The house and stuff

As a continuation of the questions that people asked the other night, I figured I'd go with the topic of the house.

Honestly, this whole I Now Own A House thing is still so surreal. I catch myself smiling as I drive down the street toward it, thinking "Hey, that's a pretty cool house over there on the corner. Well, would you look at that? It's mine." Seriously. I have conversations in my head like that on a regular basis.

"I'm going to stroll down my hallway into my bedroom past my walk-in closet and go to my bathroom to use my toilet." Then I sit on the toilet and look around and think "Yeah, I think I'm going to rip this tile out of here and just paint the walls - because you know, it's MINE."

"I think I'm going to rip this hideous bush out of the flowerbed and plant something else, just because I can."

"I'm going to put my garden over there. No, I want my clothesline there. The garden can go over THERE."

It's an odd feeling, this MINE thing.

But at the same time, it brings a whole host of frustrations. I had help with the actual move, as in relocating stuff from the old house to here. But that's pretty much where it ended. The Dude hasn't been able to do a whole bunch because of medical stuff, so the majority of it has been on me. For the most part, I'm ok with that. I'm a bit of a control freak about some a lot of most stuff. What's hard though is when I ask for help, and there's no one there for whatever reason. Tonight, with Alex's help (you know, the 8 year old who just had a skin graft done on Monday?) I was able to move the pool table out of the way so that I could get the floor underneath it painted - I have been trying and trying to get help with that, but .... yeah. It's moved. The floor is primed. I should be able to paint it and get the pool table put back by the end of the weekend, with or without help from a grown-up. I also pulled everything out of Jared's room and primed his floor so that I can get his room done too.

(And before any of my local friends get offended, this isn't aimed at anyone in particular. Got it?)

I still have a ton of work to do yet. I have to finish the basement, which involves a few more steps to getting the floor done, then moving the massive pile of craft stuff out of the living room and sorting it out down there, to actually getting my craft stuff set up so that I can catch up on projects whose due dates passed MONTHS ago - literally. I am desperate to get my basement done just so that I can catch up on everything and get stuff out to the people who are waiting for it.

But honestly, looking around this place makes me realize again how lucky I am. I talked the other night about how I can afford to own a house and even though I know that for at least right now, I don't have to worry about having the money to make the payment every month, I feel a responsibility to make improvements on the house to make it acceptable (in my eyes) for the kids. I have a fear that something big is going to break and I'm not going to have the money to fix it. For example, the central air is acting a little wonky right now - and I'm terrified that it's going to cost me a lot of money when realistically it's probably something stupid. But I'm doing something amazing here - I bought a house. Me. Just me. Alone. It's mine.

And that, to me, is so amazing that I can't even begin to explain. I just can't. There are no words.

At the same time though, while it's mine on paper - realistically The Dude and I bought it together. We looked at every house together and we discussed everything and made every decision as a couple. He doesn't live here - yet - but ultimately, this is going to be the home that we share. He has had a bunch of health issues over the past few months that have put some kinks in some of our plans - but the plans are still there. For now, I am doing the physical stuff - and he is my biggest and loudest cheerleader. We are working toward combining households, but there are so many things that have to happen in order to get there.

Finally for the million dollar question about whether or not we'll ever get married.....I still say never.

(If you want some background on that, you can check out this post and then this post to get the basic understanding.)

Marriage still terrifies me to no end. The Dude and I have now been together for almost 2 1/2 years, and life is good. We don't get to spend nearly enough time together for a myriad of reasons, and I'll be totally honest and admit that I've been picking fights with him - but I'm going to blame it on stress and not seeing enough of each other and stress. I get pissed, I get unreasonable and obnoxious and hateful and yell at him, and he calls me out on it and then we kiss and make up. And then I sit here and wonder "what just happened?" and "why is he still here?" Bottom line is that he IS still here - and that in and of itself is terrifying to me because it's making me think that maybe he really IS planning on sticking around for the long haul.

Even after 2 1/2 years, I'm still getting used to the idea that he's not going to walk away any time soon - but that's still not enough to convince my overly dense head that he might just stay around forever.

One day at a time. It applies to so many things right now.

Dear House...

I left you today.

When I found you, I was desperate. I had no place to go. I searched and searched to try to find a place that would work for my family, and I couldn't find anything. Finally, you came along. When the kids and I walked in and looked around, we knew right away that we could use you, even if it wasn't going to be very comfortable. The landlord was willing to work with a single mom with 5 kids and no income, even if it meant that he would have to wait for the rent payments to come through the homeless prevention program that was assisting me.

Emotionally, I was at an all-time low in my life. Depression had truly gotten the best of me, and I didn't know what I was going to do next. My church family moved us - seriously, they packed up our stuff and moved us because I just couldn't do it. Honestly, I don't know if they even realized the extent of the darkness surrounding me at that point in my life. Whether they did or not, they stepped up and rescued me.

I remember standing in the middle of the living room as people moved in and out, carrying boxes and bags and piling them up in any empty space they could find. When you were packed completely full, they started stacking stuff on the porches. I sobbed as the amount of stuff in such a tiny place seemed to swallow me alive.

It took what seemed like forever for me to get my act together and get things straightened up and organized. I donated tons of stuff to get rid of it and make room, because going from a 2 story 4 bedroom house with an office and tons of storage, to you with only 2 bedrooms and zero storage made downsizing not only necessary, but mandatory. It felt good to get rid of so much crap - both literally and figuratively, because as I got rid of some of it, I felt the emotional baggage go along with it.

As time went on, I started to see the light. I got my stuff organized and I got my feelings organized. I started living life again. I filed for divorce and waited patiently for it to become final, which would happen on my 40th birthday. And 20 days after that, my ex-husband died and I boarded one of the biggest, scariest, longest lasting emotional rollercoasters ever created. His death was the last thing that I ever wanted, the last thing I ever expected, and easily one of the hardest things that I have ever had to go through in my life.

I spent hours sitting at the table in your kitchen, dealing with Social Security and pensions and death benefits and bill collectors and the IRS, trying to make sense of it all. And when I couldn't focus anymore, I'd fall over on the futon in the corner of your living room and sleep for a few hours until I had to get up and face another day.

Within your walls, I started to rebuild my life. I started dating, and then I stopped to deal with the emotions of his death. And then I started to live again.

