One of those days....

Today has just not been fun. Seriously.


It took me a while to even get motivated, but once I did I finally started working on my shower some more. Luckily, the tile on this wall doesn't have to be cut to size at all, so it went fairly fast once I got started. But, getting all of the tile work done is going to take forever and at this point, I just want it to be done. I want my shower back. But of course, once I get the shower done, we have to redo the floor - it's a neverending battle at this point.

(And in case you're wondering about the crazy tile - the light blue tile is what was in there originally. I pulled that off, and I'm putting it back. However, some broke in the process and we couldn't find the same lovely shade of baby blue. So we bought a couple of boxes of white to mix in with the blue. Rather than try to make a perfect pattern, I just opted to go with a random one.)

Once I decided I was done working on the shower for the day (as in - once I ran out of the mortar I had mixed) it was time to run to the grocery store for a few things. Right about then my phone rang, and I had to run and pick up a "sick" kid from school. I say "sick" - I think I got snowed on that one. Live and learn. We went to the grocery store, got what we needed, ran through the carwash and came home.

Once the other kids got home, the chaos just escalated - and boy, did it escalate.

Crappy attitudes. Temper tantrums. Whining. Fighting. Arguing. Slamming doors. Neighbor kids coming over to play and doing stupid stuff so that I had to yell at them too. Constant yells of "Mom!! I need _____!!" or "Mom! He said _____!" or "Mom! She _______!" One kid flipping another kid the bird. One falling off of a bed (after jumping on it) and getting hurt. Vomit. Weird bug crawling across the dining room floor.

Nights like this get to me. I know that they happen, and I know that they're inevitable, but holy crap do they make me feel completely and totally inadequate. I count down the minutes until bedtime, and I feel guilty because I'm not all mushy-gushy and "oh I love my kids so much and every minute is precious and rainbows and unicorns and happy happy yay!!"

Instead, it's "holy hell it's only 30 minutes until bedtime and then it'll be quiet and then all I have to do is get through the morning and get them to school and then I can get stuff done".

A big part of it is stress. The next few days are absolutely jam-packed with stuff, from track meets to a field trip to choir concerts to baseball practice to The Great Strides Walk for Cystic Fibrosis to the half-marathon, and I have no adult backup at all because The Dude is going to be out of town. I'm worried about making it to everything and attempting to stay sane, and then worrying about whether or not the house is still going to be standing if I leave the kids on their own Sunday morning while I go to my race.

For now though, I'm just going to chill. It's been a crappy night, yes. But it's not the end of the world. It happens. Instead of freaking out, I'm going to enjoy a glass of wine and some "baby oranges" (in a very worn and nasty looking - but clean - bowl) and listen to some music and play around online, and then I'm going to go to bed knowing that tomorrow is another day. And with any luck, it'll go smoother than today did.

I'm not going to lie...

...but there are days when I wonder if I'm really cut out for this whole motherhood thing.

Things have not been going smoothly here in the Non-Stop household lately. I'm not sure what happened, or when it happened, but something happened.

Maybe it's cabin fever. The kids can't get outside and play as much as I would like them to.... partially because of the weather, or schedules, or sickness, or I have too much to do and can't go outside with them to make sure that they're safe.

Maybe it's the stress of living in a too-small house for far too long.

Maybe it's the pressures of school and sports and church and social activities.

Maybe it's the constant perceived lack of money as we curb our spending in order to get moved to a bigger house.

Maybe it's all of the above. Maybe it's not.

Whatever it is - it is taking a toll on all of us. There has been so much bickering, so much fighting, so much meanness and spitefulness and anger and disappointment and sorrow and even hate.

And I hate it. It makes me question everything. All of my past experiences come bubbling up to the surface and I start to question my every move.

Am I doing the right thing by taking away this privilege? 

Should I really have just said that to that child? 

What was I thinking when I allowed that to happen?

Is there maybe a better way to handle this situation?

Am I being fair?

Do they have even an inkling of how hard I am trying to be a good mother?

So many questions going through my mind right now as we desperately try to work through these growing pains that we are experiencing. And I haven't figured out a single answer yet. I sit here and I think and I try to come up with the magical solution, yet I know that there isn't one. What might have worked today might not work tomorrow. Parenthood is an ever-changing game, and one that doesn't have rigid rules that never change.

There have been times recently when I've been on the verge of giving up and throwing in the towel. Sometimes the stress and the uncertainty is unreal and overwhelming and totally unmanageable. But I know that no matter what, I am trying my hardest. I might not make the best decisions as a parent. I might make the wrong decisions sometimes. I might really really screw up sometimes. But I also know without a doubt that I love those kids more than anything else in the world - and no matter what, we are going to get through this whatever-it-is.

I might not be sane by the time that they grow up and are out of the house, but I'll get through it.

And so will they.

Just another sunrise ..... they can still take my breath away.

Yard cleanup

Today was filled with the usual...running around to get the boys to and from school, trying to clean and do laundry, and then the yardwork.

