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Saturday, June 9, 2012

5 years ago...

The story of Daniel's birth is one that I haven't told in great detail for a lot of reasons. But I'm going to tell it now - for those very same reasons.

This is what I looked like on June 9, 2007. Daniel wasn't due until June 19, and I wasn't having any symptoms of going into labor, but we decided to take a picture anyway, and I am so glad that we did!

If you have been following my blog for any length of time, you might remember that Daniel's father was an alcoholic. He battled it for many years, but it didn't work. He continued to drink. And when he drank, he could be very mean and at times was even physically abusive. I had told him numerous times throughout my pregnancy that if he was drunk when I went into labor, I would go to the hospital myself - hoping that the threat would keep him from drinking. But, it didn't work.

That night, he was drunk. He went upstairs to bed and passed out fairly early in the night. I sat up to watch a movie - "Deep Impact" - until it was over around 2:00am on Sunday morning, June 10. During the movie, I started to feel....funky. I had a bizarre pain that kept coming and going every 5 minutes, but it wasn't a contraction so I wasn't too concerned. But, it continued. Finally, at the end of the movie I decided that I would just go ahead and go to the hospital - even if I wasn't in labor, I thought that if he woke up and I was gone, it might make him think twice before he took the next drink.

I got up off of the couch and walked into the kitchen to get the charger for my phone to put in my bag, and then went around the corner to go up the steps to get a receiving blanket. As I lifted my leg to go up the first step, my water broke - and when I say "broke" I really mean that it exploded. Everywhere. This had never happened with the previous 4 pregnancies, so I started to panic. I stood there thinking to myself "this is my 5th kid, my water just exploded, and this kid is going to come NOW!" So I started yelling for him to wake up. Every time I took a breath to yell, more fluid gushed out, making me panic even more. Finally, he woke up and realized what was happening - I told him to grab a towel from the upstairs bathroom and get moving. He brought me the towel and I basically diapered myself with it and told him to meet me in the van - and don't forget the carseat.

I walked out the back door, calling the hospital to let them know that I was on my way. As I stepped out of the door, I felt my hair stand up on end and realized that there was lightning in the sky - everywhere around me. I waddled as fast as I could to the van and waited for him. Finally, he came out, with his cigarettes in his hand, but no carseat. I yelled at him, asking him where the carseat was, and he started to turn around to go back and get it, and a contraction hit. I told him to forget about it, get into the van, and DRIVE!

It was the scariest drive ever. Here he was, drunk, driving me to the hospital. I should have driven, but I wasn't sure that I could in the condition that I was in at the time. When we got to the hospital, he dropped me off at the ER entrance and went to park the van. I bolted waddled as fast as I could to the maternity wing and quickly told a nurse that my husband was coming behind me, and he was drunk. She assured me that if he created a scene, he would be asked to leave.

We got to my room and I got the epidural almost immediately. He passed out on the recliner in the room and I was able to doze off and on for a few hours. By the time I was in active labor, he was sober. I have to admit that he was fantastic while I labored and throughout the delivery. We were both happy and it was a great moment. He stayed throughout the day, and went home that night.

The next morning I was scheduled to get my tubes tied. He got there before I left for surgery and waited until I was done. Then he said that he was going to go back to the house to check the mail. I was suspicious, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. He came back a few hours later carrying a travel mug, and one look at his face told me that my suspicions were correct. He was wasted. He walked back out of the room to get something from the cafeteria, and the nurses immediately descended on my room, and they informed me that he had walked into the wrong room before he got to mine, and they were ready to call for security. Instead, we came up with a code - if when he came back to the room, either the nurses or I felt that he needed to be removed from the premises, we would say something about calling "Dr. Smith" (the pediatrician).

He came back in minus the travel mug, and Dr. Smith was right behind him. The nurse and I looked at each other like "oh crap, what about our code?" He immediately started getting mouthy with the doctor, telling her that she needed to go get HIM something to eat. She looked at the nurse and said "I think you need to make that phone called that we discussed" and the nurse walked out of the room.

