Why do I push?

I spent pretty much the entire day outside cutting firewood and cleaning up the corner of the yard and the firepit area. The general firewood area has needed to be cleaned up for a while, but the firepit area really needed it after I tore down the fence the other day - since I just chucked all of the old fence over the remaining fence into that area rather than dragging it all the way around and into the gate.

I got to work early this morning and started knocking stuff out fairly quickly. But as time went on, I started to get tired. After tearing part of the fence down two days ago, and tearing the old gate down yesterday, my body was just tired.

I stopped occasionally to catch my breath and move into the shade, and I'd occasionally check the notifications on my phone. There were a couple of notifications on the pictures that I had posted of the work that I've done, and there were some comments that were complimenting me on what I've accomplished.

In typical brain dump fashion, my thoughts started to go in a few different directions. I started thinking about different reactions that I've gotten to various accomplishments that I've posted about in the past. Everything from variations of "good job" to "you've inspired me because...." Those thoughts made me start thinking about why I post these kind of things.

It's not for attention. It's not for the virtual pats on the back. It's not to brag or to show off or to gloat or anything like that. Honestly, it's not for me at all.

Every now and then, I get a message from someone who says "I've felt so hopeless because of my situation, but then I see what you can accomplish and I know that you've been in my shoes and so if you can do it, so can I".

That is why I do it. That is why I post the things that I do.

For the person who has hit rock bottom and doesn't know it it's possible to get back up again.

For the person who is so broke that pennies found on the ground are hoarded like gold coins.

For the person who has gotten smacked around by an alcoholic partner one too many times.

For the person who battles depression and struggles to get out of bed and function.

For the person whose kids have said "I don't like you right now, so I'm moving out for a while."

For the person who is struggling in any way.

If by some chance, someone is inspired by the things that I do and post, then that is all that I need. That makes all of this work - and blogging about it - worth it. And it gives me a reason to get the work done - the inspiration that people get from looking at my work inspires me to do even more.

Pay it forward, one positive thought at a time.

If I can do it, anyone can.

At a loss.

I just don't know that I can say much more than I already said.

I don't know what else to say. This one ...... this one is bothering me more than some of the other recent tragedies for some reason. Maybe because I have 2 races scheduled in the next 3 weeks. Maybe because a little boy the same age as Jared was killed. Maybe because part of Daniel's biological family lives in the Boston area.

We all deal with tragedy in different ways. Some of us sit, glued to the television or the computer, waiting for every report, every picture, every video. Some of us ignore it. Some of us pray, or cry, or scream, or laugh. Some of us post inspirational sayings or memes, or change our profile pictures, or join online movements or groups to show our support to the victims.

I don't know what I'm doing yet. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I do know that when I have a few moments tomorrow I'm going to run a huge bag of clothes to a local charity that gives them away for free so that others can get some use out of them. And I'm going to wear a t-shirt from one of the races that I've done in the past. Neither one of these motions will change anything - nothing can change what happened. Nothing can bring back the lives that were lost today. Maybe donating those clothes will make someone else's life easier. Wearing a race t-shirt shows my support for the running community as we all try to understand what happened today.

We can't all be there on the scene to physically help, and we can't all afford to send donations. But we can all do something on a local level, no matter how small - and that something has the potential to have a positive impact on someone else's life.

Something horrible happened today - but we can make positive things come out of it.

We need to turn it around...

I went into the beginning of this new year full of hope and excitement. I really do think that there are going to be some wonderful things happening for me and my family this year. I was anxious to get this year started for so many positive reasons.

But then the new year started - and it didn't start well at all.

I found out on the second day of the year that one of my friends was going through a personal hell, and as a mother, it hit home for me.

On the third day, we got more devastating news that again, hit me so incredibly hard.

The Dude has been having problems with his truck. My "service engine" light was on. He has to get two teeth pulled tomorrow afternoon.

It just hasn't been a stellar start to the year. But at the same time I know that it could always be worse.

We spent part of the afternoon today working on his truck. Although we didn't get it fixed, we have now narrowed down the problem and are about 98% sure that we know what's wrong with it. He can drive it for now, for short distances, but it needs to be fixed. Of course that doesn't come for free, but we can get it taken care of in the next couple of weeks.

My "service engine" light? I had a sneaking suspicion desperate hope that it was something stupid - and it was. Turns out the gas cap wasn't on tight enough to make it happy. Stupid thing. But the light's off now, so it's good.

Tonight, however.....tonight was hard. As I mentioned the other day, a little boy who was the son of one of Sarah's mentors was killed in a horrible accident last week. As a mother, I can't even begin to imagine the impact of losing a child. I just can't wrap my head around it. After the kids got home from school and basketball practice tonight, Sarah announced that she wanted to go to the boy's viewing. I wasn't sure that it was a good idea, but she and I talked about it and she really wanted to go. I told her she would have to check with her father, since she was supposed to go to church with him tonight. He agreed that she could go, but only if I went with her. So plans quickly changed, Ex1 came and got Emily and Jared, I took Alex and Daniel over to The Dude's house, and Sarah and I went to the viewing.

It was so hard. So incredibly hard. Seeing the little boy's parents and sisters there, and the other mourners...looking at the pictures and the videos from his short little life....my heart shattered so many times tonight. Seeing the pain in his mother's eyes as she hugged me and thanked me for coming....I have tears running down my face as I'm typing this.

All I've been able to think for the past few days is "something's got to give" - there has been too much bad stuff to start off a new year. Way too much. It needs to change, and somehow we need to turn it around. So I started thinking - always dangerous for me to do.

