It's a good day for random thoughts...

...meaning that because I have so much on my mind right now, I can't narrow any of it down into a coherent post. So deal with it.

~ I want to go on our road trip. Now.

No, we're not flying. But I want to be travelling.

~ Planning to do a bunch of laundry when one has no laundry detergent is annoying.

~ Having the stuff on hand to make the laundry detergent without having to go to the store makes the aforementioned annoying situation slightly better.

~ Going through 3 boys' clothes to get rid of stuff is a time-consuming process, no matter how many times it's been done before.

~ I still find it funny that Alex (who is 5) hands clothes down to Jared (who is 7), who then passes them on to Daniel (who is 3).

~ Even after going through everything and putting together a big box of clothes to be donated, they still have way too much.

~ Even boys are fascinated by new clothes. Daniel has been obsessing about wearing a jacket that was in a box of hand-me-downs that we got the other day. He doesn't understand that a jacket is not necessary when it is 100 degrees outside. Silly boy!

~ The craving for Diet Pepsi increases as the quantity of cans of it in the fridge decreases. Makes rationing difficult, and I *don't* feel like going to the store tonight.

~ I think I might take the kids to the splash pad tomorrow. Hopefully it's not broken again.

~ Or we could go to the lake and go swimming. Hopefully we won't run into this guy again.

~ The more I crunch numbers for our upcoming road trip, the better I feel about it. We won't have any issue with the money that we NEED to travel. I just WANT to come up with some more so that we can do a few more things while we are on the road.

~ I foresee a SewingFest in my near future. Always a good way to make a few extra bucks.

~ I really wish that sleep was optional. I could get so much more done if I didn't waste so much time sleeping.

My babies are back!

I got to spend the day with ALL of my kids today - it was a wonderful day, interrupted by an occasional fist fight or screaming match (what else is new?) but all in all, it was nice to have them all home.

I managed to convince them to do some picking up in their rooms, and so once they had made some decent progress, we went to our new favorite place - Twisted Cow - for some yummy frozen yogurt!

It really hit the spot on yet another 100+ degree day.

Then I had a couple of extra kids for the evening, and after that I had to take my older 3 back to their father's house. They'll be back here again on Wednesday, and we'll be on our regular custody schedule at that point, so at least life will be a little bit more predictable.

On the way home from dropping them off, I managed to catch this shot. Still wish I had a better camera for night pictures, but you get the idea....

Now, it's back to the usual routine for me....I still have cleaning and laundry to do before I go to bed, not to mention a ton of reading to do on the auditions that have been submitted for Blogger Idol 2011 - the auditions that I have read so far are amazing, and judging all of them is going to be hard. But luckily I am teamed up with a panel of incredible bloggers for this first-time event.

I'm thinking that a pot of coffee might be in order.....

Happiness is....

....making it to church (almost) on time this morning.

....spending most of the afternoon fishing with good friends at our little bitty lake just outside of town.

....being able to be the rescuer for friends who were stranded with a broken-down vehicle, after the numerous times that I've had to be rescued myself.

....having all 5 of my kids under one roof again for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

....getting hugs and kisses from the kids as soon as they saw me when I picked them up from their father's house.

....hearing the older 3 kids recount every. single. second. of their vacation and seeing the excitement in their faces as they shared story after story.

....having 4 kids want to sleep in the same bed because they all missed each other so much.

....listening to the aforementioned 4 kids bickering because someone is hogging up all the space in the bed.

....looking around the house and surveying the damage done in the short amount of time that we've been home (less than an hour) but realizing that in the grand scheme of things, clutter and dirty laundry and empty Capri Sun packages are worth it to have my family back together again, even if it's only for a day.

The most terrifying thing in the world to me...

OK, confession time.

Conversations have come up recently on various blogs and facebook posts about things that people fear. Of course, there are the usual culprits - spiders, snakes, mice, bugs, dentists (oh, wait, that's one of mine), flying (also mine), crossing bridges, things like that.

But honestly, none of those things bother me that much in the grand scheme of things. (Well, maybe dentists...)

My biggest fear in the world is....

Ready?

Dating.

Yep. There you have it. I said it. And my skin immediately began to crawl. Literally. The little hairs on my arms are standing up on end from just thinking about it.

Ever since Ex2 and I split up over 2 years ago, people have asked me when I was going to start dating again. At first, it was easy to brush it off. I had too much drama in my life due to the separation from him, too many bills to pay, too much legal stuff to deal with, too many emotions related to the whole thing. My life was just too much.

But now, things have calmed down. A LOT. Mentally, I'm in a much better place. We are situated in our new home, ghetto-like as it may be. I have dependable wheels. Our financial situation has improved, and the bills are getting paid. I'm taking better care of myself, and I feel better about myself in general.

So why is dating so terrifying to me?

It's not that I haven't had the opportunity. I've gone out on several dates in the past few months. Most of the guys have been wonderful (well, there was that one, but we won't go there....) and they have treated me well. But then I freak out and I push them away. Why do I do this?

I admit, I'm independent. Maybe too independent. There aren't many things around the house that I can't do by myself. I don't "need" a man to help me mow the grass (well, except for today when the mower decided to take a dump and die in the middle of the back yard) or to replace a faulty light switch or to take out the trash. I can do all of that on my own.

I like being single. I like not having someone watching over my shoulder, criticizing me for every little thing that I might do wrong. I like being able to drink my Diet Pepsi straight out of the 2-liter bottle in the fridge with no one pestering me about it. I like being able to nuke a frozen meal for supper if I don't feel like cooking. I like being able to buy the food that *I* want to buy at the grocery store. I like being able to just pack up and go on a road trip with a girlfriend (or by myself) whenever I want to do it. I even like waking up alone, because I am NOT pleasant in the morning and the last thing I want to deal with when I first wake up is a morning person.

