Too Close to Home

This came up on my calendar today, and the timing of it couldn't have been better.

If you've been following the news (or my page) you know that there was a mass shooting very close to here just a few days ago.

So close that the cops tore past my house so fast that I couldn't even tell what color the cars were.

So close that I raced around town, picking my kids up from various places to make sure that they were home and safe.

So close that we locked our doors - something that we never do - until we knew for a fact that the shooter acted alone and was down.

So close that I couldn't tear myself away from the media coverage, my eyes searching the crowds on TV, trying to spot anyone that I knew to make sure that they were safe.

So close that one of my acquaintances was among the injured, and I recognized the name of one of those killed.

So close that I had no choice but to explain to my kids what had actually happened.

Too close.  Entirely too close.

The day after the shooting, it was revealed that the shooter had been served a PFA (Protection From Abuse order, AKA a restraining order) about 90 minutes before he went on his rampage. His former girlfriend filed it on him, alleging that he had physically abused her on at least one occasion.

As soon as that information was released, the discussion of domestic violence began. And of course it's impossible not to read the comments when articles like that are posted. And of course the discussions and the resulting comments and arguments and victim blaming brought back all sorts of not-so-fun stuff from my past - and it's been eating me alive for days now.

For the most part, I'm over it. Yes, I was a victim of domestic violence. Yes, it was horrible. But my life doesn't revolve around it. It is a part of my past, but it doesn't define me, because I won't allow it to do that. It's not something that I normally talk about on a daily basis - but every now and then, something brings it back to the surface and it eats at me. I think back to all of the reasons why I stayed for so long, and I relive certain moments and I feel the pain and the heartache all over again. And then I look at where I am now and realize that no matter how bleak things appeared to be at the time, I'm in such a good place now. But it's a constant battle in my head - between remembering the horrible times in the past and appreciating the good ones now.

And I know that as a community, we are strong. We are so incredibly strong. The outpouring of support from surrounding areas has been amazing and humbling. Our little rural area of Kansas has been thrust into the national spotlight, and we are shining through the darkness.

At the same time that all of this was happening, probably even within the same 24-hour period, I found out that not only is one of my friends dying from cancer - but so is another one. I knew about the first one. At least I knew that he was sick, but to receive the news that it had progressed so far so fast hit me like a freight train. The second one? I had no clue. I totally missed the posts about her condition until I went looking for her to ask her a question, and found out that she's dying. The freight train backed up and hit me a second time. Once again, I'm standing here questioning everything. Why do these things happen? Why is it always the good guys? Why can't we all just get along and why can't everyone live long and healthy and happy lives? Why does life have to be so damned hard?

It's been a rough few days, to say the least. I've been forcing myself to go out and run even when I didn't want to - because I know if I don't, I'll just sit here and eat everything and be lazy and be miserable and slide down into that hole that I try so hard to avoid. But luckily I have my Sole Sis/Slave Driver who keeps me going. She keeps forcing me to run, but that's what I need right now - because I know that if I don't get out and run, I'll feel like crap from sitting around like a lump. If I do run, I still feel like crap, but it's a good kind of crap (if that makes any sense at all). And the running is getting easier, and I do feel better - and that helps so much with the mental stuff right now.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. That's all that any of us can do. Keep going, don't stop, and eventually we'll get through all of the crap.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

#HesstonStrong

Busy busy day

Yesterday was non-stop running. But it was awesome.

We started out at our local information fair for families and kids in the area.

At one of the booths, the kids could do a "check up" on
a stuffed animal.

The local humane society had a couple of puppies there.

Exploring the ambulance.

Obligatory shot in front of the fire truck.

"Mom! It's so heavy!"

Even he thought that it was pretty heavy.

In the fire truck, like 'real live firefighters'!!

Without a doubt, one of my favorite pictures of the day. He
was in heaven to have a 'real live firefighter' help him with the headset.

After we got done there, we took off for the library for a little bit to return some stuff, get some more stuff, and kill a little bit of time before our next destination for the day.

