Making Amends

I got a phone call yesterday. Actually, I got a voicemail because as soon as I saw the area code of the caller, I got chills and couldn't move to answer it even if I wanted to.

I waited for the voicemail notification, staring at the phone the entire time. I was sitting downstairs in the Mom Cave at the sewing machine, and the phone was sitting beside the machine as I worked. When the notification chimed, I picked up the phone, called the voicemail, and somehow entered my code with my hands shaking.

"Good morning, Amy! This is S, Jeff's father. I'm calling because I need to talk with you. I know it's been a long time and there's been some issues and so forth but anyway, I'm trying to reach out. I need to make some amends and I'd really like to hear from you. I'd appreciate it very much. I've been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and enough is enough. We need to make some peace here so anyway I hope things are well. My wife keeps track of you on the internet and she just says that you're just such a lovely mother and I believe that. Anyway when it's convenient, and if you don't, I understand too. I just would like to talk with you. Anyway, I hope it warms up there in Kansas. Give me a call. Please. Bye."

My first reaction was extreme anger. Then sadness. Pain. Anger. Devastation. Confusion. Intense sadness. Disbelief. Anger.

I screamed and yelled and cried and stomped around the house and sobbed and collapsed in the middle of the living room floor.

How dare he do this? Why now? What gives this man the right to call me and "make amends"???

I called The Dude and told him what happened. I forwarded the voicemail to him so that he could hear it. He asked me the Million Dollar Question: What are you going to do?

I've gone round and round and round in my head about it. I've listened to the message dozens of times. And here is my response:

Dear S:

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Cancer is a truly horrible disease, and I don't wish it on anyone.

I have not stopped thinking about how to handle this since the second that I saw your number come up on my phone. I thought about ignoring it and just not responding, but realistically - that gives you closure. You get to say "well, I tried" and pat yourself on the back. I thought about calling you back and telling you exactly how I feel, but I know that wouldn't end well. You would try to manipulate me and tell me again how everything was all my fault like you've done in the past, and I wouldn't be able to say what I wanted to say. Maybe a public blog post isn't the best way to handle it, but I don't have your address so I can't send you a letter - and this way it's "out there" so that everyone can see exactly what I said.... because I have nothing to hide.

Just to refresh your memory, it's been more than 5 1/2 years since you've bothered to contact me. To be precise, I told Jeff to leave for the final time 5 years, 6 months, and 2 days ago - and you never bothered to contact me since before then. You never called to make sure that Daniel was ok or to see if he needed anything. You wrote him off, just like the rest of your family did.

Even after I made it clear that you could have a relationship with Daniel, you chose not to. You continued to ignore him. Worse, you and/or your family made it your mission to make our lives more difficult. The decisions made by you and your family destroyed everything that I had and everything that I was for a while.

But now..... after all of this time..... you want to make amends.

Why? Because you're dying.

Think about that. You're not doing it because it's the right thing to do or because you miss your grandson, but because you're dying. You didn't even mention him in your voicemail - it was all about you and your need to make amends. It's not about anyone else but you. You think that if you do this now, you'll get your Get Into Heaven Free card.

You could have done this any time in the last 5 1/2 years, but no. You chose to wait until the last minute, giving me a guilt-laden ultimatum to make you feel better about yourself.

I have news for you.

No.

You lost your chance.

I have done nothing in the last 5 1/2 years but put my kids first. I have fought tooth and nail to give them the life that they deserve. We have struggled to rebuild what we lost after we lost Jeff, and we did it without your help. We have moved on, we have grown up, and we have learned what is truly important in life. I am not the same person that I was back then. I don't allow myself to be trampled anymore. I don't hide my feelings, and I'm not afraid to tell you exactly what I think of you.

You have done nothing for Daniel. Nothing. You have not been there for him. You have not shown him love or respect or anything but indifference. You have only shown him that he is not worth anything to you or anyone else in your family.

The good news is that he has a huge family who does love him. He has a dad now - one who he has chosen and one who loves him as a dad should. He has siblings and grandparents and cousins and crazy aunts and uncles who love him as he deserves to be loved - and they won't turn their backs on him.

You chose not to have that. You chose to wait until the last minute, hoping that I would feel bad enough for you to give into you and give you what you expect - but it's not going to happen. Maybe I'll regret this decision some time in the future - but then I'll remind myself that it wasn't me who turned my back 5 1/2 years ago.

It wasn't Daniel's fault. It wasn't my fault.

It was you. It was your family. It was your choices.

