Awesomeness. Lots of it.

The past few days have been crazy insane, but in such a good way.

I went to Oklahoma City and ran a (slightly more than) 5K leg of the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon on Sunday. It was an amazing experience. The marathon itself is a fundraiser for the Oklahoma City National Memorial & Museum that honors the victims of the bombing there 20 years ago. With over 25,000 runners, this was by far the biggest race that I've ever participated in, and it was incredible.

 I ran faster than I've ever run before, and amazed myself with what I accomplished that day. I ended my leg of the run with a smile on my face, and didn't stop smiling for the rest of the day.

But more on that later....

I got a ton of stuff done outside today. I mowed the grass (always a huge job), finished weeding the huge front flower bed, got some more flowers planted, watered stuff, got some more seedlings transferred out to the garden (hopefully these actually, you know, survive), planted some more flowers, watered stuff....you get the idea.

Baseball season officially started tonight for Daniel. We rode our bikes up to the practice field and on our way back, we got to see some wildlife that we don't get to see very often - at least not sitting still.

But probably the best part of the last few days....

Remember that memorial quilt that I was working on? It was for my friend's mother-in-law, whose husband passed away in January. I was given a bunch of his work shirts and pants to use to make a quilt. My friend gave me a basic pattern idea, we talked about various details, but for the most part I designed it as I went along. I was terrified that the mother-in-law wasn't going to like it.

After we got done running the race in OKC, my team and I went out to eat. We were sitting in the rocking chairs in front of a Cracker Barrel, waiting for our table, and I scrolled through my facebook newsfeed. There I saw it - my friend's post with pictures of her mother-in-law seeing the quilt for the first time. It was all I could do not to burst into tears right then and there.

Right there. It just doesn't get any better than that.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I know I've been nagging on my facebook page, but I'm going to do it here too just in case you missed it. This coming Saturday is the Great Strides Walk for Cystic Fibrosis. I am participating in that to raise money for research for a cure for this horrible disease that directly affects our family. If you would like to make a contribution, you can do that here.

But wait! There's more!

In order to encourage people to donate, I've agreed to do a couple of things.

For $1000, I will dye my hair purple (not the wash-out kind, either) AND I will get rid of my ugly rainbow-colored crocs that everyone loves to hate.

Seriously though - please help if you can. It would mean so much to me.

One of those days...

It's been one of THOSE days. You know the kind.

First off, the weather was AMAZING. Beyond amazing. 70+ degrees worth of amazing. Of course it didn't start out quite that warm first thing this morning, but it was still nice enough that I finally forced myself outside and managed to get in a 3 mile walk.

Seriously. 70 degrees. In Kansas. In January.

Crazy stuff.

The Dude had to do some work on his truck today, and he needed my hacksaw (don't ask) to do it - not to mention that it's easier to do it in my yard than it is to do it in his, so he came over this afternoon.

We got to spend a little bit of time together before I had to go and get the boys from school.

It was so nice outside that I basically told the boys that they were NOT allowed to come back inside until I had supper ready and on the table. It's so rare to have days like this, and they needed to be outside to burn off some energy and get some exercise.

I was working on supper and was standing at the kitchen sink doing some dishes, and I looked out the window. The view was so incredibly amazing, and I realized just how awesome my life really is - even though I don't always admit it.

I mean really - right there, outside the window - there it is. The love of my life, working on his truck while the kids played nearby. Granted, it would have been better with all of the kids here (and if he wasn't working on that blasted truck) but still - it honestly took my breath away and I just stood there and watched and smiled. And when supper was ready, they all came inside and we sat down and we ate... and then The Dude went home and I got the boys in the tub and ready for bed.

It's definitely not the life that I had planned on having. It's crazy and chaotic and there's a lot of drama and stress at times. But it's my life, and I love it.

It's been one of those days.....that shows me just how lucky I really am.

Busy day...

...but what else is new?

I dropped the boys off at school and then got a text from Ex1 asking me if I was coming to Sarah's honor roll assembly this morning. Which was happening in 20 minutes. 15 miles away.

So as I attempted to hightail it out of town to get there even remotely close to on time, I got stuck in the traffic (traffic? this town never has traffic!) from not one, but TWO accidents that happened within a block of each other. I took off and whipped (carefully) through some residential neighborhoods to get around the idiots traffic and got on my way again, only to get caught behind a bike that was pulling a buggy. Seriously. It was a bike. A regular old 10-speed type bike. With a buggy. And a guy who looked like he was really really tired who was pedaling along on his merry little way in front of me.

Needless to say, that didn't last long. I got around him as quickly as I could and took off again.

