It's been a while...

I've been seriously neglecting this old blog of mine, and it's really been bothering me lately. But the thing is, when I think of something that I want to say I usually just spout it off in a long-winded facebook post instead of taking the time to sit down and actually write about it.

I'm hoping to change that. But like anything else, I have to make time for it to happen.

I asked for suggestions as to write about the other night, and my running seemed to be a pretty common theme - which is interesting considering that the last time I blogged anything, it was about running.

I generally don't think of my running as anything special. It's something that I started doing maybe 7 years ago, and mainly because I had people tell me that I was too fat and lazy to ever do it (no, those people are not in my life anymore). I didn't really take it seriously until about the last 2-3 years or so - and now it's something that is more important to me than I ever realized it could be.

Back in 2011, when I was just starting to get into running, I did my first half-marathon. I walked most of it, but I did it. And later that summer, I looked something like this.....

This picture actually just surfaced. The kids and I had gone on TMOART:11 (back before The Dude existed) and one of them snapped this picture of me coming down the steps from the Gateway Arch in St. Louis. They were using disposable cameras, and we just got them developed the other day - so seeing this picture was a shock.

Even though I've seen numerous pictures of me in a less than stellar light, my size still shocks me at times. I never really thought that I had gained that much weight, but I had.

I don't talk about my depression much (if ever) but if I'm being totally honest, my weight gain was a direct result of it. The stress of two failed marriages, being a single mother of 5 kids, and not having any clue how I was going to pay my bills got to me. I didn't do anything to stay active, and as anyone who has ever been poor knows - crappy food is way cheaper than healthy stuff. So I ate the cheap crap and tried to feed my kids the better stuff.

Eventually, the funk started to lift. I started walking more. And then I started running a little bit. I'd walk a block, then run a block, walk a block, run a block. And then I'd walk a block and run two blocks, then three, then four. Soon, I was running more than I was walking, but I still wasn't picking up speed. But eventually, I got to the point that I started getting faster.

And then I started really enjoying the races. The adrenaline rush is like no other. And the running community is fantastic - it doesn't matter if you're the first runner or the last walker to cross the line - someone will be there waiting for you and cheering for you as you cross the finish.

One of my favorite things about running is that it doesn't have to cost a fortune. When I started, I wore my normal shorts and tshirts and cheap running shoes. I used a free app on my phone to track my distance (RunKeeper - and I still use it to this day) and I didn't even have anything to play music. I just ran.

As time went on and I started getting more into it, I did buy some specific clothes - mostly tights and compression shorts because face it  - unless you have a thigh gap, chafing is real. And it hurts. And it makes you walk funny for days until it heals. (FYI - diaper rash ointment helps. You're welcome.)

Good shoes were my next major purchase - but it still took me a while to work up the guts to pay more than $50 for a pair of sneakers. So far my favorite pair is my current pair - the Brooks Ghosts that I bought after running the Nebraska State Fair Half Marathon last fall. But I know that I'm going to need to replace them soon, and the cost of a new pair scares me. Because I'm cheap.

I did splurge this year and I bought a membership to the Y. I didn't really want to spend the money, but with the crazy Kansas weather, I need a way to train indoors. The kids can go with me and they can swim or shoot hoops or play ping pong or do whatever they want to do to keep themselves amused while I pound out some miles on the treadmill or the elliptical or whatever other torture device I decide to use that day. Emily and I have a goal right now to run every day - even if it's just a mile - and so far we've been able to stick to it (and I have this nifty calendar on my bedroom wall to track my progress toward that goal).

As of right now, I think I'm only signed up for 3 races this year - both of the Prairie Fire Half Marathons in Wichita (one in April and one in October) because those are my traditional races that I will always always do until I can't do them anymore, and the Stupid Cupid 2 mile run in Wichita that is in just a few weeks. I haven't signed up for any more yet because, let's face it - the races get expensive. There are several more that I plan to do, but they haven't opened up registration yet so I have to wait and see what happens financially between now and then.

I'm trying to work up the guts to do a full marathon, but I'm just not there yet.....

For the last couple of months of 2016, I all but gave up on running. I slipped into a downward spiral, and I struggled a lot more than I'd like to admit. I didn't do much of anything unless I had to do it for survival and I gained a bunch of weight back. It took a lot of soul-searching and willpower and sheer stubbornness to get me back out there again to do a run on New Year's Eve, but I did it. I think Emily and I did a mile. And then we set our goal to run daily. There have been days when she's had to almost literally drag me out of bed to go, but we've gone. And if she's over at her father's house she runs over there and I run here and we compare notes. Now there is a challenge going on here in our town and I'm participating in that - and so my competitive side is coming out and I'm starting to really enjoy it again. And thankfully the scale is starting to show it too.

I think that the thing that amazes me the most is that at several points in my life, I had people telling me that I was too fat and lazy to ever run - and now people tell me that I have inspired them to run.

It's really kind of surreal.

Bloggy Stuff

I got an email a few days ago, and the more I think about it, the more I want to talk about it.

It included phrases like "revolutionary video summit", "video event", "active community", and "win-win with our existing community". I usually ignore these emails because my life is chaotic enough without having to schedule stuff around my blog, but this one was so happy and upbeat that I thought "oh, what the heck" and I emailed her back and said ok, tell me more.

I got an email back a little while later telling me what I'd need to do to participate in this "revolutionary video summit" as a so-called expert (an expert on what? I don't know.) and there was a list of requirements. A pre-recorded interview. Sending out some emails. Sending out a newsletter. Oh, and did we mention that you have to have at least 5000 people in your email database, but that doesn't count anything that you do on social media?

At this point (after I got done laughing) I sent her an email back saying that while I appreciated the opportunity I would have to pass, as I don't have an email database and everything that I do is on social media. What I didn't say was that even if I did have an email database, the last thing that I'd want to do is spam 5000+ people to beg them to watch me on video. No one wants to see that shiz.

When I started this blog, it was at the urging of one of my friends who at that point said something to the effect of "I bet you could have at least 30 people following you!" - I never expected it to get this far. But thanks to that silly letter, it's gotten way bigger than I anticipated.

In the early days, I went out looking for people to read my stuff. I promoted myself in so many ways that it was downright exhausting. I celebrated each milestone and did everything that I could to get to the next one. The blog that I wrote about food stamps put me on the map, and then the Tooth Fairy blew it out of the water.

The Tooth Fairy letter has been stolen and reposted without being credited back to my page approximately eleventy and a half bajillion times now, and people criticize me for pointing out that it came from my page and asking to be credited for it. "If you don't want the numbers, why do you insist on pointing out that it's yours, you big fat hypocrite?" Well, to be honest, I don't want the numbers - but at the same time I believe in this little thing called intellectual property, and if something isn't your creation, then don't post it as if it is. If the whole Tooth Fairy letter debacle has done anything, it's proven just how fast something can be stolen and spread out of control.

So why am I blogging about how I don't care about how many people read my blog?

Because sometimes I need to remind myself why I even started this thing in the first place. Because when it started, it was just a place to express myself, whether it was to journal about things that we had done that day, to rant about something that pissed me off, to express my feelings over a difficult situation, or to post a dumb picture or story that I felt like sharing. There was no purpose, no rhyme or reason. It was for me, and for whoever decided that they wanted to read it. Period.

