It's a January thing...

Here we are, almost officially halfway through the month of January already.

How did that happen?

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that time doesn't pass us by at the same rate all of the time. OK, maybe officially it does. But it certainly doesn't always seem that way.

Over the past few years, January has become a very ..... memorable month for me.

January 12, 1998 - The day that I set up residency in Kansas after a 5 day cross-country trek from Long Island with all of my belongings in the back of a Ryder truck, my car on a dolly behind it, and my cat on the front seat beside me. (Someday, I'll spill all of the details as to why that move happened, but for now - that's something that I keep to myself and very few people know the full story.)

January 7, 2005 - My divorce from Ex1 was final.

January 17, 2006 - Jared was admitted to the hospital with a very severe bug. He was so very sick, and it was so scary, so I planned to stay with him that night and one of my best friends came to stay with us. I was still 3 weeks away from my due date with Alex, but I went into labor that night...

January 19, 2006 - Alex arrived - big, strong, and healthy despite being early.

About 2 weeks after that, Jeff proposed to me - and I said yes. I honestly don't remember the exact date on that one.

January 7, 2011 - The date that my divorce from Jeff could have been final (see the coincidence there?)

January 13, 2011 - My 40th birthday, and the day that my divorce from Jeff was actually final.

January 21, 2012 - The Dude and I made our first road trip together, and he got to meet some of my friends. We decided on that trip that if we could survive the weekend without killing each other, then we could probably get along for a while (I guess we were right).

January 27, 2014 - I bought a house. I bought a freaking house. (Sorry, that one's still a little surreal.)


So yeah, January has historically been a month of ups and downs for me. I'm not generally one to live in the past or to remember a ton of dates - I actually had to look at a calendar to remember some of the dates that I listed. And even though I might remember them, I don't usually make a big deal about them. I used to semi-celebrate January 7 as the date that the first divorce was final, but this year? I didn't even remember it. At the time, I was thrilled when the second divorce was final on my 40th birthday and I planned to celebrate it yearly - but that was short-lived when he passed away less than 3 weeks later.

Over the past few days, I've caught myself dwelling on some of these dates more than I usually do. I don't know why it happened, but maybe because I was sick for the past day or so and didn't really have anything to do other than sleep and think.

More often than not, I've thought of January as a month of losses, mainly because both of my marriages were officially over during this month. For the longest time, I thought of those as failures - and to a point, I still do. But at the same time, admitting that I failed both times has set me up for some new beginnings. Some turned out to be not so good (hence Divorce #2) but some have turned out to be pretty awesome (hello, having a baby and buying a house?) and I wouldn't trade them for the world. And seriously, my birthday - the one day of the year when it is honestly and truly all about me. (Except for yesterday. Yesterday was all about the plague for both me and The Dude. So I'm calling a do-over for my birthday yesterday.)

I know that everyone's situations are different, but I see so many people who seem to be content living in the past. They focus so much on the bad stuff that has happened, and while they're looking behind them they're tripping over what's in front of them - or worse yet, they're pushing it out of their way so that they can continue to look back.

Looking forward doesn't mean that the past didn't happen.  It doesn't mean that the past isn't important.  It doesn't mean that you should never look back - we can only see how far we've come by seeing where we were - but in order to get anywhere without tripping and falling flat on your face, you've got to look ahead.

Sometimes, I need to remind myself of that too.

The house and stuff

As a continuation of the questions that people asked the other night, I figured I'd go with the topic of the house.

Honestly, this whole I Now Own A House thing is still so surreal. I catch myself smiling as I drive down the street toward it, thinking "Hey, that's a pretty cool house over there on the corner. Well, would you look at that? It's mine." Seriously. I have conversations in my head like that on a regular basis.

"I'm going to stroll down my hallway into my bedroom past my walk-in closet and go to my bathroom to use my toilet." Then I sit on the toilet and look around and think "Yeah, I think I'm going to rip this tile out of here and just paint the walls - because you know, it's MINE."

"I think I'm going to rip this hideous bush out of the flowerbed and plant something else, just because I can."

"I'm going to put my garden over there. No, I want my clothesline there. The garden can go over THERE."

It's an odd feeling, this MINE thing.

But at the same time, it brings a whole host of frustrations. I had help with the actual move, as in relocating stuff from the old house to here. But that's pretty much where it ended. The Dude hasn't been able to do a whole bunch because of medical stuff, so the majority of it has been on me. For the most part, I'm ok with that. I'm a bit of a control freak about some a lot of most stuff. What's hard though is when I ask for help, and there's no one there for whatever reason. Tonight, with Alex's help (you know, the 8 year old who just had a skin graft done on Monday?) I was able to move the pool table out of the way so that I could get the floor underneath it painted - I have been trying and trying to get help with that, but .... yeah. It's moved. The floor is primed. I should be able to paint it and get the pool table put back by the end of the weekend, with or without help from a grown-up. I also pulled everything out of Jared's room and primed his floor so that I can get his room done too.

(And before any of my local friends get offended, this isn't aimed at anyone in particular. Got it?)

I still have a ton of work to do yet. I have to finish the basement, which involves a few more steps to getting the floor done, then moving the massive pile of craft stuff out of the living room and sorting it out down there, to actually getting my craft stuff set up so that I can catch up on projects whose due dates passed MONTHS ago - literally. I am desperate to get my basement done just so that I can catch up on everything and get stuff out to the people who are waiting for it.

But honestly, looking around this place makes me realize again how lucky I am. I talked the other night about how I can afford to own a house and even though I know that for at least right now, I don't have to worry about having the money to make the payment every month, I feel a responsibility to make improvements on the house to make it acceptable (in my eyes) for the kids. I have a fear that something big is going to break and I'm not going to have the money to fix it. For example, the central air is acting a little wonky right now - and I'm terrified that it's going to cost me a lot of money when realistically it's probably something stupid. But I'm doing something amazing here - I bought a house. Me. Just me. Alone. It's mine.

And that, to me, is so amazing that I can't even begin to explain. I just can't. There are no words.

At the same time though, while it's mine on paper - realistically The Dude and I bought it together. We looked at every house together and we discussed everything and made every decision as a couple. He doesn't live here - yet - but ultimately, this is going to be the home that we share. He has had a bunch of health issues over the past few months that have put some kinks in some of our plans - but the plans are still there. For now, I am doing the physical stuff - and he is my biggest and loudest cheerleader. We are working toward combining households, but there are so many things that have to happen in order to get there.

Finally for the million dollar question about whether or not we'll ever get married.....I still say never.

(If you want some background on that, you can check out this post and then this post to get the basic understanding.)

