Trying to get back to normal

Now that the fog in my head is starting to lift and I have analyzed everything that has happened in the past couple of years or more to the point that it just can't be analyzed anymore, I realize that I need to get on with my life. I'm not "over it" - I don't know that I ever will be - but I also know that as a single mother who is trying to survive, I have to start to function again. I have to live.

There are so many things that I want to do. I have so many goals, but so many of them seem so hard to reach right now. Some are small, some are huge. And these are in no order, other than the order that I am thinking of them.

1. I want to get the house completely and totally cleaned up and organized - I still have so much crap in here that I need to get rid of, but I just haven't done it yet.

2. I need to get ready for this half-marathon. I have put 7 pounds back on this past week (thank you stress and Mother Nature, you little brat) and I just can't keep going up and down like that.

3. Along with the half-marathon deal, I just need to be healthier in general. OK, I know that it's a morbid thought, but now if anything were to happen to me, my youngest son would be lost. I have to keep myself healthy, for all of my kids and especially for him. And with no health insurance, I need to pay better attention to what I eat and what I do to my body.

4. Finances. Yeah, my finances suck. I really need to focus on that, but I'm not even going to go into detail there. Way too depressing. Maybe once I get my taxes filed, I'll feel better about that situation.

5. Crafty stuff - My ultimate dream is still to have a little shop of my own with my craft stuff, and to actually make a living at it. I know that at this point it's a pipe dream, but it's still a dream. So I will keep putzing around doing stuff here and there and selling it here and there and just enjoy being able to do it when I can.

Those are the main ones that I can think of right now but I know that there are so many more. But for now, my goals for this once-again snowy Tuesday include things like getting the kids dressed, getting my 5 year old to preschool (if it's open), cleaning things up around the house, figuring out something for dinner, possibly running up the road to take care of my lady that I help out when I can (going to depend on the roads on that one), getting my taxes filed (or at least started), and doing the usual laundry/dishes/scrubbing that needs to be done.

Like I said, I'm not over it. Not even close. But I know that I have to get past it. So, I'm going to go put a pot of coffee on, see if I can warm up a bit, and get started on the little things that will make me feel like I'm getting back on track.

And try not to focus on the fact that the funeral is going on right now.

Super Sunday

This has probably been the best day that I've had since getting the news. I went to church this morning with my youngest, and it was the first time that we have made it in quite a while. Everyone knew what happened and I was greeted with lots of smiles and hugs and tears. It was comforting to be with such a wonderful group of people for both the service and the chili/chicken noodle soup luncheon afterwards.

After we came home, I put a movie in and my son went to sleep on the couch. I cleaned up around the living room a little and then did my nails while I watched the movie. It was nice to just sit and do something that didn't require a great deal of thought, and to have peace and quiet at the same time. It was really the first "alone time" that I've had, and I really enjoyed it.

Then we ran to the store to pick up a few things to go over to our friends' house to watch the Super Bowl. And yes, even though I am from Pennsylvania, I was absolutely thrilled to see the Steelers lose - so sue me! After it was over, I got to spend some quality time in the hot tub, talking and thinking out loud.

Back home again, and the little one is asleep on the couch. I'm sitting here playing around online, catching up with people on Facebook that I haven't had a chance to talk to with all of the commotion that has been going on around here. My mind is still going in about a dozen different directions at any given time, but the fog is starting to lift from my brain. I know that I have to get past this, and our lives must go on. I am still struggling, and I know that I will continue to do so for a long time. I was thinking back to the last time I talked to my ex-husband, several months ago. I was brutally honest with him at that time and I said some things that he didn't want to hear, but I still believe that they were the truth and they needed to be said and he needed to hear them. I still remember his responses to me and that conversation will haunt me until the day that I die.

I will always wish that things had turned out differently. I wish that I had handled certain situations in a different way, or that I would have been able to deal with some things better. But what I have to keep reminding myself is that what happened can't be changed. Even if I had done everything perfectly, the outcome may have been the same. I need to try to get past my own feelings of guilt and move on with my life and make a good life for not just our son, but all of my kids. Day by day, bit by bit, it will get easier. At least that's what I keep telling myself when I feel a meltdown coming....

