It happens all the time. All the time. I should be used to it by now, and for the most part I do ignore it. I'll read a few comments, throw the link to my blog up there, and let it go.
This time was different. This time, the comments were mean. Hateful. Judgmental. Way worse than usual. Sure, there were a few positive ones, but they were quickly buried under the ones touting my inept parenting skills.
Of course, since the letter wasn't credited to me, people didn't know who they were insulting. They sat there behind their keyboards, casting stones at someone who wrote a letter to an 11 year old girl as a joke. Even after they read the blog post, they continued.
Emotional violence. She should be ashamed. What a horrible mother. That woman doesn't even deserve to have her kids. She should take parenting classes.
The ones that hurt the most were the ones who insinuated that I was a horrible person for raising my kids in a broken home:
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| (This thread of comments on the post has since been deleted. I think.) |
Broken home. No father figure.
The last thing that I ever wanted was for my family to not be "normal" with a mother and father and kids. I never planned to get divorced, and certainly didn't plan to do it twice. I fought like hell to keep it together, to keep it from being broken, and so I stayed.
But staying wasn't worth it. Staying wasn't safe, for me or for the kids. We had to get out. I had to "break" our home in order to keep them safe. I had to get them away from the violence.
Yes, we lived in an "icky" house for 3 1/2 years. But that icky house meant more to me than just about any other place we've lived. I learned more about myself in that house than ever before.
I know that the hate and the judgment and the Mommy Wars will never stop. As long as there is an internet, there will be keyboard warriors who get their panties in a wad and think that they are better than everyone else and believe that they are entitled to pass judgment on other people without knowing the background. It's never going to stop.
I tell my kids all the time - you can't stop other people from being jerks, but you can certainly control your own reaction to it.
Same thing applies to adults. Don't feed into the anger or the hate or the judgment - it's not worth it.
Sometimes I need to remind myself of the same thing.
You are a kick ass Mom. Adults are just big mean kids. You encourage me to be a better Mom. Thank you! Lots of love!
ReplyDeleteSadly it's easier to be mean than to be kind especially when it comes to mothers judging other mothers. You're showing your children what it means to be strong. And honestly, I haven't read the tooth fairy post (and I'll try and track it down) but if people saw some of the stuff I've pulled in my house teasing my kids about the tooth fairy, Santa, and the Easter bunny, they wouldn't just be throwing stones at me, they'd be looking for a boulder to crush me with. Rock on sister!
ReplyDeleteI'm SO sorry you had to endure that. I've started a campaign called Mommitment (mom + commitment) and petition with the purpose of taking a stand against this type of yuck. It's been taking off, and many women are coming forward to support it!! If each of us make it clear we're not going to participate in this awfulness, my hope it is will lose some of its power. Please check it out! I would LOVE to get a post from you with a mommitment to continue to show grace and compassion the way you clearly do, even when met with... this. <3
ReplyDeleteHere's the petition: https://www.change.org/p/moms-make-a-mommitment
Let me know if you're interested in joining the movement!! julieATnextlifenokidsDOTcom :)
I was just about to share this with Julie up there so she could read it. I see she beat me to it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had to read all of those horrible assumptions and nasty comments about yourself. Just remember, those who judge you either A) have never felt the pain of struggle or B) are simply projecting their own insecurities on you in a desperate attempt to latch onto a situation they perceive as worse than their own and a way to make themselves feel better.
The irony is, someone who has had an easy life and stands tall above us that haven't, casting down their judgment, have nowhere near the strength and perseverance. They will never know the struggles, nor do they care to most likely.
It's a shame, though, that they don't stop and realized their hurtful comments aren't quite so anonymous and they do not fall into hyperspace without touching another human being.
You might have had an "icky" house, but you had a house for your children. They may have stuff all over it, but they have stuff. Just be proud. You and your children have what they need the most. Each other. Those same people making rude comments about you are probably the same people that only read part of a passage in the bible to meet their own needs. Let it go and continue to blog non-stop! =)
ReplyDeleteWhat a terrible thing for people to do. I am sorry. Sorry for the ridiculous judgements you have endured. Sorry for the ones we have all endured and even sorry for the few times in my youth when I may have been a part of judging others harshly with no experience of my own. After all I have been through, I learned my lessons the hard way. I appreciate you and your blog and your candidness. I know I can't unsay what others have said, but maybe I can counter it by telling you I think you are an awesome mom, a strong woman, and a great example.
ReplyDeletePeople have "internet balls" - and say a lot of hurtful things.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had to go through with that - - again.
Damned Tooth Fairy letter. My friend, you do not owe anyone any explanations. Those strangers have approx 5% of the info they would need to form an intelligent opinion about your parenting. And it would sill be just an opinion. So their opinions don't count! They are worth nothing, of no (zero) value.
ReplyDeleteYou wouldn't value information from your TV weather person if you found out they quit school in the 5th grade, would you? Well those commenters effectively quit "The School of Amy" very early because they know nothing about you on which to base their 2 cents worth of opinion on.
