Too Close to Home

This came up on my calendar today, and the timing of it couldn't have been better.

If you've been following the news (or my page) you know that there was a mass shooting very close to here just a few days ago.

So close that the cops tore past my house so fast that I couldn't even tell what color the cars were.

So close that I raced around town, picking my kids up from various places to make sure that they were home and safe.

So close that we locked our doors - something that we never do - until we knew for a fact that the shooter acted alone and was down.

So close that I couldn't tear myself away from the media coverage, my eyes searching the crowds on TV, trying to spot anyone that I knew to make sure that they were safe.

So close that one of my acquaintances was among the injured, and I recognized the name of one of those killed.

So close that I had no choice but to explain to my kids what had actually happened.

Too close.  Entirely too close.

The day after the shooting, it was revealed that the shooter had been served a PFA (Protection From Abuse order, AKA a restraining order) about 90 minutes before he went on his rampage. His former girlfriend filed it on him, alleging that he had physically abused her on at least one occasion.

As soon as that information was released, the discussion of domestic violence began. And of course it's impossible not to read the comments when articles like that are posted. And of course the discussions and the resulting comments and arguments and victim blaming brought back all sorts of not-so-fun stuff from my past - and it's been eating me alive for days now.

For the most part, I'm over it. Yes, I was a victim of domestic violence. Yes, it was horrible. But my life doesn't revolve around it. It is a part of my past, but it doesn't define me, because I won't allow it to do that. It's not something that I normally talk about on a daily basis - but every now and then, something brings it back to the surface and it eats at me. I think back to all of the reasons why I stayed for so long, and I relive certain moments and I feel the pain and the heartache all over again. And then I look at where I am now and realize that no matter how bleak things appeared to be at the time, I'm in such a good place now. But it's a constant battle in my head - between remembering the horrible times in the past and appreciating the good ones now.

And I know that as a community, we are strong. We are so incredibly strong. The outpouring of support from surrounding areas has been amazing and humbling. Our little rural area of Kansas has been thrust into the national spotlight, and we are shining through the darkness.

At the same time that all of this was happening, probably even within the same 24-hour period, I found out that not only is one of my friends dying from cancer - but so is another one. I knew about the first one. At least I knew that he was sick, but to receive the news that it had progressed so far so fast hit me like a freight train. The second one? I had no clue. I totally missed the posts about her condition until I went looking for her to ask her a question, and found out that she's dying. The freight train backed up and hit me a second time. Once again, I'm standing here questioning everything. Why do these things happen? Why is it always the good guys? Why can't we all just get along and why can't everyone live long and healthy and happy lives? Why does life have to be so damned hard?

It's been a rough few days, to say the least. I've been forcing myself to go out and run even when I didn't want to - because I know if I don't, I'll just sit here and eat everything and be lazy and be miserable and slide down into that hole that I try so hard to avoid. But luckily I have my Sole Sis/Slave Driver who keeps me going. She keeps forcing me to run, but that's what I need right now - because I know that if I don't get out and run, I'll feel like crap from sitting around like a lump. If I do run, I still feel like crap, but it's a good kind of crap (if that makes any sense at all). And the running is getting easier, and I do feel better - and that helps so much with the mental stuff right now.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. That's all that any of us can do. Keep going, don't stop, and eventually we'll get through all of the crap.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

#HesstonStrong

Randomness.

Just because. I'm in the mood to write, but I can't get my mind to go in one direction, so you're getting random thoughts. I want to get back into the habit of writing regularly, but I'm having issues with it....

So apparently it's Wine Day or something. Like I need an excuse.

OK, that makes me sound like a lush, and I'm really not - but I like wine. And there are days when I'd like nothing better than to kick back with a bottle and just relax and get over the day.

Today is one of those days. So I'm partaking. And I'll hate myself in a few hours when the alarm goes off, but whatever.

I didn't have a good time at the gym this morning. Not that any time spent on the treadmill is necessarily a good time, but today really sucked. I fully intended to do 3-4 miles when I got there and after 2 miles I hit the 'stop' button and quit. I just couldn't do it. But on the flip side, my sole sis and I have really kind of pushed it this week and we're tired. So tomorrow is officially a rest day - at least from running. Not like I'll actually rest....