I made it to the school just as they called Sarah's name and she walked across the stage. Granted, I might have been wearing the clothes that I slept in last night (plus a sweatshirt over top) and I might have looked like absolute crap, but at least I did brush my teeth before I left the house and I did put some deodorant on (I think). And at least I was wearing sweats, and not pajama pants. And I was there.

So anyway, I left the school and headed back towards town, intent on getting stuff done that I really needed to do....

....oh look! My favorite bull was close to the road this time! Yes, I had to stop and take his picture again - but he wouldn't moooove out from behind the gate. *snicker*

(Speaking of this gorgeous guy, did you see the cover photo on my facebook page?)

I got back to town, and I did my civic duty.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Notice the shirt? What a goober.

And then The Dude came over and took me out to lunch (wait, wasn't I supposed to be getting stuff done around the house today?) and .....

.... there are so many stories that I could tell about that lunch. But, I'm going to save some of them. There are stories about snorting whiz, peepee hands, having a keeper, and Vegas - but not necessarily in that order. One of the things that I love about him is that we laugh together. Constantly. We laugh with each other and at each other on a regular basis - and it's awesome.

After lunch, we got the oil changed in my van, which resulted in more fun - but truth be told I am just so thankful that he is willing and able to do this kind of stuff for me. And it's not even like he does it for me - we do this stuff together. And it's fun.


Did I mention that he always makes me laugh?

The last thing of the day was going to Sarah's first Scholar's Bowl. The Dude kept Alex and Daniel here at the house so that I could go by myself since I wasn't really sure what to expect - and it's a good thing too because they never would have stayed quiet for that long.

The kids on her team did well, but not as good as they needed to in order to win. But, this was their first time out and it was obvious that they were nervous, especially at the beginning. As the evening progressed, I could see their confidence building. I can't wait to see how well they do as the season (do they call it a season?) continues.

After I got home, The Dude took off to his place, I got the boys in bed, did a little bit of cleaning, and then set the mousetraps in the kitchen. I can hear something out there messing around, but I refuse to move from my spot until I hear a trap snap - which will hopefully be soon. The Dude actually witnessed the mouse stroll out of the laundry room and cruise around the kitchen for a few minutes before strolling back into the laundry room - so not only is he in my house uninvited, but he's brazen too. That will end, and it will not end in a good way for the mouse.

I'm doing it again...

So I hinted around on my facebook page this morning that I was up to something. On a mission, so to speak.

I did accomplish my mission, and that was to go to the YMCA in Wichita to register for the Frosty 5K Run that is being held on New Years Day.

I am officially registered, I have my official bib and my official t-shirt and my official complimentary pen. Since I have been lazy for the past few weeks, I need to officially get off of my butt and get out and do some walking/jogging in the next week to get ready for this.

I'm not really worried about breaking any records. I just want to finish it. I went back and looked at the times that I had for the two other 5Ks that I've done - I did the first one on April 24, 2010 with a time of 53:15 (give me a break - I was pushing a stroller too) and the second one was on April 30, 2011 with a time of 41:43. I would like to think that I could do this one in under 40 minutes, but we'll see what happens. The Dude is going with me to keep Alex and Daniel entertained while I run walk/jog, and then we'll have lunch there (chili!) and head home.

I also found out that the date for the half-marathon is April 29, 2012 - and you'd better believe that I'm doing that one again - and I will improve my time over the last one on that! Maybe one of these days, I'll take my bionic hip and do a full marathon!

I've been sort of compiling a list of local races - not sure how many I want to do, but I know that I want to continue working to get healthier and to get into better shape. Right now, I weigh less than I have since 2002 - and I have to tell you that it feels pretty darned good! I still have a few pounds to go to get to my ideal weight, but at the same time I'm not letting my physical appearance define me. I am happy with myself, and I'm not going to let a few extra pounds discourage me.

Besides, my "normal" jeans that I put on today were too big - how can I be discouraged with that?

Welcome to my happy place

This post has been bouncing around in my head for a few days, and I think I'm ready to blurt it out finally....

It might end up being a bunch of rambling, but hey, I'm good at that!

Most of you know my history, but if you don't, here's the shortened version:

Marriage #1 lasted from August 1999 until October 2004 (3 kids).
Short-term relationship in Spring/Summer 2005 resulted in the 4th kid.
Marriage #2 lasted from March 2006 until May 2009 physically, with the divorce not being final until January 2011 (5th kid).

Before my first marriage, I spent most of my adult life bouncing from one relationship to the next with little to no time in between. See how history has continued to repeat itself?

When Jeff and I split in May 2009, I knew that the marriage was over and that there was no going back. We had been on shaky ground for a long time, and I was done at that point. We had split and reconciled many times in the short time that we were married - but that was it. I was done.

