Craptastic day

I knew that it wasn't going to be a stellar day from the beginning...but wow, I was not expecting it to be quite as brutal as it turned out to be.

It started out with getting up late. Not terribly late, but late enough that we didn't have time to mess around for very long. Ms. Emily refused to get out of bed, and ended up finally getting up about 10 minutes before we had to leave. I was not impressed.

Somehow, I still managed to get all of the kids to their assorted schools on time, and at least had a pretty sunrise to look at, until I started heading the opposite direction and had it right in the face. But still....it was gorgeous.

I got Alex to his school before we realized that he had left his backpack at home - you know, the one that I reminded him to pick up on the way out of the house. He started to pitch a fit before he got out of the van and I gave him the look and sent him on his way.

Daniel and I came home and I did some cleaning and stuff around the house, but I just wasn't in the mood to do anything. Honestly, I was just in a crappy mood. Mother Nature is not being kind to me, and as I just explained to The Dude, I really have just been a stark raving lunatic all day today.

I got a bill from the hospital for my emergency room visit a couple of weeks ago, and I called them to work out payments and stuff - and it got ugly. Without going into details, they made an error, I told them to correct it, and they told me that I'd have to correct it. Uh, sorry - I don't correct other people's errors. You people made the mistake, you fix it. After getting into a rather heated discussion screaming match, she supposedly fixed it. But it was a stupid frustrating couple of phone calls and did absolutely nothing except make me extremely angry.

The kids have been all sorts of hyped-up ever since they got home from school. We had to go to the store to get some stuff, and while they weren't their usual psycho-selves in the store, they sure didn't act like angels. By this time, I didn't care. I was tired, cranky, sore, and more than a little bit irritable so I broke my No Fast Food rule and we stopped at Wendy's to grab food for supper. I just didn't care at that point.

There was drama over missing and horribly overdue library books - which were thankfully located at Ex1's house, after the offender insisted that (1) she never signed them out (2) someone must have stolen them (3) maybe she returned them to the wrong library (4) suddenly remembered exactly where they were.

An empty chocolate chip bag was found in the boys' room - that offender immediately confessed, knowing that lying at that point was futile. He went to bed at 6:30 and hasn't been heard from since.

Emily was sent to bed at 8:00 after her refusal to get up this morning - I told her on the way to school that she was going to bed early so she was prepared for it, but of course at 8:05 she came back out of her room to inform me that she had to study for a math test. *growl*

The rest of the kids have exactly 4 minutes to get to bed - and I swear at this point I had better not hear a single complaint because I am not in the mood. I'm not staying up late tonight - I'm going to bed and hopefully sleeping off this mood and waking up tomorrow all sorts of chipper and cheerful feeling somewhat rational again.

On the plus side, I did sign up for another race - I am determined to stick to my goal of doing one race per month for the year, so this will take care of February. It's a 5 mile race on February 11 - which is also the day that the girls have an honor band thing. Needless to say that's going to be a crazy day, but I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have a crazy day.

On that note, I'm dangerously close to calling it a night. I will attempt to be nicer tomorrow. But I'm not promising anything.

Rough day

I've been dreading this day for weeks. Seriously. I knew that it was going to be rough, but I wasn't sure how rough - and now it's starting.

One year ago today, February 2, 2011 - is the day that my ex-husband (Daniel's father) passed away. It was the day that my entire world turned upside down and inside out. We had been separated for 20 months when our divorce became final, and divorced for 20 days when he died.

Long story short, if you're not familiar with it - he was an alcoholic. There was a lot of denial about that fact, but it is what it is. It contributed to his death at the age of 46.

For the relatively short time that we were married, I tried to help him fight the alcoholism. I tried to make him "see the light". I tried to get him to stop drinking. When he first moved in with us and we would have a "few drinks" before bedtime, I would even go so far as to drink way more than I needed or wanted to, with the assumption that if *I* was drinking the booze, he wasn't - and that would somehow help him. If I found a bottle hidden somewhere, I would dump it down the drain. I kicked him out of the house numerous times, threatened him with divorce, called the police when I feared for our safety, forced him to go to rehab - none of it worked.

