Things have just been crazy around here.
I haven't had time to sit down and think, much less do a blog post. I thought that once basketball was over, I'd have more time to myself. But, I was wrong! It hasn't been busy in a bad way - just crazy busy.
I've been trying to catch up on all of the cleaning that needs to be done around here, and well, I've been failing miserably at that. And I've been running kids around all over the place trying to get them everywhere that they need to be at the correct time. And trying to keep up with laundry. And cooking - who knew that kids would expect to be fed every. single. day.?
Of course, their dog and Daniel were fighting over who got to sit in his lap, until Daniel finally gave up and crashed on the other end of the couch. Poor kid just can't stay up late to save his life!
The Dude spent the night last night (hush it) and I had set the alarm so that I could get Alex to school this morning. He was up and around and I asked him if he would start the van for me since it was below freezing outside, and he said that he had already planned on doing it. I laid around for a few more minutes while Alex finished getting ready and then started to get up to take him to school. The Dude asked me what I was doing, and I said that I was getting up to take Alex to school and he then informed me that he was taking him. I wasn't fully awake yet and probably babbled something unintelligible to him and rolled back over and passed out again.
By this time, Daniel had gotten up and he crawled into bed with me and we snuggled and talked a little bit, and then I must have fallen asleep again. The next thing I knew, it was 9:30am. Confused, I looked around to try to figure out what was going on and why I was still in bed. The Dude and Daniel were watching TV or playing video games or something, and Daniel had already had breakfast. I was stunned. I asked The Dude why he didn't wake me up, and he just said that he knew I was tired and so he let me sleep in a little bit.
I have to admit - I had to process that one for a while. He knew I was tired and he let me sleep in. I couldn't comprehend it at all - and I'm still working on it. I'm so used to doing it all on my own, and now I have to get used to someone helping me - it's strange, to say the least. I almost felt like I had done something wrong - I mean, isn't it my job to take my kid to school and feed my other kid breakfast? That's what I'm supposed to do - it's what I've done for years, and now there's someone here who is willing to help do those things.
Trust me, I'm not complaining. I'm trying to comprehend that he is willing to help.
And I think, deep down, that I'm trying to accept that it's ok that he wants to help.
It's weird. I mean, for years, I've done it all on my own. And yes, I've complained because it's gotten overwhelming at times. But I've always just considered doing it all to be normal - it was my own version of normal. I didn't have help - I just did it all. And now, with The Dude in my life, I have to adapt to a new version of normal - a version that includes having help with some of the daily stuff. As much as I appreciate it, there's still a part of me that fights him helping - because what if I get used to it, and he bails out and leaves? Why should I get used to having help around if it's not going to last? I mean, really, who would want to stick around in my crazy world with all of these kids and chaos and disorder? (Yes, these are the thoughts that go through my head on a regular basis.)
We talked about all of this quite a bit this morning, and he assured me - again - that he has no intentions of bailing on me. But with everything that has happened in my life, it's hard for me to accept that. It's hard for me to accept that he wants to be around me, and that he wants to stay, and that he wants to help. But bit by bit, little by little, I'm starting to believe him. I'm starting to understand that this is the way that a healthy relationship is supposed to be.
And I have to admit - I'm starting to get used to the idea.