So there you go. You reached out. You tried. Good for you.

And I told you what I think. Good for me.

I guess we both got something out of this.

Peace,
Amy

So, uh, yeah....about last night....

Wow. That's the first word that comes to mind at this point.

When I sat down to write my post about judgmental people and food stamps last night, I had NO IDEA what was going to happen. None. I figured it would get a decent amount of hits, probably a few more comments than usual, and that would be it.

Almost from the moment I hit "publish" - it went crazy. For real.

Just to give you guys an idea of what I'm talking about....on any given day, my blog usually gets about 150 views. Some days, if I don't post anything, it's as low as 30-40 views. On a good day, it's around 200. Until today, my most popular post ever had a total of 1191 views - and it's been posted since July.

This morning, about 14 hours after I posted that post, it moved into the top position, and surpassed an entry that's been up for 4 months. As of right now, it has over 6200 views and is still climbing. There are well over 50 comments from people (that I still have to go back and respond to - give me time!) and the comments are still coming as well.

Those numbers aren't huge to "big bloggers" but to me - and my little tiny baby blog - it's totally overwhelming. My phone - which controls my internet access - has been lit up all. day. long.

I want everyone to know that I have read every single comment - on the blog, on my facebook page, in my inbox, on my personal profile, on twitter - I've read them all. I just simply haven't had time to respond to everyone yet.

But I would like to clear up a few things really quick while I'm thinking about it...and I'm going to include some links that tell more of the "backstory" for the new people here....

I am NOT currently receiving food stamps. Financially, yes, I am eligible to do so. Honestly, I would love to get them at this point - however, because of some *ahem* hiccups in the system and the refusal of certain individuals to send me paperwork that I requested from them several times, my kids and I can not receive that type of assistance any longer.

I do not currently work. My second ex-husband passed away shortly after our divorce. Because of this, my youngest son and I receive Social Security. We get enough to live on and to put some aside every month. We don't live in the lap of luxury, and some months are really really tight - but we make it work. I think after everything that my kids and I have been through in the past few years, they deserve to have me 100% of the time. I will get a job when the time is right. Until then, I do a lot of crafty type stuff to make a little bit of extra money here and there.

For the most part, my life is an open book on this blog. There are a few taboo subjects -

• We do not talk about exactly where we live. We're in Kansas, and that's all that you need to know. If you recognize our location from the pictures, please don't say anything publicly about it. Had I known when I started that there were going to be so many people reading this, I never would have used pictures of my kids. So don't reveal our location.
• For the love of chocolate, do not use our last names! Do not use anyone's last names! That one should be a no-brainer.
• Don't use the name of the kids' schools if you happen to know them. Again, duh.
• I don't do politics. I leave that up to The Dude. If you don't know who he is, you'll figure it out sooner or later.
• Pretty much everything else that you might want to know is found in the "About Me" tab at the top of this page. Or just ask me. I don't bite.....hard.

Now that we got all of that out of the way...........

The rest of the day was spent doing the usual. Tons of laundry, lots of cleaning, bathroom scrubbing (*gag*), and general running around trying to get ready for the impending holiday. Yep, it was a total purple bandana kind of a day. I finally got my grocery list ready so that I can go to the store tomorrow morning (hopefully before it gets swamped) and get the last few things that we need for dinner on Thursday and then I get to clean some more, start some of the cooking and baking, and wait for the older 3 kids to come home so that we can *gasp* celebrate Sarah's 13th birthday.

Yikes. It's after midnight. I'm officially the mother of a teenager.

OK, I'm going to go cry now.

Rough day

I've been dreading this day for weeks. Seriously. I knew that it was going to be rough, but I wasn't sure how rough - and now it's starting.

One year ago today, February 2, 2011 - is the day that my ex-husband (Daniel's father) passed away. It was the day that my entire world turned upside down and inside out. We had been separated for 20 months when our divorce became final, and divorced for 20 days when he died.

Long story short, if you're not familiar with it - he was an alcoholic. There was a lot of denial about that fact, but it is what it is. It contributed to his death at the age of 46.

For the relatively short time that we were married, I tried to help him fight the alcoholism. I tried to make him "see the light". I tried to get him to stop drinking. When he first moved in with us and we would have a "few drinks" before bedtime, I would even go so far as to drink way more than I needed or wanted to, with the assumption that if *I* was drinking the booze, he wasn't - and that would somehow help him. If I found a bottle hidden somewhere, I would dump it down the drain. I kicked him out of the house numerous times, threatened him with divorce, called the police when I feared for our safety, forced him to go to rehab - none of it worked.

