Judgmental people suck

Yep. I'm about to take off on a rant here.

Just over a year ago, I wrote a post about judgmental people and what I thought about them. There have been so many things that have come up in my life in the past week or so and they've really just been kind of eating at me. I told The Dude tonight that I didn't think that there would ever come a time that I would need to blog, but right now, I need to do it. I need to get this crap out of my head.

I'm going to warn you right now....I'm currently typing this at about eleventy bajillion words per minute - literally just spewing it out to get it out of my head and try to make some sense of it. So if it doesn't make sense, well, I don't know what to tell you.

About a week and a half ago or so, I wrote the post on my thoughts on marriage and how I believe that everyone should have that right. I am very happy to say that 100% of the comments on both the blog post and on my facebook page were positive - and I really expected to get some negative backlash from that one. So that made me happy. Even when I changed the cover photo on my facebook page, no one said anything negative. And for that, y'all rock.

I changed my profile photo on my personal profile too, and most of the response that I got was positive. I got involved in a few discussions, but didn't really get into any arguments about it and for that I was thankful. I was saddened to see a few closed-minded people continue to use the "Bible argument" and try to force their own religion onto others despite that whole 'freedom of religion' thing in this country, but I also know that some people will never change. And that's ok, because just like me they are free to believe whatever they want to believe.

So in that department, the Judgy McJudgersons behaved themselves.

But elsewhere....

A friend called me the other day. She runs another page on facebook, and she was telling me that she had posted something on her page about being stressed because she was going to have extra kids around for a few days. Apparently, someone commented on her status and told her something to the effect of (and I am massively paraphrasing here) 'you shouldn't complain because Non-Stop Mom does it on her own all of the time' or something like that.

Honestly, that really bugged me the more that I thought about it. I don't ever want anyone to think that my life is so horrible or stressful or depressing or whatever that I have to be admired for getting through it. It's my life, people. It is what it is, period.

Think about it. I'm a single mom. Yes, that's stressful. Yes, it makes some things harder than it does for parents who have a spouse. But you know what? I'm single by choice. I choose to be a single mom. I didn't choose it when it happened, but I sure as heck choose it now. Yes, I have The Dude and I love him with all of my heart and soul and I fully intend to torture him for the rest of our lives be with him for a very long time - but I choose not to be married to him. There are a lot of reasons there and I've talked about some of them before but regardless, I'm a single mom by choice.

Hopefully, as we continue house hunting, we'll be living together within a few months and although we will not be married, he'll be around to help more. Until then, it's ok. Really.

My schedule is crazy. We all know that. But you know what? It's crazy by choice too. I allow my kids to participate in as many activities as they can because I think that (to a point) it's good for them. I want them to be active and involved and to enjoy life as much as possible. I could seriously simplify my schedule by just saying no to a few after school activities - but I choose to do them. And that's ok.

I could also simplify my schedule by just not taking on so many projects at one time. But you know what? By making the choice not to work right now, I can also make the choice to be more involved in other stuff. Important stuff. And so I run myself ragged. I like to stay busy. It's my choice. And that's ok.

So I don't sleep very much. You know what? A lot of that's by choice too. I don't get a lot of time to myself during the day, so I stay up late playing on the computer and blogging and doing whatever I feel like doing for a few hours. Should I do it all of the time? Probably not. Have I been getting better about it? Somewhat. But again, it's my choice. And it's ok too.

Another area where the Judgy McJudgersons have been out in full force is that silly Tooth Fairy letter. Holy crap, people. Seriously? It's still appearing in random places and it seems like the farther out we get from the original posting of it in January, the more hateful people get. For real. I saw it on 3 different facebook pages today, and holy crapola the hate and venom and ........ mean, judgmental people were just unreal. I couldn't believe it. There are so many people out there who are willing to call me a horrible mother ... mean ... nasty ... evil ... the worst parent ever ... bitch ... that I'm scarring my kids for life (that one still kind of amuses me) ... that I'm lying to my kids ... that I'm lazy ... Seriously, you name the insult, and I bet I've read it in regards to that letter.

But you know what? I can take it. It really doesn't bother me that much. But then I sit back and think - if people are so willing to judge a random unknown parent by one single random piece of paper that's circulating around the internet with absolutely no context whatsoever - what kind of judgments are they passing on people who are actually in their lives? What are they saying about their kids' teachers, or their own siblings, or their neighbors, or the homeless guy that they pass every morning on their way to work? What do these people think of themselves? How is it that they feel qualified to judge someone unknown to them based on one tiny little momentary glimpse into that person's life?

Honestly, what gives anyone the right to judge anyone else? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that being judgmental is a learned trait - and most of the time, kids pick that up from their parents and other adults in their lives. Think about that the next time you feel like spouting off some line of judgy crap about someone in front of your kid, and then go one step farther and think about how you would feel if you were the person being judged.

Trust me, being judged sucks. It really does. That I can tell you from experience.

A calmer day...for the most part.

After the complete and utter chaos that was yesterday, today was a welcomed calm.

The morning started out cold (and frosty) but the kids actually got up with only minimal airhorn action. We all managed to eat breakfast and I even got a shower *gasp* before we left to go to school.

I got the older 3 to school on time and then dropped Alex off at his school, and Daniel and I came home and hung out for a while. I did some cleaning and stuff (of course) and then took him to school. Then I had to run back out to the girls' school to take some stuff that they had forgotten this morning (grrr.) and some stuff that they didn't know that they needed.

I happened to stumble upon this scenario and sat and watched them for a few minutes - just long enough to determine that I am very happy that I do not live in that house. Seriously, watching these guys work was interesting. It's hard to tell from this angle, but that pole was within a couple of feet of the roof of that house. I'm sure that they're professionals and all that, but.....yeah.