Marriage still terrifies me to no end. The Dude and I have now been together for almost 2 1/2 years, and life is good. We don't get to spend nearly enough time together for a myriad of reasons, and I'll be totally honest and admit that I've been picking fights with him - but I'm going to blame it on stress and not seeing enough of each other and stress. I get pissed, I get unreasonable and obnoxious and hateful and yell at him, and he calls me out on it and then we kiss and make up. And then I sit here and wonder "what just happened?" and "why is he still here?" Bottom line is that he IS still here - and that in and of itself is terrifying to me because it's making me think that maybe he really IS planning on sticking around for the long haul.

Even after 2 1/2 years, I'm still getting used to the idea that he's not going to walk away any time soon - but that's still not enough to convince my overly dense head that he might just stay around forever.

One day at a time. It applies to so many things right now.

My new table...and a realization.

So if you happen to follow my shenanigans on my facebook page, you might have seen the really cool table that I found today. I know that it's not a priceless relic or anything like that, but I'm just absolutely in love with it. I had to wander around the house for a while this evening, trying to figure out exactly where to put it, because there just isn't much space in here for anything else.

I finally found the spot - right next to the rocking chair that still had the boys' stuff on it from last school year. But of course, because I'm me - in order to put the table beside the chair, I had to get rid of all of the crap on the chair. And that meant that I had to sort it all out and put it where it belonged. But that of course meant that I had to pull the chair out and sweep the floor underneath it, which led to moving all of the living room furniture to do the rest of the floor, which led to cleaning under the couch cushions - and so on, and so on.....

But, the table has found a home.

(*Mental note: buy more duct tape to fix the footstool again.)(Don't judge - it was Gramma's footstool.)

But honestly, what I think is really cool - and some people might disagree - is that for once, I saw something that I liked and I got it. Not because I needed it or because it was on sale or because I had been saving up like Scrooge for it - but just because I saw it and I liked it. There was a time not so long ago that doing something like this would have not only been impossible, but would have caused us to not have food on the table for a few days (or more).

It's been 3 years since I lost what seemed like everything. I lost my house, my van, my marriage..... I almost lost my kids because of my financial situation at the time. Things have turned around for me in so many ways. Having a little bit of extra money to spend every now and then is still a novelty - but it's also something that I know I have to watch if we're ever going to be able to get a house of our own.

Knowing that my financial stability started as a result of receiving the Social Security after my ex passed away still causes some guilt. I know, I know - I shouldn't feel guilty. But I do. And knowing that Daniel and I are getting a pretty significant increase in that Social Security as of tomorrow causes even more guilt. But like I've said before, it is what it is, period. And now that I have a "real job" - the finances are finally looking better.

We still aren't rich. We still aren't taking any road trips in the near future (especially with the van still acting really wonky) or going on any exotic vacations. But, I'm saving for a house (and a newer van), and every now and then, I can buy something that I want.

It's a pretty cool feeling.

You asked.....

Just in case you don't follow me on facebook, every now and then I ask people on there to ask me questions, and then I answer them in a blog post. I did that tonight, and this is what they asked me:

Michael asked: why are you so damn awesome? 

Ha. I'm not. The people who read this blog - they are the awesome ones. I just blab and ramble about my normal life, which is totally NOT awesome, but the interactions with the people who read it are what make it all worth it. THEY are the awesome ones, not me.

Erica asked: How do you feel about the tooth fairy letters fame? (I love it btw and will totally use it with my kiddos) 

Honestly, I hate it. I seriously wrote that thing in about 30 seconds and never expected anything to come of it, but it did. And it keeps resurfacing. And I keep getting bashed for it, even though Emily thought that it was funny. But, it is what it is and I can't change it now. So when I see it posted somewhere, I link my blog posts about it in the comments and just let it go - I honestly try not to follow it because more times than not, I'm getting bashed for my parenting skills over one piece of paper floating around the internet.

Michelle asked: Are you freaking out about Monday? I have faith 

Yes and no. I honestly think that the thing that I'm the most worried about is that The Dude is taking on so much responsibility with my kids. The job scares me, yes. The hours scare me, yes. But I know that this is going to be such a huge change for my family, and that scares me more than anything. However, this has come at the most perfect time, and too many things are falling into place at the right time so I can't ignore them. I have to go for it.

Jennifer asked: What are some of the worst things you've seen at work? I want details! (well, not too many details.. but, ya know)

I honestly think that the bare crotch coming through the drive-thru was the worst. Seriously, I can't get that one out of my head. Cover yourselves, people!

Lavinia asked: why is life more complicated than it has to be?

That, my friend, is the million dollar question. But at the same time, I think that people tend to make things more difficult than they need to be. Life is life - whatever is going to happen is going to happen,  and most of the time there is nothing that we can do to change it. Roll with the punches, don't worry about what might happen and deal with it as it comes. One day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes one second at a time - do what needs to be done to get through the moment, and then deal with the rest as it happens.

Bianca asked: Favourite movies? Two categories: with the kids, just you (or you'n'The Dude). 

For me alone, I can watch just about anything except for sci-fi/fantasy types. I'm a sucker for a good horror flick (yes, even alone) but I also love the typical "chick flicks", dramas, comedies, whatever. When it's me and The Dude, we tend to watch more zombie movies (his choice, but I deal with it) or whatever looks good. He's awesome though, and will willingly sit through a chick flick if that's what I'm in the mood to watch.

Heather asked: How do you manage to do all that you do on so little sleep?!? Because I am cranky butthole without it!!!

At this point in my life, it's just become normal for me. Ever since I split from Ex1 almost 9 years ago, I've lived on very little sleep. Right after we separated, I was working full-time plus a part-time job, and I just got used to it. I run so much during the day and evening that the only time that I have time for myself is at night after the kids go to bed. I know that it's not the best situation for me, so when I finally crash and sleep for 12+ hours at a time, I don't fight it much. Caffeine is my friend.

Maria asked: With how long you an the dude have been together do you think marriage is a possability ever?

We have officially been together for just over 20 months (wait, how did THAT happen?) and while I can easily see spending the rest of my life with him, I just can't see myself getting married again. I did that twice, and I got burned - badly - both times. I know that he's different, but at this point, no, I can't see myself married again. For me, emotionally, it's too big of a risk, and yes, I'm a wuss when it comes to that - and I freely admit it. I love him with all my heart - no doubt about it - but I don't want to get married.

And actually, I had to go digging but there are posts here and here that go into way more detail about that. Check those out if you haven't before.

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So that's that for tonight. I haven't looked back at my page in the past few minutes, so if there are more questions, I will answer them on a different night.

Judgmental people suck

Yep. I'm about to take off on a rant here.

