Just a day

Started off with basketball - Sarah had a game about 30 miles from here, so I got all of the kids up and dressed and fed and loaded into the van to get up there on time. We had Sarah's friend with us (she had spent the night) and I think that helped Sarah to have the best game of the season so far. I have never seen her run so hard or take so many chances during a game before. If she got frustrated, she didn't show it. At one point, she got into a little skirmish and actually ended up airborne and landed on her back - normally that would be enough to cause her to have a meltdown and storm off of the court, but she jumped back up and kept playing. She got 2 baskets, and they ended up winning the game.

Daniel didn't feel good last night, but he seemed to be better this morning. He seemed to enjoy himself at the game, and even Alex was fairly well behaved for a change. He brought some books along and so he spent the first half of the game reading books to add to his reading log, and then actually managed to sit through most of the second half without running around acting like an idiot.

Of course, we also amused ourselves by taking silly pictures.

After the game, we had to rush back to town, drop off Sarah's friend, and then get home so that the older 3 could change their clothes and grab something to eat before their father picked them up to take them to our friend's funeral. So they were gone for several hours this afternoon and I just worked on cleaning and laundry (go figure) while Alex and Daniel played games and watched a few movies.

Daniel started feeling crappy again, so he's my sleeping partner for the night so that I can keep an eye on him. He likes to spike these random fevers without any kind of warning or even a complaint, so unless I'm right there with him, I don't always notice them right away. I'm not terribly concerned yet because I know that there are a few nasty viruses going around, but if he doesn't get better tomorrow I may look at getting him into the doctor.

Other than that, just lots of the same old stuff. I think we'll be skipping church tomorrow since Daniel isn't feeling well. So once I get the older 3 up and out of here with their father, we'll be relaxing for the day and hopefully spending some time with The Dude before getting back to the grind on Monday.

I've got another semi-serious post that's been bouncing around in my head for the past few days, but I haven't been able to focus long enough to get it written - but hopefully I'll be able to do that soon. If it comes out the way that I want it to (sometimes they don't) it'll be sort of a follow up to my post on motivation from the other day. We'll see how that works out....

Now *THAT'S* a sunset!

It was a crazy day (no, really?) but everything that I did today pales in comparison to this.

Not even going to try to top it, so just enjoy the pictures, and I'll keep my mouth shut for a change.

I don't even know what to say.

It's been a day. A day full of ups and downs.

The morning was crazy. Alex and Jared both woke up with wet beds, but luckily I at least got them stripped and the wet sheets into the washer before we all left for school. Annoying, but not so bad in the grand scheme of things.

After Daniel and I got back from dropping everyone else off, I at least got Jared's bed remade, but hadn't gotten as far as getting Alex's done.

The Dude has been fighting some pretty severe back and neck pain, and was finally able to get into the doctor yesterday. The doctor poked and prodded and ordered x-rays, which of course couldn't be done until today. So before I took Daniel to school, we took The Dude to the hospital for the x-rays. We don't know anything yet, but he's hurting. And he's miserable. And it sucks.

I took Daniel to school and then went back to The Dude's house and hung out with him for the afternoon. While I was there, Ex1 called me.

Rewind about 13 years, when Ex1 and I moved in together. We lived on the same property as our landlords, an older couple with children about our age. They were our landlords, but they were our neighbors and our friends. We did things together. We asked them for advice. They were guests at our wedding. They were there for the birth of my older 3 kids. Even after we bought our house 5 years later and moved out, we still kept in touch with them. After Ex1 and I divorced, he moved back out to the same little house on their property and lived there for about another 5 years before he and Wife3 bought their current house. So this couple has been an integral part of our lives for a very long time, and have been sort of surrogate grandparents to my older 3 kids. Several years ago, the wife was diagnosed with cancer. She fought a long, hard, brave fight...but she lost the battle this morning. Ex1 and I decided to wait to tell the kids until he brought them to my house after school today.

When he and Wife3 brought them home, we told them. And it was awful. I knew that they wouldn't take it well, but to see the heartbreak....I can't even begin to describe it.

I was supposed to go to a meeting tonight, but I called and cancelled. There was no way that I could leave the kids less than an hour after telling them the news. So instead, we went and picked up The Dude and went to Burger King for supper, just to get out of the house and distract them for a couple of hours. They ate, they played, and The Dude and I visited a bit with the couple who was sitting next to us.

At one point, one of my kids looked around at how we were all sitting and said "Look - (pointing to the girls) it's the sisters....(pointing to the boys) it's the brothers....(pointing to me and The Dude) and it's the parents!" Wow. The Dude and I just kind of looked at each other and let it go at that point.