I helped my kids with their homework. I did their laundry and packed their lunches and baked their birthday cakes. I planted flowers and cut the grass and replaced light switches. I canned sand plums and strawberry jam and applesauce. I fixed the She-Beast time and time again in your driveway. I held my kids while they cried and I disciplined them when they needed it and kissed their boo-boos that they got from playing in the yard. I started dating this crazy guy and then fell in love with him and even got up the nerve to tell him that I loved him in the front room in the wee hours of the morning before a road trip to Kansas City to take a friend to the airport.

And through all of this, I learned so much about myself. I learned just how strong I can really be - and at the same time that I don't have to always be so strong. I learned that I can take care of myself and my family, but that it is also ok to ask for help once in a while - or to accept it when it is offered. I learned that if you want something bad enough, you can get it - even if it takes a lot of time, effort, and patience to get there.

As we've been packing up our lives and moving stuff out over the past few weeks, I've been hit with emotional waves more often than I'd care to admit. As much as I complained about how small you were and OMG Why Can't We Have A House With More Than One Toilet, I loved you dearly. You were there for me in so many ways, not just as a house, but as a home, a shelter, and a place to grow.

There are so many amazing memories that happened within your walls. But what I will remember most is that I found the most important thing in my life within your walls.

I found myself.

The Ghetto-esque House
Sept. 1, 2010 - March 7, 2014

697 days

We reached a milestone today.

697 days.

Daniel was born on June 10, 2007. On May 6, 2009 - I told his father to leave our home for the last time ... 697 days later.

Daniel and I met The Dude for the first time on November 25, 2011 - 697 days ago.

As of today, The Dude has been a part of Daniel's life longer than his biological father was.

It's bittersweet for both of us. I asked The Dude today what he thought about it and his response was "conflicted". He's glad to be a part of Daniel's life, but at the same time he feels bad that Daniel will never get to know his father.

Honestly, it's the same for me. I know that his father loved him. I know that he had the potential to be a great father. But it just didn't happen that way. The addiction was too much to overcome and it tore our family apart before it took him away from us forever.

But, we have a good life now. We have come so far as a family and we are finally in a good place. The Dude has been amazing to all of us. Daniel looks to him as a father and I am so incredibly thankful for that. He knows that he has another father - but he also knows that The Dude is there for him and loves him even though there isn't a biological connection.

At his age, Daniel doesn't realize the significance of today. I've been thinking about it for weeks, because not only do I realize what this means for Daniel, but I realize what it means for me. I never dreamed that I would allow anyone to become such a huge part of our lives, but yet somehow, The Dude has wormed his way in and he still claims that he plans on staying. We have gone through so much crap in the past few months between work schedules and house hunting and injuries and illnesses and vehicle breakdowns and stress and chaos and panic - and yet we're still hanging in there (and creeping dangerously close to our 2 year anniversary) and doing everything that we can to care for our family - even if it's split between a couple of different residences for a few more months.

Life is good. Crazy, chaotic, and not always predictable, but it's good.

You asked.....

Just in case you don't follow me on facebook, every now and then I ask people on there to ask me questions, and then I answer them in a blog post. I did that tonight, and this is what they asked me:

Michael asked: why are you so damn awesome? 

Ha. I'm not. The people who read this blog - they are the awesome ones. I just blab and ramble about my normal life, which is totally NOT awesome, but the interactions with the people who read it are what make it all worth it. THEY are the awesome ones, not me.

Erica asked: How do you feel about the tooth fairy letters fame? (I love it btw and will totally use it with my kiddos) 

Honestly, I hate it. I seriously wrote that thing in about 30 seconds and never expected anything to come of it, but it did. And it keeps resurfacing. And I keep getting bashed for it, even though Emily thought that it was funny. But, it is what it is and I can't change it now. So when I see it posted somewhere, I link my blog posts about it in the comments and just let it go - I honestly try not to follow it because more times than not, I'm getting bashed for my parenting skills over one piece of paper floating around the internet.

Michelle asked: Are you freaking out about Monday? I have faith 

Yes and no. I honestly think that the thing that I'm the most worried about is that The Dude is taking on so much responsibility with my kids. The job scares me, yes. The hours scare me, yes. But I know that this is going to be such a huge change for my family, and that scares me more than anything. However, this has come at the most perfect time, and too many things are falling into place at the right time so I can't ignore them. I have to go for it.

Jennifer asked: What are some of the worst things you've seen at work? I want details! (well, not too many details.. but, ya know)

I honestly think that the bare crotch coming through the drive-thru was the worst. Seriously, I can't get that one out of my head. Cover yourselves, people!

Lavinia asked: why is life more complicated than it has to be?

That, my friend, is the million dollar question. But at the same time, I think that people tend to make things more difficult than they need to be. Life is life - whatever is going to happen is going to happen,  and most of the time there is nothing that we can do to change it. Roll with the punches, don't worry about what might happen and deal with it as it comes. One day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes one second at a time - do what needs to be done to get through the moment, and then deal with the rest as it happens.

Bianca asked: Favourite movies? Two categories: with the kids, just you (or you'n'The Dude). 

For me alone, I can watch just about anything except for sci-fi/fantasy types. I'm a sucker for a good horror flick (yes, even alone) but I also love the typical "chick flicks", dramas, comedies, whatever. When it's me and The Dude, we tend to watch more zombie movies (his choice, but I deal with it) or whatever looks good. He's awesome though, and will willingly sit through a chick flick if that's what I'm in the mood to watch.

Heather asked: How do you manage to do all that you do on so little sleep?!? Because I am cranky butthole without it!!!

At this point in my life, it's just become normal for me. Ever since I split from Ex1 almost 9 years ago, I've lived on very little sleep. Right after we separated, I was working full-time plus a part-time job, and I just got used to it. I run so much during the day and evening that the only time that I have time for myself is at night after the kids go to bed. I know that it's not the best situation for me, so when I finally crash and sleep for 12+ hours at a time, I don't fight it much. Caffeine is my friend.

Maria asked: With how long you an the dude have been together do you think marriage is a possability ever?

We have officially been together for just over 20 months (wait, how did THAT happen?) and while I can easily see spending the rest of my life with him, I just can't see myself getting married again. I did that twice, and I got burned - badly - both times. I know that he's different, but at this point, no, I can't see myself married again. For me, emotionally, it's too big of a risk, and yes, I'm a wuss when it comes to that - and I freely admit it. I love him with all my heart - no doubt about it - but I don't want to get married.

And actually, I had to go digging but there are posts here and here that go into way more detail about that. Check those out if you haven't before.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So that's that for tonight. I haven't looked back at my page in the past few minutes, so if there are more questions, I will answer them on a different night.