Then I started to get worried about what people would think. And so I'd censor myself. I wouldn't write about a certain topic because it might offend someone. Or I wouldn't ramble on about my day because no one would really care about it anyway. But then I went back and I read some of my older posts - posts where I just rambled about the normal day-to-day crap in our lives - and I realized that while it might not be interesting to other people, it was fun for me to go back and read it and remember things.....which is why I started this in the first place. So while I can't guarantee that I'll blog about something fun and exciting every single day, I'm going to make much more of an effort to blog something more regularly.

I mean seriously - I have some fun and exciting stuff (to me, anyway) going on in my life. Between shenanigans with The Dude and/or the kids, getting Mom Cave Designs up and running as a legitimate business, getting myself up and running in a bunch of races, and just life in general - my mind goes a million miles an hour. It's time to stop worrying about what people think and actually put some of these thoughts down in writing so that I can look back at them later.

And if people don't like it, screw 'em.

Random moon photo by Emily, taken when she
snatched my phone while on the way to town
to pick up pizzas and movies.

Randomness.

Just because. I'm in the mood to write, but I can't get my mind to go in one direction, so you're getting random thoughts. I want to get back into the habit of writing regularly, but I'm having issues with it....

So apparently it's Wine Day or something. Like I need an excuse.

OK, that makes me sound like a lush, and I'm really not - but I like wine. And there are days when I'd like nothing better than to kick back with a bottle and just relax and get over the day.

Today is one of those days. So I'm partaking. And I'll hate myself in a few hours when the alarm goes off, but whatever.

I didn't have a good time at the gym this morning. Not that any time spent on the treadmill is necessarily a good time, but today really sucked. I fully intended to do 3-4 miles when I got there and after 2 miles I hit the 'stop' button and quit. I just couldn't do it. But on the flip side, my sole sis and I have really kind of pushed it this week and we're tired. So tomorrow is officially a rest day - at least from running. Not like I'll actually rest....

I haven't been writing. I miss it. I have tons of things that I want to write about, but I have a million reasons excuses why I haven't written lately. The ridiculous Tooth Fairy Letter made a ridiculous comeback and as usual, the haters came out of the woodwork to remind me yet again what a horrible mother I am. And yeah, as much as I try not to let it get to me the comments still sting a bit. There were a few that really got under my skin, and I might address them at some point. Or not. Haven't decided on that one yet.

Things with Mom Cave Designs have been gaining speed. That's a good thing. Getting weighted blankets out to people that need them has been amazing and enlightening and overwhelming and eye-opening, among other things. I love that I'm able to do it. I really do. I have ideas and plans and all sorts of fun stuff in my head but I just haven't had time to put them into action yet. I need an assistant. An assistant with deep pockets would be great, but for now I'd just take any old assistant.

The weather right now is awesome here in the middle of the country. I'll take shorts and bare feet in February and not complain about it.

Life is good. Life is really good. There are so many things going on right now and I can't even begin to explain all of them. For real.

And finally, cancer sucks. Seriously. Cancer sucks ass. I'm sick and tired of it taking the good guys. Just for once, I'd like to see it take one of the assholes - but no. Not today. Today, it took one of the good guys. He was an acquaintance, a facebook friend, a fellow alumni from my high school - not a "friend" per se, but still.....it sucks. RIP, Dave.

And with that.....I'm done for tonight. I'm going to try to write on a more semi-regular basis again.......but "try" is the operative word here. Life is crazy. We'll see what happens.

Resolutions and stuff

Yeah, I'm one of those people this year.

I don't always make resolutions, but this year I am. And really, they're not new. But I have a renewed determination to follow them.

Lose weight. Get in shape. Those are the no-brainers in this case. And thanks to a 1000-Mile running challenge, I should be able to do that (and if you want to join, and you click on that link to do it, I get credit for free stuff...and free stuff is awesome) and train for the next few races at the same time.

And I've gotten some fun gizmos to help, like this awesome calendar from a friend, and an activity tracker thingambob from The Dude, and some hand weights to use while running. Plus, my "sole sis" is doing her evil best to keep me motivated (actually we torture each other, but that's ok). We've been slacking for the past couple of weeks because of the holidays and the craptastic weather, but we'll get back to it. We always do.

I totally bombed at the whole attempt to lose 25 pounds by my birthday thing, but I think I'm in a better head space to do it now.  New year, new start, right?

Then there's the whole business thing. I'm determined to actually turn Mom Cave Designs into a legitimate business, and not just a hobby that makes me a little bit of extra money. I have no idea how to do it, but I've been looking into taking some business classes and figuring out what I need to do in order to make this happen. The orders that I've been getting have been keeping me busy, and it's been awesome. I love being able to do this - especially getting the weighted blankets out to people who need them, and adding new items to my Etsy shop is always fun.

Write more. I constantly have things that I want to write about pop into my head. And then I get distracted and I don't do it. Or I lose my nerve and decide not to put whatever it is "out there". I've always been very selective about the things that I write about, and I plan to continue that. But at the same time I'm going to try to stop worrying about making someone mad with the things that I want to say.

Those are the main things that I am focusing on this  year. And hopefully, with the support of my friends and family and all of the people who are crazy enough to keep reading what I spew online, I'll be able to make it all happen. Only time will tell.

Happy New Year, people!

EMILY HAS SOMETHING TO SAY.

This is Emily, or as many of you know, "My dearest Emily." Yes, I'm talking about that stupid Tooth Fairy Letter. I sure have a lot to say about this, so brace yourself and get ready to read it all.

Now, this letter was written to me when I was eleven years old. Eleven!! I wasn't six. I hate to break it to everyone, but, I no longer believed in the Tooth Fairy. I had stopped believing in the Tooth Fairy around age seven, having an older sister, this was reasonable.

When I woke up the morning of the letter arrival, it was taped to our bedroom mirror, a place we were bound to find it. I got out of bed, walked over to the mirror, read the letter, tore it off, and put it on a shelf that was close to my door. I didn't talk to Mom about the letter until I had woken up a little more and had eaten breakfast. I went back into my room and grabbed the letter. Laughing at how incredibly dumb the letter seemed for an eleven year old, I took the letter out into the living room and showed it to Mom.

"Really Mom?" I said, obviously not impressed with the now infamous Tooth Fairy letter.

All she said was, "Gonna clean your room?"

"Maybe," I say, walking into my room, wondering where to start on the disaster we called a bedroom. After many, many hours of cleaning a room, basketball practice, and many other distractions, the room was cleaned. That night, I went to bed, like any normal eleven year old would. The next morning, I did have a dollar under my pillow. We went on with life just like before.

Until, one day, a few months after the disaster bedroom incident, Mom was on her computer and I walked over to her and said in these exact words, "Hey Mom, I know you made that Tooth Fairy Letter famous."

I'm pretty sure she almost fainted. In case anyone is wondering how I know about everything, I will admit, I was a nosy person. Being eleven, I had a fascination with anything and everything Mom was doing on the computer. I would look over her shoulder and on more than one occasion, the Letter would pop up. I would read just enough of it to know what was going on with it, until Mom would go to a different website or tab or whatever. I had known about the letter going viral for probably a month or so. I never did tell anyone though, because that would mean admitting my nosiness.

Mom asked me how much I knew. And I told her. I didn't know very much at the time, just enough to know what was happening. She showed me some of the blogs, posts, comments (rude, funny, nice, everything), and some different websites where the Letter was featured. I read all about it for close to an hour, getting the full story.