Tomorrow, January 10, 2013 is my 2 year blogiversary. It's been 2 years since I started this crazy thing.  And Sunday, January 13, is both my 42nd birthday and the 2nd anniversary of the day that my 2nd divorce became final.

I need to celebrate. I want to celebrate. I want to be happy. While I can't forget about the bad stuff, I can't focus on it - and I don't want anyone else to focus on the bad stuff either.

So what do we do?

I know what I'm going to do. I've always been a huge fan of the "Pay it Forward" movement (as is my good friend over at Mom-troversial) and I'm going to start making a really conscious effort to pay it forward as much as I can and in as many ways as I can. I have a pile of stuff sitting by my front door already that needs to be donated - and it's going to go out this week. We have toys that the kids have outgrown or they don't like or whatever. Guess what? They're going out the door too.

I've made up my mind that I am going to do as much as I can for two of my favorite local organizations too - our homeless shelter and our women's safe house. I have my own personal reasons for choosing those two in particular, but they're going to be getting some of my time, my money, and any of my "stuff" that they can use.

So - for my blogiversary and for my birthday, this is the best gift that anyone could give to me (*cough* along with a pair of warm fuzzy slippers so that I don't have to keep wearing The Dude's that are 18 sizes too big for me *cough*). Go out and do something for someone. Donate something somewhere. Be nice to someone. Donate something that you don't need anymore instead of selling it. Volunteer your time. If you have the cash, make a donation to a local organization that needs it. There are so many ways that we can make someone else's life just a little bit easier, but we overlook those things so often in our hurry to deal with our own lives. Pay it forward, people. Please.

So go and do it, and tell me what you did. Leave it in a comment here, post it on my facebook wall, send me an email, whatever. Tell the world that you did it, and maybe you'll inspire someone else to do the same thing.

Pool party....sunset....and other stuff.

The kids were all in a summer reading program through our local library, and for finishing all of the requirements for that, they earned tickets to go to a pool party last night.

Unfortunately, although Jared earned the ticket, he couldn't go. Remember the other day when we all went plum picking? Somehow he apparently managed to find a patch of poison ivy. And apparently he lifted his shirt and rolled around in it. OK, maybe not, but that's what it looks like. He's miserable, and he's covered in the stuff, so he didn't get to go swimming.

That's Emily coming down the slide.

Wow. They're actually getting along with each other.

Alex got 2 nosebleeds - one as soon as we walked in, and one as soon as his feet touched the water. The lifeguards felt bad for him and gave him a snowcone. :)

They love this frog slide.

And then of course, I had to start playing with the effects on my phone...

When we got done at the pool party, I had to take the girls back over to Ex1's house. On the way back, the sunset was gorgeous - so I couldn't resist taking pictures. And of course, I had to play with the effects on my phone again. Hey, it was a dirt road with no traffic - I wasn't being stupid.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Now, the other stuff.

I feel weird even talking about this. I've vented already about the situation with my van. I looked at a couple of other options today - the garage that I usually go to used to be able to do payment arrangements - but they don't anymore. And they used to have a credit card deal for big repairs - well, they still do, but again, my credit wasn't good enough to get it. So while I was using The Dude's van to take his mother to the doctor, he and a friend of ours went down to the dealership and towed my van back home. So it's sitting in my backyard again, just waiting for a new transmission.

I've had a bunch of people who have asked how they can help. And this is hard for me, because I don't like to ask for help. Not for me, anyway. I can ask for help for other people all day long, but I don't like to do it for myself. I look at it as "I got myself into this mess and I can get myself out of it".

But frankly, I'm kind of stuck right now. School starts in just over 2 weeks. I have to run kids back and forth every day. I can walk Alex and Daniel to school (especially since they'll be in the same building this year *happy dance*) but the older 3 go to school 13 miles from here. The Dude just started a new job, and he needs to get back and forth to work. It's going to be too much for both of us to handle with only one vehicle. Add to that the fact that my van isn't even paid off yet, and you'll see some of my frustration. I have no choice but to fix it.

The good news is this though...my garage gave me a better estimate than the dealership (go figure). And just to prove it....(Sorry, but I blocked out the identifying stuff. I might not be totally anonymous, but I'm not going to just hand out all of my personal info, you know?)

This is a local garage, who I trust. They've done 95% of the work on my vehicles over the past 8-ish years and I've never had a problem with them so I feel confident going there. Plus, they're local - so if there's an issue, it'll be easy to get it back there to get it fixed again.

Anyway, like I said, people have asked how they can help. If you want to throw a few bucks into the "Transmission Fund" you can send it via PayPal to non-stopmom(at)hotmail(dot)com.

And before anyone says that I'm looking for a handout - oh hell, if you're going to say it, just say it. I can't change your opinion of me. Just know that I am doing everything in my power to get the money myself. I have a few odd jobs lined up and I'll be selling anything that I can sell and taking orders for stuff and going through all of my junk to see what can be sold at a friend's garage sale in 2 weeks. I'm doing what I can, and honestly, if this had happened at the beginning of the summer, I wouldn't be so stressed - but with school starting, the pressure is mounting.

So if you want to help, great. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I honestly do, and I appreciate it.

If you can't help, that's ok. I understand. Honestly, I do.

And if you think that I'm a worthless piece of trash for even putting this out there, that's ok too. I've been called worse. Really.

Just know that I will continue to pay it forward, in any way that I possibly can.