Within minutes, there were 4 city police officers in my room surrounding me. Two of them pulled my husband out of the room while 2 stayed with me, questioning me. Sadly, they were all-too-familiar with our situation, as they had all been to our house before due to the history of violence during his drinking binges. He was escorted off of the hospital property and told not to return - ever. I was quickly moved to a different room in the off-chance that he managed to sneak back in unnoticed. I was devastated.

I spent the rest of the day on Monday talking to a social worker about the situation, crying most of the time. What was supposed to be such a joyous event turned into something that was gut-wrenching and heartbreaking. Daniel and I were dismissed on Tuesday, and for the second time I left the hospital with a newborn alone and drove myself home. I hoped that he would greet us at the door, happy to see us, taking pictures of Daniel's homecoming. Instead, I walked into the house with our newborn son and found him passed out on the floor of the living room. Here I was, 2 days after delivering our son, walking back and forth across the back yard, bring load after load of stuff in from the van - including everything that I had picked up from WalMart on the way home. And he was passed out drunk.

And so continued our life together. He eventually went through rehab, and stayed sober for 99 days - and life was good. But on the 100th day he made the choice to drink again. He continued to drink until well after I asked him to leave our home permanently on May 6, 2009.

So why am I telling this story in detail now? It's certainly not to badmouth Daniel's father. He was a good man but he had demons that were too strong for him to defeat. I have no doubt that he loved Daniel until the day that he died.

I am telling this now because there are so many details of those few days that people don't know about. I have kept a lot of this to myself for 5 years because I was scared and embarrassed to tell the truth about what happened. But, as we celebrate Daniel's 5th birthday this weekend, it brings so many emotions to the surface for me. For him to have come into this world in the middle of such a messed up set of circumstances, he is an amazing little boy. He is smart and funny and happy and healthy - and he shows me that no matter how horrible the situation is, something wonderful can come out of it. He has taught me more about love and strength than anyone else that I know. I knew that even in the darkest days following his father's death that we would get through it, and that we would get through it together.

He doesn't really remember his father. He recognizes him in pictures, and he tells me that his "daddy died and went to Heaven" but he is still too young to really comprehend what that means. Right now, he knows that his father was sick - and as he gets older he will ask more questions, and I know that those questions will become harder to answer, but we will get through it - just as we have been doing.

We had a little party for him today since the older 3 kids are leaving in the morning. We had cake and ice cream and presents, and The Dude and his mother were here to share in it. He walked around all day today proclaiming that although he is 4 years old today, tomorrow he will be 5!



Tomorrow, he celebrates. And I will continue to reflect on the circumstances that brought him into this world while we celebrate with him - and I won't be scared or embarrassed about it any longer.

21 comments:

  1. I could say so many things here, with relevancy and emotions. I chose instead to point out a moment today, that made me proud of my influences on the boy.

    "I really love my shark!"

    Indeed, Daniel, indeed...

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    1. He loves you, babe, and I am so thankful that you are in our lives. You have been a wonderful influence on him and the other kids and for that I can't thank you enough.

      He's sleeping with the shark, too. :)

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    2. There is no closet monster or under the bed goblin that dare's do battle with... Sleepytime Shark!!!!

      The influence, the example... I walked into our relationship knowing that I was going to be in a position of teaching, guiding and authority... also one that might be seen as surrogate parenting. I don't show it openly, but there are times that I wonder if I'm doing it right... then something happens, like the wiping of one's own backside or putting on a seatbelt alone, that tells me I'm at least on the right track... like when I say "Dinner was good, MOM." and get the parroting responses.
      I love all of you and it is in fact exactly what I signed up for.

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    3. You are definitely on the right track - and questioning yourself is normal, trust me!

      I love you.

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  2. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. It's still a beautiful birth story. You are an amazingly strong woman, and I am so glad you shared this story. Happy 5 th birthday to your precious boy! :)

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  3. This had to be hard to write, and even harder to face those demons yourself. But as your friend I am very very proud of you. I know what the life in alcoholism can do to amazing people. Your ability to acknowledge that through it all the real reason for his failures and fall was his addiction, and not him as a person, speaks volumes. This was a great post, as all of them are. <3

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    1. Thank you! While I was living through it, it was hard to admit that it was the disease and not HIM. But I know that now....and as cliched as it sounds, I know that he is in a much better place and is finally free from the demons.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your story. It is a wonderful story, and Daniel will know how amazingly strong his mom is. You are an inspiration, Amy.