And I was shocked. The comments!! "This is emotional violence," "She will need therapy after this," "You are a horrible parent," "You are f***ing up her childhood." Really!?!? In case you guys can't tell, I thought this letter was a dumb, but working, way to get me to clean my room. I didn't need therapy, but I think I should after reading all those comments.

Everyone listen up, the Letter was stupid. It wasn't "emotional violence." It was ridiculous. I thought it was funny, but half the country thinks Mom is evil, abusive, cold, manipulative, lazy, etc. If you ask me, she is definitely the opposite of everything on that list. 

Since the initial blow up of The Tooth Fairy Letter, I've followed along with Mom and have laughed with her at all of the people who think that I am needing therapy now for "such a ruined childhood."

Judging by this blog post, I think I turned out alright. I am not emotionally scarred. I am perfectly happy. 

Thank you for reading!!!

-Emily

Haters gonna' hate....

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this whole blog thing lately.

I know I haven't been writing as much recently, but that's mainly just been because I've been so busy that it's been hard to sit down and take the time to actually write something. It's way faster to just slap something up on facebook instead. But there are times when actually sitting here and writing a blog post helps me to get things off of my mind.

So here I am.

I don't really pay attention to my numbers anymore. There are some bloggers out there who focus on how many followers they have (or lose), how many people view each and every post, and they make it all about the numbers. It's a game. They intentionally post something to stir the pot or to increase their numbers - and that's ok. It really is. More power to them and all that jazz.

I'm not saying that I don't look at my numbers at all, but I don't stress about them. They are what they are - sometimes they go up (and I start to hyperventilate) and sometimes they go down. Sometimes they stay the same for weeks or months at a time. Whatever.

I've had one thing go viral (gee, guess what that was?) and a few things get more hits than others (food stamps, anyone?) and honestly, the chaos surrounding stuff like that is way too much pressure for me. I don't really like it. There are times - more often than not - that I really wish that silly Tooth Fairy letter would just disappear.

Earlier this evening, I posted one of my time-lapse videos of me cleaning my kitchen. And I captioned it "It's been a while since I've done one of these." These videos are fun to do, and they help me to stay focused on whatever it is that I'm doing (usually cleaning). And I post them because they're fun. But I've gotten a couple of comments from a couple of people who have been less than impressed with them. They said things to the effect of "how could you let your house get so dirty?" or "I would never leave that much crap on my counters" or "your kids should be cleaning that mess" or whatever. And for some reason, I allowed those comments to bother me and I quit posting the videos for a bit.

Why do I post videos that show just how trashed my house can actually get? Because it's life. It's my life. My house gets messy. It gets dirty. There are times when it gets downright disgusting and I can't even stand it. But it's real, and it happens, and I deal with it. Sometimes the kids help (if they're home and not busy with something else) and sometimes they don't. Sometimes I enjoy cleaning by myself. Often, they're cleaning their rooms while I'm taking care of the kitchen or living room or whatever. But regardless of the reasons behind the mess and who is cleaning it, it's all a part of life.

People in the past have suggested that I should write a book, but that's really just not my thing. This blog and my facebook page are how I choose to document my life - the good, the bad, and the messy. I continue to share it with all of you because it's created a neat little community and the interaction is (mostly) fun. The criticism makes me look at things differently and decide if I need to change something. But at the end of the day, I'm going to write about and post things that I find interesting, or that I want to remember, or that I think someone else might be interested in seeing. There will always be someone who disagrees, and that's ok. The world would be a very boring place if everyone agreed with everyone all of the time.

The haters can keep on hating. And while they do, I'm going to go clean up my messy bedroom.

Keyboard Warriors

So last night, that silly Tooth Fairy letter resurfaced in a really big way. A page on facebook with almost 4 million fans posted it, but of course - without the backstory. Without a link back to my page or my blog. Without my permission.

It happens all the time. All the time. I should be used to it by now, and for the most part I do ignore it. I'll read a few comments, throw the link to my blog up there, and let it go.

This time was different. This time, the comments were mean. Hateful. Judgmental. Way worse than usual. Sure, there were a few positive ones, but they were quickly buried under the ones touting my inept parenting skills.

Of course, since the letter wasn't credited to me, people didn't know who they were insulting. They sat there behind their keyboards, casting stones at someone who wrote a letter to an 11 year old girl as a joke. Even after they read the blog post, they continued.

Emotional violence. She should be ashamed. What a horrible mother. That woman doesn't even deserve to have her kids. She should take parenting classes.

The ones that hurt the most were the ones who insinuated that I was a horrible person for raising my kids in a broken home:

(This thread of comments on the post has since been deleted. I think.)

Broken home. No father figure.

The last thing that I ever wanted was for my family to not be "normal" with a mother and father and kids. I never planned to get divorced, and certainly didn't plan to do it twice. I fought like hell to keep it together, to keep it from being broken, and so I stayed.

But staying wasn't worth it. Staying wasn't safe, for me or for the kids. We had to get out. I had to "break" our home in order to keep them safe. I had to get them away from the violence.

Yes, we lived in an "icky" house for 3 1/2 years. But that icky house meant more to me than just about any other place we've lived. I learned more about myself in that house than ever before.

I know that the hate and the judgment and the Mommy Wars will never stop. As long as there is an internet, there will be keyboard warriors who get their panties in a wad and think that they are better than everyone else and believe that they are entitled to pass judgment on other people without knowing the background. It's never going to stop.

I tell my kids all the time - you can't stop other people from being jerks, but you can certainly control your own reaction to it.

Same thing applies to adults. Don't feed into the anger or the hate or the judgment - it's not worth it.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of the same thing.

Why do I push?

I spent pretty much the entire day outside cutting firewood and cleaning up the corner of the yard and the firepit area. The general firewood area has needed to be cleaned up for a while, but the firepit area really needed it after I tore down the fence the other day - since I just chucked all of the old fence over the remaining fence into that area rather than dragging it all the way around and into the gate.

I got to work early this morning and started knocking stuff out fairly quickly. But as time went on, I started to get tired. After tearing part of the fence down two days ago, and tearing the old gate down yesterday, my body was just tired.

I stopped occasionally to catch my breath and move into the shade, and I'd occasionally check the notifications on my phone. There were a couple of notifications on the pictures that I had posted of the work that I've done, and there were some comments that were complimenting me on what I've accomplished.

In typical brain dump fashion, my thoughts started to go in a few different directions. I started thinking about different reactions that I've gotten to various accomplishments that I've posted about in the past. Everything from variations of "good job" to "you've inspired me because...." Those thoughts made me start thinking about why I post these kind of things.

It's not for attention. It's not for the virtual pats on the back. It's not to brag or to show off or to gloat or anything like that. Honestly, it's not for me at all.

Every now and then, I get a message from someone who says "I've felt so hopeless because of my situation, but then I see what you can accomplish and I know that you've been in my shoes and so if you can do it, so can I".

That is why I do it. That is why I post the things that I do.

For the person who has hit rock bottom and doesn't know it it's possible to get back up again.

For the person who is so broke that pennies found on the ground are hoarded like gold coins.

For the person who has gotten smacked around by an alcoholic partner one too many times.

For the person who battles depression and struggles to get out of bed and function.

For the person whose kids have said "I don't like you right now, so I'm moving out for a while."

For the person who is struggling in any way.

If by some chance, someone is inspired by the things that I do and post, then that is all that I need. That makes all of this work - and blogging about it - worth it. And it gives me a reason to get the work done - the inspiration that people get from looking at my work inspires me to do even more.

