It's been a while...

I've been seriously neglecting this old blog of mine, and it's really been bothering me lately. But the thing is, when I think of something that I want to say I usually just spout it off in a long-winded facebook post instead of taking the time to sit down and actually write about it.

I'm hoping to change that. But like anything else, I have to make time for it to happen.

I asked for suggestions as to write about the other night, and my running seemed to be a pretty common theme - which is interesting considering that the last time I blogged anything, it was about running.

I generally don't think of my running as anything special. It's something that I started doing maybe 7 years ago, and mainly because I had people tell me that I was too fat and lazy to ever do it (no, those people are not in my life anymore). I didn't really take it seriously until about the last 2-3 years or so - and now it's something that is more important to me than I ever realized it could be.

Back in 2011, when I was just starting to get into running, I did my first half-marathon. I walked most of it, but I did it. And later that summer, I looked something like this.....

This picture actually just surfaced. The kids and I had gone on TMOART:11 (back before The Dude existed) and one of them snapped this picture of me coming down the steps from the Gateway Arch in St. Louis. They were using disposable cameras, and we just got them developed the other day - so seeing this picture was a shock.

Even though I've seen numerous pictures of me in a less than stellar light, my size still shocks me at times. I never really thought that I had gained that much weight, but I had.

I don't talk about my depression much (if ever) but if I'm being totally honest, my weight gain was a direct result of it. The stress of two failed marriages, being a single mother of 5 kids, and not having any clue how I was going to pay my bills got to me. I didn't do anything to stay active, and as anyone who has ever been poor knows - crappy food is way cheaper than healthy stuff. So I ate the cheap crap and tried to feed my kids the better stuff.

Eventually, the funk started to lift. I started walking more. And then I started running a little bit. I'd walk a block, then run a block, walk a block, run a block. And then I'd walk a block and run two blocks, then three, then four. Soon, I was running more than I was walking, but I still wasn't picking up speed. But eventually, I got to the point that I started getting faster.

And then I started really enjoying the races. The adrenaline rush is like no other. And the running community is fantastic - it doesn't matter if you're the first runner or the last walker to cross the line - someone will be there waiting for you and cheering for you as you cross the finish.

One of my favorite things about running is that it doesn't have to cost a fortune. When I started, I wore my normal shorts and tshirts and cheap running shoes. I used a free app on my phone to track my distance (RunKeeper - and I still use it to this day) and I didn't even have anything to play music. I just ran.

As time went on and I started getting more into it, I did buy some specific clothes - mostly tights and compression shorts because face it  - unless you have a thigh gap, chafing is real. And it hurts. And it makes you walk funny for days until it heals. (FYI - diaper rash ointment helps. You're welcome.)

Good shoes were my next major purchase - but it still took me a while to work up the guts to pay more than $50 for a pair of sneakers. So far my favorite pair is my current pair - the Brooks Ghosts that I bought after running the Nebraska State Fair Half Marathon last fall. But I know that I'm going to need to replace them soon, and the cost of a new pair scares me. Because I'm cheap.

I did splurge this year and I bought a membership to the Y. I didn't really want to spend the money, but with the crazy Kansas weather, I need a way to train indoors. The kids can go with me and they can swim or shoot hoops or play ping pong or do whatever they want to do to keep themselves amused while I pound out some miles on the treadmill or the elliptical or whatever other torture device I decide to use that day. Emily and I have a goal right now to run every day - even if it's just a mile - and so far we've been able to stick to it (and I have this nifty calendar on my bedroom wall to track my progress toward that goal).

As of right now, I think I'm only signed up for 3 races this year - both of the Prairie Fire Half Marathons in Wichita (one in April and one in October) because those are my traditional races that I will always always do until I can't do them anymore, and the Stupid Cupid 2 mile run in Wichita that is in just a few weeks. I haven't signed up for any more yet because, let's face it - the races get expensive. There are several more that I plan to do, but they haven't opened up registration yet so I have to wait and see what happens financially between now and then.

I'm trying to work up the guts to do a full marathon, but I'm just not there yet.....

