Listen to the parents - even if they're not yours.

OK, let me preface this by saying that I'm really aggravated right now.

No, I'm really seriously pissed. And for anyone who has been reading this blog for a while, you know that I don't usually use language like that. (OK, not here. Real life is different.)

Alex's first day of school - last year

Alex's father called me today and wanted to know what Alex still needed for school supplies. Well, considering that school starts in 3 days, he already has pretty much everything. I knew that he was missing one or two things but I wasn't sure what, so I told him I'd check and call him back. As it turns out, he just needed some twist-up colored pencils. That's it. Nothing else in the "supplies" category. So I called his father back and told him that.

He proceeded to tell me that he was at the store with his grandmother and she wanted to get school supplies. Again, I told him that he only needed the pencils. He said "well, she wants to get him a backpack too". I told him NO - he has a backpack. He is using the same one from last year, just like the other 4 kids are doing. He used it to carry maybe 2 pieces of paper back and forth each day, and it's still in perfect condition. He doesn't need a new one. I told him that if she really felt the need to buy something, to buy some underwear and socks - because that's what he NEEDS. I also told him that he doesn't need any new clothes or anything like that, but the socks and underwear are really a necessity at this point.

So he stopped by a little bit later to drop the stuff off - including a new backpack. Yes, he bought the pencils, and I am thankful for that. And 2 pairs of pants, that are literally 3 sizes too big. And 2 pairs of shorts - again 3 sizes too big. And a bunch of shirts - guess what? too big. And one pack of underwear and one pack of socks.

So why am I pissed? I should be thankful that he's buying anything, since he can't stick to a reasonable schedule to save his life. He can go out shopping with his grandmother, but can't stop to pick up his kid and spend a few hours with him. I'm pissed because I told him specifically not to get a backpack - and he did. It's not needed, and it's not wanted. Truth be told, when Alex saw it, his first words were "Dad, I don't need that - I already have one". And seriously, while he may only have 1 child over here, I have 5. Getting one kid a new backpack when it's not needed makes it hella hard to justify to the other kids that they don't need a new backpack as well. I am also not the type of person that feels that a kid needs to have a new backpack every year - if the one that we already have is fine, use it again! And seriously, the one that he used last year is in PERFECT condition because actually, now that I think about it, he only used it for a couple of months because the zipper broke on the first one that he had - so realistically, he already has a new one.

I'm pissed because he can't buy him clothes that FIT. Yes, he's a big kid, so his clothes do need to be a little bigger - but not 3 sizes! He told me "oh you can just put them aside for him to grow into" - well what's the point of that? He'll grow into the jeans maybe by next summer - when it's too hot to wear them, and then will turn around and outgrow them before school next year.

One 5-pack of underwear - when I told him that this was the one thing that he needed, and he got one pack. I'm sorry, but this is the kid who still has some toileting issues. Five pairs will last maybe 3 days. UGH!!!!

Bottom line is this - if you want to buy something for a kid, ask the parent (or guardian or whoever) what the kid needs. And if the parent says that something is needed, be respectful and get that. And if the parent says that something is NOT needed - show that same respect and DON'T. GET. IT.

Unless you ask, you don't know the reasons behind why a kid needs or doesn't need something. A kid might need more underwear because he/she has a lot of toileting accidents - but because you're not around a whole lot, you don't know that. You might be told not to buy a kid a toy because maybe the kid has been having behavioral issues at home and the parent doesn't feel that the kids needs it right now. You might be asked not to buy something for one kid because then the other kid feels slighted.

Point of the matter is - you may not know the reasoning. But when a parent says "yes, please get _______" or "no, please don't get _______" you need to listen. The parent has reasons - and unless you see that the kids are being neglected or put in danger, please respect those reasons.

Now, I have two choices.

1. Find a place in this tiny-little zero-storage house to put the backpack, the shorts, and the jeans aside until they can be used (maybe in a couple of years).

2. Take all of the stuff, figure out when I have an hour or two of spare time, and return it to the store and exchange it for the stuff that he NEEDS.

UGH! Seriously - I am so mad right now! Maybe I'm overreacting. But come on - I am with this kid 24/7 - I know what he needs! If you ask me what he needs, and then turn around and don't listen, why did I waste my breath??? Why????

OK, rant over. Have at it. Tell me I'm the one who is being ridiculous - because seriously, I don't know if I'm overreacting to this or not. But this is how I'm feeling right now.

An Open Letter to my ExLaws

Dear Family:

Let me start out by saying that I am sorry for the way that things have turned out between us. This is not how I wanted our relationship to be. When I married Jeff, I had visions of the perfect life, the perfect marriage, and the fairy tale ending in my dreams. Sadly, it didn’t turn out that way – at all.

However, there are some things that I need to say to you before any attempt at a "relationship" is made between you and Daniel. Honestly, at this point I am not even sure that I want him to have a relationship with any of you – this is something that I have struggled with for a long time, not just since Jeff's death.