Pay it forward, one positive thought at a time.

If I can do it, anyone can.

You asked.....

Just in case you don't follow me on facebook, every now and then I ask people on there to ask me questions, and then I answer them in a blog post. I did that tonight, and this is what they asked me:

Michael asked: why are you so damn awesome? 

Ha. I'm not. The people who read this blog - they are the awesome ones. I just blab and ramble about my normal life, which is totally NOT awesome, but the interactions with the people who read it are what make it all worth it. THEY are the awesome ones, not me.

Erica asked: How do you feel about the tooth fairy letters fame? (I love it btw and will totally use it with my kiddos) 

Honestly, I hate it. I seriously wrote that thing in about 30 seconds and never expected anything to come of it, but it did. And it keeps resurfacing. And I keep getting bashed for it, even though Emily thought that it was funny. But, it is what it is and I can't change it now. So when I see it posted somewhere, I link my blog posts about it in the comments and just let it go - I honestly try not to follow it because more times than not, I'm getting bashed for my parenting skills over one piece of paper floating around the internet.

Michelle asked: Are you freaking out about Monday? I have faith 

Yes and no. I honestly think that the thing that I'm the most worried about is that The Dude is taking on so much responsibility with my kids. The job scares me, yes. The hours scare me, yes. But I know that this is going to be such a huge change for my family, and that scares me more than anything. However, this has come at the most perfect time, and too many things are falling into place at the right time so I can't ignore them. I have to go for it.

Jennifer asked: What are some of the worst things you've seen at work? I want details! (well, not too many details.. but, ya know)

I honestly think that the bare crotch coming through the drive-thru was the worst. Seriously, I can't get that one out of my head. Cover yourselves, people!

Lavinia asked: why is life more complicated than it has to be?

That, my friend, is the million dollar question. But at the same time, I think that people tend to make things more difficult than they need to be. Life is life - whatever is going to happen is going to happen,  and most of the time there is nothing that we can do to change it. Roll with the punches, don't worry about what might happen and deal with it as it comes. One day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes one second at a time - do what needs to be done to get through the moment, and then deal with the rest as it happens.

Bianca asked: Favourite movies? Two categories: with the kids, just you (or you'n'The Dude). 

For me alone, I can watch just about anything except for sci-fi/fantasy types. I'm a sucker for a good horror flick (yes, even alone) but I also love the typical "chick flicks", dramas, comedies, whatever. When it's me and The Dude, we tend to watch more zombie movies (his choice, but I deal with it) or whatever looks good. He's awesome though, and will willingly sit through a chick flick if that's what I'm in the mood to watch.

Heather asked: How do you manage to do all that you do on so little sleep?!? Because I am cranky butthole without it!!!

At this point in my life, it's just become normal for me. Ever since I split from Ex1 almost 9 years ago, I've lived on very little sleep. Right after we separated, I was working full-time plus a part-time job, and I just got used to it. I run so much during the day and evening that the only time that I have time for myself is at night after the kids go to bed. I know that it's not the best situation for me, so when I finally crash and sleep for 12+ hours at a time, I don't fight it much. Caffeine is my friend.

Maria asked: With how long you an the dude have been together do you think marriage is a possability ever?

We have officially been together for just over 20 months (wait, how did THAT happen?) and while I can easily see spending the rest of my life with him, I just can't see myself getting married again. I did that twice, and I got burned - badly - both times. I know that he's different, but at this point, no, I can't see myself married again. For me, emotionally, it's too big of a risk, and yes, I'm a wuss when it comes to that - and I freely admit it. I love him with all my heart - no doubt about it - but I don't want to get married.

And actually, I had to go digging but there are posts here and here that go into way more detail about that. Check those out if you haven't before.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So that's that for tonight. I haven't looked back at my page in the past few minutes, so if there are more questions, I will answer them on a different night.

Questions and answers

Every now and then, when I can't come up with anything to write about, I ask the people on my facebook page to ask me questions so that I can answer them in a blog post. We did that tonight, and here are the questions....and answers!

Wendi asked: Any advice for a mom and daughter who are going to do their first 5k?

Resting after a 5K is always important.
Just ask Emily.

Coming from someone who runs jogs occasionally gets out and walks as a hobby and not seriously, the best advice that I can give is to just get out there and do it. Don't worry about your speed or your pace or anything like that - get out there and have fun. Of course, you should train beforehand, but you have to do what works for you. There are lots of great websites and apps that can give you pointers, but for me, I found that the best thing to do was to get out and walk/jog as much as I could in the months/weeks leading up to a race. I tried to steadily increase my distance but haven't really worked on speed yet. Hopefully when life calms down a bit I can get out there and do it again.

Shannon asked: Do you watch any reality tv, like The Voice?

Honestly, I don't watch any TV. Shocking, huh? But, I don't have cable (another bill from my past life that needs to be paid off but it's not a priority) and although I have a converter box to get the local stations, it died. So I have a TV that is useless, other than for DVDs. I don't even watch anything online because my internet connection isn't good enough - and honestly, I don't miss it. Once The Dude and I get moved into our new place, we will have cable though - and really at that point the only shows that I plan to watch regularly again are Parenthood and The Biggest Loser.

I did watch the first(?) season of The Voice, and I really liked it!

Sherrie asked: What compelled you to blog? Do you regret it?

See that picture of my boots up there at the top of the page? A couple of years ago, I had posted that picture on my personal facebook with a caption that said something like "oh, my old ugly boots, how I missed you!" because it had just gotten cold and I had dug them out of the closet, and I love those boots. Anyway, my friend Kat over at High Heeled Country commented and said "you should start a blog!" Discussion ensued, and I was convinced to do it. I believe someone actually said "I bet you could get 30 followers in no time!"

As for regretting it, the only thing that I really regret is not staying totally anonymous. There are many more things in my life that I could write about, but without anonymity I won't do it. And because this has gotten so much bigger than I had ever planned, I do try very hard to keep some things private - like our last names and specific information about where we're located. I don't ever want my kids to be embarrassed by anything that I've ever written.

Brandon asked: If you were a woodchuck and were able to chuck wood, how much wood would you chuck? On average, of course...

Enough to build a dream house for me, The Dude, his mom, and all of the kids.

Bianca asked: You share so much already!! Ok. If you could go anywhere on vacation, with no worries about cashola or the logistics, where would you go and, if you don't mind sharing, why? 

Right now, that's an easy question to answer. I would without a doubt head back east to Pennsylvania to see family and friends, take the kids back to DC (for more than a few hours this time), and visit our friends in Virginia again. My parents can't really make the trip out here anymore due to their age and health so it's up to use to get out there to see them. We make an almost-annual trip to do that and had planned to do it this year for a family reunion and high school (not a) reunion, but finances won't allow it. We have to focus on moving instead. Sometimes being a grown-up stinks.

Pam asked:How awful or not as bad as one would think is working where you do?

It's both. Since it's fast food, when we're busy, we're busy. Today, I ran my butt off from 6:30am until 2:15pm without a moment to breathe. People are cranky, coworkers snap at each other, and there are times when I have to do so many dishes that I could be buried under the pile of them and no one would notice. But, at the same time, the vast majority of my coworkers are really cool (even if I have clothes older than some of them), most of the customers are decent, and when I'm on drive-thru first thing in the morning I get to see some amazing sunrises. And occasionally half-naked people. Or men in dresses.