One day at a time...

Today was another attempt at maintaining normalcy around here. I took the kids (4 of them, anyway) to the final basketball game of the season (yay!) and managed to limp the She-Beast home with her massive oil leak. After we got home, I started cleaning and doing the massive amounts of laundry that needed to be done. I lost track of how many I did, but I did at least get all 3 boys' beds stripped and remade, a few loads of clothes done, and the towels are washing and drying as I type this.

Luckily, a good friend showed up unexpectedly with her daughters, and while the kids played she helped me to do some cleaning and straightening up. It is times like this that make me realize how lucky I am - I might not have any family nearby, but my friends are incredible. Another friend brought dinner by as well.

I got another call from my ex's family, this time informing me that they had decided to set up a memorial fund for my son and his brother. I gave them the information that they needed and they assured me that they would send me all of the information that I would need for it.

My oldest daughter has a friend spending the night, so the 3 girls are in the bedroom playing around for a while longer before I send them to bed. I had to throw a major temper tantrum to get them to all play nicely together - when one of my girls has a friend come over, she never wants the other sister to play with them and it always creates drama. Once I went off on them and threatened to send the friend back home, things calmed down considerably.

Of course, in the middle of doing laundry, the dryer died again. Ugh. I crawled up onto the kitchen table - the only way I can reach the breaker box - and flipped all of the breakers off and on, and it still wouldn't work. So I pulled the dryer out from the wall, unplugged it, and plugged it back in. Voila. It works. Stupid piece of crap. *grouch*

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I realized that today would have been Gramma's 102nd birthday. She died in 1994 from cancer, and not a day goes by that I don't think about her. She's even the one who taught me how to do laundry back when I was a freshman in college and living with her and my aunt and uncle. Life was so much simpler then. She and I would load up our laundry in my 1976 Mustang II and head to the laundromat. While our laundry was washing, we'd go to the pizza place next door and have pizza and soda and chat about life in general. Such good times.....

I feel like the fog that I've been in for the past few days is starting to lift. I still have an occasional meltdown, but it's getting easier to think and easier to breathe. I'm planning on taking my youngest to church tomorrow, and there's a dinner after, so we'll have lots of time to visit with our church family. I'm sure that there will be tears, but I know that's next to impossible to avoid right now. Each day will hopefully get easier.

I know I've said it before, but my friends are amazing. I know that I couldn't have made it through the past few days without you. Thank you for everything.

Life goes on.

So here I am, 48+ hours after hearing the news. I feel like I am starting to get my emotions somewhat under control, although I still have occasional meltdowns throughout the day. I think I have just hit the Numb Auto-Pilot stage - I am going through the motions of doing what needs to be done. Regardless of what is going on in my head, I still have 5 kids to take care of, and with them comes their laundry and their baths and feeding them and getting them to school and all of that fun stuff. I have been trying to maintain some sense of normalcy, but it hasn't been easy.

I don't even really know what to say tonight. I feel lost. I spent most of the day working for a lady who just got out of the hospital, doing some laundry and housekeeping for her, and the rest of the day was spent running kids back and forth to school and dealing with my own household stuff. Or, I should probably say avoiding my own household stuff. My house is trashed. I mean, really trashed. I have been in such a fog that the kids have torn just about every toy out of the toy box, there is still laundry all over the place (would you believe that I am sitting on a pile of laundry that somehow ended up on my chair?), and there is a massive amount of dishes to do. I just can't bring myself to do any of it, but I have made up my mind that as soon as I post this, I'm going to get to it. I will put a stupid movie in and get to work.

The weekend will continue as usual. Up early tomorrow for basketball games, then back home with all of the kids. I have to try to convince my girls to clean their room as my oldest is having a friend come to spend the night and I will not tolerate their room looking the way that it does now. My 5 year old is going with his father tomorrow for at least part of the weekend, and then up early again on Sunday to send the three oldest to church with their father while I take the youngest to church with me, and then a dinner at the church after the service. So maybe, just maybe, I can have some quiet time Sunday afternoon with just my youngest, who is generally more than content to watch Thomas the Tank Engine movies and play with his trains.

