Keyboard Warriors

So last night, that silly Tooth Fairy letter resurfaced in a really big way. A page on facebook with almost 4 million fans posted it, but of course - without the backstory. Without a link back to my page or my blog. Without my permission.

It happens all the time. All the time. I should be used to it by now, and for the most part I do ignore it. I'll read a few comments, throw the link to my blog up there, and let it go.

This time was different. This time, the comments were mean. Hateful. Judgmental. Way worse than usual. Sure, there were a few positive ones, but they were quickly buried under the ones touting my inept parenting skills.

Of course, since the letter wasn't credited to me, people didn't know who they were insulting. They sat there behind their keyboards, casting stones at someone who wrote a letter to an 11 year old girl as a joke. Even after they read the blog post, they continued.

Emotional violence. She should be ashamed. What a horrible mother. That woman doesn't even deserve to have her kids. She should take parenting classes.

The ones that hurt the most were the ones who insinuated that I was a horrible person for raising my kids in a broken home:

(This thread of comments on the post has since been deleted. I think.)

Broken home. No father figure.

The last thing that I ever wanted was for my family to not be "normal" with a mother and father and kids. I never planned to get divorced, and certainly didn't plan to do it twice. I fought like hell to keep it together, to keep it from being broken, and so I stayed.

But staying wasn't worth it. Staying wasn't safe, for me or for the kids. We had to get out. I had to "break" our home in order to keep them safe. I had to get them away from the violence.

Yes, we lived in an "icky" house for 3 1/2 years. But that icky house meant more to me than just about any other place we've lived. I learned more about myself in that house than ever before.

I know that the hate and the judgment and the Mommy Wars will never stop. As long as there is an internet, there will be keyboard warriors who get their panties in a wad and think that they are better than everyone else and believe that they are entitled to pass judgment on other people without knowing the background. It's never going to stop.

I tell my kids all the time - you can't stop other people from being jerks, but you can certainly control your own reaction to it.

Same thing applies to adults. Don't feed into the anger or the hate or the judgment - it's not worth it.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of the same thing.

Home

Today has been a good day.

The boys and I got up and took The Dude's truck to go back to town and swap it out to get my Traverse back from him after his road trip yesterday. I didn't expect him to be up and moving after driving for almost 24 hours straight, but he was - so we snatched him up to run some errands. Before we left his parking lot, his landlord - who was my property manager at the ghetto-esque house - caught me to finally give me the last of my security deposit back and so we chatted with him for a while. He took us to a vacant apartment to look at some furniture that I am most likely going to try to buy, and then he went back to his office and The Dude went with us to run errands.

We went to the bank and to the car wash to get rid of the skunk smell in the Traverse and then stopped for lunch and had some amazing Mediterranean food (shawarma, anyone?) and then took The Dude back home, and then the boys and I went to WalHell to get a few things before we came back home.

Home.

Once we got back, I started working on bikes. I worked on putting a new rack on the back of my bike so that I don't have to stick stuff in a backpack every time we go somewhere. But, I needed a bigger allen wrench for it, so we hopped on the bikes and rode over to the hardware store to get one. Then we came back home.

Home.

Once we got back here, I got the tube and tire changed on Alex's wheel, and we put it on my new rack on my bike and rode over to the convenience store to air it up before we came back home to put it on his bike.

Home.

I got the wheel put back on his bike, and tightened up the handlebars on the 'spare' bike that he had been using while his tire was flat and then we came inside for a while. I did a few things around the house and grabbed something to eat before I headed back outside to the firepit/shed area to do some work. Several hours later, I felt like I had made enough progress - and suffered enough mosquito bites - that I could quit and come inside.

While I was outside working, at least 90% of the traffic that went by was either combines, grain trucks, or other harvest equipment. The drivers were all up high enough that they could look over the fence where I was working and almost all of them smiled and waved - a normal occurrence around here. It made me so grateful that I live here now, instead of in the city where no one would even look someone else in the eye.

Home.

After I came inside and showered some of the filth off of me, I sat down and played around online and watched a movie for a bit. After a while, I got up to do a couple of little things and as I walked around the house, it kind of hit me again.

Home.

It's crazy. I still can't believe that somehow *I* managed to buy a house. Not just any house, but a really cool, really big, really awesome house. It's mine.

It's still surreal. Unbelievable.

In a way, I'm still waiting for the bank to call me and say "Oh, you thought you were buying that house? Hahahaha, joke's on you, sister! There's no way we're going to let that happen! Bring the keys back immediately!"

OK, I know that's not going to happen....but in a way it wouldn't surprise me if it did. I still wait for the proverbial shoe to drop, because that's what has always happened.