Bruce asked: If they made a movie about your life...what actress would play you?

Oh, that's a good one. I think most of them are too glitzy for me.....but if I had to choose I'd have to say Sandra Bullock. She's one of my favorites and she just seems so down-to-earth and easy-going.

Gayle asked: What kind of work do you do?

In a nutshell, it's fast food. I can't say which one (not that I would anyway) but while I'm there I mainly run register, prep all of the food for the grill on the mornings when I open, clean the dining room, and do lots and lots of dishes. It started out as just a few hours here and there while the kids were in school, but it's kind of fun...... on the good days. So I work when I can, without taking too much time away from the kids.

Suni asked: How do you manage I stay sane, or semi sane with how you busy you are?

Ha! Sane?? You call this sane???? OK, seriously..... I don't know. This crazy life is just normal to me. I live by my datebook, which keeps me somewhat organized but for the most part it's just what I'm used to at this point. When I don't have anything to do, I go insane with boredom! Playing around online and blogging is a great stress reliever for me, as well as sewing and doing crafty stuff, so I have my outlets when things get to be too much.

Judgmental people suck

Yep. I'm about to take off on a rant here.

Just over a year ago, I wrote a post about judgmental people and what I thought about them. There have been so many things that have come up in my life in the past week or so and they've really just been kind of eating at me. I told The Dude tonight that I didn't think that there would ever come a time that I would need to blog, but right now, I need to do it. I need to get this crap out of my head.

I'm going to warn you right now....I'm currently typing this at about eleventy bajillion words per minute - literally just spewing it out to get it out of my head and try to make some sense of it. So if it doesn't make sense, well, I don't know what to tell you.

About a week and a half ago or so, I wrote the post on my thoughts on marriage and how I believe that everyone should have that right. I am very happy to say that 100% of the comments on both the blog post and on my facebook page were positive - and I really expected to get some negative backlash from that one. So that made me happy. Even when I changed the cover photo on my facebook page, no one said anything negative. And for that, y'all rock.

I changed my profile photo on my personal profile too, and most of the response that I got was positive. I got involved in a few discussions, but didn't really get into any arguments about it and for that I was thankful. I was saddened to see a few closed-minded people continue to use the "Bible argument" and try to force their own religion onto others despite that whole 'freedom of religion' thing in this country, but I also know that some people will never change. And that's ok, because just like me they are free to believe whatever they want to believe.

So in that department, the Judgy McJudgersons behaved themselves.

But elsewhere....

A friend called me the other day. She runs another page on facebook, and she was telling me that she had posted something on her page about being stressed because she was going to have extra kids around for a few days. Apparently, someone commented on her status and told her something to the effect of (and I am massively paraphrasing here) 'you shouldn't complain because Non-Stop Mom does it on her own all of the time' or something like that.

Honestly, that really bugged me the more that I thought about it. I don't ever want anyone to think that my life is so horrible or stressful or depressing or whatever that I have to be admired for getting through it. It's my life, people. It is what it is, period.

Think about it. I'm a single mom. Yes, that's stressful. Yes, it makes some things harder than it does for parents who have a spouse. But you know what? I'm single by choice. I choose to be a single mom. I didn't choose it when it happened, but I sure as heck choose it now. Yes, I have The Dude and I love him with all of my heart and soul and I fully intend to torture him for the rest of our lives be with him for a very long time - but I choose not to be married to him. There are a lot of reasons there and I've talked about some of them before but regardless, I'm a single mom by choice.

Hopefully, as we continue house hunting, we'll be living together within a few months and although we will not be married, he'll be around to help more. Until then, it's ok. Really.

My schedule is crazy. We all know that. But you know what? It's crazy by choice too. I allow my kids to participate in as many activities as they can because I think that (to a point) it's good for them. I want them to be active and involved and to enjoy life as much as possible. I could seriously simplify my schedule by just saying no to a few after school activities - but I choose to do them. And that's ok.

I could also simplify my schedule by just not taking on so many projects at one time. But you know what? By making the choice not to work right now, I can also make the choice to be more involved in other stuff. Important stuff. And so I run myself ragged. I like to stay busy. It's my choice. And that's ok.

So I don't sleep very much. You know what? A lot of that's by choice too. I don't get a lot of time to myself during the day, so I stay up late playing on the computer and blogging and doing whatever I feel like doing for a few hours. Should I do it all of the time? Probably not. Have I been getting better about it? Somewhat. But again, it's my choice. And it's ok too.

Another area where the Judgy McJudgersons have been out in full force is that silly Tooth Fairy letter. Holy crap, people. Seriously? It's still appearing in random places and it seems like the farther out we get from the original posting of it in January, the more hateful people get. For real. I saw it on 3 different facebook pages today, and holy crapola the hate and venom and ........ mean, judgmental people were just unreal. I couldn't believe it. There are so many people out there who are willing to call me a horrible mother ... mean ... nasty ... evil ... the worst parent ever ... bitch ... that I'm scarring my kids for life (that one still kind of amuses me) ... that I'm lying to my kids ... that I'm lazy ... Seriously, you name the insult, and I bet I've read it in regards to that letter.

But you know what? I can take it. It really doesn't bother me that much. But then I sit back and think - if people are so willing to judge a random unknown parent by one single random piece of paper that's circulating around the internet with absolutely no context whatsoever - what kind of judgments are they passing on people who are actually in their lives? What are they saying about their kids' teachers, or their own siblings, or their neighbors, or the homeless guy that they pass every morning on their way to work? What do these people think of themselves? How is it that they feel qualified to judge someone unknown to them based on one tiny little momentary glimpse into that person's life?

Honestly, what gives anyone the right to judge anyone else? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that being judgmental is a learned trait - and most of the time, kids pick that up from their parents and other adults in their lives. Think about that the next time you feel like spouting off some line of judgy crap about someone in front of your kid, and then go one step farther and think about how you would feel if you were the person being judged.

Trust me, being judged sucks. It really does. That I can tell you from experience.

Who Am I?

One of these posts is going around the bloggy world again. A blogger gets tagged in a post and is supposed to answer all of these questions and then tag a bunch of other bloggers to do the same thing - kind of like a chain letter - but way more annoying. ;)

But, my friend Heather over at My Husband Ate All My Ice Cream did it, and she tagged me, so I'm going to do it. Just because.

1. Where were you born? Maryland

2. Were you named after someone? I don't know where my first name came from, but my middle name was my grandmother's. Although I loved Gramma dearly and miss her every day, I don't really care for it hate the name so I don't use it. I don't even use my middle initial if I can help it. That really irritated the people who drew up the paperwork when Ex1 and I closed on our house - they used my middle initial even though it wasn't on any of the application paperwork, and I refused to include it in my signature. I can be stubborn like that.

3. How many children do you have? 5

4. How many pets do you have? None. And it will stay that way for as long as possible.

5. Your worst injury? That's a toss-up. In college I wrecked my bike while trying to avoid a car that had pulled out in front of me on my way to class, and I put the lens of my glasses up through my eyebrow and got some pretty significant facial injuries. Got to ride in an ambulance and everything and came home with all sorts of stitches sticking out of my face.

There was also the hip replacement but that wasn't really an injury.

6. Do you have a special talent? I think that's pretty subjective. I do a lot of sewing. And I can cook and bake stuff.  And clean. Oh, and I can roll my tongue too.

