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Saturday, February 2, 2013

Two years.

Today is an anniversary. Not a happy one, either.

I wrote this post 2 years ago today, just a few hours after it happened. I wrote this one on the first anniversary, one year ago today. You can go back and read those to get the full story - because I'm not going to relive it again.

I read both of them a few hours ago. And I cried. It still hurts, even after two years and all of the progress that I've made - it. still. hurts.

I don't get it.

For the most part, life is good. If you know me in real life or if you've read my blog for any extended period of time, you know I'm generally a very happy person. However, I've been dreading this day for weeks but was hopeful that it wouldn't bother me that much.

Wrong.

Contrary to what some people might believe, it still really gets to me.

I don't really know what it is that bothers me. There are so many mixed emotions and it's so hard to explain to anyone - including myself - what is going through my head right now

For the most part, I don't feel guilty. I mean, I do - but I don't. I know that I didn't force him to drink. In fact, I did everything in my power while we were together to get him to stop drinking - but he wouldn't couldn't. I firmly believe that I did everything that I could, but a part of me still wonders if I couldn't have done more. But I will never know the answer to that.

I still grieve the loss of what could have been. When I married him, I wanted the happily ever after. But we didn't get that. Even after we separated, I still wanted it. I still hoped that he would get sober and we could reconcile and get that happily ever after. But it didn't happen. That hope was yanked out from under me the day that he died.

I am sad that Daniel will never know his father. He wasn't even 2 years old when we separated so I doubt that he remembers anything. He recognizes his father in pictures, and he knows that his father got sick and died and is in Heaven now - but he's too young to understand much more than that. The older kids remember more, obviously - and we keep our talks about him centered around the good memories rather than the bad ones, as much for Daniel's sake as for our own.

I know that as time goes on, it will get easier. It is already easier in many ways - but there are still days that it sneaks up on me and it still takes me by surprise. Maybe one of these years, the day will just go on past and I won't even remember the significance of the date until later. Maybe it'll happen next year, or the year after, or 10 years down the road. Maybe it will never happen.

All I know right now is that no matter how happy I am, there is still that sadness. It's not so much for me as it is for Daniel. And although I am sad that he will never know his father, I am thrilled that he has The Dude in his life to take on the role of a father figure for him. Knowing that he will grow up with a man in his life who loves all of us in spite of everything makes the sadness easier to handle.

It's not the life that I had planned - but it's the life that we have now. And we are doing whatever we can to make sure that it is the best life possible.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


March 27, 2006 - our wedding day

8 comments:

  1. Thoughts and prayers for you and your children on this day. They say it does get easier and I believe in time it slowly does. Lost my Dad 2 days after Christmas,still dealing with it every day. I accept it now and understand more but it hurts too. Maybe something positive y'all could do as a family write him notes and send balloons the sky. I did with my daughter on my Dads Birthday I always want her to remember him. It's been a Lil over two years for my loss. I really will keep y'all in my prayers.

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    1. Thank you so much - I really do appreciate it. I know that it'll get easier, but some days it just really sucks.

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  2. You will always mourn the loss. If you didn't, I would worry. But it will be easier with time...and look how far you have come.
    Bruce

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    1. I have come a long way, and when I start to doubt that I go back and read some of the earlier postings on here - it's really kind of crazy. :)

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  3. I THINK YOUR EX WOULD BE HAPPY THAT THE DUDE IS GUIDING DANIEL AND BEING A STAND IN FATHER [STEP DAD] FOR HIM. HE WAS A SICK MAN THAT COULDN'T CONTROL HIS ILLNESS THEREFORE,THE FAMILY HAD TO PAY THE PRICE.I ADMIRE YOU THAT YOU REALIZE IT BUT STILL DID THE RIGHT THING BACK THEN.DANIEL WILL ALWAY KNOW HIS DAD WAS A GOOD PERSON WITH AN UNCONTROLABLE SICKNESS THAT SOMETIMES HURTS.ALSO YOU TRIED.
    AGAIN, YOUR ONE LUCKY LADY THAT GOD SENT YOU THE DUDE.
    HUGS, GRANNY

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    Replies
    1. I think you're right - on all counts. I honestly do.

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