I never thought it would happen. Never.

You know, it's kind of funny. When I was kid, I loved to draw. Whenever I drew a house, it always looked the same - kind of like this...

I never claimed to be an artist.

Anyway, as The Dude and I have been out shopping for houses, we found one that we both like. A lot. And the funny thing is that it really kind of looks like the house that I always drew as a kid. Except it's straighter. And prettier. And has a front porch. And a hot tub. But I digress.....

We were shopping for houses with the knowledge that my credit wasn't quite where it needed to be yet. I've been working on it, but as anyone who has shoddy credit knows, it's a process. I have been working with an agency that has been busting their butts to get negative stuff removed for the past few months. We thought that I was where I needed to be a couple of months ago when my scores suddenly tanked. I was heartbroken. As it turned out, an old debt (to the tune of $3000+) that has been in collections for years - and that I have been faithfully making payments on for years - was sold to a new collection agency, who in turn started reporting it as new debt. It killed my credit.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago when I got a letter in the mail. It was from one of the credit reporting agencies. Nervously, I opened it. 

According to the letter, that particular negative piece of information was deleted from my credit report. Deleted. Thinking back to how much of a negative impact it had when it appeared, I wondered what kind of a positive impact it would have when it disappeared.

As the battle against this particular creditor was happening, I paid off my credit cards. I also paid off a couple of smaller debts with the agreement that those creditors would remove the negative information from my report. I also got the raise at work, and the Social Security that Daniel and I receive increased at the same time.

So on Friday, I was able to check my new and improved credit scores through an online deal that was set up by the credit-report-cleaner-upper-people (my official name for them). I already know that the numbers that I see are slightly higher than the official numbers, so when I saw on Friday that they were high enough, I anxiously contacted Mortgage Lady (also her official name). She was excited to hear the news, and we agreed to meet this morning.

Fast forward to about 2am today, when Daniel's official name changed to Sir Pukesalot. He kept that up for the rest of the night, but seemed to level out a bit. The Dude had planned to go and meet with Mortgage Lady with me, but because Daniel was so sick I emailed her and asked her to just pull my credit report without me and to call me, rather than run the risk of Daniel hurling in her office. The Dude came over and we waited by the phone. Finally she called.

It's official. My credit score is now high enough to qualify for a mortgage.

I started shaking and pacing around the house while I talked to her. I'm not officially pre-qualified for anything yet because there is still one account on my credit report that is showing as "in dispute" - so I have to contact all 3 agencies and tell them to remove that because nothing can happen while there is an active dispute. Minor detail, really. But qualifying for "our" house will not be an issue - and we can actually look at houses in a higher price range than I would have even thought possible.

I contacted the realtor who has been helping us, and "our" house is still on the market.

I am completely and totally overwhelmed right now. Just over 3 years ago, I was on the verge of being homeless. People were sending me money to try to help me save my old house, but it wasn't enough and it went into foreclosure and we were forced to move. We moved into this house only because I qualified for assistance at the time - but I had no idea how I was going to pay the rent when that assistance ended, which was only 3 months. Then my ex passed away and the Social Security started and through the emotional turmoil that followed, the bills started getting paid regularly. It was a horrible way to get the bills paid, but I did what I had to do with what I had - and it's led me to where I am today. Between the Social Security and the job - I will be able to own a house, and soon. 

Me. The same person who was days away from being homeless just 3 years ago - will be buying a house within the next few months.

It's crazy and mind boggling and overwhelming and exciting and scary and surreal, all at the same time. 

Where I am...

You may or may not have noticed, but I haven’t been around as much lately. Some might think that’s a good thing (ha) and some might be wondering what is happening.

There is so much going on in life right now. This job is kicking my butt. I know, I know – people work every day and it’s not that big of a deal. But face it – I’m not used to it. I didn’t work outside of the home for years and I was still busy every day. Now, I’m gone for roughly 45 hours every week – yet I still have the same amount of stuff to get done around the house. There’s still the same amount of laundry (if not more, thanks to my greasy work clothes) and the same amount of housework and the same amount of yardwork….. except now that all has to get crammed into the time that I have left.

