I have to choose hope.

Today.....today was truly a horrible day.

By now, we all know what happened. We all know about the 20 children who lost their lives at the hands of a gunman in Connecticut.

We don't know the whole story yet, and we probably never will. We know bits and pieces of what happened, but those bits and pieces are disjointed and scrambled and out of order - much like my own thoughts and feelings right now.

I sit here tonight, still in disbelief. I didn't know about it until well after it happened because I was busy living life. I was busy living a normal every day life, while so many innocent children lost theirs...while my children were safe in their own schools, just as oblivious as to what was happening as I was.

How do I as a mother wrap my head around this?

The answer is simple.

I don't.

There is no way for me to comprehend the enormity of what happened today. None. I can not imagine the fear, the terror, the anguish that those families are having to deal with right now. Instead of planning holiday parties and trips to see Santa at the local mall, they are now planning funerals.

How does that happen? Why does that happen?

I could drive myself insane trying to come up with the answers. All I can do at this point is hope.

I can hope that the families who have been affected can somehow come to grips with this.

I can hope that this will never happen to another child, another school, another family.

I can hope that this will never happen to my family.

I can hope.

But because there are no guarantees in life, I can change the things that I can control. I can tell my kids that I love them even more often than I already do. I can hug them tighter, kiss them more, and appreciate having them around even when they are annoying each other and picking fights. I can love the messy rooms and the temper tantrums and the chaotic schedules and the dirty laundry - because it means that I still have my family. 

At the same time, I realize once again that it can all be taken away in an instant. It doesn't have to be a crazed gunman. It can be a fire, or an accident, or an illness, or any number of things. I never know what is going to happen, or when it might happen. 

All I can do is hope - and be thankful for every single day that I get with my family.