I'm still feeling just totally overwhelmed by this whole thing. I got information from the family today about the funeral arrangements, and then found out that I was given wrong information - really? Was that necessary? Maybe it was just a mistake, but somehow I doubt it. I just need to let it roll off of me and let it go, but I really hate evil spiteful petty BS like that. It's stupid and a waste of energy.

Anyway....*sigh*....I need to get to work. Maybe if just clean up a little bit real quick, I can still be in bed before midnight. That'll give me about 7 hours to sleep - more than I've gotten in the last 2 days combined.

This sucks.

A whirlwind of emotions...

I don't even know what to think right now. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Yet with the exhaustion, my mind is still going a billion miles a second.

I woke up this morning and had to get the kids up and dressed and fed and ready for school. As I was making pancakes, the strangeness of the situation hit me. My ex-husband just died, and I was making pancakes, like I always do. Regardless of my inner turmoil, I still have to go on living. Life goes on.

In between taking the three older kids to school and taking the two younger ones to playschool and then picking them up, and then getting the 5 year old on the bus for preschool, I was trying to clean and keep up with the almost constant phone calls and text messages and facebook posts that kept coming in. Thankfully I was able to talk to a friend who had been through this before - the death of an ex - and she assured me that the emotions are normal. I had no idea that I would hurt this much. I mean seriously, I divorced the guy. I didn't want to be with him anymore. I wanted him out of my life. But did I want this? Hell no! I still always had a tiny glimmer of hope that he would become a good father, and now that glimmer has been permanently extinguished. He is never coming back.

I got a call from one of his family members today, and suffice it to say that it wasn't pleasant. While informing me that she wasn't here to judge anyone, she made it damned clear that he had been in a severe depression because he wasn't able to see our son, and that ultimately contributed to his death. Really? He hasn't even been gone for 12 hours, and you want to blame me for it? Whatever lady - go ahead. Blame me if it makes you feel better. And now you want his family to have a "relationship" with my son? Now that his father is dead? Hello...what happened to the last 2 years, when you didn't acknowledge his existence? I got angry and said some things to her that I probably shouldn't have said, broke down crying, apologized, yelled at her some more and apologized some more. I have way too many emotions going through my head right now for some virtual stranger to inform me that a family that is 1700 miles away wants to have a relationship with my son. I'll make that decision eventually, but it's not going to happen today. Or even tomorrow.

I wish that I could just put everything that I'm feeling into words. I have so much going through my head right now and I just can't seem to make any sense of it. Why did this happen? How? How could someone who is 46 years old die of congestive heart failure? I know that there's a family history of heart problems, and I know that the alcohol and the smoking contributed to it, but still...46 years old?

I can't wrap my head around the enormity of this. I just can't do it. I have about 14 loads of laundry to do, bedrooms to clean, sidewalks to shovel, kids to pick up, supper to make, baths to give....and I can't even figure out how to do any of it right now.

He didn't make it.

And with those four little words, my entire world turned upside down.

Some of you know, but most of you don't. I found out yesterday that my ex-husband (the second one) was taken to the hospital by ambulance. Through a series of messages today, I found out that his condition had deteriorated quickly - multiple organs were failing and he was on a ventilator. I packed up the kids and we went to our friends' house to hang out, because I didn't want to be at home alone when I got the word. At about 7:30pm my time I received another message - "He didn't make it." I looked at my phone and couldn't breathe. I handed the phone to my friends so that they could see the message too, and I lost it. Completely and totally lost it.

Our marriage was not a fairy tale story by any stretch of the imagination. We met online, we rushed into a relationship and we rushed into a marriage. We both had our demons - his was alcohol - but we tried to work past them. There were numerous times when the police were called to our home because the drinking had gotten out of hand, and he did a stint in rehab, but the lure of the alcohol was always too strong.