The Dude helps with the stuff around the house when he can, but as of this week he is now working full-time as well. So now we both have crazy schedules and somehow we have to try to fit in time for us to be able to spend time together along with everything else that has to be done around here.

Fall sports have started, which for me means volleyball games every Thursday night. Emily has a tournament tomorrow morning that is being played about an hour from here, and could last all day long. The girls have practice every day after school, so on the days that they come back here they don’t get here until after 6:00pm. By the time we eat and do homework, we’re all so tired that we crash – and then have to get up early the next day and do it again.

I finally got a new phone the other night – but now that I did that, I no longer have my unlimited data plan, which is what I use to access the internet. We added a phone to my plan for The Dude so we share the (now) limited data – he doesn’t use much, but we have to be really careful about how much we use, or it’ll get really expensive, really quickly. So I’m just not online as much, unless I go to his apartment to use his computer or go to the library to enjoy some peace and quiet. While I’m not online as much, I’m working (still) on freeing up some space on this ancient machine so that it’ll hopefully run a little smoother.

So needless to say, I just won’t be around as much for a while until things calm down a bit. I’m looking into options for cheap home internet so that I don’t have to worry about the data usage on my phone as much, but honestly that’s not a high priority right now. We are still working on getting a house of our own, and that is taking longer than we had hoped – but with each month that passes, we are one step closer. My credit is *thisclose* to where it needs to be, and hopefully it’ll be over the top before the end of the year – and then we can actually start the purchasing process.

So many things that are changing in our lives right now – at times I sit back and think about all of it, and it can be a little overwhelming and chaotic and stressful to say the least. But I know that we’re moving in the right direction, and we’re going to just keep on going until we get to where we want to be. I know that we're going to get there - it's just going to be a little crazier than usual along the way.

I thought I could let it go....

....but I can't.

To put it mildly, I'm pissed. I mean it. Absolutely livid.

A couple of months ago, I went off on a little tirade about the Boy Scouts' ban on gay members. I got it out of my system, and life was good. I made the decision at that point to keep Alex in Scouts until after the vote on whether or not to lift the ban happened. Anyway, it was delayed, and from what I understand from our meeting tonight it will be held on Wednesday.

We didn't have a regular Scout meeting tonight. Instead, we had our committee meeting - the grown ups sit around and talk about boring stuff like finances and planning outings and stuff like that. The subject of the vote was brought up, as apparently there had been some question as to whether the church who charters our pack and troop would continue to charter it if the ban was to be lifted. We were informed that regardless of the vote, the church would continue to charter the Scouts. I was happy to hear this.

Now, at this committee meeting there were 5 or 6 other adults, plus me. Our leader was trying to plan things out for the next few months, and was informed by several of the other adults that they would be leaving the organization if the ban were to be lifted - which left the leader in a bit of a bind, because he can't plan any outings for the boys until he knows if he has any adults left or not.

Seriously?

(For the record, as if you didn't guess already, I informed the leader right then and there that if the ban is lifted, he can count on me to be more involved than ever before.)

OK. I understand that the Scouts is a Christian-based organization. I understand that it is a private organization and can make its own rules. I understand that when people joined, they knew about those rules (except for me, the clueless one) and they were ok with them.

Now the rules might be changing. So they want to leave. Keep in mind that BSA is not looking to change the rules for adult leaders - only for the kids.

So these adults, who are supposed to be role models for these young boys, are going to bolt straight out of the organization because they might have to be in the same room with a kid who is gay??? Really?

News flash: There are gay people everywhere. They're in the grocery stores and the libraries and the public pools and in schools and hospitals and banks and post offices and shopping malls and *gasp* maybe even working IN THE SAME OFFICE WITH YOU!!!! If they haven't turned you gay yet, what makes you think that they're out to do that to your kid too? If you are so worried about your kid being exposed to someone who is gay, then you'd better not ever allow that child out of your house. Really.

Look at these two images. Read them. These are pictures that I just took of Alex's Cub Scout Tiger Cub Handbook.

Where exactly does it say that the purpose of Cub Scouting is to shun someone who does something that you don't like? Where does it say that someone who is different than you doesn't belong in Scouts? Where does it say that a boy who is gay is not worthy of being a Scout?