But it's not going to happen this time. It is what it is. It's mine. The house is mine.

It's our home.

At some point, it'll sink in and seem real, right?

My advice to divorced parents

This is something that's been rattling around in my head all day. I've had people over the past few years comment about how well Ex1 and I get along, and at times I have wanted to laugh at them. It's no secret that he and I don't like each other a whole lot, but we have both really grown up and we have gotten to the point that no matter how we feel about each other, the kids come first. As the kids get older, more and different situations present themselves, and we often find that we have to figure out a new way to deal with each other in order to look out for the best interests of the kids.

I wrote this from the point of view of a divorced parent, but I think it can apply to most single parenting situations - divorced, separated, never married and now broken up, whatever. This is what I have learned after going through 2 divorces and having a child with a guy who I didn't marry - needless to say, I've learned a few things from my experiences, and if those things can help someone else in a similar situation, it's worth taking the time to type it out for you to read.

Granted, this most likely will not apply to situations that involved abuse. I'm not even going there.

My advice (in no particular order):

1. Be nice to each other. You don't have to like each other. You don't have to be friends. But you have to be nice. "Please" and "thank you" go a long way with an ex. Courtesy is a wonderful thing - and remember, chances are that the kids are watching and/or listening. What do you want them to see or hear?

2. Don't turn the divorce into the kids' problem - it's yours. Divorces can be ugly and expensive. They can create all kinds of stress that aren't always at the forefront of people's minds. Legal fees, meetings with attorneys and mediators, arguing over who is going to get the coffee table - it all creates deeper issues. Legal appointments might mean missed school functions. Divorce expenses mean less money to take care of the kids. Taking material possessions from the other spouse simply for the sake of taking them does nothing but create added stress on the person who now has to pay to replace them - again, taking money away from what is important.

Don't tell your child "well if it wasn't for the divorce, we'd be able to _____." No. Don't do it. Kids focus on things like that like you would not believe. Be creative if you have to in order to not blame things on "the divorce". The kids will resent "the divorce" more and more over time, and then the "why don't you just get back together?" questions will start. And trust me, those are hard to answer.

3. Support each other. Again, you don't have to like each other. But you've got to support each other when it comes to the kids. The kids are the important ones here - not you. If your ex has the kids and is sick, offer to take them until the 'bug' is gone. Switch a few days around in the schedule. The kids don't need to be around someone who is sick unless there is no other option - and you need to step up and do your part to help. On the flip side, if you have to be out of town for a few days for whatever reason, ask your ex to keep the kids instead of sending them somewhere else. It's common courtesy, it's respectful, and the kids deserve to be with their other parent just as the other parent deserves to have some extra time with the kids.

4. Show a united front. Talk to your ex about how you are going to explain the divorce to the kids. Make sure you're both saying the same thing, even if it's a cover story. Chances are that the kids don't need to know all of the details, so rather than giving two totally different versions, figure out to say when the questions are asked. "Mom and Dad were having trouble getting along with each other, and we decided that it's best for us to not be married anymore. But no matter what, remember that we both love you very much and that will never change" is a nice vague one that can be customized - it doesn't point fingers in one direction or the other, it doesn't say that it was Mom's choice or Dad's choice, it doesn't blame the children, and it reassures them that they are still loved.

5. Attend parent/teacher conferences together. You have no idea how important this is. Divorced parents walking into a conference together shows a united front, not just to the kids but to the teachers as well. It shows the school that yes, you are both involved parents and you are both concerned for your child's social and academic growth. You both get to hear the same thing at the same time so there is no confusion on your part OR on the teacher's part. Neither one of you is more important or has more say than the other. Make sure that you explain your custody situation to the school so that they are aware of who they can call in an emergency. You are a team, and you are there to support your child. Period.

6. Keep track of the good things your ex does. It is so easy to fall into the trap of documenting every wrong action committed by your ex. If you look hard enough, you can find something wrong on a daily basis. But you know what's really more important in the grand scheme of things? Focus on what your ex does right. Focus on the strengths, on the good things, on the positive effect that your ex has on the kids' lives.

7. Communicate. You have to talk to each other. Find a way that works the best for both of you. For some parents, it's face to face. For some it's email or texting. But find a way that works. Talk about what is going on in the kids' lives when the ex isn't around. You don't realize it, but little things that happen at your house can affect what happens at your ex's house - and the only way to truly understand everything that your child is going through is to talk to each other about it. If you can do it, try to sit down together with your kids on a regular basis and talk to them - as a family. Just because you aren't married anymore doesn't mean that you're no longer family - because as long as those kids exist, you are connected, like it or not.