Speedbumps

I'm not exactly sure what we did to deserve this.....

I blew out the head gasket in my van.
Then the water pump went out in The Dude's truck (while I was driving it).
My dishwasher crapped out on Mother's Day.
My lawnmower died the other day.

Then this evening, The Dude was out running a couple of errands, including picking up supper for us, and he called me to say that the truck had broken down. Again.

Anyway, it ended up being really minor. I took the boys, went and got him, we ran to the auto parts store and back to his house to get his tools, replaced the solenoid in the parking lot of the pizza place, and boom - back on our way again, all in less than an hour.

Still.... it's frustrating. It seems like just when we fix something - another thing breaks. Luckily this time, it was cheap and easy to fix. But I'm getting tired of fixing stuff. Besides the fact that it's generally really inconvenient, it's also getting really expensive.

We keep spending money on fixing stuff - and it's money that we're trying to put towards other stuff.

We're trying to figure out a way to make TMOART:13 happen (if you're new around here, that stands for The Mother Of All Road Trips: 2013 Edition) but at this rate - it looks like it might not. We want to rent a bigger van to do it so that the kids are more comfortable (and let's face it - if it's a rental and it breaks down, someone else has to pay to fix it) but from looking into that, a rental will easily tack another $1000-1500 to the total cost of the trip. We just might not be about to do it this year.

Even though we keep breaking stuff, we
have fun fixing it.

We're still trying to get moved so that we can have all of the kids in the same school district, and moving takes money too. Funny how that works.

But still, even though this is all so incredibly frustrating, we're still plugging along. We're still making plans (and adjusting them) and we're moving forward and we're looking into doing some other things that involve some really big steps (no, not THAT kind of a step) and all in all, no matter what, life is good. We might keep hitting speedbumps, but that's all they are - they might temporarily slow us down a bit, but they're not sending us off into some other direction.

I figure at this point that if we can deal with this much broken crap, we should be able to handle just about anything. We'll just keep going over the speedbumps, one by one.

We might lose what little bit of our minds that we have left.....but it'll just make the ride more interesting.

A glimpse inside my head.

...and it's kind of a messy place to be right now.

Ever have one of those days when you just have so much stuff on your mind that you can't even make any sense out of it whatsoever?

That's me today. This is the 4th attempt at writing this post.

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm tired. I'm cranky. Actually, I'm just downright exhausted, and everything keeps piling up on top of me higher and higher and I'm getting really tired of it.

Between not having my van, and dealing with the recent breakdown of The Dude's truck, and working more hours at work, and him not working because of his injured shoulder, and trying to handle the normal household stuff, and still trying to figure out how to get us and The Dude moved into one house, and our newest project of trying to get him into school in the fall (I'll be dating a college student - how weird is that?), and handling the kids' attitudes, and preparing for summer vacation, and trying to plan a weekend getaway for me and him - I'm pretty sure that I'm about to lose my mind.

Not that there's much of it left.

To be completely honest with you, I had a bit of a meltdown (or three or four) on him tonight. Sometimes the stress just gets to be too much and I lose it, and I take it out on him. And I hate when I do that and I feel horrible about it - yet he just takes it all in stride. I kind of freaked out on him because there was no way that I could plan anything for this evening, because anything that we wanted to do was contingent upon other people deciding what they were going to do - and I snapped. What was the subject of my snapping?

World peace? Global warming? The economy?

No. It was what to make for supper.

And how did he handle it? He got up and starting digging through the fridge and freezer, and he made supper for us and the kids.

What did I do? I let him have control. I walked out of the kitchen and went and stretched out on my bed and I fell asleep. I have no idea how long I napped, but I did it.

I still don't know why he puts up with me - and I told him that again tonight. Whatever the reason is, I'm thankful for it and I don't know what I would do without him. I know that we're going to get through all of this BS at some point in time.....but I really wish that it would happen sooner rather than later.

At some point, we need to catch a break. But at the same time, at least we know that we can handle the rough stuff - because we've sure been through a bunch of it already - and we still kinda' like each other.

Can't really complain about that.

Wish Flowers

My kids call these "wish flowers".

They pick them, make a wish, close their eyes, and blow with all their might, hoping that the power of their breath is enough to force every single piece of "cotton" off of the stem, granting their wish immediately.

To see their innocence and hope every time that they do this is both inspiring and heartbreaking. Knowing that they have placed all of their hope and faith on a common weed makes me realize just how trusting they can be, but knowing that the weed doesn't have the power to make everything right is just as disappointing for me as it is for them.

As their mother, I want to make all of their wishes come true. As a human, I know that's impossible. How can I do for them what I can't even do for myself?

As a parent, I think one of the hardest things ever is to see my kids want something and not be able to provide that for them - be it a material item or not. It's no secret that I don't have money to burn, so when the kids ask for something.... a new bike, or new 'cooler' shoes, or to go out to eat, or whatever... and I have to say "I'm sorry, but we can't afford that right now" it absolutely breaks my heart. But at the same time, I try to use that as a teaching moment - "we can't always do what we want all of the time, but if we work toward a goal and save our money, we can do it another time" or something similar to that. I think that it teaches them something, and I think that they learn to appreciate things more because of this, and I know that will help them in the long run - but it doesn't negate the fact that right now - it sucks.

I hate using money - or the lack of it - to teach my kids life lessons, but when you get right down to it, so much of our lives nowadays revolves around money. Our kids are being taught by society in general that they have to have the newest best biggest brightest thing or they're not cool - and to me, that's just wrong. And I'm trying to teach my kids that they don't have to have all that to be cool.

Every now and then, there's a moment when I think that maybe I've gotten through to them - like today, when we were driving to church in The Dude's chariot and Emily looked at me and said "Mom, when I get old enough to drive, I want a truck just like this - I don't want a new one, I want an old one" and I could have hugged and kissed her right then and there if I wasn't driving. She thinks that the old beat up truck is cool - and that makes me so happy.

Right now, 98% of the enormous stress in my life revolves around money - or the lack of it. We need money to fix my van, we need money to move, we need money to get The Dude's surgery on his shoulder, we need money to plan our yearly TMOART to see my parents.....money money money. But as The Dude reminded me today: "We will get through this - we've gotten through worse, and we'll get through this too, because we're too badass not to."

Don't tell him, but I'm beginning to think that he's my own version of a wish flower - except that instead of me being able to push him around and get my way, his strength in tough situations is what is keeping me from totally losing my mind.