Just over a year ago, I wrote a post about judgmental people and what I thought about them. There have been so many things that have come up in my life in the past week or so and they've really just been kind of eating at me. I told The Dude tonight that I didn't think that there would ever come a time that I would need to blog, but right now, I need to do it. I need to get this crap out of my head.

I'm going to warn you right now....I'm currently typing this at about eleventy bajillion words per minute - literally just spewing it out to get it out of my head and try to make some sense of it. So if it doesn't make sense, well, I don't know what to tell you.

About a week and a half ago or so, I wrote the post on my thoughts on marriage and how I believe that everyone should have that right. I am very happy to say that 100% of the comments on both the blog post and on my facebook page were positive - and I really expected to get some negative backlash from that one. So that made me happy. Even when I changed the cover photo on my facebook page, no one said anything negative. And for that, y'all rock.

I changed my profile photo on my personal profile too, and most of the response that I got was positive. I got involved in a few discussions, but didn't really get into any arguments about it and for that I was thankful. I was saddened to see a few closed-minded people continue to use the "Bible argument" and try to force their own religion onto others despite that whole 'freedom of religion' thing in this country, but I also know that some people will never change. And that's ok, because just like me they are free to believe whatever they want to believe.

So in that department, the Judgy McJudgersons behaved themselves.

But elsewhere....

A friend called me the other day. She runs another page on facebook, and she was telling me that she had posted something on her page about being stressed because she was going to have extra kids around for a few days. Apparently, someone commented on her status and told her something to the effect of (and I am massively paraphrasing here) 'you shouldn't complain because Non-Stop Mom does it on her own all of the time' or something like that.

Honestly, that really bugged me the more that I thought about it. I don't ever want anyone to think that my life is so horrible or stressful or depressing or whatever that I have to be admired for getting through it. It's my life, people. It is what it is, period.

Think about it. I'm a single mom. Yes, that's stressful. Yes, it makes some things harder than it does for parents who have a spouse. But you know what? I'm single by choice. I choose to be a single mom. I didn't choose it when it happened, but I sure as heck choose it now. Yes, I have The Dude and I love him with all of my heart and soul and I fully intend to torture him for the rest of our lives be with him for a very long time - but I choose not to be married to him. There are a lot of reasons there and I've talked about some of them before but regardless, I'm a single mom by choice.

Hopefully, as we continue house hunting, we'll be living together within a few months and although we will not be married, he'll be around to help more. Until then, it's ok. Really.

My schedule is crazy. We all know that. But you know what? It's crazy by choice too. I allow my kids to participate in as many activities as they can because I think that (to a point) it's good for them. I want them to be active and involved and to enjoy life as much as possible. I could seriously simplify my schedule by just saying no to a few after school activities - but I choose to do them. And that's ok.

I could also simplify my schedule by just not taking on so many projects at one time. But you know what? By making the choice not to work right now, I can also make the choice to be more involved in other stuff. Important stuff. And so I run myself ragged. I like to stay busy. It's my choice. And that's ok.

So I don't sleep very much. You know what? A lot of that's by choice too. I don't get a lot of time to myself during the day, so I stay up late playing on the computer and blogging and doing whatever I feel like doing for a few hours. Should I do it all of the time? Probably not. Have I been getting better about it? Somewhat. But again, it's my choice. And it's ok too.

Another area where the Judgy McJudgersons have been out in full force is that silly Tooth Fairy letter. Holy crap, people. Seriously? It's still appearing in random places and it seems like the farther out we get from the original posting of it in January, the more hateful people get. For real. I saw it on 3 different facebook pages today, and holy crapola the hate and venom and ........ mean, judgmental people were just unreal. I couldn't believe it. There are so many people out there who are willing to call me a horrible mother ... mean ... nasty ... evil ... the worst parent ever ... bitch ... that I'm scarring my kids for life (that one still kind of amuses me) ... that I'm lying to my kids ... that I'm lazy ... Seriously, you name the insult, and I bet I've read it in regards to that letter.

But you know what? I can take it. It really doesn't bother me that much. But then I sit back and think - if people are so willing to judge a random unknown parent by one single random piece of paper that's circulating around the internet with absolutely no context whatsoever - what kind of judgments are they passing on people who are actually in their lives? What are they saying about their kids' teachers, or their own siblings, or their neighbors, or the homeless guy that they pass every morning on their way to work? What do these people think of themselves? How is it that they feel qualified to judge someone unknown to them based on one tiny little momentary glimpse into that person's life?

Honestly, what gives anyone the right to judge anyone else? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that being judgmental is a learned trait - and most of the time, kids pick that up from their parents and other adults in their lives. Think about that the next time you feel like spouting off some line of judgy crap about someone in front of your kid, and then go one step farther and think about how you would feel if you were the person being judged.

Trust me, being judged sucks. It really does. That I can tell you from experience.

Random thoughts

Well, I survived the trip to the dentist today. It was nowhere near as traumatic as the visit to the oral surgeon was, but it was still horrible. The Dude went with me, and the hygienist let him come into the room with me and stay for the whole thing. It took a little over an hour to get my teeth clean - I guess that happens when you wait about 10 years in between cleanings - but she was super nice and gentle and she really paid attention to my reaction. Whenever I flinched, she backed off a bit and just kept talking to me the whole time. The good thing was that even after waiting that long to get them done, I don't have any damage to my teeth at all, so no fillings or anything, and I don't have to go back for another 6 months - and yes, I scheduled the appointment.

Funny thing was that The Dude looked at me after it was over and said "hey, you didn't do bad at all this time" and THEN I pulled my hands out of the pocket of my hoodie and showed him the fingernail marks in my palms from having my hands balled up in such tight fists the whole time. I'm pretty sure that he rolled his eyes at me when he saw that. Butthead.

But I did it. And I lived. And I got a free toothbrush.

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This made me happy.

So if you're on facebook, I'm sure that you saw all of the new profile pictures that people used to show their support for marriage equality. I changed my personal one and also changed the cover photo on my page - because just in case you happened to miss it the other day, I fully support marriage equality.

I was amazed at the sheer number of people who changed their profile pictures or showed support in some way. There were people who questioned what good changing a profile picture would do - and I agree that it doesn't do anything to change the laws. No politician is going to change his mind simply because I changed my profile picture. But it did show support to my friends who are denied the opportunity to marry the person that they love.

And honestly, I was stunned (in a good way) that certain people showed their support. Some of my friends who I had always pegged as being against marriage equality changed their pictures or shared some of the memes that were floating around today, and it made me smile.  A lot.

Times are changing. And I like that.