I spent a lot of time alone after Jeff and I split. And for probably the first time in my life, I used that time to really look at myself. I admit that I went into a deep depression - probably deeper than even my closest friends really realize. I was miserable. I had failed at two marriages and ended up with five kids with three different fathers - who in their right mind does that?

I did. And looking back now, I know how it happened. I was so desperate to be with someone - to have someone love me - that I grasped at anything or anyone that I could find.

But I didn't like myself. In fact, I hated myself. I wasn't happy, and I was looking for someone else to make me be that way.

Guess what? That doesn't work.

I don't know when I had the "aha moment" and realized that I wasn't happy with myself. I don't know that it was a "moment" - but maybe it was a gradual realization as I endlessly analyzed every detail of my life. A close friend was going through a lengthy breakup of his relationship during this period and as I tried to counsel him on it, I kept telling him that he had to find his "happy place" - that he had to be happy with himself before he jumped into another relationship (which he was considering at that point).

For once, I listened to myself. I think as I talked to him, I realized that I had been doing what he was doing - I wasn't happy with myself, and was looking elsewhere for that happiness.

The ironic part about all of this is that as I was coming to this realization, I was losing everything around me. I lost my house, my van, almost lost my kids, had no money, no job, nothing. I had to suck up my pride and get some assistance to get a place to live and to get a vehicle, and then I started working on getting my daycare up and running again. I was starting to feel better about myself, because I finally felt like I was getting somewhere.

So I put myself out there and I started dating. Nothing serious, just a date here and there. It was fun, but none of them felt "right".

Then Jeff died, and I was thrown into a whirlwind of emotions that I had no idea existed. I was an emotional wreck. I mean, really, he was my ex-husband. We had been separated for nearly 2 years but only divorced for 20 days when he died. I had no idea how extreme the emotional rollercoaster would be - and I realized again that I wasn't ready to be with anyone else. I was still not happy with myself. So I stopped dating anyone and continued to work on myself. I started training for the half-marathon, and as I got into better physical shape I could feel my emotional well-being improving at the same time.

I had been told by so many people that I would never accomplish something like that race. I wasn't sure if I could do it. But I did it - and it felt like a turning point in my life. If I could do a half-marathon for the first time at the age of 40, after having 5 kids and a total hip replacement, I felt like I could pretty much do anything.

Financially, things started to fall into place as well. Not many people know this, but Daniel and I both receive survivor benefits through Social Security - I knew that Daniel would, but I had no idea that I would qualify as well.

(Let me stop right here and point out that on the Social Security website, it indicates that "If you are the divorced spouse of a worker who dies, you could get benefits just the same as a widow or widower, provided that your marriage lasted 10 years or more. (You would not have to meet this length-of-marriage rule if you are caring for a child under age 16 or disabled who is getting benefits on the record of your former spouse. The child must be your former spouse's natural or legally adopted child.)" Yes, I have to point that out, as there have been some people who have not been happy that I receive benefits since we were divorced - but as a dear friend says to me, "it is what it is".)

Anyway, with the financial weight of the world off of my shoulders, it has given me the freedom to be able to do things for myself. I've been able to go on some trips and to buy a dependable vehicle and to get some bills paid off. I've been able to do more things for the kids and be able to spend more time with them without having to worry about working.

As things have started to fall into place, friends have suggested that I start dating. So I did - or attempted to - but for whatever reason those attempts never worked. I finally just decided that I wasn't going to do it. I was alone, but you know what? I was ok with that.

I was happy with myself. I didn't need someone else to make me happy.

And then I met The Dude. Totally unexpected. Wasn't looking for him, but there he was....and is.

He and I talk. A lot. About everything and about nothing. In fact, he's cheering me on while I write this, and although he has an idea of the topic, he doesn't know the details - he's encouraging me to say what I need to say, in contrast to people in my past who basically told me to just keep my mouth shut and not talk about my feelings.

I never thought that I would find anyone who would be even remotely willing to "jump in" like he has - and he surprises me more and more every day. He was over here tonight and the kids were fired up (putting it mildly) and he didn't even flinch. In fact, he helped referee a couple of fights in between eating dinner, fixing my printer (yay!), and engaging in some roughhousing with me and the kids.

While I thought that I would be terrified to get into another relationship, I'm not. I'm comfortable. This is a good thing. I'm happy. For the first time in a very very long time, I can honestly say that I am happy. I am happy with myself, I'm happy with my life, and I'm happy in a relationship.

And for all of this to happen, all I had to do was find my happy place, enjoy it a bit, and then open the door.