A year of love...and bizarre connections

One year ago today I took a step that I swore that I would never take again.

I finally admitted that I was in love with The Dude - and I told him.

It was kind of funny how it came about. A dear friend of mine needed a ride to the airport in the wee hours of the morning. She came here and spent the night, and we got maybe an hour of sleep before we had to get up and hit the road for the 3 hour drive. The Dude spent the night as well so that he could take Alex to school for me that morning, and he was still (half)asleep when we were getting ready to leave. I was honestly worried about having an accident because I had gotten so little sleep and had 6 hours of driving ahead of me, and I figured that if I was going to die in a fiery crash, then by God he was going to know how I felt about him. (Yes, that is seriously the thought that went through my head at the time.)

Before she and I walked out the door, I walked back over to the bed, sat down on the edge of it, gave him a quick kiss and told him that I loved him. And yes, he said it back to me. :)

Needless to say, I made it back alive - and incredibly happy. We've made it through great times and bad, but somehow we always manage to do it together and we haven't strangled each other - yet. I'm still not sure how he puts up with my crap on a daily basis, but he does and I am forever grateful for that.

Dreaming of hot days out at the lake.....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Now, here's where the story gets kind of funny. The friend who needed a ride to the airport - well, she has a facebook page and a blog and they can be found here. We have another friend who - surprise - has a page and a blog and they can be found here. The three of us have been friends for almost 9 years now, and we've also had our shares of ups and downs - but we'll always be friends no matter what. Plus we have this really bizarre connection - 1st Time Mama and I share our "non-anniversary" - we each married our first husbands on August 14, 1999 - long before we knew each other. August 14 also happens to be Ordinary Girl's birthday.

Plus, today is 1st Time Mama's birthday AND it's the anniversary of the day that I admitted that I love The Dude.

There are other eerie similarities and connections between the three of us, but I'll leave the rest of it up to your imaginations!

So, go and visit their pages and make sure that you wish 1st Time Mama a very happy birthday too - she's on a road trip at the moment so I'm not sure how often she's checking in, but it would be cool for her to find lots of birthday wishes on her page!

A hot lunch date

Yesterday, I got to spend a little bit of time with The Dude.

Lately, it seems like the universe is conspiring against us, and our time together has been limited. Quite frankly, it sucks. We both have so many responsibilities that we have to handle so we try to sneak in time together whenever we can - even if it's just a quick lunch or a drive-by visit.

Yesterday, it was lunch. We went to a little coffee shop here in town for some sandwiches, which were yummy as always. They sell other stuff too....

I think I want this one.

hehehehe

He bought this one for me - I just have to find the
perfect place to hang it....

After we got done eating, we ventured down the block to a used bookstore. We could have spent hours in there, but we were limited on time - which also saved our wallets. All of the books here are donated - and all of the profits are donated to LOCAL charities. This is my kind of place - paying it forward right in our own neighborhood.

Hopefully, if things work out as planned tomorrow, we'll get to actually spend a few hours together *gasp* before he has to go to work. We have some errands to run and places to go and people to see - but we have to see how well that pesky universe behaves.

And the really good news is that I should be getting my nice shiny new camera tomorrow - you know, since I broke the one that my friend gave me a few months ago. So be prepared for more pictures! Yay! Pictures! And they might even be focused!

An open letter to a friend.

You know who you are.

You're my friend, and I love you. We have a bond, one created by common interests and kids and friends and lots of other little things. We've stuck by each other through a lot of crap.

You're now stuck in a place where I once was. It's not a pretty place. In fact, it's downright scary and dangerous. And I know that you know that.

Abuse is not an easy subject to talk about - especially when it's happening to you. I know that. I know that.

I've been there. And I learned a few things from it.

You think you have it under control because you got him out of the house, but you're wrong. He'll come back. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next week. But he'll come back.

You say he can't get into your head, but guess what? He's already there. Otherwise, this letter wouldn't be necessary.

You can't control the situation. No matter how strong you think you are, he can and will be stronger. It might not happen immediately, but it will happen. You put him in a different situation than before, and he'll figure out a different way to use it against you and to make you think that you're in the wrong - and you're not.

You say that it's different this time - but until you take the next step, it's not.

It's not about him and what's best for him or protecting him.

This time, it's all about YOU.

You know what you need to do, but you don't want to do it. I get that. I really do. I swear to you, I GET IT. But you have to do it. You have to prove not only to him but to YOURSELF that you are in control of this. You have to protect YOU and YOUR KIDS. And if that means taking that next step, that's what you need to do.

I know it's hard. I know you love him. But you have to love yourself more. You have to love your kids more. You need to step back and take care of YOU and allow him to take care of himself for a while. You can't force him to do it. He has to want it for himself - and I hope and pray that he does because I know that he's a good man who is battling demons of his own.

I might get mad at you and yell at you as you go through this, but it's only because for once in my life, I do know what I'm talking about. You are in my old place, and I want you out of there more than anything because it's not fun. And I will do anything that I can possibly do to help you get out of there because YOU DESERVE BETTER. You hear that?

YOU DESERVE BETTER. 

I love you. And I'm here for you, no matter what.

My rock

I don't know how he does it. I really don't.

The Dude has the patience of a saint. Really.

We have been going through a lot of stuff around here lately. Some really deep dark stuff. It's not fun, it's not pretty, and honestly it's not something that I would wish on my worst enemy. But, we have to deal with it.

No, let me rephrase that.

I have to deal with it.

It's my stuff to handle. My problems. My issues. My responsibilities. It's not something that he has to deal with at all.

But yet, he does. He is right there, in the midst of it, helping and supporting and loving. He's making supper for the kids and helping with homework and keeping an eye on them while I go take care of the dirty work. He's giving me pep talks through online messages when he can't be here.

Most importantly, he is loving us. Not just me, but all of us.

And he's doing it all by choice.

It's not just the crappy stuff. He puts up with everything. He even puts up with this whole blogging thing and cheers me on with it just as much as he supports me through the crap.

There is absolutely no way that I can ever thank him enough for everything that he does for us. No way humanly possible.

About 15 seconds after I took this, he admitted that the
wasabi was a bit hotter than he expected.
I might have laughed at him.

I love you, babes. Thank you for everything.

You're NOT my DAD...and other craters in the minefield of dating a single mother.

     Hey folks, it's me again, his Dudeness.