I haven't been writing. I miss it. I have tons of things that I want to write about, but I have a million reasons excuses why I haven't written lately. The ridiculous Tooth Fairy Letter made a ridiculous comeback and as usual, the haters came out of the woodwork to remind me yet again what a horrible mother I am. And yeah, as much as I try not to let it get to me the comments still sting a bit. There were a few that really got under my skin, and I might address them at some point. Or not. Haven't decided on that one yet.

Things with Mom Cave Designs have been gaining speed. That's a good thing. Getting weighted blankets out to people that need them has been amazing and enlightening and overwhelming and eye-opening, among other things. I love that I'm able to do it. I really do. I have ideas and plans and all sorts of fun stuff in my head but I just haven't had time to put them into action yet. I need an assistant. An assistant with deep pockets would be great, but for now I'd just take any old assistant.

The weather right now is awesome here in the middle of the country. I'll take shorts and bare feet in February and not complain about it.

Life is good. Life is really good. There are so many things going on right now and I can't even begin to explain all of them. For real.

And finally, cancer sucks. Seriously. Cancer sucks ass. I'm sick and tired of it taking the good guys. Just for once, I'd like to see it take one of the assholes - but no. Not today. Today, it took one of the good guys. He was an acquaintance, a facebook friend, a fellow alumni from my high school - not a "friend" per se, but still.....it sucks. RIP, Dave.

And with that.....I'm done for tonight. I'm going to try to write on a more semi-regular basis again.......but "try" is the operative word here. Life is crazy. We'll see what happens.

Making Amends

I got a phone call yesterday. Actually, I got a voicemail because as soon as I saw the area code of the caller, I got chills and couldn't move to answer it even if I wanted to.

I waited for the voicemail notification, staring at the phone the entire time. I was sitting downstairs in the Mom Cave at the sewing machine, and the phone was sitting beside the machine as I worked. When the notification chimed, I picked up the phone, called the voicemail, and somehow entered my code with my hands shaking.

"Good morning, Amy! This is S, Jeff's father. I'm calling because I need to talk with you. I know it's been a long time and there's been some issues and so forth but anyway, I'm trying to reach out. I need to make some amends and I'd really like to hear from you. I'd appreciate it very much. I've been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and enough is enough. We need to make some peace here so anyway I hope things are well. My wife keeps track of you on the internet and she just says that you're just such a lovely mother and I believe that. Anyway when it's convenient, and if you don't, I understand too. I just would like to talk with you. Anyway, I hope it warms up there in Kansas. Give me a call. Please. Bye."

My first reaction was extreme anger. Then sadness. Pain. Anger. Devastation. Confusion. Intense sadness. Disbelief. Anger.

I screamed and yelled and cried and stomped around the house and sobbed and collapsed in the middle of the living room floor.

How dare he do this? Why now? What gives this man the right to call me and "make amends"???

I called The Dude and told him what happened. I forwarded the voicemail to him so that he could hear it. He asked me the Million Dollar Question: What are you going to do?

I've gone round and round and round in my head about it. I've listened to the message dozens of times. And here is my response:

Dear S:

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Cancer is a truly horrible disease, and I don't wish it on anyone.

I have not stopped thinking about how to handle this since the second that I saw your number come up on my phone. I thought about ignoring it and just not responding, but realistically - that gives you closure. You get to say "well, I tried" and pat yourself on the back. I thought about calling you back and telling you exactly how I feel, but I know that wouldn't end well. You would try to manipulate me and tell me again how everything was all my fault like you've done in the past, and I wouldn't be able to say what I wanted to say. Maybe a public blog post isn't the best way to handle it, but I don't have your address so I can't send you a letter - and this way it's "out there" so that everyone can see exactly what I said.... because I have nothing to hide.

Just to refresh your memory, it's been more than 5 1/2 years since you've bothered to contact me. To be precise, I told Jeff to leave for the final time 5 years, 6 months, and 2 days ago - and you never bothered to contact me since before then. You never called to make sure that Daniel was ok or to see if he needed anything. You wrote him off, just like the rest of your family did.