It doesn't.

Character Development. Is there a better way to develop your child's character than to show him that it's ok if someone does something that you don't necessarily like? What is so wrong with teaching your son that it's ok to agree to disagree? Doesn't that build character?

Respectful relationships. A relationship doesn't only have to be between a man and a woman. It can be the relationship between a group of kids. There is a group of kids that I see playing together after school on a regular basis - just judging by appearances, there are girls, boys, blacks, whites, Hispanics, and even a little Muslim girl who all play together - and they are great friends. They are all so amazingly different from each other, but they respect each other's differences and have a great relationship with each other.

Values? They want to preach about values? Look at that list: Compassion. Courage. Honesty. Respect.

RESPECT.

Right there, in black and white. The eleventh Core Value in Cub Scouting.

Respect.

How in the hell can we teach our kids respect if we don't show that same respect to ALL other people?

Respect for kids shouldn't be selective. They're KIDS. Show them respect. Show adults respect (unless they give you a damned good reason not to do so).

Seriously people. Get over it. Yes, you have a right to your beliefs, just as I have a right to mine. You're not right and I'm not either. But as adults, we have the responsibility to be positive role models for all kids today. Do you want to teach them that it's ok to be close-minded and exclusionary, or do you want to teach them that it's ok to accept someone who is different from you? You can accept the person without accepting their beliefs.

Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum.

St. Augustine originally said that around the year 424, give or take. 

Know what that means?

Love the sinner, but hate the sin.

You don't have to agree with everything that everyone does. But learn to respect the fact that everyone is different.

It's a puzzle

This is what my brain feels like tonight.

I'm not sure what's going on with it. Maybe it's the fact that Christmas is over. Maybe it's the impending New Year. Maybe it's the full moon. Maybe it's a combination of a whole bunch of different things that are jumbled up in there.

All I know is that right now, my mind is going in eleventy bajillion different directions, and I can't seem to get it to slow down. I have so many things that I want to do in so many areas of my life, and I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed right now because all of those ideas are running around in a great big unorganized mess in my head.

Yes, I know I go through this every now and then. I think everyone does, whether they want to admit it or not.

It used to be that when I would get into these moods, I would either ignore them and drive myself nuttier than I already am, or I would just jump right into whatever crazy plan was rolling around in my head at that moment. Or worse yet, I would start all 87 plans that were in my head at the same time, and never finish any of them.

I'm going to do something different this time. I'm just going to let my brain go. I'm going to see what kind of crazy ideas develop. And I'm going to keep a notebook and a pen beside me and I'm going to write things down. And I'm going to figure out what it is that has me so restless right now. Maybe, just maybe, if I write everything down as it comes to me, I'll be able to get my thoughts organized. I'll be able to figure out what it is that I want to do vs. what I need to do. I can prioritize. And maybe I can actually feel like I can accomplish something instead of starting it and never getting it done.

I feel like so much is finally starting to fall into place in my life - I am so lucky and so blessed (that is a word that I don't toss around lightly, either) - maybe this is really the time for me to start focusing on some of the things that I want to do with my life. Maybe this is the time to start looking into how to turn my craft hobby into a legitimate business (one of the biggest things bouncing around in my head right now). Maybe this is the time to start looking for a part-time job to help supplement our income. Maybe this is the time to really start looking for a bigger house for us to move into in the next few months.

I'm not usually the type of person to do "resolutions" every year, but I'm starting to think that maybe this could be our year. I can finally say that I'm looking forward to the future instead of dreading it.

I'm ready to get the new year started.

First day, an interesting find, and more chaos...

So today was Alex and Daniel's first day of school. We managed to get up early enough for us to walk there, and they had a ball.

After I got them to school, I took The Dude to work and then went out to pick more sand plums. As soon as I got out of the van, I made an interesting discovery. I wasn't quite sure what it was at first, but it didn't take me long to figure it out.

It was a nest of turtle eggs. I don't know if something got into them and tore it apart, or if they hatched and couldn't handle the extreme heat and dryness or what. Either way, it's something that I have never seen before - and of course, I had to poke around in it and examine everything. Because I'm weird like that.