     It'd came up more than a few times that folks were interested in another round of "wisdom", such as it is, from The Dude and while it's taken awhile, really... who I am I to deny the public at large?

    There's been some suggestions, a few good ones too, but I thought, man, wouldn't it be cool if I fired off some things I've learned by trial and error for folks to key on in their own domestic situations?
After some thought, I bring you:

 You're NOT my DAD...and other directions in the minefield of dating a single mother.

          Fellas, pay attention to this first bit, because it's important to remember when you begin your courtship of your particular single mother of choice. Like it or not, you are the outsider. Stop... read that again, let it sink in, because letting that particular factoid sink in will save you from some hurt feelings. This one I figured out by watching friends of mine, so I personally have avoided the bruised ego that will follow if you're not aware by now that it takes time to be accepted as an insider by the young ones.

   Now that you've absorbed that bombshell lets talk about a few things. Being the new man in Mom's life takes some adjusting to. Some things I've done pretty good at, some took time and others I'm still working on... and NO, I will not be sharing which ones. (If I remember!)
   
       System shock will happen in some areas. Let's just get it out there, Intimacy, once on a whenever you want some schedule, just found itself on a "after the kids are asleep" schedule. You're also going to have to understand in a quickness that the crazed howling at the moon kind of intimacy, well... maybe when the kids are in school, if you're lucky! (Yes! You now need a parents permission to read this blog!) Be prepared to learn how to keep an ear open for child originating noises while doing whatever it is that you're gonna do. Now I know some dudes are like "Pshh, I do what I want..." Really? Do you want to be responsible for that kind of permanent mental scarring? DO YOU?
   
      All funnies aside, guys, you're going to be walking a minefield. Take this for instance: You have a fine line to walk between, not necessarily best pals, but a friend and an authority figure, unless of course two children throttling each other into unconsciousness whilst producing glass splintering screams is more your speed. However, most guys aren't going to sit by and watch a co-pay produce itself.  Since everybody is different, it's going to take trial and error to define how far each way you can go, but I'm telling you that it's important to define those roles, as a priority, because the longer you take the more you risk your moments as an authority figure being taken as unimportant or even as a joke. I'm not saying you want to install a police state whenever you come over... just know that there are times that you'll be the nearest or only adult and must control those situations. (Ain't no playstation game for that, ya'll!)

      You're going to find that you're wanted and even expected to start attending the kiddo related functions. Really, planned on that Dr. Dre recites Dr. Suess concert? New paradigm, you, minus the Dr's. plus a 8 am Saturday morning basketball game or music program. If you're planning on making Mom a serious part of your life, it can't just be her you're interested in, Mom's a package deal and you'll need to redefine your priorities in order to work the kiddo's interests into your time.

    Handing out punishments can be a challenge because "You're NOT MY DAD!"

    You'll just have to figure out how to make that work anyways, all parents do things differently and your Mom of choice is no exception... what you grew up with or think is normal, she just might find abhorrent. Fellas, sit down with your Mom of Choice and ask her what her normal punishments are, what she's comfortable with you dishing out when the situation arises. There are the inevitable stubborn children who are going to push the envelope with you to see what they can get away with. Once you have your Mom of Choice's preferences, stick with them. Once the kiddo's see the united front, you might not always see the best behavior, but they'll know that you're not going to let them get away with things that they shouldn't be doing.

      Finally, realize that these kids are not necessarily used to sharing their Mom's time with anyone other than the potential siblings. That they give you 5 minutes alone is a gift from them and you should take it as such. That said, be prepared for that quiet night watching movies to become a family night watching movies, learn what's on the kids menu at your favorite diner and for all things holy, take it all with a sense of humor. Again, YOU are the outsider and you are in fact, NOT THEIR DAD! So be thankful these kids are willing to share their Mom, your Mom of Choice, with you. Be glad that She chose to see you as good enough to place in the same room as her offspring and above all go with the flow. You don't have to lose yourself or change everything about who you are, dudes, it's just a new equation.
       You + Your Mom of Choice + her kiddos... What that will come up to is completely up to how you adapt, how they take it and of course, Your Mom of Choice.

      Have fun guys, take any of that how you want to and maybe I'll be back another time...

     Oh, I should mention that I'm proud that MY Mom of Choice decided that I was good enough of a person to be introduced to her kiddo's and for the rest of that story, well... you'll just have to keep coming back... won't ya?

     I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

He calls dibs.

Today was our official family Christmas. Because of crappy timing, I had to do a whole bunch of shopping at 5am when WalHell opened - so I got about an hour of sleep before I took off to get what I needed to get for the kids.

I found it amusing downright horrifying that this was one of the first toys that I saw. I may have turned and run away from it just as soon as I snapped the picture. What kind of sick, twisted person came up with this idea???

Anyway, some pictures from the rest of the day....

The tree - complete with insanely crooked star -
at about 7am after my round of shopping.

We got the stockings and the kids' new ornaments hung last night.

After The Dude went shopping and brought home some more stuff.
He is too good to us.

Starting with the stockings....

Finally! The gifts!

The carnage. Some of it, anyway.

Human Tetris-Head.

After we got done opening gifts, it was late in the afternoon and thanks to more glorious timing we hadn't eaten lunch yet. Kids and adults both were cranky and there was a great deal of drama, whining, screaming, crying, and pouting. We finally decided to head out to a local Chinese restaurant (you can tell I was tired if I agreed to go there) and we managed to have a good meal with minimal drama.

After we ate, we came back home and then followed The Dude home in his truck to make sure that he got there in one piece, and then I took the kids (all 5 of them) and went back to WalHell to get them some clothes.

I swear, I avoid that place for months at a time and then end up there twice in one day....ugh. But, I told the kids that I wasn't buying them clothes this year - instead, we would go shop after Christmas and they could pick out their own stuff. So much easier than dealing with returns because I don't buy the "right" stuff.....

Then the kids and I came back home so that we could relax before bedtime. After the past 4-5 nights of not getting to bed until 2-4am, I am wiped out. I seriously think that I might crash as soon as I post this.

Oh, but I bet you want to see what The Dude got me, don't you?

After the kids were pretty much done unwrapping stuff he pointed out that there was something in my stocking. I got it down and pulled out a little box.

Surprised and more than a little scared, I opened it. Inside was a ring with matching earrings and a necklace.