Even after I made it clear that you could have a relationship with Daniel, you chose not to. You continued to ignore him. Worse, you and/or your family made it your mission to make our lives more difficult. The decisions made by you and your family destroyed everything that I had and everything that I was for a while.

But now..... after all of this time..... you want to make amends.

Why? Because you're dying.

Think about that. You're not doing it because it's the right thing to do or because you miss your grandson, but because you're dying. You didn't even mention him in your voicemail - it was all about you and your need to make amends. It's not about anyone else but you. You think that if you do this now, you'll get your Get Into Heaven Free card.

You could have done this any time in the last 5 1/2 years, but no. You chose to wait until the last minute, giving me a guilt-laden ultimatum to make you feel better about yourself.

I have news for you.

No.

You lost your chance.

I have done nothing in the last 5 1/2 years but put my kids first. I have fought tooth and nail to give them the life that they deserve. We have struggled to rebuild what we lost after we lost Jeff, and we did it without your help. We have moved on, we have grown up, and we have learned what is truly important in life. I am not the same person that I was back then. I don't allow myself to be trampled anymore. I don't hide my feelings, and I'm not afraid to tell you exactly what I think of you.

You have done nothing for Daniel. Nothing. You have not been there for him. You have not shown him love or respect or anything but indifference. You have only shown him that he is not worth anything to you or anyone else in your family.

The good news is that he has a huge family who does love him. He has a dad now - one who he has chosen and one who loves him as a dad should. He has siblings and grandparents and cousins and crazy aunts and uncles who love him as he deserves to be loved - and they won't turn their backs on him.

You chose not to have that. You chose to wait until the last minute, hoping that I would feel bad enough for you to give into you and give you what you expect - but it's not going to happen. Maybe I'll regret this decision some time in the future - but then I'll remind myself that it wasn't me who turned my back 5 1/2 years ago.

It wasn't Daniel's fault. It wasn't my fault.

It was you. It was your family. It was your choices.

So there you go. You reached out. You tried. Good for you.

And I told you what I think. Good for me.

I guess we both got something out of this.

Peace,
Amy

Lots of -ations today

Today was a day full of -ations.

Information.

I spent the morning and early afternoon at an information fair in town today, handing out flyers and talking to people about Cub Scouts as we try to round up more boys to join our pack. I ran into some people who I haven't seen in a very long time (and The Dude ran into a buddy from his youth who now lives in Florida and was just "passing through" the area - weird) and met new people and talked until I couldn't talk anymore - which is a huge feat for me because believe it or not, I don't like to talk to people.

Celebration.

We went to a barbecue today to celebrate the life of Jared's classmate who passed away 2 weeks ago from brain cancer. The food was wonderful, lots of money was raised, and there were so many people there to celebrate and honor the life of a little boy who touched so many in his 9 short years of life.

Someone asked me how the kids were handling his death. Honestly, they seem to be handling it better than I am. Jared doesn't say much about it, other than asking an occasional question or two. I've tried to talk to him about it, especially in the days leading up to and right after Sam's death, and I've explained a lot to him. I think that he understands it, but he's still young enough that it doesn't consume him. But as a mother, I just can't even imagine how his family feels. I just can't. It tears my heart to shreds if I think about it too much, especially when I realize that it could easily be one of my kids.

They even had a pink fire truck there.

Frustration.

Just trying to get everything done that needs to be done before I start my crazy work schedule on Monday. I have so many things that I need to do, and I'm quickly running out of time. I feel like I have to have the house clean and the laundry done and put away and the meal planning completed and and and and and........ My inner control freak is coming out in a really big way, and it's driving me insane because I know in my heart that everyone will survive even if the house is a mess - but that's not how I want it to be.

Inspiration.

Along with trying to get household stuff done, I'm also trying to finish up some craft projects. After the barbecue, The Dude and the boys and I went fabric shopping (ok, I shopped while they walked the mall to stay out of my way), and just the simple act of picking out the fabrics that I need got my mind spinning and I was able to sit down tonight and design the quilt squares that I need to make to finish one project.