....and they walked out of there with free books. To keep.

Then it was time to head back across town to a home and garden show.

Best. tostada. EVAH.

Let's see if we can keep these alive, shall we?

The annual painting of the gourds.

Finished product.

Ta-daaaaaa!!!!

Then we took off for the park to burn off just a little bit more energy...

Alex's father picked him up shortly after this, and Daniel and I came home to relax. The Dude came over later, and the three of us went out for a late supper.

Those two are like peas in a pod...

Waiting patiently for his food....

Long, fun, awesome, fantastic day. Just what we needed.

Why do I take so many pictures?

I wish I knew how many times I've been asked that question. I really do. It's no secret that my camera goes with me everywhere I go, and I take pictures constantly. It drives my kids nuts sometimes, but I do it anyway....I mean really, isn't part of my job to make sure that my kids are constantly annoyed?

To be completely honest though, it's because I don't want to forget a thing.

Take today, for example....

Early morning weather check - it would appear
that Mother Nature still hasn't regulated
her meds.

Alex hiding from the camera during breakfast.

Sometimes I don't even mind catching my messy house in the pictures.
It's messy, but there's food in the cabinets, hot cinnamon rolls for
breakfast, and fresh brownies for the kids' lunches.
I think we're all going to survive a little clutter.

A little bit of low-lying fog on the way to school this morning.

And this - I just thought that this was cool.

Emily, with the typical "why so many pictures, mom?" look.

I just can't resist a good sunrise, even if my windows are dirty.

Kansas. Period.

Green wheat and a wild turkey.

Seriously? Why do people do this?
(For the record, they've been there for over a year.)

Nothing like looking ahead and seeing a train that appears to be coming
right at you.

I love being able to catch these moments.

Playing under the bridge on the way home from school.

Love this - it's so typical. Alex being the daredevil, while Daniel
is "being tricky" and walking backwards. Let it be known that Daniel
chose his own clothes this morning. I take no responsibility
for his fashion choices.

Probably some of my favorite pictures of this kid are of him
sleeping in weird places.

These are the moments that I don't want to lose.

Life can change so fast. I follow the page of a woman who we know who lost her young son in a tragic accident earlier this year. She posts pictures and memories of him regularly, and I can't help but think to myself that she is so lucky that she took lots of pictures of him - pictures that probably seemed silly at the time have so much significance now, both to her and to others.

I was reminded again tonight about how quickly life can change. As I mentioned on my facebook page, I managed to stalk locate an old friend from college. He was my then-boyfriend's best friend, and there was a big group of us that all hung out and did a LOT of drinking together. We all went our separate ways after we left Penn State and most of us lost touch with each other. As soon as I found him tonight, I sent him a friend request and we started chatting and catching up on the past *cough* almost 20 *cough* years.

As it turns out, the guy that I was dating - his best friend - died last year from an aneurysm. On his birthday. He was only about a month younger than me.

Life is too short. In the blink of an eye, it can all change...or it can end. I want to remember each moment - because we never know how many of those moments we have left.



Thanks for the reminder, Rich. May you rest in peace.

RIP Uncle Sam

October 22, 1937 - October 5, 2011


It's been many years since I've seen him - I think it may have been in 2000 when I went back for my Aunt Doris' funeral. As a child, I remember Uncle Sam being tall, so tall....and he was big. Not fat, just big! And he had this huge booming voice that let everyone know what he thought - whether you wanted to know or not! And he was always bald, or nearly bald. I remember being slightly terrified of him when I was younger, simply because he was larger than life.

I remember his house - the only one that I ever remember him and Aunt Dorothy living in. It was an old Victorian home, and it was made at least partially of stone. There was a stone wall in the yard with an archway in it, and I always thought that it was the coolest. thing. ever.

I should have gone to see him and Aunt Dorothy when we were back in Pennsylvania, but I didn't. No excuses - I just didn't. And that's something that I will always regret.

But now, for him there is no more cancer. No more doctors poking and prodding. No more pain.

Just peace.