7. Favorite thing to bake? Brownies. People say that they're pretty good. And they don't come out of a box.

8. Favorite Fast Food? Ugh. Too much of it. My favorite is probably Arby's though.

9. Would you bungee jump? You know, I probably would. I don't mind heights at all so that part doesn't bother me. But I don't think that I could handle the going-upside-down-thing (partially because I don't think that it would be good to be tethered by my ankles with the whole prosthetic-hip-thing). If I could do it where I jumped feet first and stayed upright-ish, I think it would be pretty cool.

10. What is the first thing you notice about people? If they are positive or negative people. Having been in such a dark place myself for so long, I try to make a conscious effort to be around as many positive people as I can.

11. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday.

12. Any current worries? So many that I can't even begin to name them. Most of them are pretty  mundane, but a few of them are pretty big.

13. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly. Diet Pepsi, coffee, and attempting to drink more water. Ick.

14. What’s your favorite book? Uhhhhhhhh.........

15. Would you like to be a pirate? Not really. I love the water, I love the beach....but the whole being-on-a-boat-thing? Not so much. Might have something to do with not being able to swim.

16. Favorite Smells? The combination of Murphy's Oil Soap, leather, and horse. Or vanilla.

17. Why do you blog? Because my friend over at High Heeled Country told me to a couple of years ago. So I did. And surprise - it turned out to be really fun.

18. What song do you want played at your funeral? Probably "Only the Good Die Young" and "My Life" by Billy Joel.

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I'm a nail-biter, big time. I actually tend to be really disorganized most of the time. I have a hard time following through with plans that I make. But I'm getting better at all three of those.

20. Favorite hobby? Crafty stuff. Running.

21. Name something that you have done that you never thought you would do? Have 5 kids with 3 different fathers. Not quite the life that I had planned (there goes that follow through again). Oh, and I didn't really plan those pesky divorces either.

22. What do you look for in a friend? Someone who doesn't take life so seriously and can be as goofy as I can be.

23. Favorite fun things to do? Anything outside, especially the lake with the kids in the summer. Snuggling up with The Dude to watch movies either with the kids or after they're asleep.

24. Pet peeves? Any repetitive noise - ticking, water dripping, snoring, DVD stuck on the menu screen, etc. Stupid drivers. Vehicles with attitudes.

25. What’s the last thing that made you laugh? The boys messing around in the living room.

Now that I have that part out of the way, I'm supposed to list 8 more bloggers to torture with this. But I'm not going to do that. Instead, if you have a favorite blogger - ask him/her to do it. And if they do, post a link in the comments here and then everyone else can check them out too.

I'm wired. And I have hand grenades. And candy.

It's been another crazy day around here. Not so much in the physical-here, but in the blogosphere-here.

In bloggy news, I was contacted yesterday (was it yesterday? I think it was yesterday...) by a gentleman by the name of Roy Wood who writes for wired.com. He wanted to write an article about the Tooth Fairy letter and so we emailed back and forth a few times and talked about the specifics. I told a few friends about it, and they all had pretty much the same reaction.

"OMG DO YOU REALIZE HOW BIG THIS CAN BE?!?!?!?!"

Uh, apparently I didn't.

I can honestly say that before yesterday, I never even looked at that website.

I'm looking now.

Mr. Wood published his article this morning and emailed me with the link to it. I didn't realize it right away because for whatever reason, my phone has decided to quit notifying me about emails from that particular account. When I got the email from him with the link, I immediately went to read it and was really happy with what he had to say. Even the nasty comment that another reader had left didn't bother me. So I went and posted the link to his article on both my facebook page and my personal profile.

A little while later I figured I'd check the stats on my blog and see what was happening.

There might have been some hyperventilating involved at that point. Today was probably the third highest day for traffic on my blog since I started it over 2 years ago.

And it blows my mind. Seriously. When I wrote that letter, I expected nothing to come of it. Maybe a few giggles here and there. I'm amazed that it's still floating around out there and that people (for the most part) still like it.

But the increased traffic is stressful for me in a way. I've said it before - this blog has been so small for so long and I was used to that and comfortable with that. Getting this much attention is a bit unnerving. It makes me question where I want to go with it (I'm still pretty much dead-set against advertising) and if I'm good enough to keep going with it. I don't pop off with things like the Tooth Fairy letter or the food stamp post or the Boy Scout post very often and those are what have brought the majority of people here. But if they're looking for that on a regular basis, they're going to be waiting for a while and will have to tolerate stories about my kids and my crazy days and mountains of laundry and stuff like that in the meantime.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to keep on going the way that I have been for the last 2+ years. I don't know where I'll end up, but I'll just keep plugging along.

I had this discussion with The Dude tonight. We took Daniel and went out to eat and then did a little bit of shopping after so that I could get some stuff for a project, plus a few odds and ends that I needed wanted. My next project includes hand grenades, candy, yarn, and glue.

Because those are the ingredients needed for the perfect Easter surprise for the kids. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Don't worry - you'll see them when they're done. Unless they're an epic fail.

Now what?

It seems that I've done it again. Unintentionally.

Back in November, I got a wild hair and went off on a rant about judgmental people and food stamps and that post went INSANE. I'm still getting comments on that.

Then came the silly Tooth Fairy letter, which just caused everyone to go nuts (myself included).

Last night's post went kind of crazy. I kind of figured that it would, but I wasn't sure to what extent - and it really bypassed my expectations.

Those three things have caused the traffic on both this blog and my facebook page to grow exponentially. Fast. It took something like 20 months to get up to 3000 people on my facebook page, which averages out to about 150 people per month. In the past month or so alone, over 1200 people have 'liked' it.

What I'm getting at is that I'm not used to this. I've been a little bitty baby blog for a long time and I'm ok with that. I don't blog for numbers or money or fame and fortune. I started it on a whim and it's kind of taken off a bit more than I expected. So when things like this happen, I get a little bit overwhelmed. I like to compare it to the guitar player who loves playing little gigs at the local bar for a small group of people - and then is suddenly thrust into the spotlight center-stage at Madison Square Garden in front of a sold-out crowd. It's a little nerve-wracking.

It's fun, yes. But it's also scary. I know that people are going back and reading old posts to get to 'know' me. Some of my past posts were not taken so well, or were about very dark times in my life - and they sort of 'reappear' on my radar when people start reading them again. I've put so much of my life 'out there' and sometimes it's a little unnerving to have it examined by total strangers.

So why do I do it? I get that question a lot.

Like I've said before, it started on a whim. I never expected anyone to pay any attention. But the more time I put into it, the more people started to read it. I started connecting with people that I wouldn't have know otherwise, and people who were reading were connecting with each other. A nifty little group of people has come together because I started writing a blog.

And that's really pretty cool.

I never claimed to be an artist.

At the same time, it also leads to me wandering around the house looking a lot like this.

Ratty t-shirt, gigantic cup of coffee, and the purple bandana - check.

Deer In The Headlights look - check.

Questions flying through my mind at warp speed - check.

I'm always left thinking "Well, crap. Now what? What can I write about now that people will find interesting after I did THAT?"

So yeah. That's where I am right about now. Blogging about the fact that I have no idea what I should be blogging about today.

One thing that I can promise is this - it has been suggested numerous times that I start putting ads on my page because of the increased traffic. At this point in time, I have no desire to do that. None. I don't want sponsors. I don't want to follow someone else's rules and write about what THEY want. I'm going to continue doing things the way that I always  have, which means you'll get lots of random ramblings.