So for now, I'm going to go cut fabric into pieces and sew it back together again and maybe get one thing crossed off of the to-do list.

Just one. That's all I need before I go to bed.

Laughter and Tears

Laughter.

The Dude and I went out today to get some mulch for the church playground. Our city takes all of the branches that come down during storms or whatever, mulches them, and anyone can go and get the mulch. For free.

Of course, I had to play on the pile of mulch. Duh.

And of course, once you get up there, there's only one way to come back down.

We found a friend.

What a stud.

He had to wear his "work boots" too.

This would be *before* we broke the tailgate.
And you can get an idea of how much mulch is actually there.

Heat index of 102 degrees + physical labor =
nasty-stinky people

Ick.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tears. So many tears.

Jared's friend lost his battle with cancer this evening. 

Sam was 9 years old, and would have gone into the 4th grade with Jared next month.

And now he's gone. My heart is broken for his friends and family. 

It's not right. It's not fair. 

F*ck you, cancer.

Rest in peace, Sam.

Sam and Jared in December 2012

The past few days.

I feel like I have to play catch-up. I've kind of lost track of some things over the past few days.

I vaguely remember telling someone that I would post a picture showing what I mean when I say that I have to "mow the trees" in my yard, so here it is.

Sunrise from the parking lot at work.

Alex's procedures yesterday. They went very well. Visually, everything is fine so we just have to wait for biopsy results, which we also expect will be normal. They were just done as a routine part of the scopes. Again, I'm not going into details about what is going on with him, but generally speaking we are trying to rule some things out, which it appears that we did.

Gotta' love those post-op popsicles.

And we got some nifty pictures of his (healthy) innards.

After not eating for about 36 hours, we were hungry. He chose Spangles - and I didn't complain.

Later, we decided to go out for a bit. We grabbed something to eat for supper, stopped at the library, then headed to the pool.

Yup. Same kid who had a colonoscopy and
endoscopy 10 hours before...

He *wanted* his ears like that.

Today was a rougher day. I received news through facebook that Jared's buddy, who has been battling brain cancer since last fall, had passed away. Jared was already back at his father's house when I found out, so I let him tell him - because honestly, I couldn't. Then I found out later that he hadn't actually passed, but things were looking very bleak. Needless to say, he has been on my mind all day long.

Then The Dude and I went and met with Mortgage Lady, hoping to get some good news. My credit scores were where they needed to be to be pre-approved for a loan, and I had all of the documentation that I needed. When she pulled my official credit report, there were some issues. In the grand scheme of things, they're not major issues, but they're bad enough that it's going to be at least another month - or maybe two - until we can move on and get the pre-approval. I had gotten my hopes up, and when I left her office I felt totally deflated. Honestly, I still do.

Just some of the paperwork so far.

As horrible as today has been, I'm trying so hard to keep it all in perspective. I know that things in my own life could be so much worse than they really are but right now I'm going through one of those times when I really wish that the crap would stop piling up on top of me. Waiting on updates on Jared's friend is tearing my heart to shreds, and finding out that we're NOT as close to getting a house as I thought we were has made today one of the hardest days for me in recent history.

But, it could be worse.

One step at a time. That's all I can do.

A little less nakedness.

Our poor Christmas tree has been naked far too long. I bought it almost 2 weeks ago, but we just haven't been able to get our acts together long enough to get it in the house, upright, and decorated.

Actually, that's not true. I got it in the house and fought with it and got it upright last week. And then it crashed.

No, it got pushed. Of course it was an "accident" but regardless I didn't have time to mess with it again and so I just leaned it up against the wall and left it there until I had time again.

Yesterday I started working on getting it back up straight. Things just didn't work out as well as I had hoped (at least partially because of 5 little attitudes) and I ended up sending a rather panicked message to The Dude to come over and help me. So we finally got it back up......but we won't talk about how much fishing line is being used to hold it in position.

"Upright" is all that counts, right? Right.

Anyway, we started decorating it tonight. We got an exceptionally late start on it and rushed through it, but I wanted all of the kids to be able to help. Of course there's always the one who refuses.....*smiles through gritted teeth*....but still.....

