But qualifying for "our" house will not be an issue - and we can actually look at houses in a higher price range than I would have even thought possible.

I contacted the realtor who has been helping us, and "our" house is still on the market.

I am completely and totally overwhelmed right now. Just over 3 years ago, I was on the verge of being homeless. People were sending me money to try to help me save my old house, but it wasn't enough and it went into foreclosure and we were forced to move. We moved into this house only because I qualified for assistance at the time - but I had no idea how I was going to pay the rent when that assistance ended, which was only 3 months. Then my ex passed away and the Social Security started and through the emotional turmoil that followed, the bills started getting paid regularly. It was a horrible way to get the bills paid, but I did what I had to do with what I had - and it's led me to where I am today. Between the Social Security and the job - I will be able to own a house, and soon. 

Me. The same person who was days away from being homeless just 3 years ago - will be buying a house within the next few months.

It's crazy and mind boggling and overwhelming and exciting and scary and surreal, all at the same time. 

Now what?

It seems that I've done it again. Unintentionally.

Back in November, I got a wild hair and went off on a rant about judgmental people and food stamps and that post went INSANE. I'm still getting comments on that.

Then came the silly Tooth Fairy letter, which just caused everyone to go nuts (myself included).

Last night's post went kind of crazy. I kind of figured that it would, but I wasn't sure to what extent - and it really bypassed my expectations.

Those three things have caused the traffic on both this blog and my facebook page to grow exponentially. Fast. It took something like 20 months to get up to 3000 people on my facebook page, which averages out to about 150 people per month. In the past month or so alone, over 1200 people have 'liked' it.

What I'm getting at is that I'm not used to this. I've been a little bitty baby blog for a long time and I'm ok with that. I don't blog for numbers or money or fame and fortune. I started it on a whim and it's kind of taken off a bit more than I expected. So when things like this happen, I get a little bit overwhelmed. I like to compare it to the guitar player who loves playing little gigs at the local bar for a small group of people - and then is suddenly thrust into the spotlight center-stage at Madison Square Garden in front of a sold-out crowd. It's a little nerve-wracking.

It's fun, yes. But it's also scary. I know that people are going back and reading old posts to get to 'know' me. Some of my past posts were not taken so well, or were about very dark times in my life - and they sort of 'reappear' on my radar when people start reading them again. I've put so much of my life 'out there' and sometimes it's a little unnerving to have it examined by total strangers.

So why do I do it? I get that question a lot.

Like I've said before, it started on a whim. I never expected anyone to pay any attention. But the more time I put into it, the more people started to read it. I started connecting with people that I wouldn't have know otherwise, and people who were reading were connecting with each other. A nifty little group of people has come together because I started writing a blog.

And that's really pretty cool.

I never claimed to be an artist.

At the same time, it also leads to me wandering around the house looking a lot like this.

Ratty t-shirt, gigantic cup of coffee, and the purple bandana - check.

Deer In The Headlights look - check.

Questions flying through my mind at warp speed - check.

I'm always left thinking "Well, crap. Now what? What can I write about now that people will find interesting after I did THAT?"

So yeah. That's where I am right about now. Blogging about the fact that I have no idea what I should be blogging about today.

One thing that I can promise is this - it has been suggested numerous times that I start putting ads on my page because of the increased traffic. At this point in time, I have no desire to do that. None. I don't want sponsors. I don't want to follow someone else's rules and write about what THEY want. I'm going to continue doing things the way that I always  have, which means you'll get lots of random ramblings.

Because that's what I do.

It's a puzzle

This is what my brain feels like tonight.

I'm not sure what's going on with it. Maybe it's the fact that Christmas is over. Maybe it's the impending New Year. Maybe it's the full moon. Maybe it's a combination of a whole bunch of different things that are jumbled up in there.

All I know is that right now, my mind is going in eleventy bajillion different directions, and I can't seem to get it to slow down. I have so many things that I want to do in so many areas of my life, and I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed right now because all of those ideas are running around in a great big unorganized mess in my head.

Yes, I know I go through this every now and then. I think everyone does, whether they want to admit it or not.

It used to be that when I would get into these moods, I would either ignore them and drive myself nuttier than I already am, or I would just jump right into whatever crazy plan was rolling around in my head at that moment. Or worse yet, I would start all 87 plans that were in my head at the same time, and never finish any of them.

