A push

I got pushed today. Not really pushed, but more like shoved. And smacked around a bit.

It actually started about a week ago. I'm in a whole bunch of groups on facebook, but one of them is a small group of local ladies who all run. I met several of them when I did the half-marathon in October, and they are awesome. But since that race, I haven't done anything to get in shape, or to even maintain the bleh shape that I was in when I did that race. Nothing. I haven't even gone for a walk.

So....like I said, a week-ish ago, this post caught my eye.....

Two miles a day for 2 weeks, I thought. I might be able to do that. So I agreed.

Of course, when I agreed, the weather was decent. Today, on the first day of the challenge? Yeah. Not so much.

I thought about waiting until later in the day (notice the time on that shot is 7:35am), but I had so much going on that I knew that if I didn't do it as soon as I dropped the kids off at school, I wasn't going to do it. And if I missed the first day, then I wouldn't do the challenge at all - because that's the way that my mind works. And I also knew that I had an appointment at 9am so if I was going to do it, I had to do it right then and there. I threw on an extra layer of clothes, cursed the girls in that group as I felt them virtually shove me out the door, and took off.

It. was. cold.

OMG it was cold. There was just enough wind that it was absolutely miserable as I started walking into it, and I came *thisclose* to turning around and going straight back to the house. But, it was a challenge. And I knew that if I got going, once I got to a certain point on my predetermined route, I could turn and have the wind at my back.

And then my mind started to wander in typical brain dump fashion. I'm not going to bore you with the total stream of consciousness train of thought that went in a bajillion different directions at a speed that blew my mind, but it was intense.

Ultimately, I thought about how parents tend to always put their kids first. I mean, really, who wouldn't? We have these little humans that depend on us for everything (more or less) and so we have to make sure that they're taken care of because that's our job, right? And we run ourselves ragged taking care of them and doing the things that parents do because it's what we're supposed to do and it's what we're expected to do - and we put ourselves last, sometimes to our own detriment.

I am so guilty of this, as most people know. I don't do squat for myself except maybe sit on my butt on the couch with a glass of wine once in a while (speaking of which...... I'm thirsty). And while taking care of the kids is all well and good (and ultimately, necessary) I realized....

I have to start taking better care of myself.

It seriously hit me like a smack upside the head. It's something that I've always known in the back of my mind, but I've ignored it because it seems like anytime parents (and yes, especially a mom) put themselves first, they are ripped to shreds by society. They are called selfish, self-centered, irresponsible, or bad parents.

I have been called all sorts of horrible names in the past because I am grateful when the kids go back to school after a long weekend or summer break. It's not that I want to get rid of my kids, but it's because I know that I can use that time away from them to work on things that *I* need to do to make me a better parent. Sometimes, it's mundane tasks like folding laundry and scrubbing toilets because I know that if I get those done while the kids are gone, I can spend more quality time with them when they return. And sometimes it's things like going for a run or taking a nap, because I need some time to do something that is completely and totally for me and for me only.

But even those things that I do for me and for me only end up benefiting the kids because guess what? When I get to do them, I'm in a better mood.

Better mood = better mom.

And seriously, who can argue with that train of thought when a view like this is staring you in the face while it's happening?

I came back from that run this morning feeling like it was ok to want to get back into running again. Like it's ok to finally commit to doing something for myself. Like maybe, just maybe, I can actually succeed at this 2-week challenge, and then continue on from there.

It's amazing how much my perspective can change in one 33 minute chunk of time.

And maybe, just maybe, in 2 weeks I can shave more than a few minutes off of that pathetic time. Assuming that I don't freeze a few limbs off in the process.

Just stuff...

To be totally honest, the past couple of days here have been kind of rough. I kind of took today "off" from the computer and focused on what is important - sleep, spending time with The Dude, going to a track meeting, and then a dinner at church. Although the issues are still present, and are still growing, it was still a decent day. Hopefully we can fix what's wrong and get back to normal soon - or at least as normal as we ever were.

Sunrise this morning - beautiful to look at, but kind of annoying
while driving.

Sarah's very first track meet. Guess who placed first in the high jump?

She's flying!!!

Found a buddy in the grass.

Driving back home.

I still have lots of things on my mind, and lots of things that I want to get out here, but I also have lots of important things that I have to take care of around the house tonight. Maybe tomorrow....

I have to choose hope.

Today.....today was truly a horrible day.

By now, we all know what happened. We all know about the 20 children who lost their lives at the hands of a gunman in Connecticut.

We don't know the whole story yet, and we probably never will. We know bits and pieces of what happened, but those bits and pieces are disjointed and scrambled and out of order - much like my own thoughts and feelings right now.

I sit here tonight, still in disbelief. I didn't know about it until well after it happened because I was busy living life. I was busy living a normal every day life, while so many innocent children lost theirs...while my children were safe in their own schools, just as oblivious as to what was happening as I was.

How do I as a mother wrap my head around this?

The answer is simple.

I don't.

There is no way for me to comprehend the enormity of what happened today. None. I can not imagine the fear, the terror, the anguish that those families are having to deal with right now. Instead of planning holiday parties and trips to see Santa at the local mall, they are now planning funerals.

How does that happen? Why does that happen?

I could drive myself insane trying to come up with the answers. All I can do at this point is hope.

I can hope that the families who have been affected can somehow come to grips with this.

I can hope that this will never happen to another child, another school, another family.

I can hope that this will never happen to my family.

I can hope.

But because there are no guarantees in life, I can change the things that I can control. I can tell my kids that I love them even more often than I already do. I can hug them tighter, kiss them more, and appreciate having them around even when they are annoying each other and picking fights. I can love the messy rooms and the temper tantrums and the chaotic schedules and the dirty laundry - because it means that I still have my family. 