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I am so looking forward to nicer weather. With the kids having a long weekend (again) this weekend, it'll be nice to actually be able to get outside and do something. Not to mention that I really have to buckle down and get ready for this half-marathon that is doing its best to sneak up on me in a little over a month. Crap.

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Easter is on Sunday??? How did THAT happen?

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I really need to redo my nails.

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Tomorrow is my payday. Which means that as soon as I'm done doing this, I need to figure out my menu and the grocery list for the next month, taking into account track meets, Scout meetings, and various other functions that will totally ruin any and all plans that I make. Tomorrow morning will be spent paying bills and then hopefully grocery shopping. So much excitement.

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Read THIS. Share it. Please.

On love and marriage...

I believe in God. I go to church almost weekly (hey, I'm human). I take my kids to church. We discuss religion at home. I attend a Methodist church. The kids also attend a Baptist church with their father and occasionally a Mennonite church with their aunt and uncle. We have friends and family who are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Jehovah’s Witness, Pagan, agnostics and atheists.

All of those people are good people – regardless of their beliefs. I don’t have to agree with their religious beliefs, but I firmly believe in their right to have those beliefs and to celebrate them as they see fit. And the nice thing is that if I don’t understand something about their belief, rather than making assumptions, I can ask them about it or research it to find the answer and learn more about it. I don’t tell them that they are wrong because they don’t believe the same thing that I do, and I don’t believe that I am a better person than they are simply because of my own belief system.

This morning in my personal facebook newsfeed, there were two articles floating around that caught my eye. One was about the "Equality House" that is across the street from the WBC in Topeka and one was about a church in North Carolina that has stopped performing ANY marriage ceremonies until the right to marry is granted to ALL couples. You can go and read both of those articles for yourself if you would like - but as soon as I did, I immediately shared both of them from my personal profile because this is something that I fully support.

Wait, what’s that? I believe in God AND support equal rights for all people? How can that be?

Look at it this way.

I have friends who are vegans. They won’t eat anything that comes from an animal. Nothing. They eat fruits and veggies and tofu and weird stuff like that. I don’t totally understand it, and I’m not sure why they would want to give up the deliciousness that is bacon cheeseburgers, but they do. And you know what? It doesn’t affect me one single bit. Not one bit. What they choose to do at their dinner table does not affect me at all. 

If they come over for dinner, I can do a few things. I can ignore the fact that they’re vegan and cook up a wonderful meaty meal and make them feel uncomfortable (and hungry), or I can make a killer salad with no animal products in it that I might not like, or I can ask them what to make so that we can all enjoy a wonderful meal. One thing that I won’t do is force them to eat a burger – because even though I think it’s odd that they won’t, I understand that they do some things differently than I do.

Same goes for my gay friends and family. I can be selfish and ignore their ‘gayness’ and make them feel uncomfortable just so that I don’t have to face it, or I can love them and accept them for who they are – good people who happen to do things a little differently than I do. I don’t try to force my beliefs on them because my beliefs are no more right than theirs are.

If the kids ask me why our vegan friends don’t eat the same food that we do, I can simply tell them “because some people eat meat and some don’t, and that’s ok” and move on with it. No big deal, right? 

And *gasp* what if my kids ask why a guy is holding hands with another guy? For the record, they have asked – and my response was “because, kids, sometimes guys fall in love with guys, and sometimes girls fall in love with girls.” And you know what the kids’ reaction was? “Oh. OK. What’s for supper?” They are not scarred for life by seeing two men holding hands or even kissing any more than they are by witnessing heterosexual displays of affection. They understand that everyone is different, and they treat everyone with the love and respect that is deserved. They may not agree with it when they get older and fully understand everything about homosexuality, but at least they’ll be open-minded enough to understand that being gay does not equate to being a bad person.

Yes, I know that there is a big difference between being vegan and being gay. But you know what? It all boils down to the fact that people are different. Different people do and believe different things for different reasons – but it doesn't automatically mean that they are horrible people or deserve to be treated as though they are less than human.

People like to throw around the whole “but the Bible says it’s wrong” argument. But you know what? Not everyone believes in the same Bible. Not everyone has the same religious beliefs. All people have the right to believe in their own philosophies, whether you agree with them or not. My Bible might say that it’s wrong, but my Bible goes with my religion. Someone who follows a different religion has a different book of ‘rules’ and THAT book might say that it’s perfectly fine – but since that person has the right to believe in their religion just as I have the right to believe in mine, who is right?

No one. 

The first amendment says “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances”.

Let me repeat that first part: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…” But laws have been passed banning gay marriage (or as I like to call it: "marriage") because it goes against some people's religious beliefs? How does that work? Doesn't banning anything based on religious beliefs go directly against the first amendment?

Your religious beliefs are not right. My religious beliefs are not right. The gay guy down the street? His aren’t right either. NO ONE’S RELIGIOUS BELIEFS ARE RIGHT. No person has the right to impose his/her religious beliefs on anyone. Period. Your religion is your own. Mine is mine. I may not agree with your religion, and you may not agree with mine, but it doesn't mean that either one of us is right or wrong.

Bottom line: You wouldn’t be free to have your religious beliefs without the first amendment protecting your right to do so – and at the same time, that same amendment gives everyone else in this country the freedom to have his/her own religious beliefs. I believe in God – or at least the idea that there is something out there that is way bigger than all of us – but I don’t necessarily believe in following every single thing that is in the Bible – and that is my right, just as others have the right to feel differently.

Human rights. Equal rights. Regardless of religion, everyone deserves to be treated equally and fairly.

People need to stop trying to shove their own beliefs down everyone else’s throats. Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, and live your own life the way that you choose. Be the best person that you can possibly be. If you live your life in the best way possible for you, then you have nothing to worry about in whatever version of the hereafter you choose to believe exists. And hey, the entire world might actually end up being a better place to be.

He calls dibs.

Today was our official family Christmas. Because of crappy timing, I had to do a whole bunch of shopping at 5am when WalHell opened - so I got about an hour of sleep before I took off to get what I needed to get for the kids.

I found it amusing downright horrifying that this was one of the first toys that I saw. I may have turned and run away from it just as soon as I snapped the picture. What kind of sick, twisted person came up with this idea???

Anyway, some pictures from the rest of the day....

The tree - complete with insanely crooked star -
at about 7am after my round of shopping.

We got the stockings and the kids' new ornaments hung last night.

After The Dude went shopping and brought home some more stuff.
He is too good to us.

Starting with the stockings....

Finally! The gifts!

The carnage. Some of it, anyway.

Human Tetris-Head.

