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Saturday, November 8, 2014

Making Amends

I got a phone call yesterday. Actually, I got a voicemail because as soon as I saw the area code of the caller, I got chills and couldn't move to answer it even if I wanted to.

I waited for the voicemail notification, staring at the phone the entire time. I was sitting downstairs in the Mom Cave at the sewing machine, and the phone was sitting beside the machine as I worked. When the notification chimed, I picked up the phone, called the voicemail, and somehow entered my code with my hands shaking.

"Good morning, Amy! This is S, Jeff's father. I'm calling because I need to talk with you. I know it's been a long time and there's been some issues and so forth but anyway, I'm trying to reach out. I need to make some amends and I'd really like to hear from you. I'd appreciate it very much. I've been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and enough is enough. We need to make some peace here so anyway I hope things are well. My wife keeps track of you on the internet and she just says that you're just such a lovely mother and I believe that. Anyway when it's convenient, and if you don't, I understand too. I just would like to talk with you. Anyway, I hope it warms up there in Kansas. Give me a call. Please. Bye."

My first reaction was extreme anger. Then sadness. Pain. Anger. Devastation. Confusion. Intense sadness. Disbelief. Anger.

I screamed and yelled and cried and stomped around the house and sobbed and collapsed in the middle of the living room floor.

How dare he do this? Why now? What gives this man the right to call me and "make amends"???

I called The Dude and told him what happened. I forwarded the voicemail to him so that he could hear it. He asked me the Million Dollar Question: What are you going to do?

I've gone round and round and round in my head about it. I've listened to the message dozens of times. And here is my response:

Dear S:

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Cancer is a truly horrible disease, and I don't wish it on anyone.

I have not stopped thinking about how to handle this since the second that I saw your number come up on my phone. I thought about ignoring it and just not responding, but realistically - that gives you closure. You get to say "well, I tried" and pat yourself on the back. I thought about calling you back and telling you exactly how I feel, but I know that wouldn't end well. You would try to manipulate me and tell me again how everything was all my fault like you've done in the past, and I wouldn't be able to say what I wanted to say. Maybe a public blog post isn't the best way to handle it, but I don't have your address so I can't send you a letter - and this way it's "out there" so that everyone can see exactly what I said.... because I have nothing to hide.

Just to refresh your memory, it's been more than 5 1/2 years since you've bothered to contact me. To be precise, I told Jeff to leave for the final time 5 years, 6 months, and 2 days ago - and you never bothered to contact me since before then. You never called to make sure that Daniel was ok or to see if he needed anything. You wrote him off, just like the rest of your family did.

Even after I made it clear that you could have a relationship with Daniel, you chose not to. You continued to ignore him. Worse, you and/or your family made it your mission to make our lives more difficult. The decisions made by you and your family destroyed everything that I had and everything that I was for a while.

But now..... after all of this time..... you want to make amends.

Why? Because you're dying.

Think about that. You're not doing it because it's the right thing to do or because you miss your grandson, but because you're dying. You didn't even mention him in your voicemail - it was all about you and your need to make amends. It's not about anyone else but you. You think that if you do this now, you'll get your Get Into Heaven Free card.

You could have done this any time in the last 5 1/2 years, but no. You chose to wait until the last minute, giving me a guilt-laden ultimatum to make you feel better about yourself.

I have news for you.

No.

You lost your chance.

I have done nothing in the last 5 1/2 years but put my kids first. I have fought tooth and nail to give them the life that they deserve. We have struggled to rebuild what we lost after we lost Jeff, and we did it without your help. We have moved on, we have grown up, and we have learned what is truly important in life. I am not the same person that I was back then. I don't allow myself to be trampled anymore. I don't hide my feelings, and I'm not afraid to tell you exactly what I think of you.

You have done nothing for Daniel. Nothing. You have not been there for him. You have not shown him love or respect or anything but indifference. You have only shown him that he is not worth anything to you or anyone else in your family.

The good news is that he has a huge family who does love him. He has a dad now - one who he has chosen and one who loves him as a dad should. He has siblings and grandparents and cousins and crazy aunts and uncles who love him as he deserves to be loved - and they won't turn their backs on him.

You chose not to have that. You chose to wait until the last minute, hoping that I would feel bad enough for you to give into you and give you what you expect - but it's not going to happen. Maybe I'll regret this decision some time in the future - but then I'll remind myself that it wasn't me who turned my back 5 1/2 years ago.

It wasn't Daniel's fault. It wasn't my fault.

It was you. It was your family. It was your choices.

So there you go. You reached out. You tried. Good for you.

And I told you what I think. Good for me.

I guess we both got something out of this.

Peace,
Amy

13 comments:

  1. Good for you. I feel the same way about 2 people in my life. I choose not to suffer them (even though they are important in my children's and grandchildren's lives). It's all about choices.

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  2. Good for you!!! Perfectly said as well! And from what i read he deserved everything you had to say to him!

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  3. I'm truly glad you wrote this and got it off your chest. You've got your closure. Now, don't let him ruin anymore of your life.