I admit it - I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that it wasn't an engagement ring. No matter how much I love this guy, I am still not ready for that step - and he knows it. And he's good with it. And that just makes him even more amazing, but we already knew that. He had gotten me a really pretty jewelry box too, and so he said that this was a start to filling it, because I don't have much jewelry. (Honestly, I sold most of it to pay bills throughout both divorces.)

In our typical fashion, we started joking with each other about how people are going to automatically assume that it was an engagement ring and that he had popped the question.

FOR THE RECORD: 
1. There has been no wedding proposal from either one of us to either one of us.
2. This is not an engagement ring.
3. We are not engaged.
4. At this point, we have no specific plans to make 1-3 happen.

I asked him at one point how we should refer to this particular ring, since it is not an engagement ring. Without missing a beat, he laughed and said "it's the I Call Dibs ring. No one else gets to have you except for me."

Who can argue with that logic? The man is definitely a keeper.

I have to keep him.

The stockings were hung
'cross the doorway with care....

I kind of hinted around last night about a super secret project that I had finished, but I couldn't say anything about it yet.

Part of what I finished was getting all of our Christmas stockings hung up and ready to go. Since we don't have a fireplace, I have to improvise. In our old house, I hung them down the staircase, but in this house I just go across the doorway between the front rooms instead. It works, and they're up high enough that the kids can't mess around with them without climbing - and for the most part they know better than to do that.

Anyway, I decided that since it appears that The Dude is going to be a permanent fixture - he needed a stocking too.

How's that for cementing a relationship? No marriage, nothing official or on paper or anything like that, but a homemade Christmas stocking instead....

I told him that this means that I have to keep him - because I don't go through all of that work for just anyone.

Hey, it's a step, right?

Not sure if he's more proud of the stocking
or his silly football team.

Questions and Answers

For the new people who are just starting to read my ramblings, every now and then I ask people on my facebook page to ask me questions, and then I answer them. It's fun to do and sometimes sparks some really interesting conversation.

So these are the questions that were asked tonight (oh, and I copy and paste these, so if there are typos, they're not mine!)..... 

Brad asked:  When is The Dude going to do another guest blog? Nor that there is anything wrong with UR posts. I just really like hearing what he has to say. As much awesome craziness comes out of UR head, he's got U beat in random craziness dept. Also, I'd like to see another "deeply personal" blog. The last one U did was great & I'm ready for another peek inside the woman that is Non-Stop Mom!! 

As for The Dude doing a guest post, we've been tossing that idea around for a month or more. He's willing to do one - it's just a matter of forcing him to sit down and do it. Maybe if enough people started nagging at him.... *hint hint* Seriously though, he is an awesome writer, and I would love to have him do one soon too.

The "deeply personal" posts - yeah, I don't do those very often. They can really take a lot out of me, and it's usually when something has been brewing for a while. However....I know I keep hinting around about this, but Friday will be a much deeper post than usual. I'm collaborating with someone on it, and it's an important message. So watch for that one for sure.

Laney asked: As a Mom, what do you think your biggest success has been? Your biggest failure? 

Good questions!

Let me start with the biggest failure, because it's always easier to criticize ourselves than it is to say something positive. What's ironic is that I was just thinking about this today. I honestly think that my biggest failure is that I couldn't save not just one, but two marriages. My kids went through hell throughout both divorces, and it still makes life difficult at times. I wish that they didn't have to go through that - but they did and I can't change it. The only thing that we can do is to move forward.

Which brings me to the biggest success, and I truly think that would have to be that I finally allowed myself to fall in love again. Finally allowing those walls to come down and to show both my strength and my vulnerability has made me a better person, both for myself and for my kids. I can now show them what a real honest-to-goodness relationship is supposed to look like, and that's something that they haven't really ever seen from me.

Kristie asked: You already have the work of ten normal people every day - I don't know how you do it, but its awesome! Any tips on how (logistically) to work in time for the beautiful walks you take those pictures of? If you go in the mornings does it help keep your energy up? And thank you so much for everything you share. You've brought much laughter and inspiration to my husband and me! :) 

First of all, thank you so much for the kind words - I really really do appreciate them so much! As for the time for the walks, I seriously have to schedule it. I put them in my datebook and I work everything else around them. I've been slacking lately and haven't been out for a couple of weeks, but I'm going tomorrow no matter what happens. I do try to go first thing in the morning because if I don't (like today) I get distracted and then I don't go. I do feel so much better when I go (after I get over the initial pain from my joints) and when I go regularly.

Wendi asked: When you do your monthly grocery shopping, do you do a meal plan for the month first, or do you just wing it? And what is your monthly food budget for you and 5 hungry ones?

Perfect timing - I'm sitting here with my grocery list in front of me, because tomorrow is the day! I try to plan out meals for the month. I figure the days that I have to cook (when all 5 kids are here) and plan a meal for each of those. I don't usually plan a meal for the nights when it's just me and the younger two because we'll eat leftovers or sandwiches, or make something super-simple. Having the older 3 kids here only half of the time significantly cuts down on my grocery bill. Once I have the meals laid out on the calendar, I make my grocery list, and then go through my cupboards and cross stuff that I already have off of the list. So far it seems to work fairly well - as long as we stick to the menu. I also try to stock up on the staples - macaroni & cheese (*barf*), canned tomatoes/sauce, spaghetti sauce, tons of flour and sugar, etc.  I can usually do it for under $300 - but I buy very little prepared food and make *almost* everything from scratch, which is way cheaper.

Jenni asked: How do you handle the kids getting violent with each other? My girls have been doing this more and more lately and it's driving me crazy. 

Million dollar question right there. It seems to be getting worse with all of mine too, and sometimes seems totally unprovoked. About the only thing that has worked so far is physically separating them and distracting them with something. Make one go get something (make something up) out of another room and make the other one go pick up [insert random object] off of the floor. Anything to get their minds off of beating the crap out of each other.

Jennifer asked: What are some of your easiest go to recipes for a quick dinner? I struggle figuring out meals...... 

The kids love macaroni & cheese (*barf*) and fish sticks. It doesn't get much easier than that, but I think it's gross. The other easy ones *looking at my list in front of me*....sloppy joes, burgers, tacos. I've also started *trying* to make 2 meals at a time when I have the stuff available. If I'm making a chicken pot pie, for example, I'll try to make 2 and stick one in the freezer. Then sometime in the future when I know I'm going to have a crazy day, stick it in the fridge the night before then just pop it in the oven the next night and BAM. Supper. So much easier, but it does take planning.

Sandi asked: How do you maintain your friendships? I only have two kids and am frustrated that I've lost touch with many wonderful friends. 