8. Tell your family and friends what you expect of them. Explain to your family and friends that you expect that they will treat your ex with respect, regardless of their personal feelings. Chances are that your kids will be around these people, and not everyone is smart enough to keep their opinions to themselves when little ears are present. The kids don't need to hear Uncle Jake talking about what a deadbeat their dad is or to see an old family friend giving Mom the cold shoulder in public. You are capable of acting like a grown up, and you should expect that from other people in the kids' lives as well. It's not about them - it's about the kids.

9.  Be flexible. Chances are that a custody schedule will be put on paper. Follow it as much as you can, because the consistency will help the kids to adapt to the new normal. But at the same time, be willing to be flexible. If your ex has family visiting from out of state and it's your weekend, let the kids go see their relatives. It might be the last time that they'll get to have that visit for a while. If it's your ex's holiday and you have the opportunity to take a once-in-a-lifetime vacation somewhere with the kids, try to compromise. As parents, we often feel as though we are "losing out on our time" with the kids, but we need to look at the bigger picture - do you really want your kids to miss a rare visit with Aunt Bertha just because it's your weekend?

10. Always remember - THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. The moment that you have kids, your life stops being all about you. No matter what your ex did to you (or vice versa) that led to the divorce, no matter how angry you are, no matter how hurt you are - it's not about you. You have to keep your eye on what is really important - and in the grand scheme of things, it's not you. It's the kids. Everything that you do will affect them in some way. You might think that a silly argument with your ex about a coffee table isn't that big of a deal - but what you don't see is that your ex might be drowning in stress and the stupid coffee table argument caused the kids to have to deal with an even more stressed out and angry parent that night at supper.

The bottom line is this: The kids come first. You don't. Remember that, and you'll be in good shape.

Too many kids are hurting

My kids love popcorn. It's one of the few snacks that they can all agree to eat without bickering (unless you count the arguments about who has more).

Unfortunately, when it comes to eating it, they are pigs.

I'm not sure how much they eat, and how much gets thrown on the floor.

But they love it.

I went on a cleaning spree today. Not just the popcorn, but the entire living room and the kitchen. It's amazing how much more motivated I am to clean while they're at school and the place has at least a fighting chance to stay clean for a couple of hours.

My house is fairly clean right now - if you don't count the laundry that just. never. ends.

Of course, while I was cleaning, I was also reading the news online, and then I took the time tonight to watch the Jerry Sandusky interview on Rock Center.

I thought about all of the kids that I heard about on the news, just tonight.

The 8 (or more) who were allegedly abused by Sandusky.

The 9 kids in Wichita whose mother was shot and killed by her husband just a few nights ago. Three of her children witnessed their mother's murder.

A 10 year old girl in Illinois who committed suicide because she was being bullied.

Five boys who were allegedly molested at a summer camp at The Citadel.

When does it end?

How do we protect our kids?

Short of raising them in a bubble and never allowing them out of our sight, how do we keep them safe?

What can we as parents, aunts, uncles, older siblings, adult friends, mentors - do to help our kids?

We think that our kids are safe - that nothing will happen to them. I mean really, those kind of things don't happen to people like us, do they?

The truth is - it can happen to anyone. It's gotten to the point that I worry about sending my kids anywhere. Anywhere. I occasionally will allow the girls to run to the store across the street to grab a movie from the Redbox or to get a dozen eggs or a gallon of milk - but I watch out the window the entire time until I see them coming back. I won't let them go alone - they have to go together. Realistically, where we live, they're probably safe. But you never know.

I've talked to the kids - especially the girls - about what to do if a situation comes up that scares them. They know to run and kick and scream and fight and bite and do anything that they have to do to get away from an attacker. I've drilled my address and phone number into all of their heads so that they can recite it at a moment's notice if needed.

But it's not enough. I know that it's not enough. I don't want them to be afraid to be kids. I want them to enjoy their childhood like I did. But I grew up in a different time and in a different place - a much more rural place where every house in the area had kids living in it, and everyone's parents watched out for all of the kids without even thinking about it. We didn't think twice about heading out of the house right after breakfast and being gone all day, because we would eat lunch at someone's house on a quick break from playing outside and then be back at our own houses before dinner. After dinner, everyone in the neighborhood gathered on our patio to shoot the breeze until long after the sun went down. It was an idyllic life back then.

I want that for my kids, but it's not going to happen in this day and age. Now, we have to warn our kids about sexual predators and kidnappers instead of snakes and poison ivy.

When did this happen? When did the world go to crap? And what can we do to stop it?