Sometimes it worked for short periods of time, but he always fell back into the same patterns - until I had finally had enough. I didn't feel that the kids and I were safe anymore. So I made him leave one final time. That was by far one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life, but I knew that there was nothing that I could do to help him. He had to help himself.

He moved back east with his family, and we stayed here. We tried to talk things out on the phone, but it never worked. He was usually intoxicated and I would lose my temper and hang up on him. All I wanted him to do was to get sober. I loved him. When he was sober, he was a wonderful person; but all it took was one drink and the ugly part of him would come out. He was a man possessed by a demon, and there was no controlling that demonic presence. I tried.

In the meantime, because I was not working, the bills were not getting paid. His child support was not getting paid. He wasn't working because he didn't have his drivers license as the result of a DUI arrest when he was still here. He was getting unemployment, but he refused to pay the child support after the first few months.

The last conversation that I ever had with him will haunt me for the rest of my life. It was in September or October of 2010. We had been separated for nearly a year and a half by then. I still remember it so clearly - we were in the old house, and the kids were in bed so I had gone out on the porch while we were talking - or trying to talk. The subject of the child support came up, and he informed me that he had no intentions of paying it. He refused to pay what was court-ordered to support Daniel. I had had enough. I suggested to him that he relinquish his parental rights to Daniel. By doing so, he wouldn't be responsible for any more child support payments and he could go on with his life and try to repair the relationship that he had with his older son, and allow Daniel to grow up not having to wonder if his father cared about him. I told him flat out that at this point, Daniel didn't remember him, didn't ask about him, and he would be better off with no father at all instead of having a drunk one who might waltz in and out of his life once or twice a year and pretend to be a father. I wasn't saying these things to be mean - to me it was, and still is, the truth. I wanted Jeff to be free from the responsibility, the obligation, and to focus on healing himself without the additional pressure of financially supporting a child who didn't choose to have a drunk as a father.

His last words to me during that conversation were "over my dead body". Those were the last words that I ever heard him say. A few months later, he was dead.

That conversation haunts me to this day. I know in my head that I didn't cause his death. But I can't help but wonder if I could have done things differently. Maybe if I had given him one more chance, he would have gotten sober. Maybe if I hadn't kicked him out, things would have turned out differently. What if....?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and wonder what I could have done differently. In my head, I know that I did the right thing, but that conversation replays in my head time and time again, and I struggle with it daily. There are times that the guilt is unbearable, but I know that no matter what anyone says or thinks - I did the right thing. I had to protect myself and protect my kids. I had our best interests in mind when I made him leave. I couldn't take the risk of someone getting hurt again - including him.

So now, a year later...I look back at what happened and I continue to wonder what I could have done differently. I deal with the guilt as best I can. While I wish that things had turned out differently, I know in my heart that he is at peace. The demons are gone. Each day does get a bit easier but there will always be a part of me that blames myself. I know that I did the right thing - I just wish that there had been a different outcome.

To his family: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that things turned out the way that they did. This is not what I wanted. I never wanted to take him away from you. I never wanted you to go through this kind of pain and heartache. I never wanted to take him away from his older son, and that in particular is something for which I will never forgive myself.

But at the same time, I also want his family to understand that I will not feel guilty for moving on with my life. I am doing my best to raise my kids in a way that will make everyone proud. Daniel is an amazing little boy who is smart and funny and athletic, and he is happy. You were given the opportunity to be a part of Daniel's life, and you chose not to take advantage of it. You have refused to provide information that I needed that would qualify him for benefits that would help him. And those are things that to me, are unforgivable.

A year later, and I am stronger than I ever thought that I would be. I am happy. I have found a wonderful man who treats me and the kids the way that we deserve to be treated - and I will not apologize for that. My little family has gone through a lot of stress, heartache, and pain to get to where we are today, and I am proud of where we are. We have plans for the future, and we are doing what we need to do to make those plans a reality.

I will never forget Jeff. But I have forgiven myself for what happened.

Rest in Peace, Jeff.

Lessons in bike riding

Daniel and I ended up running all over Wichita this morning. We started out heading to Target to exchange our defective DVD player. I took it back into the store and explained to the customer service guy that I just wanted to exchange it, but I would really like to have my DVD back - you, know, the one that was stuck inside of it. So I went back to the electronics section, got another one, and then walked over to the bikes to see if they had the tires that I needed for his bike.