Facebook is my lifeline. I hate to admit that, but it's the truth. It's the best way for me to keep in touch, but at the same time, I don't have a lot of local friends. Geographically, most of my closest friends are about 30 miles from here so it's hard to just "pop in" to visit. I'm also in a mom's group (of course it's on facebook) for local moms and the group organizes playdates and such - but again, I don't live in the city so it takes some planning for me to be able to attend those.

Greg N Jessica asked: Do you have any picky eaters? Tips on getting one to eat? I have one on the spectrum and he. eats. nothing. It's driving me insane. Do you an The Dude go out on "dates"? If so, where have some of your favorite "dates" taken you/led you to do? 

Ugh. They are all so picky. I hate it. I don't know what it is with kids these days because when I was growing up, we weren't allowed to be picky. We ate what was on the plate and we didn't get an option. To some extent, I'm the same way with my kids though. I make supper, and if they refuse to eat it - that's their problem. Keep in mind - that's only if they *refuse* to eat it. If they try it and legitimately don't like it (I can tell when they're faking) I will get them something else - usually leftovers. If they're just being stubborn, I don't bargain with them. They aren't going to starve to death if they refuse to eat one meal - and usually they end up eating at least part of it by the time the meal is done.

As for The Dude and me going on dates - it doesn't happen very often, but occasionally we do. Our dates are usually during the day when the kids are in school though. Sometimes they're as fun and exciting as going grocery shopping together! Seriously though, we try to at least go out to lunch about once a week or so. We're on a mission to try all of the local eateries in town (instead of the chain restaurants) and we have found some wonderful little places to go to. Sometimes, we get to go out at night by ourselves, but that's very rare - between his work schedule and my kid schedule, finding the time to go and do anything alone is hard. Most of the time, we end up on family dates with all of the kids - and we have a blast!

Amanda Diane asked: Any tips on potty training? I have an autistic 6 year old boy and a NT 4 year old boy. Neither are even slightly interested in the potty or anything to do with it. Yay me. lol 

That's a toughie. I have no idea what to tell you other than (and you probably know this already) try to find something that's going to "click" with each one of them. Let each one pick his own potty seat or chair or whatever he wants to use, and pick what kind of underwear he wants to wear - things like that. Make it as much their choice as you can. And I would also suggest talking to their pediatrician to see if he/she can give you any ideas. Good luck!

Jennifer asked: How badly did The Dude curse you for photoshopping his Cowgirls jacket? Also, If you could have one thing for Christmas, what would it be and why?

Haha! I hadn't posted that picture on here yet, so you just gave me the perfect excuse to do it! He's said some pretty mean stuff and has threatened to "get even" with me - but he hasn't made good on his threats yet. I'm sure he will at some point though. I can't help it that his team sucks....and got stomped trashed trampled beaten by the Redskins on Thanksgiving Day. I guess all of that trash talking finally caught up with him. Darn.

Now, one thing for me for Christmas. Honestly, you have me totally stumped there. I really don't want anything. But if money were no object, I would love to get back to Pennsylvania for a few days over Christmas break to spend some time with my parents. However, since that's not going to happen we just have to start saving our money for TMOART:13.

Kim asked: So do you have a quilting machine or a regular sewing machine.. The one you use for your quilting contraption..lol 

That is just a regular sewing machine. It sits on a platform that moves along the quilt in order to do free-form quilting. I have a video of me actually doing it....somewhere. I just need to find it and post it.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So that's it for this round of questions. Always remember, you can ask me just about anything. If you stray into "forbidden territory" I'll let you know. But honestly, that territory is pretty small.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Now, on a totally different note - I would like to ask that you keep Sam and his family in your thoughts and prayers. He is in Jared's third grade class, and he has been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. I just found out about this last night, and I don't know any other details other than the family sent out a request for extra prayers tonight. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for his family right now.....so please, say a prayer or send a happy thought or do whatever it is that you do for this little boy.

The Story of Us

It has been a year - exactly one year ago today was the day that The Dude and I went on our first date.

But there is so much backstory leading up to that night that I thought that I would finally share all of it now. We've hinted around about it before, but I have never really spilled all of the details.

My second husband and I split up in May 2009. I knew at that time that it was over and that there was no turning back as far as that relationship went. I was done with it, and as far as I was concerned, I was done with relationships entirely.

But, as time went on and after my divorce was final in January 2011, I thought that maybe I was ready to put myself out there again. So I half-heartedly set up an account on one of those *cough* wonderful free online dating sites. I messaged back and forth with a few guys, and even went out on a few dates, but none of it felt right. And after my ex unexpectedly passed away, I suddenly realized that I was NOT ready to be dating. I had way too many emotions to work through at that point. So I quickly hid my profile on the dating site, and promptly forgot about it.

Months passed, and my mental state improved. I don't know if anyone really knows just how deeply his death affected me - but it did. There were a lot of unresolved issues, and there were many things that I had to learn to accept before I could think about moving forward with my life. Finally, I felt like I was there.

So in about mid-September or so, I unhid my profile on that site. I tweaked it a bit, and added a few more pictures along with more disclaimers - for instance "I am NOT a booty call", "I will NOT send you naked pictures", "I have 5 kids with 3 different fathers, so if that bothers you then you need to move along because it can't be changed" and other things like that. Buried in the midst of my profile was a little blurb that said something to the effect of "I don't go to the gym, but I do try to walk/jog several times per week and I'm currently training for my second half-marathon - there's a story behind that, so if you'd like to know it, just ask".

Anyway, more messaging back and forth with various guys, more dates that never went anywhere, more idiots who only wanted a booty call or naked pictures, and more morons who wanted to just jump straight into a relationship.

 Somewhere around mid-November, I decided that I was done with even attempting to meet someone. Either that site was useless, or I was an idiot-magnet, or something. But I was done with it. I decided that instead of just hiding my profile, I was going to delete it for good. I was looking around for the 'delete' button and I couldn't find it anywhere. Then I got distracted and had to walk away from the computer again.

When I came back to the computer a couple of hours later, I was downright disgusted to see that I had another message in my inbox on that site. I seriously almost deleted it without even looking but I thought no, that would be rude, and I might as well read it. So I sat down and looked. I looked at the guy's profile first and thought "hmmmm.... he's cute" and so I opened the message fully expecting to see another "hey baby" or "wanna chat" looking at me.

Instead, his message read something like "They say curiosity killed the cat. I'm not feline, but I'd love to know the story behind the half-marathon".