For the last couple of months of 2016, I all but gave up on running. I slipped into a downward spiral, and I struggled a lot more than I'd like to admit. I didn't do much of anything unless I had to do it for survival and I gained a bunch of weight back. It took a lot of soul-searching and willpower and sheer stubbornness to get me back out there again to do a run on New Year's Eve, but I did it. I think Emily and I did a mile. And then we set our goal to run daily. There have been days when she's had to almost literally drag me out of bed to go, but we've gone. And if she's over at her father's house she runs over there and I run here and we compare notes. Now there is a challenge going on here in our town and I'm participating in that - and so my competitive side is coming out and I'm starting to really enjoy it again. And thankfully the scale is starting to show it too.

I think that the thing that amazes me the most is that at several points in my life, I had people telling me that I was too fat and lazy to ever run - and now people tell me that I have inspired them to run.

It's really kind of surreal.

Too Close to Home

This came up on my calendar today, and the timing of it couldn't have been better.

If you've been following the news (or my page) you know that there was a mass shooting very close to here just a few days ago.

So close that the cops tore past my house so fast that I couldn't even tell what color the cars were.

So close that I raced around town, picking my kids up from various places to make sure that they were home and safe.

So close that we locked our doors - something that we never do - until we knew for a fact that the shooter acted alone and was down.

So close that I couldn't tear myself away from the media coverage, my eyes searching the crowds on TV, trying to spot anyone that I knew to make sure that they were safe.

So close that one of my acquaintances was among the injured, and I recognized the name of one of those killed.

So close that I had no choice but to explain to my kids what had actually happened.

Too close.  Entirely too close.

The day after the shooting, it was revealed that the shooter had been served a PFA (Protection From Abuse order, AKA a restraining order) about 90 minutes before he went on his rampage. His former girlfriend filed it on him, alleging that he had physically abused her on at least one occasion.

As soon as that information was released, the discussion of domestic violence began. And of course it's impossible not to read the comments when articles like that are posted. And of course the discussions and the resulting comments and arguments and victim blaming brought back all sorts of not-so-fun stuff from my past - and it's been eating me alive for days now.

For the most part, I'm over it. Yes, I was a victim of domestic violence. Yes, it was horrible. But my life doesn't revolve around it. It is a part of my past, but it doesn't define me, because I won't allow it to do that. It's not something that I normally talk about on a daily basis - but every now and then, something brings it back to the surface and it eats at me. I think back to all of the reasons why I stayed for so long, and I relive certain moments and I feel the pain and the heartache all over again. And then I look at where I am now and realize that no matter how bleak things appeared to be at the time, I'm in such a good place now. But it's a constant battle in my head - between remembering the horrible times in the past and appreciating the good ones now.

And I know that as a community, we are strong. We are so incredibly strong. The outpouring of support from surrounding areas has been amazing and humbling. Our little rural area of Kansas has been thrust into the national spotlight, and we are shining through the darkness.

At the same time that all of this was happening, probably even within the same 24-hour period, I found out that not only is one of my friends dying from cancer - but so is another one. I knew about the first one. At least I knew that he was sick, but to receive the news that it had progressed so far so fast hit me like a freight train. The second one? I had no clue. I totally missed the posts about her condition until I went looking for her to ask her a question, and found out that she's dying. The freight train backed up and hit me a second time. Once again, I'm standing here questioning everything. Why do these things happen? Why is it always the good guys? Why can't we all just get along and why can't everyone live long and healthy and happy lives? Why does life have to be so damned hard?

It's been a rough few days, to say the least. I've been forcing myself to go out and run even when I didn't want to - because I know if I don't, I'll just sit here and eat everything and be lazy and be miserable and slide down into that hole that I try so hard to avoid. But luckily I have my Sole Sis/Slave Driver who keeps me going. She keeps forcing me to run, but that's what I need right now - because I know that if I don't get out and run, I'll feel like crap from sitting around like a lump. If I do run, I still feel like crap, but it's a good kind of crap (if that makes any sense at all). And the running is getting easier, and I do feel better - and that helps so much with the mental stuff right now.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. That's all that any of us can do. Keep going, don't stop, and eventually we'll get through all of the crap.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

#HesstonStrong

Randomness.