Of course not - they don't sell tires any more. They sell the tubes, but no tires. Well, that's fantastic, since I already have the tubes....but, whatever.

We went back up front and exchanged the DVD player and left. Then I thought that since we were in the "big city" I might as well check some other local bike shops to see if I could find the tires for less than the $20 that WalHell wanted. Thanks to my trusty phone, I was able to pull up a few that were in the area. I stopped at the first one, and lo and behold, they wanted $20 for the tires too. Uh, thanks, but no thanks. I'll find them cheaper elsewhere.

Then I realized that I was just a few blocks away from Toys R Us. They sell bikes. Therefore, they should sell bike stuff, right? So off we went. We found the bikes in the back of the store, found the tubes, but again, no tires. I hit the nearby "help button" several times and waited for an associate to come help me as the little button promised, but nothing. Irritated, I walked back up front and asked about the tires. Guess what? They don't sell tires anymore.

At that point, I was willing to just give up and go home. We got back in the van and headed in that direction, but at a traffic light I pulled the list up on my phone one more time. There was one more shop that was sort of on the way, so I opted to call it to see what their prices were before I actually stopped in to check. Turns out that he had the tires and they ranged from about $9-11. I asked him to repeat himself, confirmed his store's address, and got there about 3 minutes later.

So, the same tires that would have cost me $40 plus tax at WalHell ended up costing me about $25 at this place. Oh yeah - I was happy - and Daniel was thrilled!

This afternoon, after I picked the boys up from school, I started working on the tires. It was a lot harder than I thought that it was going to be, and my hands are killing me now, but I finally got both tires changed. Turned out that one of the tubes was actually still in good condition, so I now have a spare tube.

I was absolutely tickled that after I got it done, Alex was helping Daniel to get his helmet on the right way. Daniel was so stoked to finally be able to ride his very own bike that he just couldn't get his fingers to work fast enough to get it on himself!

He couldn't wait to get onto it, but of course I hadn't thought to lower the seat yet - he still managed to get on, even though he couldn't reach the pedals. So I adjusted the seat and then we started practicing. I'm not sure how many times I ran up and down the sidewalk with him, but it was more than a few!

He's never been on a "big boy bike" so he really had no idea how to pedal or anything - but I honestly think that the hardest part is going to be getting him to look forward instead of down at his feet or off to the side at something.

Wouldn't life in general be easier if we all remembered that?

It's a lot easier to get to where you want to go if you just focus on what's ahead of you instead of all of the other distractions.




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And just because it's too adorable not to post....after supper and baths, they played for a while and then got really really quiet. I went to tell them to go to bed, and this is what I found.

Moments like this make my heart happy.

It is January, right?

The last time I checked, January was still considered a winter month.

So how is it that I was making sun tea on my front porch today?

This weather has just been bizarre, to say the least. But I tried to take advantage of it after I picked the boys up from school.

I had managed to get a hold of bikes for Daniel and Jared right before Christmas, but I haven't given them to them yet because they need a little bit of work. But I pulled Daniel's out today and figured that with some new tubes and tires, it would be as good as new.

We have limited places here in town to buy things like that, so I did what I could to avoid going to WalHell, but I ended up there anyway.

Holy crap! I had no idea that tires were so expensive! I mean really, it's a kids bike - not a car! It was going to cost me $50 to get new tires and tubes, but they sell brand new bikes for that price! I wasn't happy about it, but we left, empty-handed. We stopped at the hardware store, and they had tubes cheaper but no tires. I went ahead and bought the tubes but I'm going to hold off on the tires for now until I find some at a better price.

Once I officially gave up on the bike project, the boys went out back to play for a little bit - with no coats.

While they played around on the swingset, I wandered around the yard, scoping out the work that I'll need to do in the spring. Even though I've seen this fence post and tree dozens of times, it still amazes me.

I would love to know how long it took for the tree to surround the metal.

