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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Happy Birthday, Jeff

I have debated for days as to whether or not I wanted to even acknowledge this day, for many reasons.

I'm not doing this to create drama. I'm not doing it to hurt anyone. I'm doing it because I feel that I need to - for me - as another step in my own healing. And I need to remember that although our marriage was far from perfect and we had many, many issues, we still had some good times. We were still a family.

These pictures are from Jeff's 44th birthday. August 24, 2008. He wanted a Boston Cream Pie, so I made one for him. We had our own little family party that day.

Today would have been his 47th birthday.

But he's gone.

There are so many things that I want to say, but I just don't know how to put them into words.

I'm still mad at him. I'm mad that he continued to choose alcohol over his family - not just our family, but his family back in Massachusetts. I'm mad that he wasn't strong enough to make better choices. I'm mad that the only choice that I had was to ask him to leave our home for good. I'm mad that he didn't win the battle against alcohol.

But I'm also sad. I miss the man that I saw when he was sober. I miss the good times that we did have. I'm sad that Daniel will grow up without his father, and that my other kids lost a stepfather who they loved with all their hearts.

RIP Jeff
August 24, 1964 - February 2, 2011


  1. **HUGS**

    You're a strong woman.
    Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us today.

    It'll never stop hurting.. you'll just learn to cope better as time progresses.


  2. Some things in life are and never will be easy...they just are.
    I'm sorry for your loss...all the loss, the man you loved, your children's belvoed father, and the life you had hoped to have.
    Moving on and ahead is not easy, but you are doing it...one day at a time, one step at a time.
    Wishing you peace and good memories.

  3. I think you definitely made the right choice in posting this. Pretending that Jeff was never a part of your life, both good and bad, I'm sure would make things worse for you. Just because a person has/had an addiction doesn't mean they aren't still the person you love...it just means that they have been lost to that addiction. You're right to still try and remember the good times, especially for the sake of your kids.

    I'm pretty sure I've never commented on your blog, but I get your posts sent through email and read them daily. It is obvious you are an incredibly strong strong woman and a wonderful mother. Kudos to you for having the courage to post this!


  4. Thank you, ladies! It does still hurt, but it's getting better.

    Baby steps. Sometimes that's all we can do!



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