Just because. I'm in the mood to write, but I can't get my mind to go in one direction, so you're getting random thoughts. I want to get back into the habit of writing regularly, but I'm having issues with it....

So apparently it's Wine Day or something. Like I need an excuse.

OK, that makes me sound like a lush, and I'm really not - but I like wine. And there are days when I'd like nothing better than to kick back with a bottle and just relax and get over the day.

Today is one of those days. So I'm partaking. And I'll hate myself in a few hours when the alarm goes off, but whatever.

I didn't have a good time at the gym this morning. Not that any time spent on the treadmill is necessarily a good time, but today really sucked. I fully intended to do 3-4 miles when I got there and after 2 miles I hit the 'stop' button and quit. I just couldn't do it. But on the flip side, my sole sis and I have really kind of pushed it this week and we're tired. So tomorrow is officially a rest day - at least from running. Not like I'll actually rest....

I haven't been writing. I miss it. I have tons of things that I want to write about, but I have a million reasons excuses why I haven't written lately. The ridiculous Tooth Fairy Letter made a ridiculous comeback and as usual, the haters came out of the woodwork to remind me yet again what a horrible mother I am. And yeah, as much as I try not to let it get to me the comments still sting a bit. There were a few that really got under my skin, and I might address them at some point. Or not. Haven't decided on that one yet.

Things with Mom Cave Designs have been gaining speed. That's a good thing. Getting weighted blankets out to people that need them has been amazing and enlightening and overwhelming and eye-opening, among other things. I love that I'm able to do it. I really do. I have ideas and plans and all sorts of fun stuff in my head but I just haven't had time to put them into action yet. I need an assistant. An assistant with deep pockets would be great, but for now I'd just take any old assistant.

The weather right now is awesome here in the middle of the country. I'll take shorts and bare feet in February and not complain about it.

Life is good. Life is really good. There are so many things going on right now and I can't even begin to explain all of them. For real.

And finally, cancer sucks. Seriously. Cancer sucks ass. I'm sick and tired of it taking the good guys. Just for once, I'd like to see it take one of the assholes - but no. Not today. Today, it took one of the good guys. He was an acquaintance, a facebook friend, a fellow alumni from my high school - not a "friend" per se, but still.....it sucks. RIP, Dave.

And with that.....I'm done for tonight. I'm going to try to write on a more semi-regular basis again.......but "try" is the operative word here. Life is crazy. We'll see what happens.

Putting it out there

This is my "running shelf".

The finisher medals that I've gotten are hanging on the left side. All of my bibs are hanging on the right. In the middle is my battered old Penn State hat and my belt that I use to hold my phone and keys when I run. The top has various other doodads, like my watch and mp3 player...and for some reason a little ceramic bowl that one of the kids made is there too.

This shelf is in my bedroom (note the festive - and very stained - wallpaper) directly between my closet and bathroom doors. I see it many times each and every day, which is part of the reason why I put it there.

Although I haven't been doing it as much lately, I do enjoy running (sort of). It's hard, and it makes me hurt (mostly in a good way), and I grumble about doing it - but it's something that I never expected to be able to do and it's something that many people over the years told me that I couldn't do.

But I can do it. I'm not fast, and I'm never going to break any records, but I can do it.

I can do it.

And I'm going to keep doing it. And I'm going to do it more.

I've fought with my weight a lot over the years, and it's gone up and down within about a 40 pound range over the past 10 years or so. Without disclosing the actual number, I'll just say that right now I'm about 25 pounds over where I want to be.

My birthday is in about 2 1/2 months (*cough*72 days*cough*). I'll be 45.

While running with a group of friends this morning, I voiced something that has been bouncing around in my head for a few weeks now. And now I'm going to put it in writing.

I am going to lose 25 pounds before my birthday.

I'm doing it because I want to. I know where my ideal weight is, and it's actually a little beyond that 25 pounds. But getting rid of that first 25 is a good, realistic start. And if I can when I get that done, it's going to mean something.