I'm going to do something different this time. I'm just going to let my brain go. I'm going to see what kind of crazy ideas develop. And I'm going to keep a notebook and a pen beside me and I'm going to write things down. And I'm going to figure out what it is that has me so restless right now. Maybe, just maybe, if I write everything down as it comes to me, I'll be able to get my thoughts organized. I'll be able to figure out what it is that I want to do vs. what I need to do. I can prioritize. And maybe I can actually feel like I can accomplish something instead of starting it and never getting it done.

I feel like so much is finally starting to fall into place in my life - I am so lucky and so blessed (that is a word that I don't toss around lightly, either) - maybe this is really the time for me to start focusing on some of the things that I want to do with my life. Maybe this is the time to start looking into how to turn my craft hobby into a legitimate business (one of the biggest things bouncing around in my head right now). Maybe this is the time to start looking for a part-time job to help supplement our income. Maybe this is the time to really start looking for a bigger house for us to move into in the next few months.

I'm not usually the type of person to do "resolutions" every year, but I'm starting to think that maybe this could be our year. I can finally say that I'm looking forward to the future instead of dreading it.

I'm ready to get the new year started.

Tired of being Mom

Yep, you read that right. I'm tired of being Mom.

This is something that's been rattling around in my head for a few days now. And I'm going to try to explain myself before everyone gets all cranky with me and misunderstands what I'm trying to say - because I know that I can't be the only one out there who feels like this.

It dawned on me today when I went to do a load of laundry. I walked into the cluttered disaster area of the laundry room, made my way to the washer, opened it up and grabbed a handful of wet stuff to toss into the dryer. I opened up the dryer door only to find it crammed full of dry stuff. I let loose with a too-loud expletive and went to find a basket to throw the dry stuff into so that I could get the wet stuff into the dryer so that I could wash what I actually wanted to wash.

Honestly, it was all kid clothes in the washer and dryer. And all I wanted to do was wash my stuff. Mine. My laundry, that's been piling up for days on end, because it seems like the kids' stuff always needs to be done first - either because the girls "need" something to wear (sometimes the need is legit, sometimes it's not) or one of the boys had an accident and it stinks or someone's out of underwear. Whatever the reason, the kids' stuff always gets done first.

But then again, the kid stuff always gets put first, doesn't it? Because that's what parents do.

Before I get farther into this, let me just preface all of this by saying that I love my kids. I love them with all of my heart and I wouldn't give them up for the world. Seriously. I might complain sometimes a lot but I do love them. And I know that this is the life that I chose when I became a single mother. I'm well aware of that fact, so you don't need to point that one out to me.

Now sit back and relax because I'm going to complain vent. A lot. Because I need to get it off of my chest.

I'm a soccer mom, but without the soccer. Instead I'm a volleyball mom, a basketball mom, and a Scout mom.

I'm the cleaning mom, the laundry mom, the fix-it-when-it-breaks mom.

I'm the grocery shopping mom.

I'm the run-it-to-school-because-it-was-forgotten-and-it's-needed mom.

I'm the mom who attends every single one of the kids' functions, big or small.

I'm the mom who mops the floor multiple times every day just to keep from sticking to it.

I'm the late-night-mending-because-we-ripped-it-but-need-it-tomorrow mom.

I'm the mom who stays up entirely too late to get things done, and then gets up entirely too early to get it all finished because there just simply aren't enough hours in the day for me to get it all done.

I'm the sicker-than-a-dog mom who still has to get out of bed and do what needs to be done around this house, whether I've had any sleep or not.

There are times when it is just completely and totally overwhelming. And there are times when I know that if I don't do something - anything - for myself, I'm going to lose it. I've been so busy being Mom that I've forgotten what it's like to be Me.

So...I've been thinking....(I know, scary thought)...

I need to start doing things for myself. No, I'm not going to blow off the stuff that needs to be done for the kids, because realistically, if I did that, who would pick up the slack? It would just create more work for me in the long run - and that's what's gotten me to this point.

I was going to come up with a bucket list, but I need to do things NOW. Not just before I die, but NOW. I got to thinking that my birthday is in a few months, so maybe I could come up with 42 things to do before I turn 42 - but as I started making the list, I honestly couldn't come up with 42 things that didn't somehow involve doing things for the kids. And I'm being selfish here - these are things that I want to do for ME. Me and me only.

And with Daniel starting school full-time in 2 weeks, I'll actually have more time to myself to do some of these things. Some are silly, some are serious, but they are all things that I want to do.