And I think we all know that judging anyone or anything solely on looks is vain and superficial. I never thought your old house was "icky". What an awful thing to say! That house saved you. And you saved it. You fixed it up cute and gave it the TLC it needed. It returned the favor by turning into a real home instead of house, filled up with love and a loving family working together to make a better life. Isn't that The American Dream? The Dude just completed the picture. BTW weren't all those hapless unknowing commenters online the whole time reading and writing? Xoxox. You, The Dude and your beautiful children make one of the most whole and happy families I have ever known.
Good for you! I hate the "parent shamers" who assume they are better than you in anyway. We are all individuals and everyone's journey is different. Be positive! Be encouraging! That takes 10 times the bravery that being negative and judging others does. Congrats to you for giving your kids rules and limits. That is part of being an effective parent.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all - KUDOS to you for using a creative way to express to your child that you were fed up with the state of her room. Having 2 girls in one room myself, the struggle is real, because you can't just get on one of them and say "Clean your room or else."
ReplyDelete"Emotional Violence" - being in a loveless marriage is a special kind of emotional violence that some women are fortunate enough to have never experienced. Lucky them, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Parenting Classes - been there done that, they would likely applaud your creativity and encourage you to continue to bond with your children in such a constructive, non-abusive fashion.
Broken Home - If only society wasn't so determined to make everyone fit into perfect little cookie cutter houses - any one remember The Stepford Wives, possibly the scariest movie ever.
"Icky" - how old are we - 2 - let me just say, your girls were sharing a much larger room than mine do. You have to get creative when kids share rooms, which you have clearly embraced!
"Clean your DAMN house" - Really they stand in judgment on you and can't do it without swearing. Do they kiss their Mother with that mouth. You're living a real life with real responsibilities. Sometimes the rule of thumb is "better than it was" for those of us living in the real world.
You fought to keep your traditional family together - I hear that, but children deserve to know that adult life can include fulfillment and happiness. If you and your husband couldn't find that together, despite efforts, then you owe it to your children to find it on your own.
As for your time spent on the internet, every one deserves a little "ME" time. A single mom with 5 kids could become very dysfunctional very quickly if she doesn't get some down time. If this blog helps you cope, grow, and/or decompress - charge on. Plus you have clearly included your children in the experience, and even shown your 11 year-old the valuable lesson of how quickly something meant to be innocent can blow up.
From all the Moms running "broken" homes out there, keep up the great work.
Hi non stop mom!
ReplyDeleteFirst thing is first you are awesome for doing the job of two parents on your own! i spent 2 years on my own whlie my partner worked away, I thought it wouldnt be much different as he doesnt do alot around here, i was quickly proven wrong!! it is so hard even after you establish a good routine.
I already felt for my solo mother friends offering help where i could, but i now admire them for being the toughest women i know for doing the role of the mother and father! Rasing kids is hard work but doing it on your own .. well i take my hat off to you.
look to be honest these people who left nasty comments are most likely unhappy with their own lives or have no lives. that comment was NASTY! i admire your response as mine would not have be as tame.
ps i love that letter it would have totally worked on me as a kid!! i still have trouble keeping my room clean lol
keep up the awesome job you are doing :D
Apparently my amazing 14 year daughter comes from a broken home as well because I have been a single mom since she was 3 months old. I've worked hard but sometimes, inevitably around the holidays, money gets tight. So when she asked for money for something just before Christmas this year, I was running late for work, stressed about my inability to make this year special & I was short with her. I text her to apologize when I got to work, explaining why I was snippy. I received the following message in return:
ReplyDeleteno it's okay I was kinda trying to find a way out anyways lol and whatever I get for Christmas will be perfect you're the best mom I could have asked for so I always have that, I love you! ❤️
Let the haters hate & take pleasure in the fact that you are raising what seem to be great children, with love & laughter. That's all kids need to truly succeed!
You are fantastic. Don't waste your time for icky people out there. You are more than enough for your kids
ReplyDeleteYou are fantastic. Don't waste your time for icky people out there. You are more than enough for your kids
ReplyDeleteThe other day the cesspool that is the internet informed me that I was narcissistic and unstable for telling people not to touch a stranger's kid. Seriously. For "I am the one that takes care of him, so maybe you, a total stranger, should engage me in the convo instead of physically pushing me out of the way to have a conversation with a toddler."
ReplyDeleteSo I am not surprised about this, but I am sorry you had to deal with those morons.
The other day the cesspool that is the internet informed me that I was narcissistic and unstable for telling people not to touch a stranger's kid. Seriously. For "I am the one that takes care of him, so maybe you, a total stranger, should engage me in the convo instead of physically pushing me out of the way to have a conversation with a toddler."
ReplyDeleteSo I am not surprised about this, but I am sorry you had to deal with those morons.
Judge not, least ye be judged. As a mom who "broke" her home in order to survive, I cheer you on for standing strong and making a life for you and your children. Nobody has the right to judge another, ever. Don't ever let another persons negativity and hatefulness get you down. They've not walked a mile in your shoes or had to make the hard choices that you have. Keep doing what you're doing for yourself and your children. You are a superstar, don't let haters win.
ReplyDelete