At a loss.

I just don't know that I can say much more than I already said.

I don't know what else to say. This one ...... this one is bothering me more than some of the other recent tragedies for some reason. Maybe because I have 2 races scheduled in the next 3 weeks. Maybe because a little boy the same age as Jared was killed. Maybe because part of Daniel's biological family lives in the Boston area.

We all deal with tragedy in different ways. Some of us sit, glued to the television or the computer, waiting for every report, every picture, every video. Some of us ignore it. Some of us pray, or cry, or scream, or laugh. Some of us post inspirational sayings or memes, or change our profile pictures, or join online movements or groups to show our support to the victims.

I don't know what I'm doing yet. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I do know that when I have a few moments tomorrow I'm going to run a huge bag of clothes to a local charity that gives them away for free so that others can get some use out of them. And I'm going to wear a t-shirt from one of the races that I've done in the past. Neither one of these motions will change anything - nothing can change what happened. Nothing can bring back the lives that were lost today. Maybe donating those clothes will make someone else's life easier. Wearing a race t-shirt shows my support for the running community as we all try to understand what happened today.

We can't all be there on the scene to physically help, and we can't all afford to send donations. But we can all do something on a local level, no matter how small - and that something has the potential to have a positive impact on someone else's life.

Something horrible happened today - but we can make positive things come out of it.

Too much. Just too much.

If you hang around on my facebook page at all, you might have noticed that I decided to hide for a while yesterday. I feel like I owe you an explanation so that you know that we're all ok. Sort of.

Yesterday afternoon, Ex1 called me. He wanted to warn me that Sarah was probably going to have a bit of a rough evening. I could tell from the tone of his voice that it was bad, but I had no way of knowing just how bad it was until he said it.

Without going into too much detail, a woman who has been a mentor to Sarah was in a horrific accident, and her toddler son was killed. The woman and her infant daughter were both injured, with the baby sustaining more serious injuries.

Sarah, obviously, is devastated along with so many of her friends. As a mother, I am completely heartbroken. I don't know what I would do if something like this were to happen to one of my kids. I honestly don't think that I could handle it. I really don't.

As I was getting off of the phone with Ex1, trying to absorb the information that he had just handed me, my phone immediately rang again. This time it was Alex's father, who was calling to let me know that Alex's great-grandfather had passed away the night before. So he came over last evening to tell Alex.

And of course, it doesn't end there. We had to go pick Jared up from basketball practice after supper, and this lovely sight greeted me when I got in the van. So while The Dude's truck is still broken, I'm praying every time that we get into the van that it is just something stupid triggering that stupid light, but we all know how my luck with vehicles goes....needless to say, we need to get this checked out immediately, or we'll be down to no vehicles between the two of us, and that just won't work.

But I have to say this....and I know that I've said it once or twice before. I am so lucky and so grateful to have The Dude in our lives. He has been dealing with 2 broken teeth (when it rains it pours) and has been absolutely miserable and in horrible pain. He had planned to just stay home and crash last night so that he could get up for work this morning, but instead he came over and just hung out with us to keep us company since we were all having such a rough night. He was in no condition to do much of anything, but just having him here made such a big difference. He is definitely my rock.





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P.S. I intentionally left out the details of the accident, and the specific relationship that Sarah has with this woman for many reasons, not the least of which is because I don't reveal specifics about our location. Please respect that - and if you know more because you're local and/or you know us - please do not divulge those details here.

I have to choose hope.

Today.....today was truly a horrible day.

By now, we all know what happened. We all know about the 20 children who lost their lives at the hands of a gunman in Connecticut.

We don't know the whole story yet, and we probably never will. We know bits and pieces of what happened, but those bits and pieces are disjointed and scrambled and out of order - much like my own thoughts and feelings right now.

I sit here tonight, still in disbelief. I didn't know about it until well after it happened because I was busy living life. I was busy living a normal every day life, while so many innocent children lost theirs...while my children were safe in their own schools, just as oblivious as to what was happening as I was.

How do I as a mother wrap my head around this?

The answer is simple.

I don't.

There is no way for me to comprehend the enormity of what happened today. None. I can not imagine the fear, the terror, the anguish that those families are having to deal with right now. Instead of planning holiday parties and trips to see Santa at the local mall, they are now planning funerals.

How does that happen? Why does that happen?

I could drive myself insane trying to come up with the answers. All I can do at this point is hope.

I can hope that the families who have been affected can somehow come to grips with this.

I can hope that this will never happen to another child, another school, another family.

I can hope that this will never happen to my family.

I can hope.

But because there are no guarantees in life, I can change the things that I can control. I can tell my kids that I love them even more often than I already do. I can hug them tighter, kiss them more, and appreciate having them around even when they are annoying each other and picking fights. I can love the messy rooms and the temper tantrums and the chaotic schedules and the dirty laundry - because it means that I still have my family. 

At the same time, I realize once again that it can all be taken away in an instant. It doesn't have to be a crazed gunman. It can be a fire, or an accident, or an illness, or any number of things. I never know what is going to happen, or when it might happen. 

All I can do is hope - and be thankful for every single day that I get with my family.