After we got done opening gifts, it was late in the afternoon and thanks to more glorious timing we hadn't eaten lunch yet. Kids and adults both were cranky and there was a great deal of drama, whining, screaming, crying, and pouting. We finally decided to head out to a local Chinese restaurant (you can tell I was tired if I agreed to go there) and we managed to have a good meal with minimal drama.

After we ate, we came back home and then followed The Dude home in his truck to make sure that he got there in one piece, and then I took the kids (all 5 of them) and went back to WalHell to get them some clothes.

I swear, I avoid that place for months at a time and then end up there twice in one day....ugh. But, I told the kids that I wasn't buying them clothes this year - instead, we would go shop after Christmas and they could pick out their own stuff. So much easier than dealing with returns because I don't buy the "right" stuff.....

Then the kids and I came back home so that we could relax before bedtime. After the past 4-5 nights of not getting to bed until 2-4am, I am wiped out. I seriously think that I might crash as soon as I post this.

Oh, but I bet you want to see what The Dude got me, don't you?

After the kids were pretty much done unwrapping stuff he pointed out that there was something in my stocking. I got it down and pulled out a little box.

Surprised and more than a little scared, I opened it. Inside was a ring with matching earrings and a necklace.

I admit it - I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that it wasn't an engagement ring. No matter how much I love this guy, I am still not ready for that step - and he knows it. And he's good with it. And that just makes him even more amazing, but we already knew that. He had gotten me a really pretty jewelry box too, and so he said that this was a start to filling it, because I don't have much jewelry. (Honestly, I sold most of it to pay bills throughout both divorces.)

In our typical fashion, we started joking with each other about how people are going to automatically assume that it was an engagement ring and that he had popped the question.

FOR THE RECORD: 
1. There has been no wedding proposal from either one of us to either one of us.
2. This is not an engagement ring.
3. We are not engaged.
4. At this point, we have no specific plans to make 1-3 happen.

I asked him at one point how we should refer to this particular ring, since it is not an engagement ring. Without missing a beat, he laughed and said "it's the I Call Dibs ring. No one else gets to have you except for me."

Who can argue with that logic? The man is definitely a keeper.

I have to keep him.

The stockings were hung
'cross the doorway with care....

I kind of hinted around last night about a super secret project that I had finished, but I couldn't say anything about it yet.

Part of what I finished was getting all of our Christmas stockings hung up and ready to go. Since we don't have a fireplace, I have to improvise. In our old house, I hung them down the staircase, but in this house I just go across the doorway between the front rooms instead. It works, and they're up high enough that the kids can't mess around with them without climbing - and for the most part they know better than to do that.

Anyway, I decided that since it appears that The Dude is going to be a permanent fixture - he needed a stocking too.

How's that for cementing a relationship? No marriage, nothing official or on paper or anything like that, but a homemade Christmas stocking instead....

I told him that this means that I have to keep him - because I don't go through all of that work for just anyone.

Hey, it's a step, right?

Not sure if he's more proud of the stocking
or his silly football team.

The universe won't. shut. up.

I don't know what's going on around me lately. I swear, the universe is yelling at me and it won't stop. It's sending all sorts of messages to me and it's trying to tell me what to do - and I don't like it.

What am I talking about?

Pull up a chair and relax - this might take a while, because I have a feeling that I might end up rambling a bit.

We all know that I have said many many many times that I will never get married again. I even went a little farther after I wrote that post, and wrote one the next day with even more reasons why I won't do it again.

And so far, I've stuck to that. I still say that I will never get married again. Twice was enough.

But you know, I have this amazing guy in my life. And I love him. A lot. And we talk about things. A lot. He knows me better than just about anyone else in the world, and he knows how my brain works (which is scary). Sometimes he can even tell me what I'm thinking even before I realize it.

We talk about things like we are married. He's looking to get rid of his van, and even found a truck that he can get in its place - but he wouldn't make the decision until I saw the truck too. Whenever there's a big event coming up, we talk about it with each other before we make the decision to go either alone or as a couple. We run things past each other to get input on whatever it is almost constantly. We've talked about moving in together, and we've even looked at a house before (although that ended up not working out as we had hoped).

But I still don't want to get married again.

Apparently, the universe has other ideas.

Every time I turn around, there's an ad like this one on my facebook page. Now, I understand that the ads are usually related to things that you've talked about or things that you've searched for - I did a search the other day for flash drives, and I'm getting flooded with ads for those now. I can understand that in a "Big Brother is watching me" kind of way - because I've searched for flash drives. But I've never searched out engagement rings. Or wedding rings. Or rings. Or anything related to weddings or marriage or anything. Yet, these ads are there. All. the. time.

Of course, we still run into the random strangers that assume that we're married. It happened to us again the other day - I don't even remember where we were this time, but again - it happened.

The kids - they know how I feel about marriage in general. But they still throw it out there occasionally. "Hey Mom, when are you guys going to get married??" Of course, they usually end up grounded after broaching the subject. (Kidding.)

Then last night.... The Dude came over, and we were both hungry. So he decided to run out and grab us some food. I told him that I didn't really care what he got so he left. When he came back with the convenient economy-sized bag of food from Taco Bell, he made some comment about "Taco Bell and lifestyle choices" or something like that. I asked him what he was talking about and he told me just to sit down and eat my food and I'd see it. So I sat down on the couch and started pulling the food out of the bag. I grabbed a handful of the sauces and glanced at them, and then remembered that they started putting little sayings on the labels.

Yeah, little sayings. That's it.

Ok, Universe - what are you trying to tell me?

The Dude and I got a good laugh out of these - and of course I had to be goofy and immediately post it to my facebook page. Apparently people know me better than I thought because no one really jumped to conclusions about it. But anyway, he and I were talking while we were eating and watching a movie, and he said that he bet that there was some schmuck out there who actually used Taco Bell sauce packets to propose (do a search on YouTube - he's right). I told him about the two proposals that I've had in the past - one was with a credit card (in place of the ring, which we used the card to buy that night) and one was over the phone. Anyway, we joked about them, we laughed, and we let it go.

But I admitted to him later - and I'm admitting it now - that while I still don't want to get married again, I'm slowly getting used to the idea that it MIGHT happen eventually.

Don't get excited. We're talking years from now. There are a lot of reasons why we should NOT get married at this point - I mean, besides the fact that I don't want to do it. Yes, most of the reasons are financial, and that might sound selfish on both of our parts, but at the same time by keeping those financial things at the forefront, we are also making sure that the main priority - the kids - are provided for to the best of our abilities. We're still talking about moving in together and we're starting to make more concrete plans for that, but even that's not going to happen until next summer (unless one of us happens to hit the lottery or something).