Sometimes it worked for short periods of time, but he always fell back into the same patterns - until I had finally had enough. I didn't feel that the kids and I were safe anymore. So I made him leave one final time. That was by far one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life, but I knew that there was nothing that I could do to help him. He had to help himself.

He moved back east with his family, and we stayed here. We tried to talk things out on the phone, but it never worked. He was usually intoxicated and I would lose my temper and hang up on him. All I wanted him to do was to get sober. I loved him. When he was sober, he was a wonderful person; but all it took was one drink and the ugly part of him would come out. He was a man possessed by a demon, and there was no controlling that demonic presence. I tried.

In the meantime, because I was not working, the bills were not getting paid. His child support was not getting paid. He wasn't working because he didn't have his drivers license as the result of a DUI arrest when he was still here. He was getting unemployment, but he refused to pay the child support after the first few months.

The last conversation that I ever had with him will haunt me for the rest of my life. It was in September or October of 2010. We had been separated for nearly a year and a half by then. I still remember it so clearly - we were in the old house, and the kids were in bed so I had gone out on the porch while we were talking - or trying to talk. The subject of the child support came up, and he informed me that he had no intentions of paying it. He refused to pay what was court-ordered to support Daniel. I had had enough. I suggested to him that he relinquish his parental rights to Daniel. By doing so, he wouldn't be responsible for any more child support payments and he could go on with his life and try to repair the relationship that he had with his older son, and allow Daniel to grow up not having to wonder if his father cared about him. I told him flat out that at this point, Daniel didn't remember him, didn't ask about him, and he would be better off with no father at all instead of having a drunk one who might waltz in and out of his life once or twice a year and pretend to be a father. I wasn't saying these things to be mean - to me it was, and still is, the truth. I wanted Jeff to be free from the responsibility, the obligation, and to focus on healing himself without the additional pressure of financially supporting a child who didn't choose to have a drunk as a father.

His last words to me during that conversation were "over my dead body". Those were the last words that I ever heard him say. A few months later, he was dead.

That conversation haunts me to this day. I know in my head that I didn't cause his death. But I can't help but wonder if I could have done things differently. Maybe if I had given him one more chance, he would have gotten sober. Maybe if I hadn't kicked him out, things would have turned out differently. What if....?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and wonder what I could have done differently. In my head, I know that I did the right thing, but that conversation replays in my head time and time again, and I struggle with it daily. There are times that the guilt is unbearable, but I know that no matter what anyone says or thinks - I did the right thing. I had to protect myself and protect my kids. I had our best interests in mind when I made him leave. I couldn't take the risk of someone getting hurt again - including him.

So now, a year later...I look back at what happened and I continue to wonder what I could have done differently. I deal with the guilt as best I can. While I wish that things had turned out differently, I know in my heart that he is at peace. The demons are gone. Each day does get a bit easier but there will always be a part of me that blames myself. I know that I did the right thing - I just wish that there had been a different outcome.

To his family: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that things turned out the way that they did. This is not what I wanted. I never wanted to take him away from you. I never wanted you to go through this kind of pain and heartache. I never wanted to take him away from his older son, and that in particular is something for which I will never forgive myself.

But at the same time, I also want his family to understand that I will not feel guilty for moving on with my life. I am doing my best to raise my kids in a way that will make everyone proud. Daniel is an amazing little boy who is smart and funny and athletic, and he is happy. You were given the opportunity to be a part of Daniel's life, and you chose not to take advantage of it. You have refused to provide information that I needed that would qualify him for benefits that would help him. And those are things that to me, are unforgivable.

A year later, and I am stronger than I ever thought that I would be. I am happy. I have found a wonderful man who treats me and the kids the way that we deserve to be treated - and I will not apologize for that. My little family has gone through a lot of stress, heartache, and pain to get to where we are today, and I am proud of where we are. We have plans for the future, and we are doing what we need to do to make those plans a reality.

I will never forget Jeff. But I have forgiven myself for what happened.

Rest in Peace, Jeff.

Which way do I go?

I could go so many different directions right now. I really could.

I could totally go off about how a certain someone claimed to me that he made all of the necessary arrangements to ensure that his child support payments were being made since he switched jobs - but with one phone call today, I disproved that claim.

I could vent about how I totally rearranged my entire evening (and the contents of the van) so that I could go meet someone to pick up a bookshelf that I was going to buy, but when I got to their house, they weren't home and after I moved the 8000 pound bookshelf across the yard by myself I found out that it wouldn't fit in the van anyway so I had to drag it back across the yard by myself.