My life, and Daniel's life changed forever on May 6, 2009 when I asked Jeff to leave our home for the last time. So many things happened leading up to that night, and I am quite sure that you know little or nothing about any of them. I'm fairly comfortable saying that I doubt that you know about the majority of the times that I had to call the police to our home because Jeff was in a drunken rage. I doubt that you know about the time that he choked me when I was 6 months pregnant with Daniel, or the time that he knocked me flat on the floor and almost broke my glasses, or the time that he kicked me because I finally figured out that he was hiding the bottles of booze in his boots. I'm assuming that he didn't tell you that the reason that I finally asked him to leave that night was because he was so intoxicated that he had pulled a knife out and was waving it around in front of the kids like a raving lunatic.

I doubt that you know about any of this. Why? Because since May 6, 2009, you haven't asked. You haven't picked up the phone to call and check on the well-being of your grandson. You haven't sent a letter explaining your feelings toward me. You have made no attempt at contact at all. To be brutally honest with you, that pisses me off. As far as I'm concerned, you wrote Daniel out of your lives more than two years ago. You weren’t there for Daniel when we lost our home and were within days of being on the street because Jeff refused to authorize the mortgage company to talk to me. You weren't there for Daniel when we lost the van because Jeff refused to work with me to renew the tags on it.

Jeff always used the excuse that because I had filed the PFA against him (after he threatened to kill me, by the way), no one in his family could contact me. Well, guess what? He left here on May 6, 2009. The PFA wasn't served to him until around mid-December 2009. Where were the phone calls during that 7 months? Where were the letters then? There was no legal reason at that time preventing you from contacting your grandson. YOU CHOSE NOT TO.

Even while the PFA was in effect, there was nothing preventing you from contacting Daniel. NOTHING. One call to me would have confirmed that. One call to the local police department here would have confirmed that. Did you do it? Nope. You chose not to have contact with Daniel. For the record, Jeff's visitation with Daniel was not limited during that time either. The judge informed him during the hearing for the PFA that he could have contact with Daniel ANY TIME HE WANTED TO, but he also chose to ignore him, his own son.

After the PFA expired, it took less than 12 hours for Jeff to call and start harassing me again. Did you call to check on Daniel? Nope. Again, you made the choice to ignore him.

Did you bother to call me and let me know that Jeff was sick? Or that he had been admitted to the hospital? No. Had I known, I might have allowed Daniel to talk to him on the phone one last time. But you robbed both Jeff and Daniel of that chance.

When Mary called to tell me that the family wanted to have a "relationship" with Daniel, I was angry. How could anyone who ignored a beautiful, smart, funny, amazing little boy for 2 years be deserving of having a relationship with him? You don't deserve anything from him. Nothing. He didn't deserve to be written off by his own flesh and blood – he didn't make that choice - you made it for him.

One thing that I don't deserve is the blame for Jeff's death. It is not my fault. I didn't force him to drink bottles upon bottles of booze every week. Yes, alcoholism is a disease and it clouded his thinking, but guess what? There's treatment for the disease – he made the choice to refuse that treatment. Mary informed me that he was in such a "deep, dark depression" because I wouldn't allow him to have contact with Daniel, and that it was that depression ultimately caused his death. What kind of a mother would I be if I allowed my toddler son to have a conversation with someone who was so drunk that his words were slurring? Yes, most of our phone conversations ended by me hanging up on him – but that's because I don't deserve to be spoken to like he did, and I don't have to be subjected to a drunk, either in person or on the phone.

I don't really care what you opinion is of me. You don't have to like me. But you have an amazing grandson here that you have ignored for more than two years. And nothing that you can do can make up for that, and nothing you can say will make me forgive you for it. You can come up with every excuse in the book, and I don't care – the point is that you never made the effort. Distance shouldn't be an issue – in this day and age, family can maintain a relationship from opposite sides of the world, if they choose to do so.

Like I always told Jeff – "it's all about choices". He chose to drink, he chose to refuse treatment, and those choices ultimately led to his death. You made the choice to ignore Daniel. I made the choice to remove myself and my kids from a potentially dangerous situation.

Don't get me wrong – I am absolutely devastated by Jeff's death. I never knew that it was possible to hurt this much, even after more than 3 months. I still loved him, and in a way I still do. I always hoped that he would get the treatment that he needed and that he would once again be the man that I fell in love with, and that we could make another attempt at having a real family again. I never wanted things to turn out the way that they have, but I had to do what I did in order to protect my kids and myself.

Daniel is sitting here on my lap as I type this. He's drawing pictures in a notebook and talking a mile a minute, and every now and then he turns to me and wipes the tears from my face. He has no idea that half of his family has ignored him for the past 2 years, because I haven't told him. He's too little to understand. His life consists of the family and friends who have been here for him without fail, and he is so happy and healthy and well-adjusted and smart because of the positive influences in his life. I refuse to allow negativity into his world right now – he is too young, and he has plenty of time as he gets older to deal with that.

If you are going to be a part of his life, I ask that you respect my feelings. As I said before, I don't expect you to like me or to agree with the decisions that I made, but I ask that you respect them. I did, and continue to do, what I believe is the best for my family. I will not tolerate anyone belittling me (or Jeff) in front of any of my children. I will do anything that I feel that I need to do to protect myself and my kids from any threat or negative influence out there.

It's up to you. If you want to have a healthy, positive relationship with Daniel, I give you my blessing.

Sincerely,
Amy