So I say to the universe - I hear you. I get the message. Shut up and let me figure it out on my own time, ok? I don't need you to poke me or prod me or give me little hints. I understand. The walls are coming down, but they don't need to come down all at once and bury me under the rubble, ok? Let me get used to the idea first. Give me a few months years decades time.

At least I'm willing to admit that it might happen. That's a step, right?

Answers to some more of your questions....

So on my facebook page again tonight, I asked if anyone had any questions for me to answer. I got some serious ones and some silly ones, and I'm going to answer all of them (and attempt to keep it clean) here for you.

Wendi asked: How do you keep 5 kids from killing one another, or putting you in a nuthouse on a cross country drive? I'd be scared to death to take 5 kids on TMOART.

This is actually easier than it should be. My kids are really good at travelling for some strange reason. I've done the trip twice by myself with the kids - once 3 years ago and once last year. We generally don't have many problems. They bring some little toys with them (think Happy Meal toys) and some books and things like that. But we usually just play silly car games and sing and talk. We don't have a portable DVD player or anything like that - I don't feel like spending the money on one, dealing with it breaking, or dealing with the fights over what movies to watch - I deal with that enough at home! They like to look at maps to try to figure out where we are, and that helps, especially now that they're older. And I let them play with the camera a little bit too. At least this time, we'll have The Dude with us to help run interference if necessary!

Amanda asked: Here's one for ya.....Why are weddings so damn expensive?! lol

My response to her was "Ha! I am not the person to ask about weddings! My first one was less than $1000 and my second was about $200. ....and there will not be a third one."

Seriously though, even though I dreamed of having the big traditional church wedding when I was a little girl, I didn't do it that way either time. My first wedding happened when I was about 6 months pregnant with Sarah, and we had it outside at a park. We bought meat/cheese and veggie trays at the grocery store, decorated ourselves, and cleaned up ourselves. My wedding dress was given to me by Ex1's sister and I just paid to have it altered. My Matron of Honor's dress was bought at a local outlet store for about $20. Ex1 wore a tux. A friend did the flowers. My sister took the pictures. It was a nice wedding, but it was super inexpensive.

The second wedding - we eloped. Cheap, quick, and easy. It was perfect for what we wanted to do at the time. We had planned to do a second "real" ceremony at my church, but that never happened.

Yes, I Really DID Just Say That Now STFU asked: What kind of panties are you wearing? ;)

Who said I'm wearing any? ;) OK seriously....

Nope. Not going to tell you that one. Going to let you wonder.

Not As Sweet As I Look asked: If you could be any food, what food would you be, and why?

That's a hard one. My first answer would be chocolate - sweet and decadent, and everyone (who is normal) loves it. But pizza is always good too - it's versatile. You can put just about anything on it, it's good hot or cold, it can be breakfast, lunch, supper, or a late-night snack....and it's just good.

An anonymous person asked: Why do you say that there will not be a 3rd wedding for you? If you are in love with the Dude, why won't you marry him?

Well, as I mentioned above, I've been married twice. Neither one of those worked out for various reasons, and when the marriages ended I was devastated. Frankly, I don't want to play that game again. I love The Dude with all my heart, and we are planning for our future. He's ok with not getting married - we don't believe that we have to have a piece of paper and a big ceremony to prove that we love each other. There are also financial reasons why it is better for us NOT to get married - not the least of which is the Social Security that I receive as long as I am not married. Some people have told me that this is a purely selfish reason to not get married again but I don't see it that way. For now, my kids' needs are being met every month without fail, and that's not something that I am willing to throw away for any reason. Call it selfish, call it practical, call it whatever you want, but it is what it is. At some point, probably in the fall after the kids are back in school, I plan on getting a "real" job so that I am not fully dependent on the Social Security, but for now I think my time is better suited to being a mom, first and foremost.

Cecile asked: What is your favorite 'me' moment. We know you're doing this alone (up until now, at least. No offense Dude!) so what do you do to unwind thats just for you?

Hmmmmm....honestly, I don't get a lot of down time, but when I do, I'm usually online *gasp*....or I kick back and watch a movie and do my nails. Or I go out and walk/jog - which I haven't been doing enough of lately.

Kerry (aka The Dude) asked: Since we first met, my dear NSM, what moment sticks out in your mind as your favorite?

That's a tough one, babe. You do things every day that still amaze me. However, probably the most favorite of the favorites would be (in no particular order) the first kiss, the trip to OKC in January, planning TMOART:12 with you, and seeing you at the finish line at my races.

I still can't believe that you are willing to drive across the country with me and 5 kids....

Yes, I Really DID Just Say That Now STFU asked: How does the Dude "measure up" to all of your ex's? Take that one, Kerry!!! lol

Well, he's taller than both of my ex-husbands, but shorter than Alex's father. And I'll let that one go right there. ;)

Cecile asked: Does he wear his purty, shiny hat ALL the time? Bahahaha

For those who don't know, The Dude is a very outspoken guy in the political realm. He has an internet radio show that he does every Sunday night and also goes on other shows throughout the week. His nickname on that side of things is "Conspiracy Theorist" and as a joke, he made a tinfoil hat, which he wore in one of his pictures on his facebook page. Our friend Cecile (among others) loves to hassle him about his hat - but he gets a kick out of it.

Funny thing is that I am about as anti-political as possible. Seriously. I don't talk politics. I don't really pay attention to politics. But that hasn't been an issue in our relationship. While his passion is to put the information out there for people to draw their own conclusions, he doesn't push his agenda on anyone - including me.

If you're interested in hearing what he has to say, you can check out his facebook page too. Just keep in mind, views expressed on his page do not necessarily reflect my views, blah blah blah yada yada yada....

But to answer your question, Cecile - he only wears it to annoy me occasionally. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if he wears it to bed when I'm not around to see it! ;)


So there you have it. The answers to your burning questions. These are fun to do occasionally, so keep your eye out, and I might do it again sometime after we get back from vacation!

Another question answered....

To continue with the questions that I have been asked so far....

The Dude asked:

Since our relationship started, what has been the most pleasant surprise and what has been the worst?

This was a hard one. But in a good way. So I'm going to answer it directly to him.

The most pleasant surprise has been the way that we have just connected with each other. It happened quickly and easily, and I have never felt more comfortable with anyone than I do with you. I feel like I can tell you anything, and our hours upon hours of conversations about anything, everything, and nothing have proven that. The kids are crazy about you, and I can see the bond growing between you and them every time that you are with them. I feel like our families are just combining into one, and it has been utterly amazing.

Now, the worst surprise....this was harder to figure out in my head, because I honestly couldn't come up with anything that hasn't been positive. Then, my mind went into overdrive and I started to panic because I couldn't come up with anything. So, then I started worrying - what if things are too perfect? Too good to be true? And we've talked about this, so I know that I'm not surprising you at all. But the worst surprise is that things are so good.