But at the same time, I hate being single. I hate that when I sit down to watch a late-night movie, the only guys that I generally have with me are Ben & Jerry (not that I don't love them, but you know what I mean). I hate falling asleep alone. I hate not having someone to keep the kids amused so that I can take a shower without having to be a referee for the fist fights that happen on the other side of the shower curtain. I hate that I can't keep up with my running/walking routine because I don't have someone who can watch the kids for me while I go. I really hate that I have to call 911 when I hear a noise that terrifies me because I don't have someone who can go out and check on it for me. I also really hate being the only single person out of my friends, and feeling like I stick out like a sore thumb at the few social gatherings that I attend.

My life finally feels good to me. I feel like I am at least somewhat in control of it. I feel like at this point in time, the kids and I are living in a drama-free bubble, and I like it. No, I love it. I am terrified of allowing someone else into our bubble, for fear that it may pop. But at the same time, I am afraid that if I continue to think like this, I may miss the chance to meet the man of my dreams (ok, even saying that makes me want to hurl, but it's true).

I am torn between just wanting to stay single for the rest of my life and wanting to be in a relationship. And really, it's not the relationship part that scares me the most - it's the dating that is necessary to get there. I've said it a million times, and I'll say it again: I suck at dating. Given my track record, as colorful as it is, I am afraid of meeting someone great and getting all goofy and happy about it, and then having it fall apart. Yes, I know, that's an inherent risk. But, damn, do I have to deal with that crap? And then there's the age-old question about when to introduce the hypothetical guy to the kids. And what guy in his right mind would even want to deal with a woman with 5 kids from 3 different fathers? I mean, really, my kids make me want to run away sometimes - how can I expect someone else to deal with them on a regular basis?

Previous men in my life have not been nice to me, to put it mildly. I have been called every name in the book. I have been embarrassed publicly by them, I have been insulted, I have been beaten down both physically and mentally, and I have been through hell. Not every man, mind you, but a large percentage of them have treated me like crap. Why would I want to put myself back into a position of vulnerability again?

Oh yeah, because one of these days, I'll find one that will treat me like I deserve to be treated. Or at least that's what people like to tell me.

Am I completely mental? OK, I know I am, but am I more mental than usual over this? Or is this normal? This is the longest that I have been single in *cough* probably 20 years *cough*. Is dating supposed to be this scary?

Seriously, I need input here.

Restlessness

I don't know what it is tonight....but I am so restless. I want to go somewhere, I want to do something, I want to ... to ... to GO. to DO. to BE.

You would think that after our marathon road trip last weekend I would just want to relax. But no...I can't stand when I get like this. I think maybe the trip to Texas just renewed the wanderlust that I generally manage to keep under wraps.

And, I haven't seen my 3 older kids for over a week now, and I probably won't see them until at least Monday. I'm going nuts without them here for this long.

I've been working on plans for our road trip to PA later this summer, and I think that's adding fuel to the fire. I want to get everything finalized and work out all of the financial stuff and know that 100% for sure we are going. There are a few potential hiccups, but even if they materialize, I can work around them.

I just want to be on the road. If things go as planned, we'll be leaving here on July 21. Say a few prayers, send happy thoughts, do whatever it is that you do to help us get this planned. I haven't been home for 2 years now, and it's been that long since I've seen my parents (which means it's been that long since my kids have seen their grandparents). We have plans to do a few other things along the way, including spending a day or two in Washington, DC and a few days in the town where I grew up, amongst other fun stuff.

I want to go. Now.

A little bit of randomness....

I am always amused by what I find when I pick up my camera. I have a very bad habit of leaving it out where the kids can get to it, and Alex especially loves to take pictures. Of himself. Or his nostrils.

Sometimes he takes a picture of someone else....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Then of course, when I need the camera for something....like, oh, a brown recluse in my kitchen sink:

...I end up having to search for it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And for the final bit of randomness tonight...

As much as I dislike this house and its location, sometimes it's really fun to just walk to the grocery store to get something for supper...

Yes, Alex dressed himself this morning. I take no responsibility for the shorts that are almost big enough for me to wear, or the socks/crocs combo. He's rockin' out his own style today.

Another day of non-stop running

I didn't have much of anything planned today, but then of course, that all fell apart. Not that I'm complaining - I don't know what to do with myself when I don't have anything to do!

We started out by having to go sign some paperwork for Daniel's preschool at 1:00. That took just a couple of minutes, and then we had to get him to the ENT for a follow-up appointment from the surgery that he had about a year ago. Everything looks good at this point, and we don't have to go back again unless the need arises. Yay!

Power lunch for me....

Then we ran to Wichita so that I could see my boyfriend's car....OK, OK, I've been confusing people with that all day today - he's not really my boyfriend, or maybe he is and he just doesn't know it yet, but anyway, here's his car....

Photography by Alex....

After we got done there, we headed back down to Perry, OK to meet Kelly and swap some stuff that we had from the trip. She had one of my car seats and I had a box that Big Alex bought for her, along with a phone charger and a few other odds & ends.

Didn't I just pass this sign a few days ago...?

After we swapped our stuff, we headed back to Wichita and then went east a bit to pick up some boxes of hand-me-downs from a friend and then came home.

I still have to finish putting vacation stuff away, and just clean the house in general. I have so much catching up to do just in the blogosphere that I could probably sit on this computer all night! For you bloggers that I follow, be patient with me - it might take me a few days to get totally caught up, but I will soon! And I know that I have a bunch of comments on my blog to answer as well.

Now, it's time to put 2 little boys to bed so that I can accomplish something!!!!