I could complain about grocery shopping today, but it really wasn't that bad. After all, I got enough stuff to last us darned close to a month (plus a lot of non-food crap that we needed) for under $300. Not too bad. I should only have to go back to get things like eggs and milk and stuff like that - or at least that's the plan. I did the same thing last month and it actually ended up working out really well.

I'm also glad that I got all of the bills paid today, so that's one job that's out of the way. The girls are signed up for basketball again (yay) so it's just a matter of time until that starts.

There are some really great things going on in my life right now. I mean, really great. I've been able to reconnect with some people from my past. My kids are doing great in school. Things in general are just going well. And for that, I am so very thankful.

And that's why I refuse to allow simple-minded people to bother me. Sure, crap happens that irritates me - that's all a part of life. I might even get downright pissed off at them - but I get over it. And most of the time, I sit back and laugh. I've just gotten to a point in my life where I'm just not going to let them get me down. They can try - they can post snarky comments on here to try to humiliate me. They can try to make me look bad - don't care. They can do anything that they want to do, but they can't get to me.

It has taken me a long time to get to this stage in my life. I used to stress about what people thought about me, but I don't do that anymore. I was always living my life for someone else, and not for the most important person - me. Not anymore. My kids and I come first - no one else. This is my life, and I will live it my way. No one has to agree with my choices - because they are MINE.



Don't like what I have to say? Then don't read it. It's as simple as that.

Our Day in Court

Finally...today was the day of my Super Duper Uber Secret Appointment.

The appointment itself went smoothly, after the judge arrived 30 minutes late.

Enjoying the view from the peanut gallery.

Talk about a legal team!

The star of the day!

Oh, so I guess you want to know why we were there?

I know that some people aren't going to agree with what I did today.
I know that some people are going to be downright angry with me.
I know that most people totally support my decision - including my children.

Daniel's last name has now been legally changed to my maiden name.

There. I said it.

Want to know why?

1. My older 3 kids all share the same last name - that of their father, my first husband, who is an active participant in their lives.

2. Alex's last name is my maiden name. His father and I weren't married when he was born and at that time, I was still using my first married name. I made the decision at that time to give him my maiden name.

3. I took my maiden name back after my second divorce.

4. Daniel was the only person in this family to have his last name. He didn't "match" anyone else.

5. Daniel's father's family has not been involved in his life at all for 2 years, 3 months, and 27 days, as of today. At all. I opened the door, and they chose not to come in.

6. Daniel's father's family has chosen not to cooperate with me in any way, shape or form to ensure that he would qualify for various programs. They put their selfish, spiteful, petty ways ahead of his well-being.

7. My family has been there for Daniel since the day he was born, and will be forever.

Didn't make much sense to me to have him carry the name of a family who has proven over and over again that they don't care about him - so why not give him the name of his family who loves him?

So, it's done and over with. I just have to wait to get the official paperwork back from the state, which should only take a week or two - then I get to run around and change it with everyone who needs to have it changed.

With all of that being said.....I feel the need to remind everyone that because of the comments that were left on this post I will continue to moderate comments. I will post all comments unless they contain personally identifying information about anyone (you know, don't spill the last names and stuff like that). Please keep the language at least semi-clean. Bash me all you want - I'm a big girl and I can handle it. Don't bash each other. It's ok to disagree - just show a little respect.

Now, have at it.

Another open letter.

Dear family of my late ex-husband:

I don't even know where to start this one. I really don't.

You have truly stooped to a new low - one that I didn't even think was possible to reach.

On February 5, Mary called me to inform me that a trust fund was being set up for Daniel and E. I gave Mary all of the information that she requested - Daniel's date of birth, his social security number, and anything else that she asked. She assured me that day that as soon as everything was completed, a copy of the paperwork would be mailed to me.

Big surprise - haven't gotten it yet.

Why do I need it? I need it to prove that I do not have access to any money that may or may not be in the trust. Why do I have to do that? It is required for income verification purposes for several programs - including preschool - for which Daniel is eligible. I was told that the trust exists, so I disclosed that on the applications. However, since I can't prove that I don't have access to it, all of the opportunities for Daniel are being pulled out from under his feet.

I called the bank - they refused to even speak to me, even though my minor child's name is on the account. So I had my attorney call, and they refused to speak to him as well.