I like a lot of lights - and I start by wrapping the
first strand around the trunk.

Not as many lights as I wanted, but it'll do.

Hanging the first ornaments.

Very focused on the job.

I swear....I hate this worse than tangled lights.

Finished for now.....but not complete yet.

I still have to rearrange a lot of the ornaments, add a bunch more, and add the tinsel before it's done. But this is how far we got with it tonight before I sent the thundering herd to bed.

Yes, we have a lot of ornaments. Someone *cough* got this brilliant idea when the kids were babies - and the idea was to get each kid a couple of ornaments every year for Christmas. We use a Sharpie and write their names and the year on each ornament, and then they're wrapped and put in their stockings. It's a fairly inexpensive stocking stuffer, and they get to accumulate ornaments that they can take with them when they move out of the house. Well, some years - the ornaments went on sale before Christmas, and so they were really inexpensive, and *cough* someone *cough* might have gone a little crazy and bought maybe 4-5 ornaments for each kid, without doing the math and realizing that purchasing that many would add up to 20-25 new ornaments each year. *cough*

Yeah....so.....we have a lot of ornaments. And that's why we usually get a 9' tall tree - but we went smaller this year.

Along with the tree, I figured that I'd get the rest of the decorations up too - and that can be a pain when someone is vertically challenged.

Do as I say, not as I do. But take pictures of me while I'm doing it.

This is where the stockings get hung too - once I find them.

That's as far as we've gotten. But it's progress at this point. My tooth is still killing me (especially after I got desperate and ate solid food tonight and got a piece of chicken stuck in it) and I'm down to something like 35 hours before it gets pulled. Yes, the one with the phobia of dentists is counting down the hours until this thing is ripped out of my head - that's how bad it is.

It's been a crazy busy weekend. We had basketball yesterday of course, and Jared's Christmas program was Friday night, and it was super intense and emotional. One of his classmates is dealing with a brain tumor and they had him on Skype during the program, and they sang to him and waved to him and it was beautiful and touching and gut-wrenching and the tears were flowing. But, he got to come home on Saturday and was able to attend a chili feed that was held as a fundraiser for him and his family - so Jared got to see him and talk to him for a few minutes, which was wonderful. Seriously, for all of the whining that I've been doing about my tooth, seeing this little boy putting on his game face and fighting for his life just makes everything else seem so trivial. I got to visit with his mother for a little while, and she was amazing - I can't even being to imagine how I would feel if I were in her position.

Don't take it for granted. That's all I can say.

Stop listening to the horror stories.

When I went back to Pennsylvania this summer, my friend Vanessa and I had sent out a mass invitation to everyone back there to try to get together - sort of an informal class reunion. On July 1, we got this message from one of our classmates, Kelly:

Hi amy & vanessa -saw the post u were in town,would hv loved to have met up w/you girls today but I was just diagnosed w/breast cancer & am having a double masectomy on Tues. Please, if you haven't had a mammo yet, please schedule one. I just went for my 1st & am thanking God I did. Its early stages & they are hoping I don't need radiation, let alone chemo. Hv a safe trip back Amy & hope to catch you next time. Xoxo

Kelly graduated with me, so she is my age. I was stunned to get this message from her - because obviously, if this could happen to her, it could happen to me as well. Luckily, her cancer was caught very early and she is doing great now - and I am so incredibly thankful for that.

A few weeks ago, she posted a link to an article about mammograms. Unfortunately, for some reason, the article now seems to have been removed, because I can't find it anywhere. I have tried the link, I have searched for it, I have done everything that I know to do, and it looks like it's gone. Basically, it said that many women do not get mammograms for one ridiculous reason:

Because other women scare us away from doing it.

Seriously? I had never thought about it before. But think about it - when you hear the word "mammogram" what do you think? I know I generally don't think of "a slightly uncomfortable test that only takes a few minutes and could potentially save my life". Instead, I think "OMG it's a boob smasher! It hurts! It takes the 'girls' and flattens them between these freezing cold plates like they've been run over by a truck! It's horrible! It hurts! It's the worst. thing. ever."