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  4. Amy you are amazing. You did that so incredibly well. I applaud you. You have every right to feel the way you do. Standing up for our children is our job and you did it admirably. You are one strong woman with goodness in her heart. This is coming from someone who has followed you since the Ross days. You and the dude stay strong. Your kids are lucky to have you both.

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  5. I don't know the story behind this, but just from reading this post I'm utterly impressed. Good for you!

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  6. You know I've been with you and this blog for almost - God, what is it now, 4 years?
    I have seen you pick yourself up - I have seen you fight and cry and claw, for what your children deserve.

    These people - deserve exactly what you gave them here - Nothing.
    You giving them an explanation - is more than they are worth.

    I am so proud to be your (blogging) friend. I am so proud to know you.

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  7. FORGIVENESS IS A VERY HARD THING TO DO. WHAT I SEE HERE IS A MAN DYING AND WANTING FORGIVENESS BEFORE HE DIES. GOD SAID, YOU MUST FORGIVE IN ORDER FOR HIM TO FORGIVE YOU OF YOUR SINS. HE DIDN'T SAY YOU HAVE TO BE BEST FRIENDS WITH THE PERSON.
    LET ME TELL YOU A LONG STORY I'LL MAKE SHORT. I HAD TO FORGIVE A PERSON THAT CAME INTO OUR FAMILY THROUGH MARRIAGE. SHE WAS A MEAN HORRIBLE PERSON. IF I TOLD YOU ALL THE NAZI TYPE THINGS SHE DID TO OUR FAMILY YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT. I THINK I'M THE ONLY PERSON THAT FORGAVE HER. I WILL ADMIT I DIDN'T TELL HER TO HER FACE BUT AFTER YEARS AND YEARS OF HATE FOR HER I KNEW IF I DIDN'T FORGIVE HER GOD WOULDN'T FORGIVE ME. AS SOON AS I DID FORGIVE A TON OF PAIN DISAPPEAR FROM MY BODY AND MIND. SHE DIED A HATEFUL WOMEN AND ALONE EXCEPT FOR ONE OF HER DAUGHTERS THAT HAD HER GENES . SAD BUT TRUE.AS FOR YOUR LETTER ABOVE. YOU DID GOOD BUT GIVE HIM THE ONE THING HE NEEDS. FORGIVENESS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE FRIENDS. AMY WE'RE ALL PROUD OF YOU AND WATCH HOW YOU PULLED YOUR WAY TO THE TOP. YOU DID IT. YOU ALONE.FORGIVENESS WILL MAKE YOU THE BETTER PERSON.
    YOU KNOW I TYPE IN LARGE LETTERS BECAUSE I CAN. PLUS, IT HELPS ME SEE THE LETTERS BETTER. I'M NOT YELLING. FORGIVENESS IS WHAT I BELIEVE IN. JUST A GRANNY THAT LOVES LITTLE DANIEL AND YOUR FAMILY THROUGH YOUR BLOG. DO THINK ABOUT WHAT I JUST WROTE. IF I WROTE ALL THE MEAN THINGS OUR FAMILY HAD TO GO THROUGH BECAUSE OF THIS WOMEN IN OUR LIFE, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ONE WORD. MY STORY IS FAR WORSE THAN YOURS. SHE'S DEAD NOW AND OUT OF OUR LIVES AND MY WHOLE FAMILY LIVED HAPPY EVER AFTER ENJOYING MY BROTHER AND HIS KIDS. HE'S IN HIS 80'S NOW AND HE ALSO HAS FORGAVE HER. HE ALSO BELIEVES THAT IF HE DIDN'T FORGIVE GOD WOULDN'T FORGIVE HIM. HE MET HER IN GERMANY WHILE SERVING IN THE SERVICE. SHE WAS FINE TILL HER FEET HIT ON US SOIL. I'LL STOP RIGHT HERE. GRANNY .

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  8. You only put out their your side. Why didn't you tell the truth... Jeff's family did reach out and send birthday cards to Daniel and you returned them. You cut off ties with them. Daniel has the "gene"... you should pray he doesn't wind up just like his father. When he falls apart are you going to stick up for him as much as a parent would? Give it up already... the victim schtick!. it's old... your an evil bitch who still lives off off Jeff. Do you think that his family should have supported you financially? That's all you were looking for form him... you never loved him... you used him... and thought he was going to save you - you didn't know him when you married him after meeting on a divorce chat line... you kept blinders on. so you now blame his family... don't you think they hurt... their son died... when your son is old enough to start looking... he'll find the truth - that you are a complete victim and prey on the sympathies of anyone who will listen and that his family did reach out and you turned them away... not just today... but each time they sent cards and tried...remember... Daniel is Jeff's son and as such... his DNA... his genes...his disease... is inherited ... what comes around goes around... karma sure is a bitch.. just like you.

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  9. There is no person more important in a son's life than his mother.

    Mother knows best.

    And mother made her decision. Pray, if that's your coping mechanism of choice. But respect her decision as a parent and move on.

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    Replies
    1. And bravo, Amy. Hard choices suck. But as a parent, that's our job.

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