Kicking him out for the final time was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life, but I had to protect myself and my kids. Since that time, I have had very little contact with him. I have not seen him in over a year and a half, and he has not seen our son in that long either.

I told my girls about him being in the hospital first. I knew that I had to tell them - to prepare them - because I wasn't sure how I was going to react when I found out that he was gone. They were devastated. So they knew as soon as I broke down at our friends' house what had happened. I waited until we got home to tell my 6 year old. He didn't fully grasp it, and I didn't expect him to. I haven't told my 5 year old yet, and I haven't told our son.

I have gone through a complete rollercoaster of emotions today. I am pissed off at him - I don't know what the official cause of death was, but I'm quite sure that alcohol played a part in it. Why couldn't he just stop drinking? Why was booze so damned important to him that he gave up his LIFE for it? I am sad that our son will never know his father. He was not quite 2 years old when he left, and doesn't even ask about him. He has never asked me why he didn't have a daddy in his life, and now when he does, I have to tell him that his daddy is dead. I am devastated because even though our marriage wasn't perfect, I still believed that deep down inside, there was a good man trying to get out. I still had that tiny little glimmer of hope that at some point, he would get the help that he needed and become a father to our son, even if from a distance.

Now, any hope is gone. He is gone. I didn't expect to feel this many emotions. I didn't expect to have this horrible pain in my chest and the knot in my stomach and the eyes that are almost swollen shut from crying. Our divorce was just final 20 days ago, and I thought that the emotional rollercoaster was over. Sadly, I think I just got back on for another ride.

I know that we will get through this. I know that we will be fine. But right now, I am hurting. I think I am hurting more than I ever have before. Not only am I still mourning the end of our marriage, but now I am mourning the death of a man with whom I was once crazy in love.

Just because I can....

Thanks to my post yesterday, I found out that there was another way to do the phone tethering thing. Turns out that there's an app that lets you do it for free.....so, needless to say, I am typing this on my computer, and then I do NOT have to email it to my trusty assistant, because I can post it by myself! Yay me!

I did manage to get the She-Beast fixed today. The roads were horrendous to even get to my friends' house (less than a mile away, mind you) but I got there and the boys went inside to play while I got to work - after I handed over two loaves of still-warm banana bread as "payment" for borrowing their garage and tools. As soon as I got under her, I could see that the pressure hose had come loose from the power steering pump. When I took it off the whole way, I saw that the o-ring had also been damaged. So I borrowed my friend's car and ran to the auto parts store and got a new o-ring and a quart of power steering fluid. Once I got back, it took about 10 minutes to get it reassembled. It doesn't *appear* to be leaking, so maybe, just maybe it'll be ok, for at least a little while, for a grand total of $4.96.

While this little Adventure in Mechanic'n was going on, the temperature was in the single digits outside and the wind was howling like Mother Nature had just discovered that not only had someone peed in her Wheaties, but they also dumped them on her head and then poked her in the eye. The wind was unreal, to say the least. Although we had a space heater going in the garage and it was out of the wind, it was still bitter cold. The snow didn't even melt off of the She-Beast while I was working on her.

Once I got home (ah, to have power steering again!) I immediately got into the shower to try to thaw my feet out. The rest of my body was fine (might have had something to do with the 4 layers of clothes) but my feet were numb. It took several hours for my toes to get back to their normal size and color but they are feeling much better now, thankyouverymuch.

Other than that, my afternoon/evening hasn't been terribly exciting. I made some more banana bread to give to a friend (in trade for some very yummy cinnabon buns, I might add) and started cleaning out the toybox. I do need to finish doing that now that the boys are both asleep. All of the schools are cancelled again tomorrow, so I have to run out to pick up my older three from their dad's house at some point in the morning so that they can be here for their usual Wednesday - but I'm guessing that basketball and church will be cancelled and so the usual chaotic Wednesday won't be quite as bad.

Anyway, I'm just so excited that I can now post these on my own, and so I'm going to post it. Just because I can. Haha.