Thankfully (and I can laugh about this now) the dream that I had last night didn't come true while I was out there. The dream involved a rattlesnake, my arm, and an ambulance. But I survived. Needless to say, I was a little jumpier than usual out there, and kept making sure that I still had my phone in my pocket.

I could only pick for about an hour, and then I had to fly back to town to change my clothes and go pick Daniel up from school. I hadn't intended on jogging today, but I cut the time just a wee bit too close and had to do some to get to school on time. He only goes half days for the first few weeks, and then will eventually transition to full day kindergarten.

After Daniel and I got home, Emily and Jared arrived. Sarah stayed with her stepmother in order to go to volleyball practice. So I took the 3 kids and ran some errands, then we grabbed The Dude from work and took him home, and then we came home and then walked back up to the school to get Alex. We came back to the house for a little bit, and then I dropped all 3 boys off at The Dude's house so that he could keep an eye on them while Emily and I went to pick Sarah up from practice and attend the "parent meeting" that informed us just how incredibly chaotic our lives are going to be for the next few months until volleyball season ends. Then we came back to town, grabbed the boys from The Dude's house, came home, made supper, did baths....the boys are in bed and the girls are still up watching a movie - but they don't have school tomorrow so it's ok. I got the kitchen cleaned up a bit and then trashed it again to make yet another batch of strawberry jelly.....

And then grabbed a leftover piece of cold pizza around 10pm after I realized that I had forgotten to eat supper.

Just to make life interesting, Ex1 proposed a schedule change with the older 3 kids tonight. We've had the same arrangement for quite a while now - well over a year, and maybe even for a couple of years - and it's worked out for us. But, the change that he suggested really isn't bad and actually has some perks for both of us. I'm still rattling it around in my head to see if I think that it will work for us, but I think that it will. It'll involve a significant amount of white-out in my datebook though.

But for now, I'm going to go work on some more jelly in a desperate attempt to get the containers of strawberry juice out of my refrigerator - just in time to start working on more sandplum jelly.

That, however, will wait for a few days.

How things change

I'm just going to warn you now. This is going to be an "off" week for me. Honestly, I've been dreading this week for a while now, and now that it's here, I just want it to get over with and go away.

At the same time, I sat here just now and thought back to where I was a year ago. I was still driving the ever-so-glorious She-Beast (when she wasn't dead) and was constantly struggling to get through the day. I was barely making ends meet and was in constant danger of losing my utilities until I could get some steady income. My divorce was finally final and all I wanted to do was reclaim my life and move on, in any way possible. I had no idea how that was going to happen, but I know that I wanted it so badly that I could taste it.

Little did I know a year ago how much my life would change in the next 12 months. In one message consisting of only 4 words, my world would turn upside down. I would be on the verge of losing everything. I would lean on my friends in unimaginable ways. I would learn the true value of those friendships. I would lose loved ones but still see new life being brought into the world. I would try my hand at dating, only to fail miserably a few times before finally getting it right. Things would start to fall into place in so many ways. I would make an epic road trip to see friends, both new and old, and get to spend time with my family. I would see this piddly little blog grow from nothing to what it is today. I would gain new friends, lose old ones, and strengthen relationships that were damaged.

In short, it's been a crazy year. I'll touch on some things later this week, including some moments in my life that were devastating, thrilling, and one that always makes me reflect on where I've been and where I'm going. Things might get a little deeper than usual, but that's why I do what I do here - this isn't just a place for me to brag about my kids - it's also a place for reflection. I share some experiences in the hopes that they may help someone who has been in a similar place, not that I think that I'm an expert on anything, but sometimes just knowing that someone else has been there can be the catalyst for someone else's healing.

So, bear with me as I get through this week and the memories that are going to surface. Some of them are going to be painful, but I promise that they will be honest and I will not intentionally hurt anyone else with what I feel that I need to say. If I do, let's just discuss it rationally, ok?

With that being said, I hope that we can get into some good discussions this week - if you're not already following me on my facebook page, please come and join in the fun over there.