1. Run a 5K. Not walk 3/4 of it. Run it. Or at least jog it.
2. Get to the point that I can go out and at least walk 13.1 miles (a half-marathon) a couple of times a month.
3. Go on a date with The Dude. Alone. With no kids. Just me and him - out somewhere, in public, together. We don't get to do that nearly enough.
4. Get a manicure. Not a do-it-myselfer. A real one.
5. Read a book. From start to finish.
6. Cook a meal - for me. Whatever I want with no complaints from anyone else.
7. Go bowling. I haven't gone in years, and I miss it. (Maybe combine with #3?)
8. Actually finish one of the many quilts that I have started.
9. Volunteer at the homeless shelter.
10. Actually take one of the quilt designs in my head, put it on paper, and then make it. And finish it.
11. Save enough money to get a new digital camera so that I don't have to use my crappy phone for all of my pictures.
12. Lose 25 more pounds.
13. Get new sneakers. That's going to have to happen within the next couple of weeks. No choice there.
14. Make a charity quilt. That's actually started - but I need to finish it.
15. Go hang out at the coffee shop once in a while, just to get out of the house.
16. Get the bikes fixed, and go for a bike ride. That one will necessitate getting past some fear, but I want to do it.
17. Get my kitchen chairs fixed. I keep putting it off, but it needs to be done. I want it to be done.
18. Go through all of my clothes and donate what I don't wear or need.
19. Get out and walk/jog at least 3 times per week - regardless of the weather or how crappy I feel.
20. Find and try at least one new recipe every week - whether the kids like it or not.
21. Start cooking ahead and freezing meals - if for no other reason than to reduce my stress.
22. Make the apron that I've designed and redesigned in my head at least a dozen times now.
23. Actually buy, fill out, and send Christmas cards this year.
24. Use the weights and exercise CDs that I have sitting around collecting dust.
25. Learn how to knit. Or crochet. Or maybe both.
26. Start making my own laundry detergent again. I've gotten lazy.
27. Organize the garage - because it really needs to be done.

That's a good start at least. And there are 118 days until my birthday. I wonder how many of these I can get done by then.....

The most amazing friends in the world

If you are a fan on my facebook page, then you might have seen a post from me yesterday that said this:

I know that some of you live in the greater Wichita area even though I don't know you personally, so I'm going to post this here too. If you can help in any way, please let me know.....

I NEED YOUR HELP!!! I just got a call from a friend, and she is getting custody of her cousin's 3 kids. All boys, ages 4 months, 18 months, and 3 years. They have NOTHING. Her own son is 14, so she has no baby stuff. She is getting beds, but she needs pretty much everything else - crib sheets, blankets, clothes, toys, bottles, sippy cups, baby gates, outlet covers, potty chair/seat - you name it, she probably needs it. I am going to go through my boys' clothes and see what I can come up with, but if anyone has anything else that I can get THIS WEEK please let me know - I need it by Friday.

I posted the same thing on my personal page, as did The Dude, his mother, and a friend of his. I wasn't sure what kind of a response that I'd get, because I know that times are tough right now. I hoped to be able to pick up a few odds and ends for her so that she wouldn't have to be quite so stressed with the transition of getting 3 new babies all at once.

Before I knew it, offers started rolling in - almost faster than I could respond. Friends, friends of friends, even people that I had never met before started posting comments telling me what they had. I started gathering addresses and making plans, and this evening The Dude and I (and Daniel and Alex) went into Wichita and went from one side of the city to the other. All in all, we made 6 separate stops gathering donations.

To put this in perspective: Two of these people were my friends - women who I have met before, been to their houses before....I *know* them. Three of the women are members of a group that I am in - of those three, I had met one briefly before, but I never met the other two until this evening. The last one was a long-time friend of The Dude's, but I had never met this couple.

Out of all of these people, none of them have met my friend. They have no idea who she is. They took the time out of their busy schedules to go through and pack up items that they no longer needed in order to give them to a total stranger.

This....this is what we came home with tonight:

We. aren't. done. yet.

There is more. More offers are pouring in - even now, as I type this. I have another friend from church who is bringing stuff here on Thursday. My neighbor heard what was going on and he added in the big blue bag that is just clothes. More people are willing to help.

I am so incredibly grateful right now, and even a touch overwhelmed. The generosity of strangers is completely and utterly amazing, and I can't thank these people enough for their kindness. Being able to help her like this means everything in the world to me. As I sit here and think back in the not-so-distant past, I remember the generosity of friends and strangers that helped me to get through some of the darkest times in my life, and I feel so blessed to be able to help her when she needs it.

I am amazed. Grateful. Thankful. Overwhelmed. Humbled.

To everyone who has helped, or still wants to help:

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all are amazing.