Then later, the man who was sitting next to us said something to The Dude and referred to me as his "wife". I about choked and said nothing - The Dude and I have talked about everything and he knows that I have absolutely no intention of ever getting married again. EVER. And before anyone jumps to any conclusions whatsoever, no, we are not talking about it, we are not thinking about it, and like I said, it is not an option in my book. Even if it was an option, it is way too early in the game to even be thinking about it. So there. But after the couple left, we got a good laugh out of it.

We then took The Dude home, and I ran inside with him to get his mp3 player so that I could use it when I run tomorrow, and while we were inside, one of the girls came running in to tell me that Jared had a nosebleed. I went outside to check, and he was standing in the middle of the driveway in a puddle of blood, with blood covering his coat and his hands and his face. We grabbed some tissues to slow it down, got him into the house to get him cleaned up, put his coat in a garbage bag, and finally came home. Needless to say, his coat is now in the washer, so I'll be up for a few more hours to run it through the dryer several times to get it completely dried.

We finally got home and started the whole bath process, and then of course I realized that I still hadn't made Alex's bed. So I did that in a hurry and managed to chase the boys into bed at a reasonable time. It's now 10:00 and the girls are finally going themselves.

Sarah had a major meltdown earlier - just crying her heart out about the loss of our friend. Being the oldest, she has the most memories, but also the most questions. Why did she have to die? Who is going to feed the cats? What if her husband falls and no one is there to call for help? What about the dog that always followed her around the farm - what's she going to do without her? Why didn't I get to say goodbye? Luckily, my kids haven't had to experience much death. They've only been to a few funerals, and they were young enough that they don't remember them. They don't know if they want to go to her funeral or not, and Ex1 and I decided to leave it up to them - if they want to go, we'll make sure that they go - but if they don't want to, we aren't going to force them.

For now, the kids are in bed. I have to clean up some stuff in the kitchen and make sure that the coats that are in the washer get into the dryer so I'll be up for at least a couple more hours...but I am so looking forward to just going to bed and crashing and forgetting about this day for at least a few hours. I'm going to go run tomorrow and brain dump again - I think at this point I need to.

Maybe I dumped too much.

I went on a 6 mile walk/run this morning, and when I got back and was telling The Dude about it, I referred to it as a "brain dump" kind of a run. While I was out there, my brain was running faster than my feet - I swear, give me enough time and energy and space to run, and I could solve all of the world's problems by the time I got back. I worked through so much crap in my head today - mostly financial stuff, but also stuff about The Dude (all good there, no need to worry), stuff about the kids, stuff about life in general, and just stuff.

By the time I got back, I felt like my head was clear, although my legs were a bit rubbery, and I continued about my day. I went over to The Dude's house and hung out with him for a while this afternoon, and we just enjoyed sitting around watching silly YouTube videos and talking.

Then the usual Wednesday evening chaos ensued, with all of the kids coming home and then having to get various ones to various places and back home and in bed again. It was probably one of the the more stressful Wednesday evenings that I've had to deal with in a while, but given that this is the first week back into the routine after the holidays, I guess I should have expected it.

And now, I think I might have dumped my brain a little too much. I had all sorts of profound things to talk about tonight, but I suddenly can't form a coherent thought. It might have to do with the horrendous lack of sleep from last night, or too much brain dumping this morning, or too much chaos this evening, or any combination of the above. So instead, I'm going to give you the few pictures that I snapped while I was out running...

And finally one shot from basketball practice. There is so much behind this picture that I can't even begin to explain - but I'm posting it here because I want to remember to go into it at some point. Let's just say that this is a very rare moment.

And now, I'm going to take my rubbery legs and go brush my teeth and take my empty head to bed and hope that I get some sleep. Tomorrow is one of the days where I have to be up by 5:30am to get everyone up and fed and dressed and out the door by 7:15 to get them all to school on time, and then it just gets crazier from there.

So here's to hoping for a good night's sleep tonight....

Another trip to the dentist

Alex and Daniel had dentist appointments this morning.

Getting the kids to the dentist is always a challenge for me. Not that it's hard to get them there, since it's only about 7 or 8 blocks from my house - I mean really, I got out of the shower at 8:15 and still had them there by 8:30 - but because I *hate* the dentist. Not this particular dentist - he's great. I just hate dentists. Period.