It's going to mean that I finally took control of my eating and exercise habits.

It's going to mean that I have proved to myself that there are better ways to deal with crappy days than eating myself stupid.

It's going to mean that I'm going to be healthier than I am now.

It's going to mean that I've forced myself to not hide in the house as soon as the weather turned cold.

It's going to mean that I was able to make a promise to myself and actually keep it.

And it's going to mean that I can tell myself I TOLD YOU SO.

If I was a hashtag person, I'd call it #25by45. But I'm not, so I won't.

But watch me, because I'm going to do this. And I'm going to rock it.

A push

I got pushed today. Not really pushed, but more like shoved. And smacked around a bit.

It actually started about a week ago. I'm in a whole bunch of groups on facebook, but one of them is a small group of local ladies who all run. I met several of them when I did the half-marathon in October, and they are awesome. But since that race, I haven't done anything to get in shape, or to even maintain the bleh shape that I was in when I did that race. Nothing. I haven't even gone for a walk.

So....like I said, a week-ish ago, this post caught my eye.....

Two miles a day for 2 weeks, I thought. I might be able to do that. So I agreed.

Of course, when I agreed, the weather was decent. Today, on the first day of the challenge? Yeah. Not so much.

I thought about waiting until later in the day (notice the time on that shot is 7:35am), but I had so much going on that I knew that if I didn't do it as soon as I dropped the kids off at school, I wasn't going to do it. And if I missed the first day, then I wouldn't do the challenge at all - because that's the way that my mind works. And I also knew that I had an appointment at 9am so if I was going to do it, I had to do it right then and there. I threw on an extra layer of clothes, cursed the girls in that group as I felt them virtually shove me out the door, and took off.

It. was. cold.

OMG it was cold. There was just enough wind that it was absolutely miserable as I started walking into it, and I came *thisclose* to turning around and going straight back to the house. But, it was a challenge. And I knew that if I got going, once I got to a certain point on my predetermined route, I could turn and have the wind at my back.

And then my mind started to wander in typical brain dump fashion. I'm not going to bore you with the total stream of consciousness train of thought that went in a bajillion different directions at a speed that blew my mind, but it was intense.

Ultimately, I thought about how parents tend to always put their kids first. I mean, really, who wouldn't? We have these little humans that depend on us for everything (more or less) and so we have to make sure that they're taken care of because that's our job, right? And we run ourselves ragged taking care of them and doing the things that parents do because it's what we're supposed to do and it's what we're expected to do - and we put ourselves last, sometimes to our own detriment.

I am so guilty of this, as most people know. I don't do squat for myself except maybe sit on my butt on the couch with a glass of wine once in a while (speaking of which...... I'm thirsty). And while taking care of the kids is all well and good (and ultimately, necessary) I realized....

I have to start taking better care of myself.

It seriously hit me like a smack upside the head. It's something that I've always known in the back of my mind, but I've ignored it because it seems like anytime parents (and yes, especially a mom) put themselves first, they are ripped to shreds by society. They are called selfish, self-centered, irresponsible, or bad parents.

I have been called all sorts of horrible names in the past because I am grateful when the kids go back to school after a long weekend or summer break. It's not that I want to get rid of my kids, but it's because I know that I can use that time away from them to work on things that *I* need to do to make me a better parent. Sometimes, it's mundane tasks like folding laundry and scrubbing toilets because I know that if I get those done while the kids are gone, I can spend more quality time with them when they return. And sometimes it's things like going for a run or taking a nap, because I need some time to do something that is completely and totally for me and for me only.

But even those things that I do for me and for me only end up benefiting the kids because guess what? When I get to do them, I'm in a better mood.

Better mood = better mom.

And seriously, who can argue with that train of thought when a view like this is staring you in the face while it's happening?

I came back from that run this morning feeling like it was ok to want to get back into running again. Like it's ok to finally commit to doing something for myself. Like maybe, just maybe, I can actually succeed at this 2-week challenge, and then continue on from there.

It's amazing how much my perspective can change in one 33 minute chunk of time.