So, because of your petty, selfish, vindictive, and controlling ways, Daniel most likely will not be attending preschool in the fall. It's a shame too, since he would benefit from it both academically and socially. And he'll lose his medical, dental, and vision insurance (along with the rest of my kids, who you have always *claimed* to love so very much). There were some other programs that I was looking into for him - but guess what? With my inability to prove that I can't access the alleged trust, he can't get into those either.

As for the birthday card that he received yesterday....I have several issues with that too.

First off, I divorced Jeff. I took my maiden name back - which was indicated by the return address on the previous letter that I sent to you. Show me a little bit of respect in that area, please. Your name is no longer mine.

Second - Don't tell me that you "hope all is well with you and the kids" because if you truly did, this situation would have resolved itself over 2 years ago.

Third - Don't bother to pray for us. We've got that taken care of by people who are involved in our lives.

Fourth - Don't bother sending a check (made out to me with my former married name on it) so that I could get Daniel "something special" from you. I give him something special every day - love from his family and friends. I don't need your money to do that. I don't need your money at all. I don't want your money.

In fact, I want nothing from you. Nothing at all.

No, let me correct myself there. I want the copy of the trust fund paperwork so that I can get Daniel into these programs. If the trust doesn't exist, then I want documentation from you stating that it doesn't exist.

If it does exist and his name is on it, I want you to remove it. Period. You have proven that you don't care about him. In fact, that's one area where you have gone above and beyond. Remove his name from the trust, make E the sole beneficiary of it, and stay out of our lives.

I'm done. You have had 2 years, 1 month, and 5 days to show that you cared about Daniel. A couple of cards here and there doesn't prove anything.

Please send me the documentation that I need. That is all that I want from you. Ever.

Thank you.



P.S. Glad that you find my blog so interesting - yes, I see you reading it. 40+ posts in one night? Really? Maybe you should have shown that much interest over the past 2 years. Be expecting the card and the check to be returned to you in the mail, along with a copy of this post, in the next few days.

A Quick Explanation

For those who missed it, there was quite a bit of discussion about yesterday's post. For the most part, it was supportive, but then it turned ugly.

I was fine when the insults were only directed towards me. But when other posters started slinging mud at each other, it was pushing the limits. And when someone who apparently knew my ex-husband personally felt the need to post his last name AND his hometown, I knew that it had gone too far.

I posted this letter as a way to help others who might be going through a similar situation, and I posted it to help myself. I did also mail it to my ex-husband's family, so it's not like this is a sneak attack.

Everything in that letter was true. I did not fabricate anything. They may have a different perception of what happened based on what he told them, but they do not know my side of it. That's why I wrote it.

Because I do have a life that doesn't involve the computer, I am not going to be home for the next several hours. I pulled the comments down temporarily to avoid any other flaming of myself or other posters, and to avoid any other personal information being posted about his family. After I get home from my kids' activities, I will deal with this. Until then, I'm going to go be a mom.

If anyone would care to address me personally and privately, you may do so at amola11371(at)gmail(dot)com.

An Open Letter to my ExLaws

Dear Family:

Let me start out by saying that I am sorry for the way that things have turned out between us. This is not how I wanted our relationship to be. When I married Jeff, I had visions of the perfect life, the perfect marriage, and the fairy tale ending in my dreams. Sadly, it didn’t turn out that way – at all.

However, there are some things that I need to say to you before any attempt at a "relationship" is made between you and Daniel. Honestly, at this point I am not even sure that I want him to have a relationship with any of you – this is something that I have struggled with for a long time, not just since Jeff's death.

My life, and Daniel's life changed forever on May 6, 2009 when I asked Jeff to leave our home for the last time. So many things happened leading up to that night, and I am quite sure that you know little or nothing about any of them. I'm fairly comfortable saying that I doubt that you know about the majority of the times that I had to call the police to our home because Jeff was in a drunken rage. I doubt that you know about the time that he choked me when I was 6 months pregnant with Daniel, or the time that he knocked me flat on the floor and almost broke my glasses, or the time that he kicked me because I finally figured out that he was hiding the bottles of booze in his boots. I'm assuming that he didn't tell you that the reason that I finally asked him to leave that night was because he was so intoxicated that he had pulled a knife out and was waving it around in front of the kids like a raving lunatic.

