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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

It was the BEST...ever....

I had the most incredible experience today. I mean, seriously, it was amazing.


Absolutely amazing.

Out of this world, even.

What could I have possibly done, you ask? Well, let me tell you. But you had better brace yourselves, because it's pretty earth-shattering. And as a single parent, it was something that I just don't get the chance to experience very often. I was able to do it a few times when I was married, but just not often enough for my liking.

I had a storgasm.

What, you've never heard of a storgasm before?

Let me explain - a storgasm is the incredibly free feeling that a parent - especially a single parent - gets when he/she is able to go to the grocery store, ALONE. The parent is completely and totally free to wander up and down the aisles as long as desired. The shopping cart does not look like a racecar (or steer like a tank) and is not full of screaming children and noisy toys, leaving no room for groceries. There are no whining children complaining about the parental choice of cereals purchased. Store employees do not give the parent the evil eye as children come dangerously close to toppling a pyramid-shaped display of pickles. Other customers do not glare at the parent with that Why Don't You Control Your Children Better Than That look. The parent is free to read labels, check purchased items off of the list (because with no children present, the parent was able to remember to bring the list to the store), use coupons, and even use a calculator to compare the relative price-per-ounce of every brand of spaghetti sauce. The parent is able to use the self-checkout and bag the groceries properly, without having to pause to catch children as they jump head-first out of the cart and hurtle toward the concrete floor. Impulse purchases are minimized, as there is only one person to be responsible for at that moment.

It should be noted that an added bonus of this experience is the ability to walk past a non-storgasmic parent and smile knowingly - however, it is advised that laughing at the other parent be avoided at all costs as part of Storgasm Etiquette.

The storgasm continues when the groceries are brought home. They can be unloaded, sorted, and put away promptly. The refrigerator can be organized, along with the cupboards. Old, spoiled food can be thrown away as it is discovered. The reusable grocery bags can be put back where they belong.

The storgasm ends with the parent sitting down in a chair, balancing the checkbook after the day's purchases, and having a cold drink to relax after the experience (cigarette is optional and based on personal preference).

I have looked forward to this day for months - ever since the moment that I realized that all 5 kids would be in school at the same time and that I would truly have kid-free time for the first time in YEARS. I just had no idea how incredible it would be.

And now that I've done it once, I can't wait to do it again.


  1. I can almost see you in a slow motion video jumping up and down with receipt on one hand and grocery bags on the other (or maybe a cup of DP). And take note, storgasm took place with only occasional talking to other people and mostly talking to your self while reading the labels or as you are punching numbers on the calculator. Congratulations!

  2. Oh Amy!!! BIG congratulations on this life-changing experience!! Welcome to the "grownup" world! I am so very excited for you...Such adventures...am wondering what could be next for you in your new found (adult) freedom!
    I knew I hear a sigh from hundreds of miles away, but just wasn't sure who it was...now I know!

  3. Twinkies - ;) I think you have me pegged! I busted out laughing when I read that!

    Mare - I bet you could hear me from there! LOL

  4. Oh. Wow. I remember that. I'd walk verry slowly. I'd look up. and. down. each shelf and aisle. I'd read ingredients. Sometimes I'd visit the salad bar and sit at a dinette table, eating lunch, poaching a People magazine, and not cleaning up after anyone but myself.

  5. Oh that would be so nice, Sharyn! Unfortunately, while our grocery store does have a salad bar, there's no place to sit. I'd have to go outside and sit in the 107 degrees to eat it, and it would wilt before I got done with it! LOL But yeah, I wandered up and down that store like nobody's business, and I might have accidentally snickered a few times when I heard another kid fussing. ;)

  6. Amy-GREAT post!!! It brought back such memories. You do have a wonderful gift of putting 'pen to paper'! thank you for starting my day with a smile! ;-)
    Hugs, Beth

  7. Welcome to your new life, Amy...until Christmas break! :)

  8. *giggles*

    I love going grocery shopping by my self... ANY SHOPPING! EVEN WINDOW SHOPPING ALONE IS WONDERFUL!

    I haven't had a storgasm in MONTHS!!!!

    **furrows brow**

    I loved this post.
    It was hysterical, and the perfect way to start my morning!

  9. Thanks everyone! This was definitely a fun one to write - and yet another post inspired by one of my facebook statuses. LOL

  10. EXCELLENT post! You're so funny. :-) Now that I'm remarried and no longer a single parent, I'm enjoying storgasms much more often than I used to!

  11. Thanks Lori and Christi! Glad you enjoyed it! :)

  12. Summertime really messes with my ability to achieve Storgasm. School starts here in a couple of weeks, and I can't wait!


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