And maybe, just maybe, in 2 weeks I can shave more than a few minutes off of that pathetic time. Assuming that I don't freeze a few limbs off in the process.

70 days

I need to get my butt in gear. Literally.

I have 70 days to prepare to do my next half-marathon.

I did the first one in 3:13:32 on May 1, 2011.

I did the second one in 3:12:05 on April 29, 2012 in the pouring rain.

My third one is on May 5, 2013.

I have the same 3 goals as last year:

• finish upright, and not in a body bag,
• beat my time from last year, and
• finish in under 3 hours.

I only improved my time last year by 27 seconds. I'd like to shave that 12:05 off this time and do it in under 3 hours, but I have to get moving. Seriously. I don't know why I've been putting it off for so long.

I've actually been using every excuse in the book. I'm too busy to go out and run. It's too cold. It's too hot. It's raining. It's snowing. My sneakers have a hole in them. 

I'm done with the excuses. I have no choice in the matter. Granted, the boys will be home from school again tomorrow so that will make it impossible to get out there (not to mention the now 7-10" of white stuff that is supposed to fall) but I've got to at least start watching what I eat and trying to do some working out at home on the days that I can't get out and run.

I need to do this. My physical AND mental health need it. I need to get out of this funk and the best medicine for me is to get outside and run and have a good old-fashioned brain dump.

No more excuses. 

One of those days...

It's been one of THOSE days. You know the kind.

First off, the weather was AMAZING. Beyond amazing. 70+ degrees worth of amazing. Of course it didn't start out quite that warm first thing this morning, but it was still nice enough that I finally forced myself outside and managed to get in a 3 mile walk.

Seriously. 70 degrees. In Kansas. In January.

Crazy stuff.

The Dude had to do some work on his truck today, and he needed my hacksaw (don't ask) to do it - not to mention that it's easier to do it in my yard than it is to do it in his, so he came over this afternoon.

We got to spend a little bit of time together before I had to go and get the boys from school.

It was so nice outside that I basically told the boys that they were NOT allowed to come back inside until I had supper ready and on the table. It's so rare to have days like this, and they needed to be outside to burn off some energy and get some exercise.

I was working on supper and was standing at the kitchen sink doing some dishes, and I looked out the window. The view was so incredibly amazing, and I realized just how awesome my life really is - even though I don't always admit it.

I mean really - right there, outside the window - there it is. The love of my life, working on his truck while the kids played nearby. Granted, it would have been better with all of the kids here (and if he wasn't working on that blasted truck) but still - it honestly took my breath away and I just stood there and watched and smiled. And when supper was ready, they all came inside and we sat down and we ate... and then The Dude went home and I got the boys in the tub and ready for bed.

It's definitely not the life that I had planned on having. It's crazy and chaotic and there's a lot of drama and stress at times. But it's my life, and I love it.

It's been one of those days.....that shows me just how lucky I really am.

The randomness that was my day.

Holy wow. This has been a super productive day.

I managed to get up a little bit earlier than usual (ick) and got all of my bills paid (yay) before I took the boys to school, and then I took off and headed out for my walk that I promised myself. It was a chilly 30ish degrees when I left the house, so I had to bundle up a bit - but it was beautiful and sunny and it felt so incredible to get back out there again.

I always wonder how this tree stays upright...

Winter wheat poking through the ground...

Always the height of fashion *snort*

Old sign

Part of "my" trail. It's so much prettier when things are green.

 6.23 miles and a quick shower later, and I got my act together enough to go get gas in the van and go pick up The Dude so that we could go grocery shopping. We decided to head to a discount grocery store, and at the same time met up with a friend who was collecting coats for the homeless - so we both got rid of some stuff that's been gathering dust in our closets. Bonus!

It might not look like a ton of groceries, but it's more than 3/4 of what was on my list for the month, and it only cost about $124 - by the time I get the rest, and with the odds and ends that I'll have to pick up throughout the month, we might get by with only spending about $200 on groceries - definitely a score at the grocery store!