I swear, if I could get a prescription for valium before I had to take the kids in there, it would be much better - for everyone involved. I haven't been to the dentist personally in about 10 years - and I'm ok with that, even with my molar that's been broken for that long. I know I should go, but I just can't do it. Little pieces of that tooth keep breaking off, but I'm ok with it. I'd rather have a huge hole in my mouth and deal with excruciating pain than take myself to the dentist and have it fixed.

I know, I know - I need to get over it. I need to go. I know I need to go. I just haven't worked up the nerve to do it yet. I actually talked to the receptionist a couple of years ago, and it would take a minimum of 6 months to schedule an appointment to get me in - and of course I'd have to have the cash in hand to go since I don't have insurance - so yeah, I'll schedule the appointment as soon as I win the lottery and get a prescription for really good happy drugs.

But, I take the kids every time that they have an appointment. And I have to sit on the floor of the exam room while the dentist is doing his thing. The kids love to go there, and they do great. I, on the other hand, would be curled up in the fetal position on the floor if there was enough room to do it. Instead, today I distracted myself by messaging back and forth with The Dude the whole time that we were there. I'm sure that it irritated the dentist, but I think that it was better than me sitting there, hyperventilating and drooling on myself.

The boys did great. Two perfect checkups.

So now we're good to go...for about another 3 weeks, when I have to take the older 3 kids in - all of them, at the same time. So that I can sit on the floor and freak out through 3 appointments.

Please pass the drugs.

What motivates me?

This is a question that has been posed to me many times, in many different forms.

~ How do you do it?
~ How do you get it all done?
~ How do you keep going?
~ Do you ever sleep/How do you survive on so little sleep?
~ Isn't it hard to do it all alone?
~ What motivates you?

I've been thinking about this all day, trying to come up with a simple answer. But the truth is, there is no simple answer.

Over the years, I have battled with what I am sure is depression - I've never actually been officially diagnosed, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out, especially after the amount of time that I have spent analyzing and over-analyzing every aspect of my life. Since I have never been officially diagnosed, I am not on any medication for it - I have just learned to deal with it.

Some days are easier than others. Some days totally suck. Pair the depression with PMDD and it can turn into an ugly ride at times. There have been days in the past where even getting out of bed - no, even opening my eyes - was just not something that I wanted to do.

Luckily, over time, I've learned how to deal with it much better. The lows are nowhere near as low as they used to be. But at those low times, if someone had told me that people would eventually be asking me for motivational tips, I would have just given them a blank stare, because laughing in their face would have taken too much effort.

Honestly, on those lower-than-low days, motivation was hard to find. I'd get a shower because I honestly couldn't stand the way that I smelled anymore - how's that for a glamorous bit of motivational speaking? "Take a shower, or you'll stink!" But seriously, that's what it all boiled down to for me.

As I started to pull myself out of the funk, I started using lots of little tricks to keep myself going in the right direction. I am the queen of lists. I used to make lists of everything that I needed to do in a day - but it wasn't something like this:

That list doesn't look too bad, does it? But at the low points in my life, the thought of doing "laundry" was too overwhelming. I didn't know where to start.

So instead, my lists looked more like this:

I broke everything down into the smallest steps that I could possibly do. I did this because it was easier to cross off each individual step as I completed it - and then, when I got done with the WHOLE thing, I took great enjoyment in crossing the entire task off of the list.

Sometimes, it took me hours to make the lists. I would lay in bed the night before and develop them. Sometimes I even posted them online in a group that I was in at the time - I know for a fact that it annoyed people, but it helped to have some accountability to others. They could see how much progress I made or didn't make on that particular day.

Another trick I used at the same time (and still do, sometimes) is to set a timer. On the bad days, I'd set it for as short as 5 minutes - on the better days, up to an hour. But whatever the time period was, I'd pick a task and focus on that task and that task only until the timer sounded. I'd turn it into a race against myself, to see how much laundry I could fold or how many dishes I could do (or whatever it was) and most of the time, even after the timer went off, I kept going until I finished the task. I still do that to this day when I just don't feel like getting myself moving.

Nowadays, since my life seems to have straightened out a bit a lot, I don't have to rely on those tricks quite so much - although I do still use them when I'm having a bad day. While I don't use the timer so much, I know that I have a certain amount of time to myself in the afternoon when Daniel is in school, and so I have exactly that much time to get things done - whether it's the laundry, or grocery shopping, or working on a craft project. I know that the only time that I can generally get anything done is when the kids aren't around or when they're sleeping - so I use those times to the fullest.