At the same time, I realize once again that it can all be taken away in an instant. It doesn't have to be a crazed gunman. It can be a fire, or an accident, or an illness, or any number of things. I never know what is going to happen, or when it might happen. 

All I can do is hope - and be thankful for every single day that I get with my family.

Good day

Today was a good day. It really was. It's been a while since I've had a truly good day, so this was a welcomed change.

I have taken so many pictures over the last 24 hours or so, so I'm going to let them tell most of the story. Because we all know that I like pictures.

Another moon shot from last night. Or maybe it's the same one that I
already posted. Either way, I still think it's really cool.

Sunrise this morning. The picture doesn't do it justice.

Stupid pole ruined my perfect shot of the sunrise and the cows.
I love cows. I hate poles.

I got the sunrise pictures on the way to
Emily's honor roll assembly. All A's again.
You can't see her full outfit, but today was
Dress Like A Nerd Day.

The sun was up higher when I left the school to come back home.
The sky was an amazing shade of blue.

Now don't lie - I know that the majority of you are reading this so that you can see what The Dude brought to me today. I won't keep you in suspense any longer, but I'll tell you the whole story now.

Today was his day off from work, so we had talked about hanging out today and maybe going out to lunch - alone, just the two of us, no kids. I was up way early this morning (hence the sunrise pictures) and spent all morning either running around or cleaning the house. I started to get a headache so I laid down on the couch and totally crashed.

I awoke to him coming in the front door. And he had this stuff in his hand. 

For no reason at all.

So we went out to lunch. We decided to try a new Italian place here in town (new to us, anyway) and we were not disappointed! The food was amazing, the service was great (might have had something to do with the fact that there was only one other table there), and we just had a great time stuffing ourselves silly.

I even tried fried calamari. And it wasn't nasty.

After that, we went to a used furniture store because he wanted to look for something - they didn't have exactly what he wanted, so we wandered around the store looking at other stuff (and they had some amazing vintage stuff that I really really like) and we stumbled upon a lamp. I've been talking about getting a lamp for my sewing area - since I do most of my sewing at night and the lighting in this house sucks, a floor lamp is a necessity. But we found this one, and it was really cheap, and so he bought it for me.

We went in looking for something for him, and I came out with a lamp. I think he got the short end of the stick on that one, but I love my lamp.

And I really kind of love him too. At least a little bit.

...and it's really bright.

It was such a beautiful day that I drove to pick the boys up with my
windows open. And I gained a friend in the process.

The boys and I walked over to the grocery store to get a few things.

Hard to snap a picture when he's using me
for balance.

Whose brilliant idea was it to walk to the grocery store and come home
with pumpkins? Thank goodness I took the reusable bags with us....

Notice the clash of the holidays there? 

I got moves like a ninja. Or something.

Someone was getting sleepy.

"Mom, can you carve it to look like THIS?"

The finished products. Yes, we only did the two this year.

Then it was time to whip up a triple batch of cookies, because I
volunteered to send in snacks for BOTH classes tomorrow.
I still can't decide if that was a good idea or not.

Oooohhhh.....spooky!

Another moon shot, but from tonight. Can you tell I'm having fun
with a camera that will actually take shots at night?

So now I am running back and forth from the computer to the kitchen while I work on making the cookies - but the good news is that I'm almost done with that project. Then I can figure out what seasonings I want to put on the pumpkin seeds and get those roasted up so that I have something semi-healthy to snack on for the next day or two.

And I need to sew. I have a bazaar coming up on Saturday and I'm not ready for it. And I need to rearrange the girls' bedroom. And do some laundry. And do the dishes.

Guess it's a good thing that I got that nap today!

Just some shots from the day

Yep, I actually had to pull the van over this morning, just to take pictures - but when you're dealing with something like this, I think it's excusable.

This was the sunrise on my right...

Kind of hard to believe that Hurricane Sandy was off in that same direction as I was taking the picture. 

And this was the moon setting on my left.

And seriously - these two pictures were taken at the same time. Within moments of each other. As much as I miss the mountains back home, I have to admit that Kansas is good for scenery (of the flat variety).

 And then this was the moon tonight when we got home from Scouts....

So anyway...I didn't do a whole lot today. The weekend was super stressful so I pretty much just sat around and did a whole lot of nothing for most of the day, until I had to take Alex to Scouts. I did walk downtown to run a quick errand before I got them from school, so the day wasn't a total waste.

Tomorrow will be busy. I have to take the boys to school, head out to Emily's school for her honor roll presentation, come home, clean, do laundry, make about 6 dozen cookies for Wednesday, make a grocery list (still haven't done that), go grocery shopping (still haven't done that either), get the stuff to change the oil in my van, try to spend some much needed time with The Dude on his day off work, and get ready for a craft show on Saturday.

Maybe I should just give up and go to bed now.

Just another day...

This was one of the days where I had to get up super-early to get the older 3 kids off to school, so we were in the van and heading out by 7:15 this morning. I got them to school on time (miracle of miracles) and then managed to get these shots as I was taking Alex to his school...

This morning and afternoon were spent mowing. I got my yard done, and then went over to The Dude's and did his since he's still not up to doing anything that strenuous yet. Honestly, I love to mow, so I was not complaining one bit!

We were supposed to get some massive storms tonight, and well, that didn't happen. I was disappointed - I love a good thunderstorm. We did get some (needed) rain, but no wind or hail or anything. There's a beautiful light show going on right now with the cloud-to-cloud lightning, but I know I'm not good enough to get pictures of that...not saying that I won't go outside and try though at some point.

Nothing terribly exciting going on at this point in time - and I'm ok with that.