Things have not been going smoothly here in the Non-Stop household lately. I'm not sure what happened, or when it happened, but something happened.
Maybe it's cabin fever. The kids can't get outside and play as much as I would like them to.... partially because of the weather, or schedules, or sickness, or I have too much to do and can't go outside with them to make sure that they're safe.
Maybe it's the stress of living in a too-small house for far too long.
Maybe it's the pressures of school and sports and church and social activities.
Maybe it's the constant perceived lack of money as we curb our spending in order to get moved to a bigger house.
Maybe it's all of the above. Maybe it's not.
Whatever it is - it is taking a toll on all of us. There has been so much bickering, so much fighting, so much meanness and spitefulness and anger and disappointment and sorrow and even hate.
And I hate it. It makes me question everything. All of my past experiences come bubbling up to the surface and I start to question my every move.
Am I doing the right thing by taking away this privilege?
Should I really have just said that to that child?
What was I thinking when I allowed that to happen?
Is there maybe a better way to handle this situation?
Am I being fair?
Do they have even an inkling of how hard I am trying to be a good mother?
So many questions going through my mind right now as we desperately try to work through these growing pains that we are experiencing. And I haven't figured out a single answer yet. I sit here and I think and I try to come up with the magical solution, yet I know that there isn't one. What might have worked today might not work tomorrow. Parenthood is an ever-changing game, and one that doesn't have rigid rules that never change.
There have been times recently when I've been on the verge of giving up and throwing in the towel. Sometimes the stress and the uncertainty is unreal and overwhelming and totally unmanageable. But I know that no matter what, I am trying my hardest. I might not make the best decisions as a parent. I might make the wrong decisions sometimes. I might really really screw up sometimes. But I also know without a doubt that I love those kids more than anything else in the world - and no matter what, we are going to get through this whatever-it-is.
I might not be sane by the time that they grow up and are out of the house, but I'll get through it.
And so will they.
|Just another sunrise ..... they can still take my breath away.|