Why do women do this to each other? Why do we scare our sisters, our daughters, our best friends - out of getting a test that could save their lives?

Here are some interesting statistics according to breastcancer.org:

• About 1 in 8 U.S. women (just under 12%) will develop invasive breast cancer over the course of her lifetime. 
• For women in the U.S., breast cancer death rates are higher than those for any other cancer, besides lung cancer. 
• Besides skin cancer, breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer among American women. Just under 30% of cancers in women are breast cancers. 
• In 2011, there were more than 2.6 million breast cancer survivors in the US.
• A woman’s risk of breast cancer approximately doubles if she has a first-degree relative (mother, sister, daughter) who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. About 15% of women who get breast cancer have a family member diagnosed with it.
• About 85% of breast cancers occur in women who have no family history of breast cancer. These occur due to genetic mutations that happen as a result of the aging process and life in general, rather than inherited mutations.

After reading that now-missing article, doing some research, and talking to Kelly some more, I decided to take action for myself. It's no big secret that I don't have health insurance - which has been the other factor that has prevented me from getting a mammogram sooner. But I had heard about random programs where they could be provided for free. So I started doing some digging - and in less than 5 minutes, I found a program in the state of Kansas. I called the number for information, answered a few questions and found out that I am eligible for a free mammogram and pap smear. I called to make the appointment, and got it set up within less than 2 weeks - had it not been for the Thanksgiving holiday, it probably would have been quicker than that.

I went for the pap smear on Monday, and thought that I was getting the mammogram at the same time - which is why I had planned to write this post then. But, there was a slight breakdown in communication, and the mammogram had to be scheduled on a different day.

Today was the day. I went for my first-ever mammogram - and I did it for a couple of reasons.

1. Because I'm *cough* over 40, and I needed to get it done.
2. To see just how horrible of an experience it actually is to have done.

Let me tell you - relatively speaking, it's probably one of the easiest medical tests that I have ever had done. Ever. The technicians were friendly and amazing and funny, and they made it so easy.

The scans themselves? Painless. Completely and totally painless. I'm not going to lie and say that it was  comfortable, because it wasn't. But it didn't hurt a bit.

Basically, I had to strip from the waist up and wipe off my deodorant. They gave me a gown to wear while they explained the machine and how it would work. Then the one technician got me into position - and no, it was not weird to have someone maneuvering my breast around to get it into the right place. They're boobs, plain and simple. They've been seen by dozens of doctors and nurses before and the tech sees dozens of them every day (not to mention that she has 2 of her own) so I was not embarrassed at all. She got my left one positioned on the plate (which was not that cold), lowered the top plate a bit, scooted things around a bit to get the perfect shot, lowered it some more, I held my breath, and the xray was taken and the top plate lifted. This process was repeated 3 more times, for a total of 4 scans (2 on each side).

All in all, the whole process took maybe 15 minutes, and I was back out the door and on my way home.

Fifteen minutes. Less time than it takes to get a shower on some days.

Some women claim that it hurts so much to have a mammogram. They talk about it as though it is the most painful and horrible thing that they have ever experienced. Maybe I was lucky that it didn't hurt a bit. I've heard that those of us who are *ahem* well-endowed have it easier with mammograms, and that it does hurt more for women with smaller breasts. But still - isn't a few minutes of being uncomfortable worth it?

Maybe it hurts some women a bit - but think of how much having undetected cancer hurts. Think of the surgeries, the chemo, the radiation. Think of the anguish of watching a loved one have to go through all of it because she was too scared to get a mammogram to detect it earlier.

Luckily, Kelly's cancer was caught so early that she didn't have to go through chemotherapy or radiation. Her right side was loaded with microcalcifications and a biopsy tested positive for beginning stages of cancer. She wasn't eligible for a lumpectomy because there were so many spots, so she chose the double mastectomy. She will be monitored forever through MRIs because there is no guarantee that it won't return - but for now she is cancer-free, because it was caught so early. Imagine what her life would be like if she listened to the horror stories and put off getting it done. Her story might have a very different ending.

