I have to choose hope.

Today.....today was truly a horrible day.

By now, we all know what happened. We all know about the 20 children who lost their lives at the hands of a gunman in Connecticut.

We don't know the whole story yet, and we probably never will. We know bits and pieces of what happened, but those bits and pieces are disjointed and scrambled and out of order - much like my own thoughts and feelings right now.

I sit here tonight, still in disbelief. I didn't know about it until well after it happened because I was busy living life. I was busy living a normal every day life, while so many innocent children lost theirs...while my children were safe in their own schools, just as oblivious as to what was happening as I was.

How do I as a mother wrap my head around this?

The answer is simple.

I don't.

There is no way for me to comprehend the enormity of what happened today. None. I can not imagine the fear, the terror, the anguish that those families are having to deal with right now. Instead of planning holiday parties and trips to see Santa at the local mall, they are now planning funerals.

How does that happen? Why does that happen?

I could drive myself insane trying to come up with the answers. All I can do at this point is hope.

I can hope that the families who have been affected can somehow come to grips with this.

I can hope that this will never happen to another child, another school, another family.

I can hope that this will never happen to my family.

I can hope.

But because there are no guarantees in life, I can change the things that I can control. I can tell my kids that I love them even more often than I already do. I can hug them tighter, kiss them more, and appreciate having them around even when they are annoying each other and picking fights. I can love the messy rooms and the temper tantrums and the chaotic schedules and the dirty laundry - because it means that I still have my family. 

At the same time, I realize once again that it can all be taken away in an instant. It doesn't have to be a crazed gunman. It can be a fire, or an accident, or an illness, or any number of things. I never know what is going to happen, or when it might happen. 

All I can do is hope - and be thankful for every single day that I get with my family.

Mom

I got one of *those* phone calls tonight. You know the kind - the phone rings and you see that it's a family member, and you're not expecting a call - and your heart jumps into your throat before you even answer it. And you can tell by the tone of the voice on the other end that it's not good.

And it wasn't good.

It was my sister, letting me know that our mother is in the hospital. She fell this afternoon and broke her shoulder. I don't have a lot of details at this point, but apparently she was helping Dad to split some firewood, and she was heading back into or toward the house. Dad heard her scream and found her where she had fallen.

She somehow got to the hospital - I assume that he took her and didn't call an ambulance. She's been admitted and will be having surgery sometime in the next day or two. They're also doing some tests on some other issues while she's there.

Dad will be 85 next week, and Mom will be 83 the week after that. Not a good time in her life to be dealing with a severe injury - not that there is ever a good time.

So, here I am, stuck in Kansas while she's in the hospital in Pennsylvania.

Waiting for the phone to ring.

Waiting for updates.

Just....waiting.