On the way back home from the grocery store, I decided that I was going to splurge a bit. I don't drink very often, but lately I've been in the mood for some wine so I stopped at the liquor store. I wandered up and down the aisles before I picked - and yes, I picked these based solely on their names.

I'm a little lot more twisted than I what I usually
admit to on here. Don't judge.

I also managed to get a bunch of laundry done, make some cookies for the kids' lunches, and get a Christmas tree. Granted, the tree is still on the front porch, but at least we have it in our possession.

8 feet of fabulous, wonderful-smelling, glorious
TREE!

And finally - another one to add to the "my kids can sleep anywhere" files...

Let the (basketball) chaos begin...

Today started out entirely too early.

Sunrise. As beautiful as they are, I'd like to sleep through
one once in a while.

I had to have the herd up and fed and dressed and out the door by 7:30 in order to get Jared to a basketball clinic - which is the official kickoff for the season for him. This is his first year playing, and he's looking forward to it like crazy - but it was so funny watching him out there because he is TINY compared to the rest of the boys. But, he had fun and at this point, that's all that matters.

The ball really is bouncing - just doesn't look like it!

He gets the "Tongue Out Concentration" from me -
I admit it.

We had to leave him at the clinic so that I could take Emily across the parking lot to the other school for a parent meeting for HER basketball stuff. Her practices haven't started yet, but this was just the typical pre-season stuff that we've sat through more than a few times already. It's going to be insane with both of them playing in the rec league and then Sarah on the school team.....but insanity is my life at this point.

Then we went down the street for Emily to run in a 5K. Originally both of the girls had signed up for it, but Sarah decided at the last minute that she didn't want to do it. I wanted to, but I didn't have anyone to watch the boys so I got to just watch for a change. After the runners took off, we walked around for a while and then stopped at the library to kill some time until Emily got done running.

And they're off!

Jared decided to chase them as they came back through town.

And heading for the finish - in midair.

The weather was gorgeous - windy, but gorgeous. And oh-so-warm too. But, that didn't last.

Uh huh. In November.

Shorts. In November.

Need to tweak your archery skills for the
zombie apocalypse? WalHell has your
practice targets!

After she got done with the race we came back home for a quick lunch, then had to take Alex out to meet up with some of the Scouts to sell some more popcorn. While he was there, we did some quick shopping, then came back home thinking that we had a couple of hours until we had to pick him up again. Instead, we got the call to pick him up early because (1) he "lost his attention span" and (2) it was just too windy to be outside much longer. So we went and grabbed him then came home and I got to watch some football before making supper.

Then baths....then cleanup....then bedtime for kids.




And then the fireworks started outside...

Screen grab from some video that I shot.

Can't see a whole lot in this video, but you can hear the wind. Sort of. It was pretty intense for about 30 minutes or so, but kind of disappointing for someone who loves a good thunderstorm as much as I do.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

After I went off on my little rant this morning, I decided to go out and take a walk. I had made a promise to myself that I was going to do at least 15 miles this week and up until this morning, I had done exactly zero of that. I wasn't really in the mood to go, but I did.

I'm going to let the pictures do most of the talking on this one. And yeah, there's going to be lots of them.

Hard to believe that this is actually in the city limits.

I took my path that I love to walk on, and I've never noticed this before.

Yay! Someone built a bridge! I don't have to try to balance on
a log anymore!!!

Still a little overgrown from the summer - why I haven't taken this path
for a while.

Love this "tunnel".

Hard to really see it, but that's a really
steep dropoff.

Not the place to lose your balance.

It was just absolutely gorgeous outside. Amazing.

Narrow trail, steep dropoff.
Focus.....

Dry creek bed

Can you see it? Squint your eyes and look really hard, right
in the center of the picture.....

.....can you see him now?

Old - but still working - railroad bridge.

Under the bridge.

Hopefully, once I get all of the kids to school in the morning, I can go walk again - it definitely helped my mood to get out there and do it although I am a bit sore now. Then Sarah has her first basketball games tomorrow evening - and that just starts the chaos of the next 4-5 days. It's going to be interesting to see how we get through all of this....and I'm sure that there will be some random rants and vents coming from me in the meantime!