So please, if you don't pay attention to anything else that I ever write, pay attention to this. If you are a woman who is 40 or older, and you haven't gotten a mammogram, go get one. It's easy. It's painless. It's not scary. And the next time someone tells you that it's horrible, or painful, or terrifying - ask her if she would rather go through 15 minutes of uncomfortable or years of surgeries and treatments because someone scared her out of doing such a simple test early enough to make the treatment easier.

Right there - the most important reason of all for me to get it done.
Because I love my family - and I will do anything in my power to
be here for them.

Kelly - Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story with me, and allowing me to share it here. You are an inspiration to me, and I would not have gone and gotten this done if it wasn't for you. So I thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

We are a community.

When I started this blog back in January, I had no idea what I wanted to do with it. None. A friend suggested it, I thought that it sounded like fun, and so I did it. While I am nowhere near a big blog, I am always surprised at the number of people who follow what I have to say.

Of course, some of them are my friends or family, and they probably follow me because I told them to. Some are friends of theirs. I look at the lists of people who follow this blog and most of the time, I can't figure out who in the heck they are.

As I started following other blogs, those bloggers started following me back. That's kind of cool. :)

(I'm going into Vague Mode for a little bit - bear with me.)

Right after I started blogging, I started following the blog of a certain celebrity. I noticed that the followers of that blog would not only comment on the blog, but would also have conversations amongst themselves and had formed a tight little group of friends - all through comments on a blog.

Of course, by commenting on a blog, it leaves a link back to your own blog in your profile. So as I joined in on this little group of commenters on the celebrity's blog, the other commenters saw my blog and I saw theirs - and some of us started following each other.

One of these 'blogging friends' made the announcement that her 34 year old daughter had been diagnosed with colon cancer. 34 years old? She's younger than I am was my first thought. She has kids was my second thought. She has started going through chemo, but as anyone knows, it's not a cheap process - especially when there are travel expenses involved. Her mother blogged one day about some tshirts that had been made - friends and family members bought them for 2 reasons: to help defray expenses, and to show her daughter (through photos of them wearing them in front of their houses) that regardless of where they were, they were fighting the fight with her.

Of course I got one. Why wouldn't I?

The majority of the blogs that I follow are parenting blogs - and I love how we have gotten to "know" each other. Whether through comments on a particular post, or through conversations on facebook, we learn about each other. We support each other through the rough times, celebrate during the good times, and amuse each other when we are bored. We ask for and offer advice on everything from potty training to getting more followers and everything in between.

I never expected any of this when I started. I remember my friend saying I bet you can get 30 followers in no time at all and I laughed at her. I never expected to become part of a community like this. Hell, I never thought that anyone would even read anything that I had to say.

But it has happened, and it's real, and I love it. I am thankful for the bloggers (and followers) who I have "met" during this process. I look forward to meeting some of you in real life at some point (no, I'm not a crazy stalker - but a few of us have talked about getting together).

And I'm just happy that we can support each other like we do.

NOTE: I went into Vague Mode to protect the identities of my friend and her daughter as they go through this difficult time in their lives. If either one of them chooses to reveal their identities, that is up to them. I won't do it, and would like to ask that our mutual friends not do it either - leave it up to them if they want to do so. Thanks!

RIP Uncle Sam

October 22, 1937 - October 5, 2011


It's been many years since I've seen him - I think it may have been in 2000 when I went back for my Aunt Doris' funeral. As a child, I remember Uncle Sam being tall, so tall....and he was big. Not fat, just big! And he had this huge booming voice that let everyone know what he thought - whether you wanted to know or not! And he was always bald, or nearly bald. I remember being slightly terrified of him when I was younger, simply because he was larger than life.

I remember his house - the only one that I ever remember him and Aunt Dorothy living in. It was an old Victorian home, and it was made at least partially of stone. There was a stone wall in the yard with an archway in it, and I always thought that it was the coolest. thing. ever.

I should have gone to see him and Aunt Dorothy when we were back in Pennsylvania, but I didn't. No excuses - I just didn't. And that's something that I will always regret.

But now, for him there is no more cancer. No more doctors poking and prodding. No more pain.

Just peace.