Because that's what I do.

You asked for it....

So every now and then I like to have the people on my facebook page to ask me questions, and I answer them. I did that tonight and although they were being a bit goofy, I decided to go ahead and answer all of them anyway.

So there.

Bruce asked: Why is The Weather Channel reporting from VA about a minor snow storm? And...how will we survive the blizzard? 

To the first part, I can say it's because y'all are a bunch of flatlanders, much like the people in Kansas. That, or it's just a slow news night. I'm pretty sure that YOU will survive your impending blizzard with your guitar, maybe some alcohol, and your beautiful wife by your side!

Alice asked: Will you still love me tomorrow? 

Always, my dear. Always.

Melissa asked:  Why does Nicki Minaj look like a Muppet from outer space?...

Ummmmm......who? Honestly, I've heard her name, but I really have no clue who she is. Am I showing my age, or my total lack of disregard for current pop culture? Or both?

Brown, black.
Plastic, wood, paper.
Crooked, straight.
My wall, my rules. :)

Rebecca asked: Why can't brown and black frames (on a wall) coexist? Is there some sort of frame law against such tyranny?

Oh, now that's a simple one for me. They can coexist. Very nicely too. But then again, I've never been the type of person to stick to decorating (or fashion) rules. I say if you think it looks good, and you like it, then go for it. Create your own style. Do something different. Think outside of the proverbial box!!! And then show me pictures, because I want to see. Seriously.

Jenni asked: I'm loving the questions! Lol. I have 1! Are we there yet?!

You would. Brat. And the answer is no, because we haven't gotten together for our day-long Bizarre Places of Kansas Photography playdate yet. We need to do that.

Then Jennifer decided to hit me with questions......so here are all of hers:

Jennifer asked: Well, you have been smoke free for six months now. Congrats! Do you still crave them? Also, I thought you re giving up caffeine. What happened toto that.

Toto went back to Oz. ;)

Seriously though, yes, I still crave cigarettes every. single. day. Especially when I'm around people who still smoke *hint hint*. It's hard. Extremely hard. But I do feel better without them and I really want to never pick one up again. Never ever.

As for the caffeine....yeah, well, I did really well until we went on vacation, and then I had to have some to drive. And some led to more, which led to more, which led back into the full-fledged addiction again. It's next on the list of things to go. Again.

How early is too early to send your kids to bed for misbehaving?

Honestly, as far as I'm concerned, it's never too early. They get warned, sometimes too many times. And when they've reached that point, they go to bed. It's been as early as 6:00pm around here a few times - and usually that child is asleep within a few minutes. I try not to use the going-to-bed thing as punishment unless I have to do it and I know that they are truly tired. I don't want bedtime to be turned into a battle because they always look at it as punishment, so it's used very sparingly.

Would you ever consider getting your kids cell phones for emergencies?

Well.....the girls had one that they shared. Ex1 and his wife were able to get one added to their plan for nothing (or next to nothing) so they did carry it on the few times that they were alone, or to practices or other events when they would need to call for a ride home. They proved that they were responsible with that, so we actually went together and got Sarah one for her 13th birthday. Ex1 and I both pay for it, so she has to follow our rules with it at each house. She's gotten it taken away from her more than once here for having her nose glued to it, but for the most part she's been ok with it. She does have certain expectations with it, and so far it's been ok. I'm not crazy about the idea, but in this day and age I do feel a bit more comfortable knowing that she has it. Emily still uses the other one when she is at activities, but she does not carry it with her at all times.

What is the first thing you would do if you won a massive lottery?

There isn't ONE thing, but a few things that are all kind of lumped together. First off, pay off all of my bills and The Dude's bills. Get us in the clear as far as debt goes. Buy us both dependable vehicles so that we wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. Build our dream house in the town that we are trying to move to so that all of the kids could be in the same school district. At that point, we are set - we are debt-free, we have transportation, and the kids are all in the same school. Those are the major hurdles that we are facing right now and once we clear those, we can figure out the rest of it as we go.

If you weren't with Dude, what celeb would you date if the oppotunity arose?

Do I have to pick just one?

Sheesh.....there is always my first love - Jon Bon Jovi. First celebrity crush, and yeah, still crazy about the man. Have you seen the picture of him in the Versace ad? Oh, hello........

There's also Denzel Washington. I don't know what it is about that man..... The Dude actually humors me and occasionally brings over a movie with Denzel in it for us to watch. He's so good to me.

Dierks Bentley. Love his curly hair. And his voice.

I think those are my top 3. For today.

Would you ever consider getting lasik (spelling?) surgery?

In. a. heartbeat.

I've been asked a lot recently if I would consider getting ads or sponsors on my blog in order to make money and I keep telling people that I'm really not interested. I'm not looking to make money or get freebies from doing my blog. However, if a sponsor were to come to me and say "hey, we'll do lasik on your eyes for free if you'll let us advertise on your blog" I'd be all over that. No questions asked. My vision has gotten so much worse over the years, I hate wearing glasses with a passion, I don't want to deal with the hassle of contacts (been there done that) and I just want to be able to see. Not to mention that I want to wear really cute sunglasses. Not dorky clip-ons.

Have you ever thought about making a daily chore list for the kids?

All. the. time. But have I done it yet? Nope. Why? Too many distractions. Life keeps getting in the way. However, it's something that I've been thinking about more and more and it's something that I want to do, but I'm going to have to do it slowly because otherwise they're just going to rebel against it. I need to figure out a time that I can sit down with all of them - possibly individually - and talk to them about it and my expectations of them. Things have gotten out of hand around the house, and they need to do more to help me. I know that.

What some people don't realize though is that as a single parent, it's hard. I can't be in two places in the house at one time. I can't be making sure that the boys are doing one thing and making sure that the girls are doing their thing at the same time. I can be watching over the boys while they do their thing, and the girls are getting into a fistfight behind my back, or vice versa. It's hard and it's stressful. Lists need to be made, but at the same time the kids need to have some input into them or it's never going to work.

We need to turn it around...

I went into the beginning of this new year full of hope and excitement. I really do think that there are going to be some wonderful things happening for me and my family this year. I was anxious to get this year started for so many positive reasons.

But then the new year started - and it didn't start well at all.

I found out on the second day of the year that one of my friends was going through a personal hell, and as a mother, it hit home for me.

On the third day, we got more devastating news that again, hit me so incredibly hard.

The Dude has been having problems with his truck. My "service engine" light was on. He has to get two teeth pulled tomorrow afternoon.

It just hasn't been a stellar start to the year. But at the same time I know that it could always be worse.

We spent part of the afternoon today working on his truck. Although we didn't get it fixed, we have now narrowed down the problem and are about 98% sure that we know what's wrong with it. He can drive it for now, for short distances, but it needs to be fixed. Of course that doesn't come for free, but we can get it taken care of in the next couple of weeks.

My "service engine" light? I had a sneaking suspicion desperate hope that it was something stupid - and it was. Turns out the gas cap wasn't on tight enough to make it happy. Stupid thing. But the light's off now, so it's good.