I put off mowing the grass last week because of the impending storms, so it was out of control by the time I got out there today. I was on a mission to get it done while Daniel was in school but a friend stopped by with her new puppy and so we talked for probably close to an hour before she left. I shifted it into high gear, but still didn't get done before I had to leave. But, it only took about 10 minutes to finish it after, and then the boys and I gathered up all of the sticks and branches that came down over the winter and during the storms. All told, there wasn't as much as I thought that there was going to be, and they're all bundled up and waiting for the trash guys to take them away tomorrow....you know, before the kids can use them as weapons against each other any more.

Poor Daniel - I don't know what they did to him at school today, but he was tired! After we got done picking up sticks, he played on the swingset for a while before we came back inside. I went back out for a few minutes to talk to the neighbors and when I came back in, this is what I found. I tried to wake him up for supper, but he wasn't having any of it. I eventually just tossed him into bed, clothes and all....and knowing him, he'll sleep through the night and I'll have to drag him out of bed in the morning to take Alex to school.

By the way, he loves his red socks. He would wear them every day if I let him. He does really good picking out his own clothes and getting himself dressed, except for those blasted red socks!

Anyway, the rest of this week (and the next few weeks, actually) is going to be crazy busy. Alex and Daniel have parent/teacher conferences this week, Alex gets out of school early on Friday, the girls and I are doing a 5K on Saturday....and it just keeps going and going and going....at this point, the half-marathon is less than 2 weeks away and I am so not ready for it! I have got to get my rear in gear and get out and run as much as I can between now and then.

At this point, I'll be able to somewhat relax sometime after about May 6. Too bad I can't use my caffeine crutch anymore! 27 days and counting.....

Wednesday insanity

The day stayed true to form....

Constant running from 7:00am until 10:00pm, and I'm not done yet.

Between running kids back and forth to school, I also did just over 5 miles today for the first time in a couple of weeks (ouch), worked on some sewing that I *have* to get done in the next few days, did a crapload of laundry, tackled yet another seemingly unending pile of dishes, ran to the grocery store to pick up a few things, ran to the hardware store to do a return, made supper and cleaned up most of the mess, dropped Jared off at his father's church on the way to get Emily to her basketball practice.....

I still have so much crap to do too...

The rest of the week is going to be just as bad too. I remembered today that the Christmas parade in town is tomorrow night - and yes, the kids and I are supposed to be in it for our church. But, Sarah has basketball practice after school and so the kids might not even get home in time for it.

Friday night is Jared's Christmas program at school.

Saturday morning is basketball games.

I can't wait until Saturday afternoon, when I can theoretically sit down and breathe for a few minutes.

Maybe I'll even get to spend some time with The Dude at some point over the next few days. That would be a good thing!

Emily actually ran her butt off at practice - this was a rare moment tonight.

I tried to keep Alex busy during practice, but he really wasn't focusing well.

Daniel was thrilled to pieces at practice.
Yes, he's sound asleep.

Now, to finish up some more laundry, empty the dishwasher, start packing lunches for tomorrow, pick up the crap laying around the house...

Have I mentioned how much I hate Wednesdays lately?

Sometimes I'm a little slow.

We moved into this house roughly 14 months ago. When we did, we brought the swingset from the old house, complete with the concrete chunks on the bottoms of the legs. It was a pain in the neck to move, but once I got it set up I just dug holes where the legs would go and dropped them into the holes and covered up the concrete chunks. Voila. Instantly anchored to the ground.

The only real problem was that when we pulled the slide up out of the ground to move it, one of the concrete chunks stayed in the ground. So when we set it up over here, I dug one hole for the leg with the chunk still attached and thought that it would be ok.

It was. For about a day. Then the kids somehow miraculously lifted it back out of the ground.

It's been annoying me more than usual lately - probably because the kids have figured out that it's lots of fun to drag the slide - chunk and all - all over the yard. During my trip to the hardware store yesterday I grabbed a bag of concrete mix.

Why did I even go to the hardware store yesterday? I know it wasn't for that...but now for the life of me I can't remember why I went....

Anyway...this afternoon the weather was gorgeous so after the kids got home from school we went outside for them to play and me to work.

Seriously, why did I go to the hardware store? Grabbing the concrete mix while I was there was a total afterthought. Oh, this is going to drive me nuts.

OK, now this is insane. I had a specific reason for going there yesterday....

Anyway, I think I have it anchored in there good enough, once the concrete dries and stuff. Then I can shovel the dirt back over top of the concrete and it should be nice and sturdy - and unmovable - and I won't have to worry as much when the kids are out there playing.

Another mini-project was to get rid of the last 2 pumpkins. The rest of them already went out in the trash, but I had to split them up, since we have a 200-pound weight limit for our garbage pickup. Since the total pumpkin weight was something like 194 pounds, I didn't want to push my luck and throw them all away at the same time. So 4 of them went out this week, and the last 2 will go out next week - but they are at least in the trash can now, and are no longer fermenting on the front steps. (See the water pouring out of its mouth? Probably could have bottled it and sold it as wine. Or a biological weapon of some kind.)

Anyway, it was a pretty decent day. I didn't get a whole lot done around the house, but I don't care. Tomorrow is another day, right?

OMG I went to the hardware store to get a new flag! That's what it was! My old one was all sorts of ripped up and I didn't realize it, so I went to get a new one, and grabbed the concrete mix at the same time. I am so glad that I finally figured that out because it was seriously about to drive me insane.....

I think I need sleep...