I sat back in my chair, surprised. Here was a guy who obviously actually read my profile and paid attention to it - and he knew how to capitalize the appropriate words and didn't type in text-speak. I figured that it wouldn't hurt to message him back before I deleted my profile.

I think we messaged back and forth until about 4am that night.  And the next night. And for several more after that. We talked about so many things in those messages - and it was so easy.

Neither one of us can remember for sure how long we messaged back and forth like that, but it was somewhere in the 1-2 week range - and then we decided to meet. Thanksgiving was coming, and so he asked me what my schedule with the kids was like for the next few days. I told him (figuring that if anything was going to scare him, the multiple holiday custody arrangements that go along with having multiple kids with multiple fathers would) but instead he suggested that we just meet at Burger King the day after Thanksgiving so that I could bring Daniel with me and he could play in the playground while we talked, and I would not have to pay for a sitter. Surprised by his willingness to work around my schedule, I agreed.

So, on November 25, 2011 we met face to face for the very first time. We sat and chatted and watched Daniel play for probably 2 hours or more. Then he came over to my house the next day to watch a movie, and we ended up talking (yes, talking) until 4am.

It took a few weeks for me to get up the nerve to agree that this was what I wanted. I went into it saying "no relationship" and just kind of found myself in one. But I vowed that it wasn't going to get serious. Seeing each other exclusively was fine - but no, it wasn't going to be serious.

Five months into it, we admitted that we loved each other. And here we are a year later.

Yeah, we kind of like each other.
And this might be one of my favorite pictures of us.

Had to gross out the kids with this one!

It hasn't been the easiest year. We've definitely had our ups and downs, but we've been able to work through all of it together and we've come out stronger than ever each time. We still talk about everything. We don't make major decisions without discussing them first. We have been brutally honest with each other, and have hurt each other's feelings plenty of times, but at the same time the honesty is what keeps us strong as a couple. It's something that I've never had the chance to experience before, and I have to admit that it is amazing. We've made it through major holidays with extended family, a cross-country road trip with the kids, massive catastrophic mechanical failure in my van, health issues for both of us.....all of that on top of the typical stress that I deal with on a normal basis with the kids and school and custody.... and we still like love each other.

He's still the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I fall asleep at night. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see him walk into the room and he can still make me melt with just a look from him.

I don't know what I did to deserve a man like him, but I'm not going to argue.

Happy anniversary, babe. I love you!

The universe won't. shut. up.

I don't know what's going on around me lately. I swear, the universe is yelling at me and it won't stop. It's sending all sorts of messages to me and it's trying to tell me what to do - and I don't like it.

What am I talking about?

Pull up a chair and relax - this might take a while, because I have a feeling that I might end up rambling a bit.

We all know that I have said many many many times that I will never get married again. I even went a little farther after I wrote that post, and wrote one the next day with even more reasons why I won't do it again.

And so far, I've stuck to that. I still say that I will never get married again. Twice was enough.

But you know, I have this amazing guy in my life. And I love him. A lot. And we talk about things. A lot. He knows me better than just about anyone else in the world, and he knows how my brain works (which is scary). Sometimes he can even tell me what I'm thinking even before I realize it.

We talk about things like we are married. He's looking to get rid of his van, and even found a truck that he can get in its place - but he wouldn't make the decision until I saw the truck too. Whenever there's a big event coming up, we talk about it with each other before we make the decision to go either alone or as a couple. We run things past each other to get input on whatever it is almost constantly. We've talked about moving in together, and we've even looked at a house before (although that ended up not working out as we had hoped).

But I still don't want to get married again.

Apparently, the universe has other ideas.

Every time I turn around, there's an ad like this one on my facebook page. Now, I understand that the ads are usually related to things that you've talked about or things that you've searched for - I did a search the other day for flash drives, and I'm getting flooded with ads for those now. I can understand that in a "Big Brother is watching me" kind of way - because I've searched for flash drives. But I've never searched out engagement rings. Or wedding rings. Or rings. Or anything related to weddings or marriage or anything. Yet, these ads are there. All. the. time.

Of course, we still run into the random strangers that assume that we're married. It happened to us again the other day - I don't even remember where we were this time, but again - it happened.

The kids - they know how I feel about marriage in general. But they still throw it out there occasionally. "Hey Mom, when are you guys going to get married??" Of course, they usually end up grounded after broaching the subject. (Kidding.)

Then last night.... The Dude came over, and we were both hungry. So he decided to run out and grab us some food. I told him that I didn't really care what he got so he left. When he came back with the convenient economy-sized bag of food from Taco Bell, he made some comment about "Taco Bell and lifestyle choices" or something like that. I asked him what he was talking about and he told me just to sit down and eat my food and I'd see it. So I sat down on the couch and started pulling the food out of the bag. I grabbed a handful of the sauces and glanced at them, and then remembered that they started putting little sayings on the labels.

Yeah, little sayings. That's it.

Ok, Universe - what are you trying to tell me?

The Dude and I got a good laugh out of these - and of course I had to be goofy and immediately post it to my facebook page. Apparently people know me better than I thought because no one really jumped to conclusions about it. But anyway, he and I were talking while we were eating and watching a movie, and he said that he bet that there was some schmuck out there who actually used Taco Bell sauce packets to propose (do a search on YouTube - he's right). I told him about the two proposals that I've had in the past - one was with a credit card (in place of the ring, which we used the card to buy that night) and one was over the phone. Anyway, we joked about them, we laughed, and we let it go.

But I admitted to him later - and I'm admitting it now - that while I still don't want to get married again, I'm slowly getting used to the idea that it MIGHT happen eventually.

Don't get excited. We're talking years from now. There are a lot of reasons why we should NOT get married at this point - I mean, besides the fact that I don't want to do it. Yes, most of the reasons are financial, and that might sound selfish on both of our parts, but at the same time by keeping those financial things at the forefront, we are also making sure that the main priority - the kids - are provided for to the best of our abilities. We're still talking about moving in together and we're starting to make more concrete plans for that, but even that's not going to happen until next summer (unless one of us happens to hit the lottery or something).

So I say to the universe - I hear you. I get the message. Shut up and let me figure it out on my own time, ok? I don't need you to poke me or prod me or give me little hints. I understand. The walls are coming down, but they don't need to come down all at once and bury me under the rubble, ok? Let me get used to the idea first. Give me a few months years decades time.

At least I'm willing to admit that it might happen. That's a step, right?