Tonight, however.....tonight was hard. As I mentioned the other day, a little boy who was the son of one of Sarah's mentors was killed in a horrible accident last week. As a mother, I can't even begin to imagine the impact of losing a child. I just can't wrap my head around it. After the kids got home from school and basketball practice tonight, Sarah announced that she wanted to go to the boy's viewing. I wasn't sure that it was a good idea, but she and I talked about it and she really wanted to go. I told her she would have to check with her father, since she was supposed to go to church with him tonight. He agreed that she could go, but only if I went with her. So plans quickly changed, Ex1 came and got Emily and Jared, I took Alex and Daniel over to The Dude's house, and Sarah and I went to the viewing.

It was so hard. So incredibly hard. Seeing the little boy's parents and sisters there, and the other mourners...looking at the pictures and the videos from his short little life....my heart shattered so many times tonight. Seeing the pain in his mother's eyes as she hugged me and thanked me for coming....I have tears running down my face as I'm typing this.

All I've been able to think for the past few days is "something's got to give" - there has been too much bad stuff to start off a new year. Way too much. It needs to change, and somehow we need to turn it around. So I started thinking - always dangerous for me to do.

Tomorrow, January 10, 2013 is my 2 year blogiversary. It's been 2 years since I started this crazy thing.  And Sunday, January 13, is both my 42nd birthday and the 2nd anniversary of the day that my 2nd divorce became final.

I need to celebrate. I want to celebrate. I want to be happy. While I can't forget about the bad stuff, I can't focus on it - and I don't want anyone else to focus on the bad stuff either.

So what do we do?

I know what I'm going to do. I've always been a huge fan of the "Pay it Forward" movement (as is my good friend over at Mom-troversial) and I'm going to start making a really conscious effort to pay it forward as much as I can and in as many ways as I can. I have a pile of stuff sitting by my front door already that needs to be donated - and it's going to go out this week. We have toys that the kids have outgrown or they don't like or whatever. Guess what? They're going out the door too.

I've made up my mind that I am going to do as much as I can for two of my favorite local organizations too - our homeless shelter and our women's safe house. I have my own personal reasons for choosing those two in particular, but they're going to be getting some of my time, my money, and any of my "stuff" that they can use.

So - for my blogiversary and for my birthday, this is the best gift that anyone could give to me (*cough* along with a pair of warm fuzzy slippers so that I don't have to keep wearing The Dude's that are 18 sizes too big for me *cough*). Go out and do something for someone. Donate something somewhere. Be nice to someone. Donate something that you don't need anymore instead of selling it. Volunteer your time. If you have the cash, make a donation to a local organization that needs it. There are so many ways that we can make someone else's life just a little bit easier, but we overlook those things so often in our hurry to deal with our own lives. Pay it forward, people. Please.

So go and do it, and tell me what you did. Leave it in a comment here, post it on my facebook wall, send me an email, whatever. Tell the world that you did it, and maybe you'll inspire someone else to do the same thing.

So, uh, yeah....about last night....

Wow. That's the first word that comes to mind at this point.

When I sat down to write my post about judgmental people and food stamps last night, I had NO IDEA what was going to happen. None. I figured it would get a decent amount of hits, probably a few more comments than usual, and that would be it.

Almost from the moment I hit "publish" - it went crazy. For real.

Just to give you guys an idea of what I'm talking about....on any given day, my blog usually gets about 150 views. Some days, if I don't post anything, it's as low as 30-40 views. On a good day, it's around 200. Until today, my most popular post ever had a total of 1191 views - and it's been posted since July.

This morning, about 14 hours after I posted that post, it moved into the top position, and surpassed an entry that's been up for 4 months. As of right now, it has over 6200 views and is still climbing. There are well over 50 comments from people (that I still have to go back and respond to - give me time!) and the comments are still coming as well.

Those numbers aren't huge to "big bloggers" but to me - and my little tiny baby blog - it's totally overwhelming. My phone - which controls my internet access - has been lit up all. day. long.

I want everyone to know that I have read every single comment - on the blog, on my facebook page, in my inbox, on my personal profile, on twitter - I've read them all. I just simply haven't had time to respond to everyone yet.

But I would like to clear up a few things really quick while I'm thinking about it...and I'm going to include some links that tell more of the "backstory" for the new people here....

I am NOT currently receiving food stamps. Financially, yes, I am eligible to do so. Honestly, I would love to get them at this point - however, because of some *ahem* hiccups in the system and the refusal of certain individuals to send me paperwork that I requested from them several times, my kids and I can not receive that type of assistance any longer.

I do not currently work. My second ex-husband passed away shortly after our divorce. Because of this, my youngest son and I receive Social Security. We get enough to live on and to put some aside every month. We don't live in the lap of luxury, and some months are really really tight - but we make it work. I think after everything that my kids and I have been through in the past few years, they deserve to have me 100% of the time. I will get a job when the time is right. Until then, I do a lot of crafty type stuff to make a little bit of extra money here and there.

For the most part, my life is an open book on this blog. There are a few taboo subjects -

• We do not talk about exactly where we live. We're in Kansas, and that's all that you need to know. If you recognize our location from the pictures, please don't say anything publicly about it. Had I known when I started that there were going to be so many people reading this, I never would have used pictures of my kids. So don't reveal our location.
• For the love of chocolate, do not use our last names! Do not use anyone's last names! That one should be a no-brainer.
• Don't use the name of the kids' schools if you happen to know them. Again, duh.
• I don't do politics. I leave that up to The Dude. If you don't know who he is, you'll figure it out sooner or later.
• Pretty much everything else that you might want to know is found in the "About Me" tab at the top of this page. Or just ask me. I don't bite.....hard.

Now that we got all of that out of the way...........

The rest of the day was spent doing the usual. Tons of laundry, lots of cleaning, bathroom scrubbing (*gag*), and general running around trying to get ready for the impending holiday. Yep, it was a total purple bandana kind of a day. I finally got my grocery list ready so that I can go to the store tomorrow morning (hopefully before it gets swamped) and get the last few things that we need for dinner on Thursday and then I get to clean some more, start some of the cooking and baking, and wait for the older 3 kids to come home so that we can *gasp* celebrate Sarah's 13th birthday.

Yikes. It's after midnight. I'm officially the mother of a teenager.

OK, I'm going to go cry now.

Spammers of the world, unite!

For whatever reason, over the past month or so, spammers have been hitting my blog big time! Seriously - my phone beeps at me constantly saying that I have a new email, and when I look to see what it is, it's almost always a comment on my blog.

But it's not a "real" comment. It's spam. Luckily, one thing that Blogger is pretty good at is catching the spam and immediately hiding it, so you all don't usually get to see them. To me it's still a toss-up as to whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, because some of them are really kind of humorous.

Rorschach test?

Now, I could eliminate these completely by making everyone who leaves a comment deal with the "captcha" thingee - but I figure that since I can't read those things to save my life, I'm not going to make anyone else do it either. Seriously, I understand that they're supposed to be a little tricky to read, but most of the ones that I've seen lately have been all but impossible for me. (So, if you have a blog, and I haven't been commenting lately, and you have a captcha on it, that's probably why.)

I could also eliminate the option to post anonymously - but that takes some of the fun out of it too. I took that away for a while because of the people who were harassing me, but some of my friends still comment anonymously too. Now, if they'd actually create accounts to use....*hint hint*.....

However, for your reading pleasure tonight, I'm going to give you just a sampling of the comments that I have gotten on one post in particular - and what's funny is that these comments didn't really start until over a year after I wrote it!

Here goes...

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So there you have it. A little behind-the-scenes look into the world of blogging. I can't wait to see the comments that roll in on this one!