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    1. Thank you so much. Sharing stories like this is always hard on me, and I am so thankful for all of the kind words! :)

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  5. Life happens while we are making other plans...You did not plan this...
    You are one strong broad and I mean that with all due respect!
    Hugs, Beth

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  6. I think what's important about telling this story is that alcoholism can sometimes be passed down (not going to be debate the genetics vs environment argument), but as someone who has alcoholism in both sides of my family, my parents opted to be very honest and open about the addiction so we could recognize the warning signs in ourselves and our siblings (one of who DID become addicted and chose to quit drinking immediately when he saw the warning signs).. I think by raising your son with knowledge, you empower him by giving him the choice of taking responsibility for his future. And when he's old enough to understand this story - he will admire you for your strength.. and maybe be a little in awe Hopefully all this makes sense.. I'm tired.. but basically, you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, your story is beautiful - as are you and your family! :)

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    1. Thank you so much! I do believe that there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, so this is something that we will definitely be discussing as Daniel gets older. I do not want him to take that same path, and hopefully through our awareness, we can keep that from happening!

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  7. Ames, you have grown up through a lot of obstacles to be an awesome example for your children. While you don't have an addiction demon on your tail, you do have more than your share of your own demons. I believe this blog is your psychologist. It gives you the opportunity to tell your story and get feedback from your readers. And once it is written, you are "cleansed" in a sense and can move on. I think it would be really awesome if you could make a family book of all these blog posts for your children to read one day. What a legacy.

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    1. I have actually thought about doing that, but I haven't made any definite decisions yet. When I started blogging, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do with it, but it was fun. As time has passed, it has definitely become cathartic for me and has helped me to work through a lot of stuff - and as a bonus, I have had people contact me to tell me how it helped them. If even one person can take something away from this, then it's worth the time that I put into it.

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  8. BOY HOW DO I ADD A COMMENT IT IS A HARD THING TO DO. THIS STORY MADE ME CRY AND BEING A MOTHER TO TWO AND GRANDMOTHER OF FIVE I JUST WANTED TO RUN TO YOU AND HUG YOU TIGHT AND TELL YOU YOUR AMAZING.WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT, I'M YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. WHEN YOU PUT THESE ADORABLE PICTURES OF DANIEL ON YOUR BLOG THEY GET SWEETER AND SWEETER. YOU MAY NOT NOTICE BUT SINCE KERRY CAME INTO YOUR LIFE HE JUST SEEMS HAPPIER.
    THE PAST IS THE PAST AND TOMORROW ALL GOOD THINGS FOR YOU,KERRY AND THE KIDS. YOUR A TEAM. LOVE YOU AND A GREAT BIG GRANNY HUG TO DANIEL ON HIS SPECIAL DAY. GRANNY TG

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    1. Thank you very much! We are definitely on the right path to a fantastic future!

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  9. Wow. I can't believe it's been 5 years. I remember waiting on news. Feels like yesterday. You know, out of all of it the saddest was driving home alone and having no greeting committee
    I remember that so well too. You amaze me all the time with your incredible resilience Ames. Happy 5th year to you and Daniel :)

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    1. I drove home alone with both Alex and Daniel - and they both went to WalMart before they ever got home! ;) But since the little suckers decided to come early, I wasn't prepared and had no choice. LOL They definitely weren't the idea homecomings, but it's ok.

      I can't believe it's been 5 years either. It's really kind of mind-boggling.

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  10. I thought I posted a comment last night, but I may not have because of using my phone to read it. <3 This is a story that I remember so well.....and I seriously can't believe that it's been 5 years already!!!! It's been an amazing 5 years, with many ups, downs and in betweens, but you've come out of it on the other side, and are such an inspiration to so many! I feel SO blessed to call you one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world. You are an amazing Mom, and Daniel is SO lucky to be yours! Love you chicka.

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