Too Close to Home

This came up on my calendar today, and the timing of it couldn't have been better.

If you've been following the news (or my page) you know that there was a mass shooting very close to here just a few days ago.

So close that the cops tore past my house so fast that I couldn't even tell what color the cars were.

So close that I raced around town, picking my kids up from various places to make sure that they were home and safe.

So close that we locked our doors - something that we never do - until we knew for a fact that the shooter acted alone and was down.

So close that I couldn't tear myself away from the media coverage, my eyes searching the crowds on TV, trying to spot anyone that I knew to make sure that they were safe.

So close that one of my acquaintances was among the injured, and I recognized the name of one of those killed.

So close that I had no choice but to explain to my kids what had actually happened.

Too close.  Entirely too close.

The day after the shooting, it was revealed that the shooter had been served a PFA (Protection From Abuse order, AKA a restraining order) about 90 minutes before he went on his rampage. His former girlfriend filed it on him, alleging that he had physically abused her on at least one occasion.

As soon as that information was released, the discussion of domestic violence began. And of course it's impossible not to read the comments when articles like that are posted. And of course the discussions and the resulting comments and arguments and victim blaming brought back all sorts of not-so-fun stuff from my past - and it's been eating me alive for days now.

For the most part, I'm over it. Yes, I was a victim of domestic violence. Yes, it was horrible. But my life doesn't revolve around it. It is a part of my past, but it doesn't define me, because I won't allow it to do that. It's not something that I normally talk about on a daily basis - but every now and then, something brings it back to the surface and it eats at me. I think back to all of the reasons why I stayed for so long, and I relive certain moments and I feel the pain and the heartache all over again. And then I look at where I am now and realize that no matter how bleak things appeared to be at the time, I'm in such a good place now. But it's a constant battle in my head - between remembering the horrible times in the past and appreciating the good ones now.

And I know that as a community, we are strong. We are so incredibly strong. The outpouring of support from surrounding areas has been amazing and humbling. Our little rural area of Kansas has been thrust into the national spotlight, and we are shining through the darkness.

At the same time that all of this was happening, probably even within the same 24-hour period, I found out that not only is one of my friends dying from cancer - but so is another one. I knew about the first one. At least I knew that he was sick, but to receive the news that it had progressed so far so fast hit me like a freight train. The second one? I had no clue. I totally missed the posts about her condition until I went looking for her to ask her a question, and found out that she's dying. The freight train backed up and hit me a second time. Once again, I'm standing here questioning everything. Why do these things happen? Why is it always the good guys? Why can't we all just get along and why can't everyone live long and healthy and happy lives? Why does life have to be so damned hard?

It's been a rough few days, to say the least. I've been forcing myself to go out and run even when I didn't want to - because I know if I don't, I'll just sit here and eat everything and be lazy and be miserable and slide down into that hole that I try so hard to avoid. But luckily I have my Sole Sis/Slave Driver who keeps me going. She keeps forcing me to run, but that's what I need right now - because I know that if I don't get out and run, I'll feel like crap from sitting around like a lump. If I do run, I still feel like crap, but it's a good kind of crap (if that makes any sense at all). And the running is getting easier, and I do feel better - and that helps so much with the mental stuff right now.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. That's all that any of us can do. Keep going, don't stop, and eventually we'll get through all of the crap.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

#HesstonStrong

The past few days.

I feel like I have to play catch-up. I've kind of lost track of some things over the past few days.

I vaguely remember telling someone that I would post a picture showing what I mean when I say that I have to "mow the trees" in my yard, so here it is.

Sunrise from the parking lot at work.

Alex's procedures yesterday. They went very well. Visually, everything is fine so we just have to wait for biopsy results, which we also expect will be normal. They were just done as a routine part of the scopes. Again, I'm not going into details about what is going on with him, but generally speaking we are trying to rule some things out, which it appears that we did.

Gotta' love those post-op popsicles.

And we got some nifty pictures of his (healthy) innards.

After not eating for about 36 hours, we were hungry. He chose Spangles - and I didn't complain.

Later, we decided to go out for a bit. We grabbed something to eat for supper, stopped at the library, then headed to the pool.

Yup. Same kid who had a colonoscopy and
endoscopy 10 hours before...

He *wanted* his ears like that.

Today was a rougher day. I received news through facebook that Jared's buddy, who has been battling brain cancer since last fall, had passed away. Jared was already back at his father's house when I found out, so I let him tell him - because honestly, I couldn't. Then I found out later that he hadn't actually passed, but things were looking very bleak. Needless to say, he has been on my mind all day long.

Then The Dude and I went and met with Mortgage Lady, hoping to get some good news. My credit scores were where they needed to be to be pre-approved for a loan, and I had all of the documentation that I needed. When she pulled my official credit report, there were some issues. In the grand scheme of things, they're not major issues, but they're bad enough that it's going to be at least another month - or maybe two - until we can move on and get the pre-approval. I had gotten my hopes up, and when I left her office I felt totally deflated. Honestly, I still do.

Just some of the paperwork so far.

As horrible as today has been, I'm trying so hard to keep it all in perspective. I know that things in my own life could be so much worse than they really are but right now I'm going through one of those times when I really wish that the crap would stop piling up on top of me. Waiting on updates on Jared's friend is tearing my heart to shreds, and finding out that we're NOT as close to getting a house as I thought we were has made today one of the hardest days for me in recent history.

But, it could be worse.

One step at a time. That's all I can do.