I've been telling myself for a long time - for a couple of years, honestly - that I was never going to get into another relationship again. I didn't want the hassle. I didn't want the heartache that I knew would eventually come out of being in one. But with you, I couldn't help myself. We stumbled into this and it has been wonderful and amazing. And I want to keep it that way for a very long time. I'm not afraid of this anymore.

But not being afraid of the whole "relationship thing" has forced me to change my whole way of thinking. I have to realize that I'm not alone in this crazy life that I have anymore. I don't have to do everything on my own. I can ask you for help when I need it. I've been alone for so long that this has been a huge adjustment for me. I joke around about "being old and set in my ways" but it's really true - and now my old and set ways are changing and I'm looking at life differently. I look at the future and I see you in it - and that makes me happier than I've ever been in my life.

Things aren't turning out like I had planned - I was content to be single and alone for the rest of my life, and then you came along and jacked that all up for me. But you know, if that's the worst thing that has happened since our relationship started, I think I can handle that.



(And just to make it clear to everyone, I still have no intentions of getting married again.)

Why I don't want to do it again - Part II

So apparently last night's post got lots of people thinking. I love the comments that I got on it, both publicly and privately. They gave me lots of insight into something that has been on my mind a lot over the past couple of years.

I've been saying that I will never get married again. I've said that I've done it twice, I've failed miserably both times, so what's the point in trying it a third time? I've said that I don't believe in marriage anymore. I've said that I'd rather 'live in sin' with someone for the rest of my life than to take the chance of getting married again.

Then today, a single comment on my facebook page got me thinking. It was a comment where I had posted the link to last night's blog and it said "Sounds more like the CHOICE of men, that are the problem." To be completely honest, at first I took that as a snarky comment and almost snapped at the guy who said it. But then I started thinking about it a little bit more and I realized that he was right.

I chose to marry those guys. And those choices turned out to be not so great. At the time(s) I thought that I was making the right choice(s). But I didn't - I was wrong.

I don't trust myself to make that kind of a decision at this point in my life.

That's it. That's my big epiphany. Seems so simple, huh?

In reality, it is simple. We, as human beings, have to trust - ourselves and others. Without trust, we walk through life wondering if we're being done wrong. And that wondering leads to questioning everything - our motives, other people's motives, everything.

I have always been a very trusting person, almost to a fault. And it has come back to bite me in the butt more times than I care to recall. Because of my unfailing trust in others, I have been lied to, cheated on, abused physically and emotionally...the list goes on forever. I have almost always totally blamed the other person, and until recently hadn't looked at myself and the role that my choices played in those scenarios.

Had I made different choices, most of those negative experiences wouldn't have happened. But now, I'm looking at myself more than ever. And I'm looking at myself through the eyes of someone who has finally realized that instant gratification isn't always lasting - just because I might think that I want something right now doesn't mean that it is something that I will want in the future.

At the same time, not wanting something right now doesn't mean that I won't want it at some point in my life. Right now, I have no desire to be married - but I think that stems more from fear than from anything else. I don't have enough faith in myself yet to even think about taking that kind of a step.

The funny thing is that when I went over to The Dude's house today, I told him what was going through my mind - that I don't trust myself enough to even think about something as crazy as marriage right now and he told me that he had pretty much already figured that out, just from reading what I had written last night. I gave him the look and he showed me in the post where he had come to the same conclusion. I don't know how he does it, but he gets me. And he still puts up with me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that right now, my plan is to never get married again - that hasn't changed. But I will admit that at some point in the future, there is a possibility that I might change my mind. But until I know that I can trust myself to make the right decision, I'm sticking with "never".

And people wonder why I don't want to do it again...

I keep telling everyone that I am never getting married again. And people laugh at me and say "oh, you'll change your mind one of these days".

I really don't think so.

I started cleaning out my filing cabinet today. There was a lot of junk in there that I'll go through later, but the worst part was the paperwork. There was so much of it.

Some of it - not so bad. Kids' report cards and drawings and love notes that they had written to me. Those made me smile.

But as I dug deeper, I started getting into the ugly stuff. Really ugly stuff. And I had to go through it and look at it and sort it out and organize it.

Nasty letters to and from attorneys from my first divorce. Letters stating how I was a horrible mother and shouldn't have custody of my kids. Documentation of my failings as a parent. Detailed lists of the items that my first husband wanted out of our home when we divorced. Court documents regarding the domestic violence in my second marriage. Arrest reports with sordid details about my second husband's drunken rages and his DUI arrest. Documentation of counseling that we were forced to go to in order for me to even have any hopes of keeping my kids.

I went through all of it. I sorted it out and put it in mostly chronological order and put it in files marked "Divorce #1" and "Divorce #2" and I put them in their place in the drawer before I really realized just how huge the files are. So much ugliness in those two fat manila folders. I hope that I never have to look at them again. But it seems like every time I put them away, something comes up and I have to dig them out again.

I'm not perfect - I never said that I was. But seeing it all in black and white again just brought back so many things that I had left buried in the past. And I will admit that right now, I am angry at both of my exes, but at the same time I am also angry at myself. I made some crappy choices back then and while I suffered the consequences, my kids went through hell too. They went through hell because of choices that I made - and no child should have to go through that.

But they did. We did. And while we got through it and we survived it, I don't want to risk doing that to them again. I don't want to risk doing it to myself again. I'm terrified of failing at marriage a third time. I don't want to have to add a third folder to that collection.

I know what you're thinking - I have this wonderful guy in my life now, and wouldn't it be great if.........?

First off, it is way too early to even be thinking about that. Rushing into things is just a small part of where those two folders originated.

Have we talked about it? Yep. Have we joked around about it? All the time. In fact, our favorite joke started because it seems like no matter where we go, people assume that we're married. So The Dude has taken to calling me "Wifey" - and I respond with my nickname for him: "Never". He knows my feelings on marriage - I made that clear to him from the very beginning (actually I think I made it clear to him even before our first date, just to be safe).

Am I crazy about him? Oh, hell yes.
Do I want to be with him as much as possible? Yep.
Do I see a future for us together? Yep.
Have we talked about moving in together at some point in the semi-distant future? Yep. (Don't get excited - we're talking 1-2 years from now, depending on lots of different factors.)
Do I foresee us getting married? Nope.

Maybe that's a little harsh. But honestly, right now, I have no desire to ever be married again. The first two times were brutal on me and on the kids. We've been hurt too deeply too many times by men who claimed that they loved us. At this point, I have lost all faith in marriage. Vows don't seem to mean as much as they used to for so many people. I see people in long-term relationships that function so much better than couples who are married - so why ruin a good thing by making it "official"?