A perk of the day was remembering that I didn't have to make supper tonight! *happy dance* There was a preschool function for us to go to where we would be served "stone soup" that was made by the kids. The soup was absolutely delicious - and probably tasted just a smidge better because I didn't have to make it.

But of course we couldn't get through even a 45 minute meal without at least one attitude problem - so once we all got done eating, we piled back into the van and came home and the boys went to bed early. Very early.

Sucks, but I can't deal with them when they act like total spazzes out somewhere. One of these days, they'll figure out that they're not going to get away with it. At least, I hope that they will.

It's times like this that my singleness comes back and slaps me in the face. When we first got there, of course the boys had to go to the bathroom. One at a time. I swear, it was like they plotted against me - as soon as one got done, another one had to go. By the time I got them all taken care of, my soup was lukewarm at best. Then on the way out of the building, they all decided that they wanted to run off in different directions - another reason why they went to bed early.

But still, while being single sucks (at times), I'm also grateful that I'm not in a crappy relationship. I know that there are good guys out there, but I haven't found one yet, and I'm ok with that. For now. Sort of.

Ok, maybe I'm starting to get tired of it. A little. Or a lot.

But I'll live.

The most terrifying thing in the world to me...

OK, confession time.

Conversations have come up recently on various blogs and facebook posts about things that people fear. Of course, there are the usual culprits - spiders, snakes, mice, bugs, dentists (oh, wait, that's one of mine), flying (also mine), crossing bridges, things like that.

But honestly, none of those things bother me that much in the grand scheme of things. (Well, maybe dentists...)

My biggest fear in the world is....

Ready?

Dating.

Yep. There you have it. I said it. And my skin immediately began to crawl. Literally. The little hairs on my arms are standing up on end from just thinking about it.

Ever since Ex2 and I split up over 2 years ago, people have asked me when I was going to start dating again. At first, it was easy to brush it off. I had too much drama in my life due to the separation from him, too many bills to pay, too much legal stuff to deal with, too many emotions related to the whole thing. My life was just too much.

But now, things have calmed down. A LOT. Mentally, I'm in a much better place. We are situated in our new home, ghetto-like as it may be. I have dependable wheels. Our financial situation has improved, and the bills are getting paid. I'm taking better care of myself, and I feel better about myself in general.

So why is dating so terrifying to me?

It's not that I haven't had the opportunity. I've gone out on several dates in the past few months. Most of the guys have been wonderful (well, there was that one, but we won't go there....) and they have treated me well. But then I freak out and I push them away. Why do I do this?

I admit, I'm independent. Maybe too independent. There aren't many things around the house that I can't do by myself. I don't "need" a man to help me mow the grass (well, except for today when the mower decided to take a dump and die in the middle of the back yard) or to replace a faulty light switch or to take out the trash. I can do all of that on my own.

I like being single. I like not having someone watching over my shoulder, criticizing me for every little thing that I might do wrong. I like being able to drink my Diet Pepsi straight out of the 2-liter bottle in the fridge with no one pestering me about it. I like being able to nuke a frozen meal for supper if I don't feel like cooking. I like being able to buy the food that *I* want to buy at the grocery store. I like being able to just pack up and go on a road trip with a girlfriend (or by myself) whenever I want to do it. I even like waking up alone, because I am NOT pleasant in the morning and the last thing I want to deal with when I first wake up is a morning person.

But at the same time, I hate being single. I hate that when I sit down to watch a late-night movie, the only guys that I generally have with me are Ben & Jerry (not that I don't love them, but you know what I mean). I hate falling asleep alone. I hate not having someone to keep the kids amused so that I can take a shower without having to be a referee for the fist fights that happen on the other side of the shower curtain. I hate that I can't keep up with my running/walking routine because I don't have someone who can watch the kids for me while I go. I really hate that I have to call 911 when I hear a noise that terrifies me because I don't have someone who can go out and check on it for me. I also really hate being the only single person out of my friends, and feeling like I stick out like a sore thumb at the few social gatherings that I attend.

My life finally feels good to me. I feel like I am at least somewhat in control of it. I feel like at this point in time, the kids and I are living in a drama-free bubble, and I like it. No, I love it. I am terrified of allowing someone else into our bubble, for fear that it may pop. But at the same time, I am afraid that if I continue to think like this, I may miss the chance to meet the man of my dreams (ok, even saying that makes me want to hurl, but it's true).

I am torn between just wanting to stay single for the rest of my life and wanting to be in a relationship. And really, it's not the relationship part that scares me the most - it's the dating that is necessary to get there. I've said it a million times, and I'll say it again: I suck at dating. Given my track record, as colorful as it is, I am afraid of meeting someone great and getting all goofy and happy about it, and then having it fall apart. Yes, I know, that's an inherent risk. But, damn, do I have to deal with that crap? And then there's the age-old question about when to introduce the hypothetical guy to the kids. And what guy in his right mind would even want to deal with a woman with 5 kids from 3 different fathers? I mean, really, my kids make me want to run away sometimes - how can I expect someone else to deal with them on a regular basis?

Previous men in my life have not been nice to me, to put it mildly. I have been called every name in the book. I have been embarrassed publicly by them, I have been insulted, I have been beaten down both physically and mentally, and I have been through hell. Not every man, mind you, but a large percentage of them have treated me like crap. Why would I want to put myself back into a position of vulnerability again?

Oh yeah, because one of these days, I'll find one that will treat me like I deserve to be treated. Or at least that's what people like to tell me.

Am I completely mental? OK, I know I am, but am I more mental than usual over this? Or is this normal? This is the longest that I have been single in *cough* probably 20 years *cough*. Is dating supposed to be this scary?

Seriously, I need input here.