I doubt that you know about any of this. Why? Because since May 6, 2009, you haven't asked. You haven't picked up the phone to call and check on the well-being of your grandson. You haven't sent a letter explaining your feelings toward me. You have made no attempt at contact at all. To be brutally honest with you, that pisses me off. As far as I'm concerned, you wrote Daniel out of your lives more than two years ago. You weren’t there for Daniel when we lost our home and were within days of being on the street because Jeff refused to authorize the mortgage company to talk to me. You weren't there for Daniel when we lost the van because Jeff refused to work with me to renew the tags on it.

Jeff always used the excuse that because I had filed the PFA against him (after he threatened to kill me, by the way), no one in his family could contact me. Well, guess what? He left here on May 6, 2009. The PFA wasn't served to him until around mid-December 2009. Where were the phone calls during that 7 months? Where were the letters then? There was no legal reason at that time preventing you from contacting your grandson. YOU CHOSE NOT TO.

Even while the PFA was in effect, there was nothing preventing you from contacting Daniel. NOTHING. One call to me would have confirmed that. One call to the local police department here would have confirmed that. Did you do it? Nope. You chose not to have contact with Daniel. For the record, Jeff's visitation with Daniel was not limited during that time either. The judge informed him during the hearing for the PFA that he could have contact with Daniel ANY TIME HE WANTED TO, but he also chose to ignore him, his own son.

After the PFA expired, it took less than 12 hours for Jeff to call and start harassing me again. Did you call to check on Daniel? Nope. Again, you made the choice to ignore him.

Did you bother to call me and let me know that Jeff was sick? Or that he had been admitted to the hospital? No. Had I known, I might have allowed Daniel to talk to him on the phone one last time. But you robbed both Jeff and Daniel of that chance.

When Mary called to tell me that the family wanted to have a "relationship" with Daniel, I was angry. How could anyone who ignored a beautiful, smart, funny, amazing little boy for 2 years be deserving of having a relationship with him? You don't deserve anything from him. Nothing. He didn't deserve to be written off by his own flesh and blood – he didn't make that choice - you made it for him.

One thing that I don't deserve is the blame for Jeff's death. It is not my fault. I didn't force him to drink bottles upon bottles of booze every week. Yes, alcoholism is a disease and it clouded his thinking, but guess what? There's treatment for the disease – he made the choice to refuse that treatment. Mary informed me that he was in such a "deep, dark depression" because I wouldn't allow him to have contact with Daniel, and that it was that depression ultimately caused his death. What kind of a mother would I be if I allowed my toddler son to have a conversation with someone who was so drunk that his words were slurring? Yes, most of our phone conversations ended by me hanging up on him – but that's because I don't deserve to be spoken to like he did, and I don't have to be subjected to a drunk, either in person or on the phone.

I don't really care what you opinion is of me. You don't have to like me. But you have an amazing grandson here that you have ignored for more than two years. And nothing that you can do can make up for that, and nothing you can say will make me forgive you for it. You can come up with every excuse in the book, and I don't care – the point is that you never made the effort. Distance shouldn't be an issue – in this day and age, family can maintain a relationship from opposite sides of the world, if they choose to do so.

Like I always told Jeff – "it's all about choices". He chose to drink, he chose to refuse treatment, and those choices ultimately led to his death. You made the choice to ignore Daniel. I made the choice to remove myself and my kids from a potentially dangerous situation.

Don't get me wrong – I am absolutely devastated by Jeff's death. I never knew that it was possible to hurt this much, even after more than 3 months. I still loved him, and in a way I still do. I always hoped that he would get the treatment that he needed and that he would once again be the man that I fell in love with, and that we could make another attempt at having a real family again. I never wanted things to turn out the way that they have, but I had to do what I did in order to protect my kids and myself.

Daniel is sitting here on my lap as I type this. He's drawing pictures in a notebook and talking a mile a minute, and every now and then he turns to me and wipes the tears from my face. He has no idea that half of his family has ignored him for the past 2 years, because I haven't told him. He's too little to understand. His life consists of the family and friends who have been here for him without fail, and he is so happy and healthy and well-adjusted and smart because of the positive influences in his life. I refuse to allow negativity into his world right now – he is too young, and he has plenty of time as he gets older to deal with that.

If you are going to be a part of his life, I ask that you respect my feelings. As I said before, I don't expect you to like me or to agree with the decisions that I made, but I ask that you respect them. I did, and continue to do, what I believe is the best for my family. I will not tolerate anyone belittling me (or Jeff) in front of any of my children. I will do anything that I feel that I need to do to protect myself and my kids from any threat or negative influence out there.

It's up to you. If you want to have a healthy, positive relationship with Daniel, I give you my blessing.

Sincerely,
Amy