Maybe, just maybe, at some point I'll change my mind. I don't know how he's doing it, but somehow The Dude has been knocking down the walls that I so carefully built and he's making me feel things that I swore I would never feel again. And for some reason, I'm ok with it. We talk about things like this a lot, and I am open and honest with him about everything. He knows what I'm thinking - sometimes before I even say it.

How he puts up with me is a mystery to me. But I'm so glad that he does. And I just hope that he will continue to put up with me (and the chaos that is my life) for a very long time - whether or not we ever decide to make it official.

An Open Letter to my ExLaws

Dear Family:

Let me start out by saying that I am sorry for the way that things have turned out between us. This is not how I wanted our relationship to be. When I married Jeff, I had visions of the perfect life, the perfect marriage, and the fairy tale ending in my dreams. Sadly, it didn’t turn out that way – at all.

However, there are some things that I need to say to you before any attempt at a "relationship" is made between you and Daniel. Honestly, at this point I am not even sure that I want him to have a relationship with any of you – this is something that I have struggled with for a long time, not just since Jeff's death.

My life, and Daniel's life changed forever on May 6, 2009 when I asked Jeff to leave our home for the last time. So many things happened leading up to that night, and I am quite sure that you know little or nothing about any of them. I'm fairly comfortable saying that I doubt that you know about the majority of the times that I had to call the police to our home because Jeff was in a drunken rage. I doubt that you know about the time that he choked me when I was 6 months pregnant with Daniel, or the time that he knocked me flat on the floor and almost broke my glasses, or the time that he kicked me because I finally figured out that he was hiding the bottles of booze in his boots. I'm assuming that he didn't tell you that the reason that I finally asked him to leave that night was because he was so intoxicated that he had pulled a knife out and was waving it around in front of the kids like a raving lunatic.

I doubt that you know about any of this. Why? Because since May 6, 2009, you haven't asked. You haven't picked up the phone to call and check on the well-being of your grandson. You haven't sent a letter explaining your feelings toward me. You have made no attempt at contact at all. To be brutally honest with you, that pisses me off. As far as I'm concerned, you wrote Daniel out of your lives more than two years ago. You weren’t there for Daniel when we lost our home and were within days of being on the street because Jeff refused to authorize the mortgage company to talk to me. You weren't there for Daniel when we lost the van because Jeff refused to work with me to renew the tags on it.

Jeff always used the excuse that because I had filed the PFA against him (after he threatened to kill me, by the way), no one in his family could contact me. Well, guess what? He left here on May 6, 2009. The PFA wasn't served to him until around mid-December 2009. Where were the phone calls during that 7 months? Where were the letters then? There was no legal reason at that time preventing you from contacting your grandson. YOU CHOSE NOT TO.

Even while the PFA was in effect, there was nothing preventing you from contacting Daniel. NOTHING. One call to me would have confirmed that. One call to the local police department here would have confirmed that. Did you do it? Nope. You chose not to have contact with Daniel. For the record, Jeff's visitation with Daniel was not limited during that time either. The judge informed him during the hearing for the PFA that he could have contact with Daniel ANY TIME HE WANTED TO, but he also chose to ignore him, his own son.

After the PFA expired, it took less than 12 hours for Jeff to call and start harassing me again. Did you call to check on Daniel? Nope. Again, you made the choice to ignore him.

Did you bother to call me and let me know that Jeff was sick? Or that he had been admitted to the hospital? No. Had I known, I might have allowed Daniel to talk to him on the phone one last time. But you robbed both Jeff and Daniel of that chance.

When Mary called to tell me that the family wanted to have a "relationship" with Daniel, I was angry. How could anyone who ignored a beautiful, smart, funny, amazing little boy for 2 years be deserving of having a relationship with him? You don't deserve anything from him. Nothing. He didn't deserve to be written off by his own flesh and blood – he didn't make that choice - you made it for him.

One thing that I don't deserve is the blame for Jeff's death. It is not my fault. I didn't force him to drink bottles upon bottles of booze every week. Yes, alcoholism is a disease and it clouded his thinking, but guess what? There's treatment for the disease – he made the choice to refuse that treatment. Mary informed me that he was in such a "deep, dark depression" because I wouldn't allow him to have contact with Daniel, and that it was that depression ultimately caused his death. What kind of a mother would I be if I allowed my toddler son to have a conversation with someone who was so drunk that his words were slurring? Yes, most of our phone conversations ended by me hanging up on him – but that's because I don't deserve to be spoken to like he did, and I don't have to be subjected to a drunk, either in person or on the phone.

I don't really care what you opinion is of me. You don't have to like me. But you have an amazing grandson here that you have ignored for more than two years. And nothing that you can do can make up for that, and nothing you can say will make me forgive you for it. You can come up with every excuse in the book, and I don't care – the point is that you never made the effort. Distance shouldn't be an issue – in this day and age, family can maintain a relationship from opposite sides of the world, if they choose to do so.

Like I always told Jeff – "it's all about choices". He chose to drink, he chose to refuse treatment, and those choices ultimately led to his death. You made the choice to ignore Daniel. I made the choice to remove myself and my kids from a potentially dangerous situation.

Don't get me wrong – I am absolutely devastated by Jeff's death. I never knew that it was possible to hurt this much, even after more than 3 months. I still loved him, and in a way I still do. I always hoped that he would get the treatment that he needed and that he would once again be the man that I fell in love with, and that we could make another attempt at having a real family again. I never wanted things to turn out the way that they have, but I had to do what I did in order to protect my kids and myself.

Daniel is sitting here on my lap as I type this. He's drawing pictures in a notebook and talking a mile a minute, and every now and then he turns to me and wipes the tears from my face. He has no idea that half of his family has ignored him for the past 2 years, because I haven't told him. He's too little to understand. His life consists of the family and friends who have been here for him without fail, and he is so happy and healthy and well-adjusted and smart because of the positive influences in his life. I refuse to allow negativity into his world right now – he is too young, and he has plenty of time as he gets older to deal with that.

If you are going to be a part of his life, I ask that you respect my feelings. As I said before, I don't expect you to like me or to agree with the decisions that I made, but I ask that you respect them. I did, and continue to do, what I believe is the best for my family. I will not tolerate anyone belittling me (or Jeff) in front of any of my children. I will do anything that I feel that I need to do to protect myself and my kids from any threat or negative influence out there.

It's up to you. If you want to have a healthy, positive relationship with Daniel, I give you my blessing.

Sincerely,
Amy