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow. I have a bunch of things that I need to do, even more that I want to do, and some that I should do. I really should get back down to Wichita to try to exchange the DVD player that I bought the other day, since it's defective and has eaten one of our DVDs - and if I do that, I can look for bike tires while I'm at it. I have tons of cleaning that needs to be done (imagine that), and I really want to go to a playdate. At this point though, I'm fighting to stay awake, so I'm thinking that I might just crash for now and figure out what I want to do in the morning after I take Alex to school. If I'm going to do the Wichita trip this week, I really need to do it tomorrow or it's going to have to wait until Thursday - and I'd really rather just get it over with at this point.

With my luck though, even if I do go to bed now, I won't sleep....blah. Too much on my mind yet.

How things change

I'm just going to warn you now. This is going to be an "off" week for me. Honestly, I've been dreading this week for a while now, and now that it's here, I just want it to get over with and go away.

At the same time, I sat here just now and thought back to where I was a year ago. I was still driving the ever-so-glorious She-Beast (when she wasn't dead) and was constantly struggling to get through the day. I was barely making ends meet and was in constant danger of losing my utilities until I could get some steady income. My divorce was finally final and all I wanted to do was reclaim my life and move on, in any way possible. I had no idea how that was going to happen, but I know that I wanted it so badly that I could taste it.

Little did I know a year ago how much my life would change in the next 12 months. In one message consisting of only 4 words, my world would turn upside down. I would be on the verge of losing everything. I would lean on my friends in unimaginable ways. I would learn the true value of those friendships. I would lose loved ones but still see new life being brought into the world. I would try my hand at dating, only to fail miserably a few times before finally getting it right. Things would start to fall into place in so many ways. I would make an epic road trip to see friends, both new and old, and get to spend time with my family. I would see this piddly little blog grow from nothing to what it is today. I would gain new friends, lose old ones, and strengthen relationships that were damaged.

In short, it's been a crazy year. I'll touch on some things later this week, including some moments in my life that were devastating, thrilling, and one that always makes me reflect on where I've been and where I'm going. Things might get a little deeper than usual, but that's why I do what I do here - this isn't just a place for me to brag about my kids - it's also a place for reflection. I share some experiences in the hopes that they may help someone who has been in a similar place, not that I think that I'm an expert on anything, but sometimes just knowing that someone else has been there can be the catalyst for someone else's healing.

So, bear with me as I get through this week and the memories that are going to surface. Some of them are going to be painful, but I promise that they will be honest and I will not intentionally hurt anyone else with what I feel that I need to say. If I do, let's just discuss it rationally, ok?

With that being said, I hope that we can get into some good discussions this week - if you're not already following me on my facebook page, please come and join in the fun over there.

CrazyFunBusy

Wow. We did so much today.

We got up early to go to the girls' final basketball games of the season. Emily's started at 9:00 this morning, so I was up by 6:30 to get all 5 kids up and dressed and fed. In my quest to try to start eating healthier, I opted to make the pancakes with whole wheat flour - and believe it or not, they ate them. The girls knew that something was different, and they said that they were "ok" but the boys inhaled them (go figure). We left here at about 8:00 to go and grab The Dude to take him with us.

Emily's game didn't go so well. The girls played hard, but I'm pretty sure that the visiting team's girls were on some sort of growth hormones and maybe some steroids too - seriously, they were HUGE compared to our girls. Granted, we have some small girls on our team, but for the most part they've been pretty equally matched in size with the opposing teams throughout the season - until today. It was virtually impossible for them to do much of anything against them. But they gave it their all, and I'm so proud of how far the entire team has come throughout the season.

We had some time to kill before Sarah's game started, so we came back home and cleaned up some stuff and then went back to the school. We got there just a couple of minutes after Sarah's game started and as we were making our way across the bleachers to get to a seat, I glanced up and saw Sarah NAIL a shot from well outside the 3-point zone - we're talking a "nothing but net" kind of shot - it was AMAZING!!! She got another shot in soon after that as well, but unfortunately it wasn't enough for them to pull out a win. Sarah's team played hard and it was a fast-paced game - her team has also amazed me with their progress since the beginning of the season, and I'm hoping that she decides to play again next year. She hasn't decided if she wants to or not yet - her insecurities are about as bad as mine, but I think with the right encouragement she might try.

After the games were over, the older 3 kids went with Ex1 for the rest of the weekend and so The Dude and I took Alex and Daniel and went to Wichita for the afternoon. We stopped at a friend's house to return the bra that I had borrowed for the wedding last weekend and hung out and visited with her and her husband and kids for a while.