When people ask me what keeps me going, the only answer that I can truthfully say is "the kids". I know that no matter how crappy I feel, no matter how bad of a day I am having, my number one priority is to take care of those kids. I have no choice on that one. I can't stay in bed and sulk all day - if I do, they'll likely burn the house down without a second thought. I have to get up just to ensure their safety, if nothing else. And well, while I'm up, I might as well throw in a load of laundry and wash the dishes, and well, you get the point....

The kids are my number one priority. And being a single mother, I know that if I don't do what needs to be done around here, no one else is going to do it. It doesn't matter if I'm sick - I have to get up and do what needs to be done around here. There isn't anyone else to pick up the slack. Honestly, I don't look at the majority of what I do as being the result of motivation - I look at it as a means of survival.

If I don't go out and buy groceries, no one else is going to do it.
If I don't do the laundry, no one else is going to do it.
If I don't take the kids back and forth to school, no one else is going to do it.

Another really good way to get me to accomplish something? Tell me that I can't do it - that I'm not capable of it. I have always enjoyed walking and hiking, and I had mentioned to someone (who shall remain nameless) a few years ago that I would like to start running. What did he say?

"You're too fat and lazy to do that." Yep. That's what I was told. So guess what? As soon as I got the hip replaced and felt strong enough, I started walking. And then it snowballed from there and I've now got a half-marathon and 3 5Ks under my belt. So there.

And now I have set a goal for myself to do one race per month for this entire year. I sat down last night and dug around online and found 7 or 8 that I can theoretically do (including the same half-marathon from last year and a 5K that I do with the girls every year) and I'm going to try my hardest to get them all in, if at all possible. Financially, I might not be able to do them all, but what I'm thinking is that if I don't have the money to do one, I can just do it on my own - start running and time it and see what I can accomplish. Having goals like that - actual events and dates on the calendar - is a huge help for me.

Having The Dude around has been an enormous help. I don't want him - or anyone for that matter - walking into my house when it's trashed. So before he comes over, I run around cleaning things up so that he can walk through the house without killing himself. Yes, he helps when he is here but he doesn't have to - and I don't want him to feel like he has to do anything. I know that part of that is the control freak in me, but I also just don't want him or anyone else who is a guest in my home to feel like they need to help me get things done around here.

So there you have it. What motivates me, the tricks that I've learned, and things that have helped me. I don't know if it will help anyone else, but if it does, great. I'd also love to hear from others on the subject - give me your tips and tricks, what has worked and what hasn't. Leave a comment here, post it on my facebook page, whatever - it might help me and it might help someone else who is going through a rough time.

Getting a running start for the New Year!

Yep, I did it again. I survived another 5K.

The Dude and I took off this morning and headed to Wichita for the race. We got started later than I had wanted to, and there were a few moments of nervous panic when we couldn't find a place to park, but we ended up getting there with about 15 minutes to spare.

The weather was beautiful - but it was COLD! It was one of those days where if you were in the sun, it wasn't bad - but get in the shadow of a building and wow - yeah - it was cold.

So here are your complimentary shots of the day. :)

First, the crowd at the start. Of course, I made my way to the back of the pack to get started so that I wouldn't get trampled by the speed demons. I might be slow, but I'm not dumb.

I kept my phone with me to use my running app, but I couldn't resist snapping a couple of pictures. It was just a beautiful day. If you look closely, you can see the runners coming back up on the other side of the river.

The Dude had Daniel and my camera at the finish line, and he got some pictures of some of the more interesting characters in the race...

....and then there was me.

After the race, we opted to not stick around for the complimentary chili and cocoa - there were just too many people, so we headed back to the van to go out to lunch. Daniel has definitely found himself a new buddy in The Dude - or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, it's a good thing, and seeing moments like this makes me smile.

So we hit the Golden Corral for lunch...and dessert...

So the final results are as follows:

My official time: 42:29
Pace: 13:44 per mile
Overall ranking: 316th out of 384
Ranking for age group (40-44, female): 23rd out of 27
Ranking for all females: 163rd out of 212

Overall, I'm happy with it. It wasn't my best 5K time, but it wasn't my worst. I've been working on finding more races so that I can meet my goal of doing one per month, and I have a bunch lined out. The Dude has already graciously offered to help in any way that he can.

Which leads me to my final thought for the night....The Dude.

He has been so amazing to me and to my kids - but today in particular, he did something that means more to me than I can ever explain.

He was there for me. He was at the start and he was waiting for me at the finish - and he supported me and cheered for me and honestly, inspired me to keep going until the end. Knowing that he was there waiting for me made running 3.1 miles worth it. When in the past, I've been told that I could never do something like this, he reminded me that I could do it.

And for that, I can't thank him enough.

I'm crazy about this guy - just in case you didn't know that already.