After that we went shopping. I've needed to get a new pair of sneakers - mine were totally shredded inside and were starting to blister my feet, so it was time. We ran into Target (anything to avoid going to WalHell) and found a pair of sneakers for a reasonable price. I'm going to attempt to wear them without getting the lift put into them - I've had to have a 1/2" lift built into my right shoe for the past few years after the hip replacement, but when it costs $96 to get that lift put in...yeah. I'm going to try to live without it and see what happens. I used to not be able to even walk around barefoot because the difference in the lengths of my legs bothered me so much, but now I can so maybe I can tolerate shoes without the lift too. I hope. *crossing fingers*

By this time, it was getting late in the afternoon and we hadn't really had much to eat all day, so we opted to stop and get some food. We tried to avoid the typical "fast food" and opted for a pizza buffet, and totally gorged ourselves - and I had the first soda in about 4-5 days. See - I said I was going to cut it down, but not eliminate it, so I think I've been doing ok - and this is also the first time that we've eaten out all week too, so we're doing pretty good.

After we ate, we stopped to visit with one of The Dude's friends and hung out there for a little bit, and then we headed back home. I dropped him back off at his house and brought the boys home. We tried to hook up the new DVD player that we got when I got my sneakers, and sure enough, the stupid thing won't work. I'm so irritated right now, because it's most likely going to mean another trip to Wichita to exchange it, but of course one of our DVDs is now stuck inside it. Grr. So the boys hung out and played while I played around on the computer, trying to deal with some stuff that had come up and get some other things done at the same time, and then they went to bed with NO arguments - I think they were tired from all of the running that we did today!

Tomorrow is church, assuming that we get up on time - we really need to, since we haven't gone for the past few weeks with me being sick and then being out of town. Then it'll be an afternoon of cleaning and hanging out with The Dude and just trying to get stuff done before falling back into the school routine on Monday.

Time just keeps flying by, no matter what we do....

The Power of the Purple Bandana

I've made several references to my purple bandana on my facebook page but I've never really explained the meaning behind it. I'm not even sure when it started, but it's been around for years. It went missing for a long time, and then I suddenly found it -surprise - in the girls' room a few weeks ago.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I very rarely wear my hair down. It's almost always in a ponytail, or when it gets long enough it goes into a bun. As much as I like to have long hair, I can't stand to have it in my face - so it has to be pulled up away from my face. Unless of course, it's a special occasion (like the wedding last weekend) and then I might leave it down. I will confess though - I did have a ponytail holder in my purse in case my hair got the best of me that night!

Anyway, the bandana. I honestly think that it started in college. Or maybe right after college. It seemed like whenever I was in the mood to *really* clean, I'd bust out the purple bandana and put it on to keep my hair out of my face. People quickly learned that if I had it on, they had best just leave me alone, because I was on a mission.

And now, 15-20 years later, the same still rings true. When I know that I have a lot of things to get accomplished, I bust out the purple bandana and get to work. Today was no different.

After I got the kids up and dressed and fed and to school, I came back here and started cleaning. I got the dishwasher loaded and run and did some laundry. I took Daniel to school and then went to the library to deal with some overdue books, got gas in the van, went to the hardware store to get a couple of things, to the bank to get some money and to the post office to get stamps. I came back home and did some more cleaning before I picked him up and then took him to his other preschool for the afternoon. While he was there, I got the rest of the bills into the mail, did more cleaning, unloaded the dishwasher, washed some other dishes, worked on some other laundry, did some straightening up around the house, and took care of a few other odds and ends.

Somewhere in there I made a batch of no-bake cookies for the kids and then made supper. I folded the girls' laundry and made them put it all away.

I'll admit that I'm fizzling out though. I started cleaning up the kitchen a few times, but it's still not done....it's like a whole bunch of tacos exploded in there! The kids love them, but boy they make a mess....I will finish cleaning that before I go to bed though, so that I can make breakfast in the morning without having to sift through all of the debris.

People ask me all the time where my cape is - they think I'm some sort of superhero for doing the things that I do everyday. So now you know my secret - I don't have a cape, but instead I have a purple bandana.